How do I not scare off a shy girl?

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by 2goofy, Jul 22, 2013.

  1. 2goofy

    2goofy Active Member

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    I posted about my situation a while back. Long story short I figured out that I was blind and/or an idiot to not notice that my girl-in-question is totally crazy about me. And yet, here I am again, rife with puzzlement and questions concerning the same situation. It has progressed from "not sure about her" to "hanging out" to "seeing each other at the club" to "I'm pretty sure she likes me" to "extremely awkward and painful first date" to "totally ignoring her (I realized I was getting feelings and slipped into defense mode, even when we went to Pride together)" to "actual date/great time/sexy time/the best she ever had." (that last bit are her words, btw)

    When we see each other after a long time apart, we cant stop smiling. I mean big, toothy, ear-to-ear doofus smiles. I'm pretty sure we both have severe butterflies. She gets all flustered if I touch her. I've really started to notice all the cute things she does. She mirrors my movements. She looks at me certain ways that make it hard for me to form complete thoughts. She's still hesitant to touch me. She told me I was hot. She calls me honey. She has since we met :/ I want to call her babe. For months now I've almost slipped and said it. In front of other people. I just feel like I could, and that would be ok.

    So, what's the problem, you might ask? She is soooooo shy and I think she has commitment issues. Every time I have talked to her about her views on relationships and dating, she says she likes being single, and she gave me reasons like "control" and "cheating" and such. She said she broke it off with a girl once because the girl said "I love you" to her after one month. Of course, that doesn't take away from the fact that I've already said "I love you" to her (and meant it), nor that she said it to me (nervously). People always ask us if, or assume we are, a couple. She usually corrects people about this: "No, she's not my girlfriend." Well, not so much anymore, but in the beginning she did. In the very beginning when we first started really being around each other, said she didn't feel ready for dating. A few months ago she said she might be ready to try dating again. On our last date, we were being pestered (in a friendly way) by a bus boy at the restaurant when our server came over and shooed him away saying "Leave them alone! Cant you see they're on a date?" to which she blushed, laughed and smiled.

    Here's where I'm confused. I think she is totally head-over-heals for me, and I think that makes her absolutely terrified. It's like pulling teeth to get her to do something with me. I guess it doesn't help that we live 40 minutes away from each other. But when we do, and when I have to go, she tells me she doesn't want me to leave. Every time I try to ask her how she feels or say how I feel, it never feels right. When I don't see her, she will either call me and text up a storm, or completely go MIA.

    As of right now she is ignoring me. I've been getting braver about asking to spend more time with her. I told her I wanted to take her on another date to a place which SHE asked if we could go together. She hasn't answered. I think I might be coming on too strong now. But I really like her. I don't want anyone else to hold her hand, or pay for her dinner, or sleep in her bed. I've never told her about the way she makes me feel because I know I'm just going to end up scaring her. How do I win a very shy, very walled-up girl?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    My experience with shy people tells me that they can open up with someone who is sincere, steadfast, a little bold and confident. Shy people can become socially awkward because they can come off as impolite. It would have been nice for her to at least tell you yes or no on your last invite. You can scare someone off when you violate someone's boundary. But with a shy girl, it is hard to tell where the boundaries are, because she is too shy to tell you.

    I would tell her a simple ground rule. She needs to say no to you on things she doesn't want to do. The rest, you will just pop up and see her. Tell her you respect her boundaries as long as you know what they are. Tell her you are there for her if she wants and you won't leave her alone. I think she appears to have a lot of baggage like abandonment issues as well. But you can simply just be you, you should be able to tell her your feelings and share. Shy is one thing, she has to accept and love you back for there to be a good thing.
     
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  3. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Are you sure you are not attributing something else to shyness? As in, are you sure that her backwards in coming forward behaviour regarding your relationship is due to shyness? I understand it is a 'nice' conclusion for you to come to, because it implies that she feels the same way as you, but is just too shy to admit it. You have fallen for her and it is understandable that you would hope she feels the same way about you.

    But look at the things she has said; (Granted, I'm only going from the few snippets you posted in your OPost, so forgive me if I'm getting the wrong impression)



    'she says she likes being single.
    She said she broke it off with a girl once because the girl said "I love you" to her after one month.
    "No, she's not my girlfriend."

    None of these things sound very nice really. And they definately don't sound like things that are easy to say to someones' face. That doesn't sound like the voice of a shy person. (Sorry, I hope I'm not being unkind, as you sound like a lovely person. I'm just trying to point out an alternative perspective.)

    That sounds like the voice of someone with committment issues, certainly. It sounds like the voice of someone who is not looking for anything serious. And yes, it does sound like the voice of someone who is trying to warn the other person that they aren't in the same place as them.

    I don't know how I can go forward with this advice, as I haven't painted a great picture. I totally accept that it may not be an accurate one either, it's just what your post said to me as an impartial reader.

    So I think maybe ye should talk and maybe you should listen to what she says without colouring it with your own perspective or your own hopes. I think you are interpreting her behaviour as shyness and this may or may not be correct. But for sure, it is leaving you confused because her behaviour doesn't alway fit that narrative. So the only thing I would say is talk and listen. Properly listen, even if you are not delighted with what you hear.

    I hope I'm wrong too, with all this.
    Good luck
     
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  4. 2goofy

    2goofy Active Member

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    Hmmm, ya I don't think "shy" is the right word. She's afraid of commitment. She's got issues. But we just click. I have that gut feeling that it's more than she says. Just by the way she acts around me and her body language. Actions speak louder than words. And her actions don't match what she says. It's seriously mixed signals all the time. She told me that she wanted to come stay for a weekend with me. I like to cook. She said she'd love for me to cook for her. She brings me around her friends. Her one friend called me her girlfriend once. That time she didn't say anything about it. And that thing about her correcting people, it was actually only one night that that happened. We were out at a club and someone asked us if we were together. She said no. That was really early on. It stood out to me pretty bad, though.

    Also, before I ever thought I might be attracted to her, I knew she had a thing for me big time. But I just didn't know what kind of thing. She said something unexpectedly to me recently that kinda threw me for a loop. Something that made me look at her different. I'm just going to cut the BS and tell her I need to know whats going on.
     
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  5. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    What did she say? The thing that threw u for a loop?

    And of course, my theory may be incorrect. I was just proposing it as an alternative viewpoint for you to toss around to consider if it fit with the situation.

    Let us know how it goes and good luck.
     
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  6. 2goofy

    2goofy Active Member

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    It was something pretty personal and vulnerable about herself. It was about why she is studying her major. It just caught me off guard because I've said the exact same thing for years.
     
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  7. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Is this relationship a first for you in some way...first girl, first time in love etc?

    Also, how old are you roughly.
     
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  8. 2goofy

    2goofy Active Member

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    nope, no firsts here. why do you ask? and i'm 23.
     
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  9. 2goofy

    2goofy Active Member

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    Oh, and by the way, she answered me back about going out. We are shooting for next weekend, but our schedules are hard to navigate.
     
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  10. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    I thought it might b a first for you based on the way you talk about her. You don't seem very careful with your heart, in that you assume the most positive assumption for you when trying to guess her behaviour. In your shoes, I might be balancing my impression of how she feels about me based on her nagative and positive behaviour, what she says and what she does.
    But I understand that young people often 'risk' their heart more when getting into relationships. I did myself. As you get older, you will probably become more cautious.

    Good luck.
     
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  11. 2goofy

    2goofy Active Member

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    Well I don't believe that one should build walls around one's heart. I will always see the positive in people first because that is whats true about them. I know who I am and I dont need anyone else's opinion to clarify who I am anymore. I am very strong and my love is not rationed because I know that it's supply is endless. I am careful about when I choose to show it, because the timing isn't always right. I might have to work some things out myself, or the other person just might not be receptive at the time for whatever reason. I've mostly discovered that the way people treat you is not a reflection of who you are. It is a reflection of the opinions you have of yourself and the constant internal conversation you carry with yourself, or it is a reflection of other people's fears and opinions of themselves. I like to let people know how beautiful they truly are because I learned to see how beautiful I was, instead of listening to the constant bombardment of self-inflicted negativity, all the "I cant's" and "I'm not's." And believe me, they were just short of deadly. I know now that being confident and loving in a humble way opens the way for others to understand that they can love themselves as well. I do have a knack for reading peoples' energy. I tend to know more about a person than they think I do. However, sometimes I just don't know the best way to proceed.
     
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  12. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    I see. Thanks for explaining. That's a pretty well rounded philosophy and seems a decent enough approach to life. Let us know how u go with your girl. Good luck.
     
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