How do I come out to my Father?

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by J-j-the-jet-plane, Feb 13, 2015.

  1. J-j-the-jet-plane

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    Hello! Thanks to anyone who is reading this. I've been struggling with how to come out to my Conservative Republican Father for a long while. I came out to my Mom about two years ago, but I am scared to death of coming out to my Father. I want to live authentically and be true to who I am, but I'm unsure how to broach the subject with him. Should I just blurt it out, like ripping off a band-aid? Or should I drop hints slowly? Any advice would be so so helpful, truly. Thanks and take care!
     
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    Last edited: Feb 13, 2015
  2. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    Was your mother ok with it? If she was (and they're still together?) than chances are he'll come around...

    But I would start by seeing how he feels about the situation. Has he made homophobic remarks? Has he remained silent about it altogether? Does he "not approve" but looks the other way? ... What to do depends on how he feels about the topic and your relationship with him.

    You could just joke about it, and have a laugh, you could rip off the band-aid and all could be fine or completely sour...

    I would need more information before giving solid advice.
     
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  3. Tato

    Tato Active Member

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    @Just Me is right you need to give more info.

    But just to share my personal experience; my father being a very religious man, I did the "show hints" approach until he personally came to me and asked. He said "I have noticed this since you are small, showing signs of being boyish. I thought it would go away when you mature. Whats going on? Don't you like to have a normal life? To have your own family?" I replied "I can be all that with who I am now."

    To make the long talk short, because he had so many "buts", my answer always goes back to my first reply. So he gave up and said, "I just hope you will try".

    See i'm really not that close to him but i'm glad he talked to me about it even though I know he is still against it yet I know he's not angry and I believe in parents unconditional love for us. They may become upset or be in denial about it but im 100% sure that they will never wish ill things for us for being who we are.

    Goodluck..
     
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  4. LPretreat

    LPretreat Active Member

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    You should tell him based on his personality. What I mean by that is if your father is an open minded person then dropping hints here and there may spark his curiosity. If he is very traditional and conservative (assuming he is from his republican affiliation) then it may be best to just sit down and have a genuine talk with him. Not going to lie and say it will go well because if you're dealing with someone who has very set values in place, it's unlikely you will change their opinion on something. But I do think it's important to tell him who you are and what your values are. I try to be sensitive towards my parents when it comes to this. They found out very abruptly and I think it hurt them a lot. Maybe not because they were disgusted by me being gay, but more so because they knew I wouldn't live a "normal" life. In the sense that people will always stare, question me, or even physically and verbally bash me. Most parents have all of these hopes and dreams for their children, even though we should all have the opportunity to live our lives the way we please, and when you say something like "I'm a big homo" you're crushing this entire idea they've probably had since you were born. Not saying it's impossible to get married and have children with another woman, but in the eyes of the generation before us it's not so easily understood. Also, consider how long your process was of even realizing you are gay. Parents need time to accept it just as much as we do. I know when I first realized I liked women I was kinda freaked out due to the fact that I literally had no exposure to anything that would lean me in the direction of gay lol. It's a process for everyone, so just be honest and have a meaningful conversation with him. I do hope it all works out and if at first it's hell, just give it some time. Parents who truly love you won't let something like that stand in the way of your relationship with them.
     
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  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    My name is Spygirl. And I, too, have a conservative Republican father.

    Strangely, at first, he was way more supportive of me than my so-called liberal, in her day wanna-be hippy mother. I was thrown big time.

    We're very close now. We just try NOT to talk about politics much because it usually ends up in a heated discussion. But he's accepting of me and doesn't subscribe to the uber-religious gay hating agenda of the Republican party...and he was very proud to be at my wedding :)

    The point is...he might just surprise you.
     
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    Last edited: Feb 13, 2015
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Tell me you did the polka at your wedding.

    And that is cool about your Dad.
     
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    No polka'ing at the wedding. The Russkie side of my family is my mom.

    I've always been a "daddy's girl"..so maybe being close supersedes politics. Don't get me wrong...we argue over Rush Limbaugh, etc. But at the end of the day, we agree to disagree. My stepmom is wicked cool though and I love her to death...

    What's most funny is that my dad and the wife have a hilarious relationship -- they joke and tease each other. It's real, you know? :)
     
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  8. Johille Anderson

    Johille Anderson Well-Known Member

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    Get him curious to know, without getting in trouble to some extent. Conservative or not, the fact that you already sat him down and are convinced about what you'll tell him I'm sure the first reactions are always the hardest to process. He may not be accepting but eventually time will do the work. Otherwise, just hope for the best and explain the bits and parts of the puzzle progressively. The rest, is History.
     
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  9. _mirage_

    _mirage_ Well-Known Member

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    Hey there. I'm no expert, but I'd say, it all depends on the type of person your father is. If he's the type that could pick things up from a joke or a couple of subtle hints, then bomb away. I always find that the best method of communication for anything is to sit someone down and say it outright. That way, there is no confusion regarding your message. If you would like him to know your identity and your goal is to live in truth to your sexuality, without having to worry about sneaking around him, I'd sit him down to tell him outright. It will be absolutely nerve-wracking, most likely, but remember that you are doing it for you. His conservative nature may not be accepting, but remind him that you are his daughter, a person, and your sexual identity has nothing to do with him. So, I vote for band-aid method. Dropping hints may be more like tip-toeing around him and could put him on edge. Don't let a person boil with 'hints' for the next few months; you'll save you both half the drama by dropping the big bang at once. I wish you the best of luck.
     
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  10. Elaine

    Elaine Member

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    I think you should consult with your mother and I think she could help you in this regard. Conservative or not, if he really loves you, he will accept your choices in life. So I think It will be all right in the end.
     
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