How do I be friends with my ex????

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Falk08, Mar 19, 2014.

  1. Falk08

    Falk08 Well-Known Member

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    Soooo, my girlfriend and I of about a year just broke up (like 4 days ago) and things have mostly been okay...of course I'm sad and of course the first day or two was the whole bargaining with myself of "I could compromise on this, that, whatever to get her back".

    Long story but nothing went bad, no one cheated, no one did anything awful. She has zero sex drive and we have not had sex in 3 months, I was upset, angry, frustrated, hurt, etc. In the past with exes who have been more manipulative she compromised and grew to hate them. I always wondered why she couldn't just compromise with me and she said that it was because "she knew she never wanted to hate me". Really over at least the past month our relationship has felt almost entirely friendly. We have also realized I was compromising on a lot of others things without realizing it. She has a daughter from a previous relationship and did not want more children (I'm not sure I do but I'm not sure I don't), she has been a step mom and said it's awful and terrible and hard because of many reasons but I would never get to be as involved as I wanted because baby-daddy is still around and very much dislikes me :p. She never wanted to get married, wear a ring or share bank accounts...all things I thought I was willing to compromise on but as she put it "I'd rather be a bridesmaid at your wedding than know I was taking that away from you."

    She was even able to thank me for helping her grow so much that she was able to say "no" to sex and end our relationship before she ruins me or herself.

    Long story short...this is not the relationship I ultimately want and things ended honestly and amicably but of course it still hurts a little. To complicate matters we are in a graduate program together and will likely share all classes for the next 10 months. Things are mostly going okay, I'm trying my best to text each day to check in and have a conversation but make a point to say "okay I'll let you go, goodnight" or something like that before I know she would have to say goodbye as we previously talked from waking up til going to sleep, every single day. All of this is good and I think we can do well at this friendship and keep the things we valued so much about each other.

    But ANY ADVICE ON HOW TO DO THIS BETTER!!!
     
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  2. liftoff

    liftoff Member

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    Your ex sounds really lovely in that selfish uncompromising sorta way. How many sugars does she take in her tea?

    You asked how can I do this better – I think you should give yourself a break and cut back on contact a little. You have to see her in your graduate program that can’t be helped. So see her at the program, have a nice little chat with her – if you’ve packed grapes for lunch that day, share them with her and then go your separate ways. Get use to being exs before you leap into a friendship. 4 days is early still, do you even want to be friends or are you just trying to savour the best parts of what was?

    My advice is to give it at least another week or two and see if you still want to be friends. If you decide you are in fact interested in securing her friendship then consider what sort of friend you want to be. A good one or a bad one? Since you’re texting daily I’ll take a guess and say you’d like to be a good friend. Do you text all your other friends daily? It seems a bit much to me but what do I know.

    Take it easy and enjoy the fact that you are no longer obligated to text her or even talk to her. Really savour it because you’ll have another girlfriend soon enough which you’ll have to actually text regularly even if its just to say “don’t make questionable decisions that would jeopardise our relationship, I love you."

    Also be careful about how you present yourself to her. You don’t want to burden yourself with a friendship that sounds an awful lot like a relationship minus the sex – which is essentially how the ex would have liked it no?
     
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  3. deaddance

    deaddance Active Member

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    If by friends you mean acquaintances, go for it!
    ...otherwise, not a good idea. It's too soon and 'old habits die hard'/ you won't be able to be actual friends.
     
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