How do I come out as bi? Please help!

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by smiles4miles, Jul 10, 2013.

  1. smiles4miles

    smiles4miles Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2013
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    1
    I wan to come out as bisexual but I'm really scared to and don't know why. My family and friends are incredibly liberal and would all totally accept me (my mom even knows already). Yet for some reason I have such a huge fear of coming out.

    I recently saw on Facebook that this girl who was in my math class this year, who had her profile say "interested in men" the whole year, suddenly change over the summer to "interested in men and women." She did it so casually and informally. No one would have probably even know she was bi unless they checked her page.

    This made me think about my coming out. I wondered if it would be a good idea if I just changed my "interested to" section to say men and women, without telling anyone in advance. Just doing it one day without explanation. I want my coming out to be casual and maybe this could be an easy way to do it. What do you guys think? Is this a good idea or a bad idea?

    Also, for any bi girls, did you have successful coming outs? If so, how did you guys do it?

    Any advice is much appreciated! Thanks so much!
     
    #1
    Thatbeautifulartist likes this.
  2. Jingle

    Jingle Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2013
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    I totally feel you, and I'm so sorry for you. Coming out can be such a stressful thing to experience, unfortunately. In my experience, however, it's great it you finally tell someone in person and you get a nice response. I'm from a liberal family too (and I live in the Netherlands, which also helps a lot) and it still took me three years to come out. Right now, all my friends know, my previous classmates knew and my parents know. Other family members don't have a clue, but that's fine with me for now.

    In my experience, people that are close to you, can be very hurt if you put something "huge" like this on Facebook, just flat out for everybody to see. For instance your best friend. I don't know you or your relationships with friends/family etc, but I can certainly imagine that a best friend wouldn't really like it if she found out you were bi via Facebook. Isn't she worth a conversation? This goes for other close friends and especially for close relatives, if you ask me.

    Personal conversations are, to me personally, frightening. I am not an open person, don't know if you are? Telling people things like this was a huge deal for me and I really didn't know how to act and how to tell them in person in the beginning. I ended up freaking people out by sending them a text if I could talk to them, mostly. This was easier for me, because I couldn't chicken out at the last minute, but they were already thinking of all kinds of things that could be wrong ("OH MY GOD YOU ARE PREGNANT!?"). Nowadays it's a bit easier for me to tell people, although I am still careful and it's not the most pleasant thing to do. After I tell someone and get a positive response, I am cheery and happy as hell, and for me, my relationships with the people I told have improved. I got a lot closer to people because I can be more like myself around them, and because they know that I put my trust in them with this and that they mean enough for me to tell them.

    That said though, I do think Facebook can help you out a bit after those who are dear to you know. It can be very tiring to keep on coming out.. For me, it goes hand in hand with a lot of stress, so Facebook would be a great option for that. Keep in mind however that everybody that you are friends with on Facebook gets to know if you choose to come out that way. Your employer could find out, and I don't know if you live in a very gay-friendly area, but sometimes situations like that can be a bit of a problem.

    In any case, I wish you the best of luck! Coming out can be a bitch, but the feeling afterwards is truly worth it, in my opinion. Start with a few people that you "know" are going to react fine ^^.
     
    #2
  3. iLikeyShuffle

    iLikeyShuffle Member

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2013
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hey :)

    First of all, and I know everyone says it but that doesn't make it less true, come out when you are ready. I came out as bi at 16 and that was the right age for me but some people do get rushed into it. I waited about two months until I knew it wasn't "a phase" then I told my best friend (who jokingly guessed accurately :p), my friends, my brother then my parents. All went well thankfully. I then put it on Facebook as being interested in both genders and while I have had some acquaintances come up to me from seeing it on Facebook the important people had been told so it was a way of telling the masses (not that I have that many Facebook friends :p). I wouldn't start with Facebook but it is a handy way of getting the information out there :)
     
    #3
  4. keemi1122

    keemi1122 New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    In any case, I wish you the best of luck! Coming out can be a bitch, but the feeling afterwards is truly worth it, in my opinion. Start with a few people that you "know" are going to react fine ............!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
    #4
  5. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 30, 2014
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    44
    I told them "hey guys, I'm bi!" after they got terrified, I said then "hey guys, I'm not bi!" then they asked me what do I mean and I told them "I'm bipolar!". kidding.
    I just told them out of the blue when I was 18 years old in a casual way also. They didn't liked it a lot but they accepted me because I'm their daughter and they love me. We never spoke about that, it was my business anyway. edit - Oh yeah, I told to my parents because they are the only people who love me so that's all what mattered for me.
    That with 'interested in men and women" is not convincing for me at least, I don't think they meant to be the sexual orientation, because is a social network website, not a dating website. And there aren't the other options for sexual orientations, it can be confusing. Why would you need people to know your sexual orientation? probably at least half of them don't care what you eat for breakfast everyday; you can simply start talking to girls and have fun.
     
    #5
  6. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2014
    Messages:
    403
    Likes Received:
    18
    I think its easier to come out as "bi" than gay because parents may think "she's going through a phase" or "He's experimenting"... or "The little shit is keeping me on my toes!". Either way, it kind of gives them a bit of a cushion that "maybe she'll meet a man and have kids, etc". Of course, a Lesbian shouldn't usually say she is bi... but some do, and its their business to do so.

    As a bisexual being married to a bisexual, it does make things "interesting' somewhat. She, came out to her parents as a lesbian, but did have relations with guys but mostly had eyes for girls. Most in her family may think she is straight, because I am a male. They never ask and we don't offer those details. She has meet my past GF and BF as I have been open to her since our first date and I don't usually tell my dates my orientation. Funny thou, a bi-girl "N" I dated some years back, is now with a guy who doesn't know her bi-side. I almost said something about it in front of him (in a friendly way as I was talking about my bi-wife who made out with her in the past) but saw in her eyes and something she said that told me to change what I was saying - which I did. Its her business to tell. But I had assumed N was more open about it... then again, she is one of the few women who knows I'm bi and has kept it to herself as well.

    My family is liberal too... but my mother cannot wrap her head around "Lesbians..." even thou I explained to her "hands, mouth, love, etc". So its easier for me/us that I am straight and I made a bi-girl like only dick... even thou my wife still dresses like a stud most of the time. :)
     
    #6
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    1,503
    Likes Received:
    617
    Think you may have contradicted yourself there. It can't be easier to come out as bi if you then have to make things easier by "making" (your word) your wife appreciate your dick above all other previous lovers. Coming out is hard for a lot of people because they've spent a long time letting people assume their straightness and coming out is pulling against people's assumptions. So regardless of friends and relatives backgrounds and political leanings people like the OP have to say something along the lines of "what you've think I like is wrong actually I like..."
     
    #7
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2014
  8. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    729
    Likes Received:
    1,046
    So...yeah, wow...I don't know where to begin. I am not sure I necessarily agree with the whole grand gesture of proclaiming one's orientation as the "end all be all" of defining one's self. As in..."hello world! I'm gay." I came out as bi when I was 21...because to me "bi" was easier to admit to myself as I hadn't quite figured it all out -- I knew I liked girls, but wasn't sure I didn't like boys. Anyway, after a parental freak out I went back into the closet and dated a guy.

    That being said, sexual orientation isn't just about the person with whom one has sex. I've said it before -- sex with guys wasn't a horrid thing, but that connection -- I never had it with them. I identify as lesbian but I'm not going to scream that men are this awful thing. I didn't really come out again in any kind of official way. I just started living my life dating women, exclusively, and my brother actually re-outed me. But, living quietly and just doing my own thing seemed to work better and garner more acceptance. I never had another conversation with my parents where I said "I'm gay." My actions were all that was needed.

    The point is..sexuality is a fluid thing. We constantly change and evolve as people throughout our lifetimes, so the best advice I can give here is just to be yourself once you figure out who you are and who you're comfortable with being. I think of coming out as more of a process than one grand gesture -- a process that is continuous and can happen every day. My +1 for social functions is the wife. A client wanted to take me and my "significant other" out to dinner, so I happened to mention her name in response that we would be thrilled to attend. The point is, coming out doesn't stop as life goes on. If you live openly and honestly, you'll have to come out many, many times. I've actually made more inroads with people by letting them get to know me...as a woman who happens to be gay...rather than spewing rainbows the minute I introduce myself.

    That being said @TADinUS...you're in a different position. Even though you're bi married to a bi woman, on the surface -- out to dinner, the theatre, the movies..people will ALWAYS assume you are straight unless you state or act otherwise. What you do behind closed doors or what you tell your parents...isn't how you're immediately and initially perceived by the rest of the world. So I guess my question to you is....do you still feel the need to come out and discuss your orientation if on the surface you're perceived as heterosexual -- and then do you have the same struggles and prejudices? I see your situation as different from the original poster because the perceived struggles in coming out wouldn't necessarily apply to her or me or most people in same-sex relationships.
     
    #8
    TADinUS, Emm, Bluenote and 1 other person like this.
  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,386
    Likes Received:
    1,482
    Oh dear God.

    I haven't had nearly enough egg-nog to have a discussion -on a year + old thread - about sexual politics with a dude on a website founded on having a feminist take on female lesbian / bi representation in pop culture.

    If I was drunk, I could have some fun with this. Enjoy the irony in an Ionescu, the hippopotamus just ran down the street kinda way.

    But sadly, I am sober.

    So I will be somewhat serious and sincere here. When I respond to threads, I try to keep in mind where the OP is coming from. I also know that there are lurkers facing similar dilemmas as the OP. And I try to come up with some opinion that maybe will help the OP, or give them perspective.

    What I don't do is TMI, without really addressing the OP's concern.

    As for the OPost. There isn't just one way to come out. People do it in different ways.
    One way is to have the big coming out, then be "out" publicly
    Another way is to never really come out, but just be "out" publicly and people will figure it out
    A third way is in between - come out to the people closest to you, then just be "out" publicly

    Each has it's pluses and minuses. Certainly a draw back to just casually coming out is that - it doesn't change the psychological side to it. I mean, parents (and friends) still have to adjust a bit when they find out you are gay. It doesn't matter if they find out from you, or they see a random facebook share.

    Many parents kinda freak out, or at least have a bunch of questions. Most of them get through it and settle into being supportive and cool about stuff. But the coming to terms stage has to happen. If you control when it happens - by planning it and coming out, you can be a bit prepared. If you just passively avoid it, you can wind up with a Tuesday at 3pm call from your mom because Cindy who used to baby sit told her about your gf.

    Of course the likelihood of this happening varies depending on your situation. If you live near your parents, share a lot of social contacts are connected through things like bills and money - then yeah, they'll likely find out. If you are more independent, live far away - there is less of a change they will find out.

    I do think it can be different to come out as bi versus gay or lez. But I think the big question from the OP - how do I tell my parents / when do I tell my parents - isn't that different for someone who is bi versus lez.
     
    #9
    Spygirl and Nancy like this.
  10. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    729
    Likes Received:
    1,046
    I'm having some wine :) So I'll drink for you....

    I get exactly what you're saying...to me, the accepting it happened after I proclaimed it..and which is why I had a hell of a go with the parents. But I digress...I came out as "bi" to my parents by making a big proclamation when I wasn't ready to admit it..it ended badly. 10 years after that....made a hell of a lot of difference....especially when they realized it wasn't a phase or a plea for attention.

    That being said...the whole ready to come out thing requires a certain self-assuredness that I didn't have...if the OP can learn from that, then I've done my job ;)
     
    #10
    Bluenote likes this.
  11. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2014
    Messages:
    403
    Likes Received:
    18
    Oh crap - it is a year old. New forum software and layout seems to cause this :|

    I found my way here because of a discussion about bi<>lesbians in relationships with men & bi. So I posted from the other side as some responses were... (can't quite put into words) as stereotypical as those from straights about gay people. From my travels and social life of meeting all kinds of people, I have found no difference in love, relationship or any other life issues to be any different, no matter their sex and sexual orientation. Where there is a difference, is the kind prejudice one experiences. (A lesbian doesn't have he same problems as young black teen boy) I have friends because of who they are as a person, not their love life.

    I hope a day will come, when people don't have to "come out" at all. I cringed when I heard a mother tell another at a school "That gay girl is going to hell" in reference to a 10yr old! To me, I saw a happy girl who was a tomboy that was smart and has friends. Ironically, a few years later turns out her little boy grew into a gay teenager.

    @Spygirl : I really love your take on life and relationships. IMO, I think you help a lot of people - that is also what us older folks can do. :) And yeah, I'm in a different position... but I also run into bi-couples that I didn't know were bi or a young gay model, who I didn't know considers himself to be "bi" - for years. You're right, I don't have to tell or explain myself to anyone. Even thou I've had as many guys as I have had women in my love-life, I'm in the closet with family and older friends... vs. my newer friends. But I find it insulting and hurtful when some in my family says the F-word or D-word in reference to homosexuals. I am more vocal now about them using such language and I'm completely public about supporting same-sex marriage. Its harder on older people to be "out" for various reasons... if I was in my 20s or even 30 like my wife - I know I would be 100% “out”. My parents would be younger and understanding.

    So a direct answer to your question: "lightly complicated". As a married diff/sex couple, its assumed we are hetro and most don't ask (She dresses like a tomboy a lot). But when we are out on the town, I look metro and she a stud and/or wears her colors. Then its assumed I’m gay and she’s a lesbian :\ But I do get asked from time to time and I may say "I'm bi and that's my wife", I don't advertise or announce one way or the other. I've always been bi - before puberty. In my teens~20s, I was repressed because I was "caught" as a young teen, felt ashamed and even became homophobic for a few years till I turned 16 when I said mean things and un-friending other scared gay boys. Only in my mid 30s, when I started admitting to myself I was bi, was I able to even do well with women. I had started talking to people of all kinds and learned to open up... this took years. The resources and views of LGBT are far better today than in my youth.

    I have many friends who don't know I am bi... and compared to 10 years ago, if they find out - I would barely care. I publicly hug or greet LGBT friends without a second thought, So as of today, I may say something as a matter-of-fact and keep on going as if I didn't out myself... other than family. If I was gay, I think it would make more sense to my family. A bisexual couple with kids, it's simply beyond what they can handle. After-all, there are those stupid and horrible comments that gay parents are "pedo/want gay kids" on the internet. I've shared daddy stories with a gay father, there is nothing he said different from a proud hetro-father.

    Other struggles... When I was single, some gay men had issues of my bisexuality - exactly the same way some lesbians are towards bi-women. I find that funny as hell in some ways... and it gets back to my philosophy, we're all the same.

    My soul-mate has been into girls since she was a child and came out "lesbian" when she was 15 to her family with minimal prejudice, but as an adult became more fluid. She was dressed "dude-like", looking to pick up chicks when I meet her in a club (Not a gay club - but sexuality friendly) and we fell for each other that night. She is obviously into girls, even on facebook - which means her family see it, even thou they never ask me or say anything about it. Growing up, she was a very shy and afraid to talk to girls like the stories from young women I see here.

    Hence, I like to help others when I can. If our stories from our experiences means it saves someone else months or years of confusion and hardships, then its worth our time.
     
    #11
    Spygirl likes this.
  12. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2014
    Messages:
    403
    Likes Received:
    18
    Today, a hippopotamus jumped out of a moving truck... has injuries. :(
     
    #12
  13. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 30, 2014
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    44
    poor street :(
     
    #13
    Spygirl likes this.
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    1,503
    Likes Received:
    617
    And this has to do with some poor girl wondering how to come out how exactly?
     
    #14
    Bluenote likes this.
  15. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,386
    Likes Received:
    1,482
    Poor Literature.
    Jesus, Mary and Joseph wept.
     
    #15
  16. Emm

    Emm Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2014
    Messages:
    488
    Likes Received:
    484
    Can someone give me the summary edition? I got confused by the boy who was gay and the boy who knew he was bi before puberty.
    and how exactly can you give advice about coming out to her family and friends if you actually state that you are in the closet with your family and friends?
     
    #16
  17. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,386
    Likes Received:
    1,482
    Summary: eggnog makes tldr thread hijacks mildly entertaining.

    Tad's point of view is valid, but the way he's going about it (hijacks versus starting his own thread) isn't constructive.

    How do you get a hippo to do whatever you want? Try hipponotism.
     
    #17
    Emm likes this.

Share This Page