Hi..from Malaysia

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by lorriey, Dec 27, 2014.

  1. lorriey

    lorriey New Member

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    Hi..

    I didn't see (or I did not know how to search for it) any topics on single woman in their early 30s lonely at times, still waiting for a soulmate. To cut it short, being in my early 30s is just about getting to work, go home eat and sleep, play my music instruments, weekends go hang out with some friends (if they are not busy) and just repeat the whole thing the coming next week. Life is good. But to make it complicated, I'm an andro and my parents know it (or do they know it?) except they dont know that I am gay. I'm grateful that myparents never questioned me why am I still not married yet. Lol. I have one close pal, we had a long relationship but still keep in touch as very close friends cause she lives far away from my hometown. I do have some gay friends but we dont usually hang out. I have this war within me that says how I wish I could just tell my parents that I like women and they'd be fine with it. I know they're open but I am not sure if telling them the truth will make them feel relieved because of finally getting the answer of why am I not getting married, or they'd be sad because they wished I'd be happy with a married life with a guy who could take good care of me and have children with. For now, I will not tell them that I'm gay. But I assume that they already know. Its just that I dont tell them face to face.

    I dont know how many single women in their 30s out there who would feel so very lonely at times. I'd feel so down, pick a favourite song and cry a few times. Its not the emptiness that made me feel down but I think its the war within me its like I am stuck in my own life cage..So I am my own problem. Even I managed to finally found a soulmate, I cant tell my parents the truth either because I dont want them be hurt by knowing that their daughter is gay. In the end, I feel superior by being able to stand being single and independent. But deep inside, I feel down and lonely.

    So today I just joined the forum to talk to someone or anyone..who is having the same situation as I am. And I am here to have some conversations so that I dont feel so lonely.

    Nice to meet you all.
    Lorrie
    xxx
     
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    Last edited: Feb 18, 2015
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Welcome to AE.

    I'm not in your situation - I'm 40 and married (to a woman). But I was in your situation (sort of).

    Not that long ago, I was 30, divorced (OK, uncivil unionized) and living in this tiny, sketchy apartment with my cat. My life consisted of work, feeding the cat and moving stuff around in my tiny apartment. (Wanna watch TV? Put the easel in the closet and roll the TV out from the corner! Micro living is grand!!!)

    But, eventually, I got over the grief of my divorce. I started socializing and met my now wife. We moved into a slightly less tiny apartment. And were up to two cats, instead of one. But feeding the cats and moving furniture to have enough room to do yoga isn't so bad, when you have a lover / best friend / partner in snark.

    It sounds like your fears about your parents are holding you back from other things - like making more gay friends, or dating. It is your decision if you want to tell them and then go live your life. Or if you just want to do what you want - and hold off on telling your parents until you have something you "have to" share (like a gf you want to introduce them to). If the fear is hanging over your head to the point where you are stuck and paralyzed, you might want to come out to them.
    Good luck. It does get better. It really does.
     
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  3. lorriey

    lorriey New Member

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    Hi there,

    Thanks for your kind words. I really appreciate it. Yes, life does get better. I just need to keep on moving and probably socialize more. :)

    Again, thank you.
     
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  4. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Hey Lorrie, thanks for sharing your story. One of my favourite declarations from Oprah is, "The goal is to live the fullest, highest expression of yourself as a human being."

    I know right now it seems a little scary and lonely. But sometimes you just have to go out there and try different things - even things that you never thought you would ever do, in order to find that fullest, highest expression of yourself and have a variety of experiences to widen your horizons and make life amazing. But it all starts with the first step - maybe it's going out and meeting new people, volunteering, trying a new sport, or taking a class. I don't know which part of Malaysia you are from, but there are tonnes of things that you can do to go out there. Well, unless you live in a really remote kampung right? Then my suggestion would be to live somewhere less ulu.

    Life is a gift, and you should allow yourself to have the opportunity to experience something great and to also find yourself. Once you get the self-confidence back maybe then you can tell your parents especially if you don't currently have the support networks. Do you currently live with them?

    Just remember, one step at a time. But definitely go out there, try new things, and make new friends. You can do it! :)
     
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  5. lorriey

    lorriey New Member

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    Hi,

    Thank you for your kind words. Yes, one step at a time. There's got to be something out there to explore more. I guess one of the reason is also one by one our friends will get married and they won't hang out or keep in touch with us anymore. Takes time to adjust to it but I think will move on. :D

    Thank you again.
     
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  6. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Mmm well it's up to the one who is married to make time to hang out with people. I mean of course you probably won't hang out with everyone as regularly but if you make the time to hang out with friends you can do it. It's all about priorities, and it's ok to meet up even just a few times a year. But don't make it an excuse that just because your friend(s) don't want to do something that you shouldn't do it. It should be an opportunity for you to do something just for yourself so you expand your horizons.

    Also, I don't know if this website is still popular. I used to date a Singaporean many years ago who introduced me to a website called Fridae. That's how she met a bunch of other Singaporean lesbians, who she's still friends with today. I never used it (plus wrong geo location). But I'm sure it'll also be helpful to find other Malaysian lesbians.

    You don't have to tell your parents if you don't want to. I was talking to one of my nieces who claims that Malaysians are all LGBT unfriendly. I disagree from my own personal experience (lived there for several years a few years ago and did not live an expat lifestyle) but of course my niece is from a smaller city and I lived in KL. I mean, even at the shops when my cousin was trying on a potential dress for her wedding, there were two guys trying on dresses. :p My ex also had some friends who lived in Penang who were very out so if you're having trouble finding LGBT then maybe it would be wise to make friends online or in real life from a larger city?
     
    #6
  7. lorriey

    lorriey New Member

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    Hi!

    Sorry I didn't realize there was a reply to this post. I must have overlooked it.

    Ya my friend introduced me to Fridae few years ago. She did meet some friends from local also. The difference was that she has nipple confidence. lol. I don't know what is she up to now because we lost contact. There was this one time when I almost decided to join a meet up (private) of local LGBTs having discussion over certain issues living here in Malaysia. The meet up was organized by a local. If I am not mistaken, you will need to produce your ID and register before joining the meet up. Once in a while, they may write a summary from the discussion and upload into their website. I used to read them to help me cope up with life without coming out. Damn I really couldn't recall the name of the website. I am not sure if it is still happening now.

    From my point of view, I agree that not all of Malaysians are LGBT unfriendly. Some are open. They may be open but it's just that you don't say it out loud that you are gay.

    Yes, in the meantime, finding online friends or travel alone to some cities might be a good chance to get rid of the loneliness. Actually not that lonely. :p

    I still think that my mother knows I am gay. It is just that she never mention anything about it. If I have a daughter on my own, I would have known too or able to guess if my daughter is gay. Well maybe not. Maybe yes. :D
     
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  8. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Nipple confidence? What's that? lol

    Dunno about this whole IC thing as I'd be afraid to be on the list... although I'm not Muslim so I don't care so much but my ex-gf came from a high profile family and it would be to her death if her name was on the list. We would've never joined such a club even if it meant we would be able to talk and meet up with other LGBT.

    However I do know from my neighbour that there is another Asian dating website for lesbians. Also, there are a number of lesbian and bisexual women on the LYN forums. You know what that is, right? :p
     
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  9. michelle5

    michelle5 New Member

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    Hi Lorriey,

    Thought i should reach out and give you my experience. I was born in Malacca and moved to Adelaide when i was 4. Now living in the best city in Australia for the last 10yrs however my parents are still in Adelaide. I have always know i was gay and told my mother about my feelings towards girls since my early 20's. The first time she told me she didn't want to hear it and that was that, the conversation ended very abrupt. During my 20's, i struggled not finding my 'one' and my parents refused to discuss my sexuality. All they said was 'i don't want to hear it and do not tell the family back in Malaysia'. They are always paranoid what it looks like to everyone else, if people would say they are terrible parents.

    Just before my 30th birthday, I had a dinner with a gorgeous girl in the city. It was a blind dinner date to tell you the truth, i wasn't looking for her however i am glad we met. We hit it off and the timing was right for the both of us. Two weeks later whilst in the car with my new girlfriend, i called my mum to tell her about her. As i got the words out "i have a new girlfriend and her name is....", she hang up the phone. Each week, i called my mum up to tell her about what my girlfriend and i was up to.. each week, she would cut me off and end the call. The same situation occurred every week for many months but i didn't give up. My girlfriend needed to understand i was proud to be with her and my mum had to understand this relationship was serious. 9 months into the relationship I decided that my mum had to meet my girlfriend face to face, I was nervous as anything and as soon as my mother met her, she loved her! I knew they would have gotten on like a house on fire and my mum had to realise this is MY life.

    My parents may not like that fact i am with a woman however they will not going to dictate my life. I proposed to my girlfriend 13 months into the relationship and we were legally married in Denmark 3 months ago. I wake up every morning smiling that my wife is next to me, my parents love her and i am true to myself.

    It took me over 15 years to get here and it wasn't easy. She completes me, i feel settled and happy beyond words, my friends and work colleagues have met her and adore her. Not being out is like saying to not be yourself.

    If you're not ready to come out to your mum, that is okay however don't act to please her. She wants what is best for you and unfortunately Malaysians are wired to think men are what is best for women. I am lucky to have grown up in Australia and had the freedom to meet so many different types of people and be myself since I was 4.
     
    #9
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