Her behavior is killing me

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by LilUnicorn, Feb 19, 2016.

  1. LilUnicorn

    LilUnicorn Member

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    Hello, ladies!
    I'd like to share my weird story (well, not that weird but it makes me feel so funked up).

    About 3 weeks ago I got a new job and been under a supervision of a girl I didn't like first.
    But 4 days later we got to talk about work and stuff.. And don't know how but she made me tell her about her psychological type and all that. When I began she told me we should move to another room so no one could hear us. It even scared me a bit.
    Once we there she told me she felt an energy going through her legs from me and I were like reading out the information. Then we talked about her and why she were lacking energy and eventually figured it out. I felt she were lost, sad and all that. She also told me everything she worried about, what was deep down and only her father and best friend knew. In return I told her couple of things (one of them - I'm gay), and she were okay with that and even told me she were thinking about love of 2 women (she's straight) recently (maybe because I gave her those gay vibes thinking she might be gay on our first meeting :D ). By the way we both were shaking a bit while talking, it's hard to explain, it was an energy thing..
    Well we sat there about 2 hours till I had to go.
    The next day we were smiling to each other and hug sometimes because what happened the previous day was so private and for a reason. That day or a day after she called me for a dinner and paid for me. We already held hands (like usually lovers do). She told me she felt so good when I'm around and that she had no Idea what she was going to do without me on weekends. At the job I had my own corner and she were coming and seeing me and we were hugging and making out (without kissing).
    On Friday after work we went for a walk and called at a food spot and she paid for me. Once we were done with a food we were just sitting and holding hands (when we do that she feels relaxed and something that she never felt before)
    On weekends she didn't write me a thing. When I told her I was worrying if she's ok, she answered: "I'm a grown girl.." (btw she's 32, I'm 23) Later I figured out she were out with her friends.
    On Monday we kissed on the lips when we met. During the day we were flirting (like before) and playing around, she told me her uterus was burning because of me :D We went out for a dinner again that day again or day after.
    After one of those days we were chatting online and she told she wanter to feel me (sometimes I send her some type of vibes and she feels). On one of the first days she even wrote me if I could join her in a shower (wtf? :D) Well it always was in a sexual context but that time it merged into king of a virtual sex.
    On that week (as long as I felt this wasn't my type of job and according to that I wasn't good at it and couldn't concentrate (you know why :D )). So they tell me I better leave. I cried once I left the building. The girl didn't even try to console me. only before we went to the subway she hugged me till I was quiet. In the subway I told her: "I think I feel something". She: "You just think.." Like "don't you say sh*t, girl".. I meant that I fell for her. Then I cried again and she seemed she couldn't understand why. She told me we would meet anyways: "Promise you will come to me this week."
    By the way she's looking for a new apartment to live alone and doesn't mind if I live wit her (what a U-Haul LOL), she wants me to be there with her so we could be alone there and I could cook for her and all that. So she asked me to find an apartment.
    Well we made an appointment for weekend but it appeared she had to work on Saturday and study on Sunday. Somehow we managed to meet Sunday evening (on Valentine's day). I brought a little bunch of flowers and a DIY ring, she loved it a lot. We were just chilling and having a good time kinda planning to go somewhere together to the south once I got a new job.. She was always looking at my lips (which means she wanted to kiss me) and holding my hip.
    Since that day we haven't seen each other but we were talking online sometimes. Just short talks. And she only replies to messages she wants. The only good thing she told me this week is that she wants to come visit my summer house and my apartment one day and that she miss me. BUT when it comes to the plans (this is going to be 3-days weekend), she tells she don't know. Today I literally had to fish out what's her plans for the weekend. It appeared she won't have time for me at all aka "I don't know"
    By the way a week ago I won 3 hour date in a mini-cinema room for 2, she wanted to go but now she's like doesn't have time for that. Even when I found an apartment she told me to ask if she could see that the day after. I got her the number but she still didn't call them!
    But I'm sure once we meet everything would be as it was before but this situation is overwhelming... Maybe I should not concentrate on some things but what makes me feel bad is that when we are together, she acts like she's totally in love but when we are online, it's cold and weird...
    What's all that for God's sake??

    Thanks for reading this nonsense) I can't even read it again to correct :D


    Peace and love <3
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    When you read this I hope you don't run out and try to contact her. You were right about her behaviour when you were getting fired. She was your supervisor, so, long before you had any inkling that your job was in trouble, she knew about it. She was probably told to get on top of things with you but instead of getting you up to speed at work, she did the opposite by being the most important distraction to you. I think, she used you and rolled you under the bus.

    What happened at work was sooooo inappropriate from the very beginning I thought she was gonna turn out to be some crazy stalker. But she is something else. What she did to you at work and subequently suggests some sort of a predator who likes giving false promises and stringing people along. She gave you a promise of this star crossed connection at work and then when you made her your entire world at work and could not function, she made you another promise to be her little house partner. I don't think you are the first person she has done this to, and if that is true, it has not caught up with her because she picked the ones who are vulnerable, maybe new to the job market and didn't want to stir things up.

    Please don't buy into this anymore. If you stop talking to her, she will feel a need to come back and make you more promises. Her constant unavailability suggests that you are her extra curricular activity and nothing more. She could be with someone already or she just likes toying with people. Please block her and not let her know any more about you.

    I think the best advice anyone can give a young person starting out is to build up your career. Don't think you can live with a person you had just met or anytime down the road and things will just work out. One day, you will be 60, and you will still have a vibrant and kick ass body that can hold you up for a long time, much longer than any 60 year old body today. You will need a mature career where you are an expert of something and people will come to you looking to hire you for your opinion. Find something you really like doing and make a career out of it. You can get through this and live a very successful life where you will find peace and happiness because you are doing something you enjoy doing everyday. Then you will know that this person who is driving you crazy now is nothing but a bump in the road.
     
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  3. LilUnicorn

    LilUnicorn Member

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    Oh no, she used to be my supervisor only for the first 2 days, so this all has nothing to do with the job, plus she tried to help me and make me stay there as long as possible.

    The thing is that she knows about my feelings and keeps acting like if she was my girlfriend.

    Yeah that makes sene and I totally understand what you mean, but I got stuck and don't know what I want to do in this life.
    I thought we had a special connection or something. Because usually I don't contact with people much and have a social anxiety , I don't trust people but this time... I don't even know...


     
    #3
  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Let's just say her intentions are not from a bad place. Her actions right now is not in support of what you need in a mate, a roommate or even a dependable social connection. This will not help build your trust in people. Security is from within but staying away from people who break dates and promises will help. I hope you can find the help you need for your social anxiety and find the situations you need to sustain you socially and career wise.
     
    #4
  5. LilUnicorn

    LilUnicorn Member

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    I thought I were too pushy, that's why she might be confused.
    And I never blame someone, only me, I just try to analyze her actions..

    Thanks for your advice and wishes.


     
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    She initiated some very important steps. It is not about blame, it is about analyzing what she is doing and it really doesn't sound good from what I am reading. If you are analyzing, don't be prejudiced against yourself and try to be objective.
     
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  7. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    Whether she was sincere or not about the connection she felt with you, it is still inappropriate to have that kind of contact with you. Her supervising assignment doesn't end after two days, her training activities do; she is a superior with seniority in the work place. I know you want to see the good in her, but the behavior is not professional. That is all I will say about that part.

    About her behaving like a girlfriend. Like @greylin says, what she is doing does not sound good. I find suspicious that she is not committing to her word, but most of all she is not showing you respect. If I am interested in someone, the least I can offer is respect, specially if we just met and I want to give a good impression. If I schedule a date and I cannot make it because of work, I would make sure to explain and re-schedule the plans, that is the very least I would do even if it is not a date but a business appointment.

    In the words of wisdom of my grandma, since breakfast you know what's for lunch. If she is being so erratic from the start, don't expect her to improve. Your wellbeing and safety come first, not matter what, no matter how great the butterflies feel. Be extra cautious, so she hasn't earn your trust.
     
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  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Bluntly, you need to develop a bullshit detector. You need to develop a sense of what is real, what is a lie and what is a fantasy.

    It is not quite as black and white as 'a girl is attracted to me and therefore wants to date me.' There are lots of shades in between. A girl might feel a little 'energy' towards you, but only wants to flirt, or kiss, or pass the time. Maybe it is a nice distraction, maybe she enjoys the ego boost. But she has no interest in any kind of serious relationship.

    So step one is to slow down a little. OK, actually, slow down a lot. Just because a girl comes on really strong, does not mean that she is serious about you. Sometimes girls come on really intensely and then they disappear after a few days or weeks. If a girl comes onto you really intensely, try to be patient. Don't take it serious until she has been really, really into you for months - not hours or days.

    Step two - talking about people's energy is a lame pick up strategy. Human beings are built to feel energy for each other. That does not mean that there is some super special, amazing, star crossed connection. "You are cute, I am horny, work is boring, let's share some Oprah moments." That is not amazing - that is two human beings who have hormones, and a nice chat and some time on their hands. I don't doubt that you felt a lot of sexual tension in that situation - but that is very different from having some very deep, meaningful connection with someone.

    Now, Sometimes, people will intentionally lie to you to string you along.

    Other times, people will tell you fantasies. They don't mean to lie to you, they just expect you to be able to tell the difference between fantasy and reality. Sometimes my wife and I talk about moving out to the country and buying a farm. But, right now, we both understand that that is just a pleasant fantasy. I do not expect my wife to run out tomorrow and start looking at land.

    I don't know if this lady was lying to you, or if she was sharing fantasies with you - that she never expected you to believe.

    But again, slow down. If you have just met someone - don't believe them when they say "oh, lets move in together and you can cook for me." Don't get your hopes up over someone you barely know. Wait until they have been around for awhile before you start taking plans for big stuff seriously.

    Don't just listen to their words, also listen to their actions. If someone talks about moving in with you, but has never even gone on a date with you - well, actions speak louder there. If someone tells you what an amazing connection you have with them, but never calls you in the evening - well, actions speak louder than words. You got very invested in this lady based on her words, but she didn't really back them up with action.

    You were a little toy for this lady to play with. She never had any intention of doing anything serious with you. You were a fun way to pass the time at work. But it was never going to be anything more than that.

    Now, for the work lecture. You are 23. I get that there will be bumps in the road of you learning to deal with your career and job. But going to work and making out with your supervisor during your first week on the job - that is a big mistake right there. You have to protect yourself and your career. If you don't like a job - switch. But when you are at work you need to work, not spend 2 hours chatting up the boss and making out without kissing.

    You got burned pretty bad on this one. It hurts and I am sorry.
     
    #8
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  9. LilUnicorn

    LilUnicorn Member

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    Thanks a lot, that's true. I don't feel any respect from her..

     
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  10. LilUnicorn

    LilUnicorn Member

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    True.. Thanks for breaking it down for me, for your help and compassion.
    I don't know much about people.. I always been disappointed for example in people who act really nice but don't want to contact or something. I mean I'm too open for people who seem to be open too. But they just seem and then they hurt you.
    And you know basically I can love anyone (in a universal context) and I do love people around me who happen to be in my life, but when a girl lets me in her life and shows feelings (as I think), I'm automatically start giving her more love and she starts to be attractive for me , especially if she's my type or close to my type.
    Damn I don't want to go out anymore, too much distraction out there :(

     
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  11. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    LilUnicorn, sounds like you have some anxieties about people and though it can be overwhelming, it is just a problem for you to overcome. Solving problems can make people interesting and give us patience and grace when we live in a communities with others. I can already see your effort in that by trying to understand others. It sounds trite, but baby steps and little exposures and triumphs will get you there. A heroes journey does not have to be a mountain climbed, but can simply be getting out your front door.
     
    #11
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2016
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  12. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    It is so cool you picked up on the fantasy part!
     
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  13. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think that understanding this would help like 50% of the posters here.

    I think a lot of women come here really confused - this girl / coworker / friend came on to me hard. They flirted / kissed me / texted non-stop / we hooked up. Then they disappeared. What happened?

    Many times, what happened was the difference between fantasy and reality. The girl enjoyed playing around when it was fantasy, but when things got real - it was too much and she split.

    When I was just out of college, I met a slightly older woman through a sports club I belonged to. When we would see each other at outings, we would talk and flirt. After awhile, she gave me her number so we could work out together (look, I knew what she meant). I called her - it was her work number. She never returned my call, she quit going to club stuff.

    What happened? She was fantasizing about having an affair with me (hence giving me her work number and not home or cell). When she was just flirting with some random lady, it was fantasy, it was fun for her. But when reality hit - like actually setting up a date with me - boom way too much, way too serious. And rather than screw up her real life by indulging in her fantasy of hooking up with me, she cut and ran.

    The coworker / friend / who comes on really strong and then disappears - what happened? Sometimes it is just that things didn't work out. But sometimes it is that they liked the fantasy of the AE poster, but freaked out when the reality hit. 32 year old supervisor flirting with 23 year old employee? Fun little fantasy. 32 year old supervisor moving in with 23 year old employee - that is getting hit with a fuck ton of reality. Explaining 10 year younger gf to family and friends - very real. Explaining moving in after just knowing each other for a few weeks - very real. Signing lease and utilities with person you barely know - real, real, real.

    Similarly, a closeted or semi-closeted girl might really enjoy flirting / kissing / hooking up with another girl. It's fun, it's fantasy, it feels good. But, if she is not ready for the reality - at some point it will get too real and she will split. Maybe it's that actually having sex with another girl will make her face that she is gay and she is not ready for that. Maybe it is that they see the AE poster really falling for them and - it's not a game anymore. It is real, with someone's feelings on the line. Maybe it is people starting to talk and ask 'hey, are you girls a couple?'

    In the beginning, it can be hard to tell if things are just a fantasy for someone, a fantasy that they have no intention of following through with. Certainly, there are red flags. Like a relationship that has a big age or power imbalance. (much older woman, supervisor, professor). Or signs that the other person is already in a relationship. Or the girl only seems interested in certain circumstances (while drunk, while no one else is around, is very hot and cold).

    I don't "blame" the OP for not having a bullshit detector. I didn't have one when I was in my 20s, either. I wish I had had a cool gay Aunt who could sit me down and be like "ok, here is the deal." Instead, I had to learn from experience. I do have some funny stories from that, but I also went through some really shitty situations and heartbreak.
     
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  14. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think you are right about the 50% and the examples you have given will help a lot of people and the OP. This particular person the OP is interested in has more of a deliberate feel to it. She went a bit further from the get go and even on the roommate fantasy she didn't just stop on, "Hey maybe we can be roommates." But she actually asked the OP to look for an apartment. Now, I admit that I am not hearing the actual conversation and maybe missing a few back and forth before she had the OP go looking. But, it is still pretty rotten of her to not be straight forward about not really wanting to do it and sending the OP on a snipe hunt.

    Also, to answer the OP's origiinal problem about the 2-day Supervisor being cold in text and hot in person, I wonder if it is because she had a significant other around her and could not really engage the OP. Like you said, so sorry about the OP getting burned like this.
     
    #14

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