How can I tell?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by tiramisu, Feb 24, 2014.

  1. tiramisu

    tiramisu Member

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    I know I like women. I am very attracted to them, and I have no problem accepting that fact. However, my problem is that I don't know if I am actually attracted to men. In the past I have liked other guys and thought I wanted a relationship with them, but I never really put forth an effort to make that happen. I have always blamed it on my shyness because I never had the courage to tell the guy how I felt.

    Lately, though, I can't tell if I like guys or if I think I do because society has set heterosexuality as the 'norm'. Did I really like them or did I just know that I should have liked them? I have tried thinking back to try to figure out if the feelings were genuine, but I am so good at lying to myself I'm not sure what was the truth and what wasn't.

    Has anyone else gone through this? Any suggestions? I'm not really worried about defining my sexuality for other people, I just want to be able to figure this out for my own sake.
     
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  2. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    I'm a bisexual male. My wife is bisexual as well and knows my history.

    Think about it this way... when you are having dreams or fantasies... what "turns you on"? Does any them involve men?

    For a guy to pick you up, you almost have to just stand there. Actually, for anyone - you should be relaxed and open... having your arms-crossed is a way of telling people to "bug off". I'm horribly shy myself - I need to have a few drinks to loosen up. I mean, people have told me "she has the hots for you" and I too shy to even say a word. Even my wife is shy, even asking women she was interested in - LOL. I'd still consider her more lesbian than not by how she dresses and acts.

    If you are looking for LOVE, you should love the person first. But sexual compatibility has to be there too. Men sex is different than women in many ways. Smell differently, may or may not like certain things. For example, when it comes to oral sex (Man on woman) 1/3 of men WILL NOT do it (but still like to be blown). 1/3 will perform out of "duty to please" and 1/3 LOVE to perform oral. Then you have men who will "be done" when they have their orgasm. No cuddle or after-sex down time... even some guys married to women for years will do this. Which in my mind, makes you feel "cheap".

    I hadn't thought about it in years, but it HIT me when I became bi-curious. I was in a gay club with my GF (now EX) and another female friend, having a blast. This handsome older man in his 40s chatted and danced with us a bit and ALL of us were attracted to his sexual energy... it was strange. It took a while before I was able to be accept being touched by another man. Mind you, when I was a young adult - the IDEA and visuals of two men kissing (much less actual sex) was disgusting!

    You shouldn't have to make an "effort to make that happen". If you've been having relationships with women - then your shyness makes no difference. Some lesbians *do* have sex with men from time to time (I *know*), some switch sides "fluid", some stay bi-sexual. Check out the article & video: http://www.afterellen.com/watch-now-huffpost-live-discussion-on-how-lesbians-feel-about-bisexuals/09/2013/

    Tip: If you find yourself to be bi-sexual, be with someone who WILL support you being attracted to women. Otherwise you'll be dealing with jealousy. I've meet many bisexual women who had strict boyfriends who didn't allow them to play with girls. Again, I don't think anyone should FORCE themselves or others into sexual orientation.
     
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  3. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Yes, I'm actually going through this myself. I define myself as being gay because well, I find the term just easier. And perhaps maybe because I'm admitting I am gay rather than bi. I've only properly dated females in the past. Since I've been single (about 1.5 years now), I actually wondered whether I could be with a guy or not after dating 4 women. One of my closest friends says I'm a lesbian, not bi, despite what I say.

    So while I've been single, I have met some guys. Lately, I've been seeing this guy. My friends all reckon that I am in the 'seeing' stages and there are times where I feel something for him. For example, on the weekend where we spent Saturday night and almost all of Sunday together, I did feel like he was kinda wonderful. However, I am just not feeling it the way that I feel it with others. There's no rush or anything. He thinks that I'm his girlfriend, and I'm his first (poor boy!). Prior to me 'seeing' this man, I have felt attraction to one of my male business friends but buried that so it wouldn't get all messy.

    However, I'm actually ready to concede to my friend who I disagreed with that she's right - I actually am a lesbian and not bisexual. The guy that I've been 'seeing' has a lot of the qualities that I'm looking for in a partner, but something just isn't clicking. Another close friend asked me last Friday whether it's because it's a man not a woman, and if he was a woman whether I'd actually go for it. I honestly don't know. But be honest with yourself. I don't think it matters what label we categorise ourselves with, but rather, it's the journey and who we end up that counts. Don't get bogged down in that kind of process no matter what people say. Just go with the flow, and enjoy the whole dating experience.
     
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  4. tiramisu

    tiramisu Member

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    Thanks! I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I've realized I'm not necessarily attracted to them, I'm just not repulsed by the thought of being with a guy like some lesbians. I just can't connect emotionally with them; I've always connected and been drawn to girls more. Even as a kid I had tons of girl friends and never bothered to try to become friends with the boys because I didn't feel comfortable around them.

    Correct me if I'm wrong, but could this be the same for you? Perhaps this man has all the characteristics you wish to find in another woman and that's what draws you to him? I know I've thought that a lot. I'll meet a guy and think "I wish he was a she". Or I could just be over analyzing things..I tend to do that.
     
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  5. MisMashed

    MisMashed Well-Known Member

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    I kind of struggle with the same issue...I've decided to define myself as bi... but I don't think my attraction to guys is a "strong" or frequent as my attraction to girls....so I wonder if I should label myself that way. I also don't feel "drawn" to them emotionally, in the same way that I'm drawn to girls. Though I have had my share of guy-crushes, I never pursue them the way I tend to with girls.

    I understand the frustration of trying to label or explain oneself to others... many people choose to just say "QUEER" for that reason. It's hard to fit sexuality into a simple box.

    Maybe if there was a check-off list or something... :idea:
     
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  6. tiramisu

    tiramisu Member

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    It's nice to hear someone else is in the same boat as me, and I don't mean 'nice' in a bad way, it just makes me feel not so alone in this. While reading you post, I realized how awful it is that we (LGBTQ people) feel the need to categorize ourselves for the sake of others' understanding. But I feel so hypocritical saying that because I want to be able to define myself for my own sanity.

    It's all just so frustrating. I really don't consider myself bisexual, but I don't feel comfortable saying I could never fall for a guy. And what exactly does queer mean? I've never heard one solid definition.
     
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  7. MisMashed

    MisMashed Well-Known Member

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    I've always taken queer to mean anyone who isn't straight as a ruler, or whose gender identity may not coincide with the "norms" of society...
     
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  8. MizzLadyPants

    MizzLadyPants Well-Known Member

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    I can relate.
    Especially because I find myself so attracted to women. And I get irritated with my current relationship because its with a man. I love my boyfriend. But I prefer men as friends and women as my significant others.

    But there's never any women to date where i am anyways.. so its the other way around..lol
     
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