Help..

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Ooohwhatprettystars, Nov 4, 2013.

  1. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    So its been a while since I posted, I've been in a relationship for about 9 months now and things have been okay, not the best, but not horrible either. I'm happy.. but I feel like she isn't. If you have read my previous posts you know, she says I never share my feelings with her and I never just want to hold her hand and all this stuff that I guess she "needs".. I'm honestly not an overly affectionate person, or at least I'm not right now. I have been known to be that way in other relationships, but before her I hadn't been in one in over 2 years. We've had small arguments because she feels like I don't care, etc..

    I am divorced, no children, and I'm 25.. trying to get my career stable. Which in this economy is a lot of work. She is older than me almost by 10 years. I actually thought her being older meant that we would be perfect because I have been through a lot of things in my past already that has made me more mature than most my age and she had been in a 6 year relationship before me so I thought she knew what I meant by take it slow and not push anything when we agreed to start dating. She told me she loved me after about 3 months I think, for me, that's fast. The last girl that I fell in love with, I didn't really realize or tell her until almost a year after we met. And that girl, was completely different.

    Honestly. I'm getting frustrated. I am happy, but I feel that I could be happier. Is that selfish of me? I'm not mean to her and she isn't mean to me, I just am not sure we are in the same places in our lives. She constantly makes comments about how I don't walk around naked, or ever want to have sex, or kiss her randomly or hold her hand, which makes me pull further and further into myself. I've sat her down before and tried to talk to her, but we always end up at this same talk every month it seems.

    I went through a lot about 2 months after we started dating, my best friend of 3 years whom was my go to person for everything walked out of my life without a word, and still to this day hasn't said a thing to me, and it really hurt me. I since then have had building social anxiety, I don't go out anymore at all like I used to. My social life has taken a complete plunge. Here lately I've been trying to pick it back up with old friends I haven't seen in a while who are parents now and such, but I'm still figuring myself out I guess. I don't know how to explain it, but honestly its as if I lost myself, and I'm having to figure everything out again and go a new route..

    Anyway.. enough of me jabbering on. Point is.. I don't know what to do. So any advice? I've tried talking to her, but it always seems to creep its way back at least every month. I don't really want to break up, but I would like to not have so much pressure.

    And she in no way sees that she pressures me, says she doesn't want me to feel that way, that she is simply just explaining her feelings. It's like we argue and nothing changes, constantly.
     
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  2. Brandy Alexander

    Brandy Alexander Well-Known Member

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    There is an article titled "Marriage Isn't For You" floating around Facebook in the last couple of days. I took a few minutes last night and clicked the link. I read the entire article and couldn't agree more. At this time, I'm not going to post the enitre article, however, it definitely deserves a read. The following paragraph of the article sums up most of what I think is the important lesson of the article.

    "To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

    And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.

    Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others."


    If meeting the simple wants and needs of your girlfriend doesn't make you happy in return, then move on!!!! She deserves more than a truly selfish excuse filled girlfriend! I wish good luck to your girlfriend!
     
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    You can really like someone, respect someone, value someone, love someone - and you can have those feelings without that person being a good fit or a good partner.

    Your girlfriend wants things from you that you don't want to provide. She wants you to behave in a certain way: according to her definition of sexy, affectionate, girlfriend-appropriate. Those gestures and behaviors don't feel right or healthy to you right now, and they don't line up with your ideas and definitions about relationships. Her desires and expectations are not bad or wrong; they're just different than yours.

    And you have needs that don't match her capacities. You need there to be less "pressure," fewer declarations of affection, more time and space, the space to progress through your feelings at your own pace. This is also a totally legitimate way to be and need to have; it's just different than hers.

    While neither of you is wrong or needs to change, it might be that you're not a good match, or that you have to work on how you support and care for each other intentionally such that both of your needs are met without violating your individual desires and capacities. Most couples do need to bring real thought and deliberation into their relationship if it's going to last in the long-term, because people have different assumptions, vulnerabilities, and abilities that aren't always on the surface during the first honeymoon rush. This work isn't hard to do; my fiancee and I check in at least once a month, to talk about how we're feeling, and create open dialogue around sex, affection, stress, and needs. We have a book on communicating for when we suck at it and a bunch of strategies to navigate tricky spots. All of this took willingness to work, change, and listen, and if that work seems like more than you can or want to do, maybe this relationship isn't the one.

    This work also takes effort on both sides. The biggest problem I see is that she doesn't acknowledge that her behavior is harmful to you and your relationship, by not seeing how her feelings make you feel pressured. If she can find ways to work to support you, to express her needs positively and take responsibility for meeting them when you can, then you might be able to find a way to break the cycle.
     
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  4. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    I do see how I could come off as selfish but I do pay attention to her and spend time with her, but.. I am not going to change everything about myself to fit one person. I have done that before and I have spent years putting my life together again. I have read that article that you referred to Brandy, I do believe in making the other happy in a relationship but not losing yourself in the process. Everyone needs to be happy or it will never work, it may not appear that way at first, but it will crumble in the long run if one person isn't completely satisfied.

    I do want to make clear that I have not told her I didn't want to be affectionate or anything like that, I just told her that she expresses things differently than I do and just because I am not all over her all the time it doesn't mean I don't care for her. I'm not a come cuddle with you all the time type person with her. She also works over 60 hours a week and I recently started a new job working 10 hour days, so we are both usually terribly exhausted. We are fine usually, but this little discussion creeps up about every month and we just can't get past it.

    I have explained to her why I don't respond the way she would particularly like me to sometimes. And Brandy, I do appreciate your response, I have discussed with her that if she was not happy and felt that it wouldn't work that if she wanted to end it, I would understand ( because I don't believe in trying to hold on to people who don't want to be in your life anyway).. but neither of us want to break up.

    And lorienczhiu, thank you for your response as well! I really appreciate it! We have been told by one or two others that we are polar opposites, she likes the outdoors while I prefer indoors, she likes beer and I like liquor, but sometimes opposites attract. I guess its a fact of figuring out if it is truly what we want. If it will make us BOTH happy.

    But I would also like to point out, I do not like feeling "pressured" and sometimes I may feel pressure when most people probably wouldn't because of things that have happened to me in the past, which I have shared with her. Sex is a sensitive subject for me, and probably always will be. But I don't think she truly understands what I'm saying when I explain these things to her. I asked this question because I do want to make sure she is happy and if she isn't I don't want her to stay with me if I can't give her what she needs. I fully understand that sometimes people don't fit. But she insists she is happy.. so if she insists that she is happy what do you do?

    I'm a pretty easy going person in a relationship, not much makes me unhappy.. I've been in a horrible relationship in my past, so as long as I am not being abused I am pretty much fine. So I never really have anything that I need to address in a discussion when it comes to our relationship.
     
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  5. lynds126

    lynds126 Well-Known Member

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    I'm not gonna lie, there's a lot written here and it's late so I didn't read every SINGLE word, but I feel I've read enough to know what's going on and to make a sensible contribution this topic.

    I've heard this kind of thing come up quite often within my group of friends. This is the way I see it; if she's telling you that she is happy, and if her actions are not completely contradicting her words, then you have no other choice but to believe her. Because the only way to know otherwise would be to be in her head, which you are not. You can try to figure out how she really feels all day, but only she can tell you if you're right or wrong.

    I think sometimes, we try too hard to "read" the other person but sincere communication is always the best and more accurate way to go.

    I really want to talk about this question you first asked: "I think I could be happier, is that selfish?"

    My friend struggles with this question all the time as she plays the dating game like the rest of us. This is what I tell her, you have the right to be happy. And not just "good enough" happy, happy happy. Happiest you've ever been happy. As happy as you want. At the end of the day, you know your needs and feelings better than anyone. And if you think there may be "more", then I think that's telling you something. It's not saying your gf is not good enough for you, it just means that there may be a better match. That's not a judgment, it's just the way it is. And there's no reason to feel selfish for knowing that about yourself. Your feelings do not label you, you simply are. And in that way you will be.
     
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  6. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    Lynds126, that was the best reply I have ever read lol! I agree, I think we often try to read the other person's mind instead of listening to the important things. She has not said she is unhappy. One time she did say that she wasn't unhappy, but she didn't feel the happiest, but she has not said that again. I did at that time tell her that it was exactly how I felt as well. But nothing ever came of it.. It's like we have these discussions but then nothing changes.

    I try to do more where I can, I buy her small things every now and then with sweet notes and send her the occasional "have a good day" text, etc.

    But thank you for your response about being happy enough. Not a lot of people understand that. I'm in no way saying she is a bad girlfriend, I think she is a great person and she's a wonderful girlfriend, I just am not 100% sure that we are the perfect match. I don't really know what to do. I mean I'm not looking to go find another girl or anything like that, but I also don't want to be in this same predicament 2 years later. I just don't quite feel like I'm happy. I feel in the middle lol.

    I've finally got a new job that I love, but she is having to relocate with hers next year and I am not sure I want to leave where I work, especially if I become eligible for promotion before then. Am I wrong for just kinda waiting to see how things play out even when I'm not exactly happy?

    I know its strange and most people would say to just go ahead and cut the cord, but I just honestly don't know where I am supposed to be in life and I am struggling a lot with it daily. And I don't want to lose any more people out of my life or make the wrong decision and end a relationship with someone that maybe didn't make me the happiest, but was good to me you know?
     
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  7. lynds126

    lynds126 Well-Known Member

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    (I'm glad my post was able to help you ^^)

    I completely understand where you're coming from. In regards to the new job/her moving thing, and leading into your question, it seems to me that you guys have kinda "settled" into your relationship. It's comfortable and easy, and while you might not be "happy go lucky" you're not exactly "unhappy" either. For better or for worse.

    I can completely relate to the "can't imagine being this way 2 years from now". I had a relationship like that and one day it turned into "I can't imagine being this way tomorrow." And that was that. I don't know if you'll get to that point, but kinda tends to be the flow. If that's the case, then I think you know what you should do, however scary it may sound.

    I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to wait to see what happens, because I mean, as long as you're not unhappy and she's not unhappy, then what harm is it? She has the ability to leave if she wants, as do you. And if you would like to ride it out, and can mean that sincerely then by all means! Things become the wrong decision when they start to negatively affect your life or the way YOU want to live.

    Your last comment ("some who didn't necessarily make me the happiest, but was good to me") makes me feel that you may be "settling" (no disrespect to your gf). Only you can answer this but I think you really should take the time to think about it. Because in honesty, that has more to do with you than it does her. You can learn a lot about yourself if you can figure that out.

    In regards to "where you should be in your life", I'm going to take a guess and if I'm right, woohoo!!! If I'm wrong, then take it for what it is lol

    You are supposed to be where you truly, and sincerely believe you should be. I think sometimes we want confirmation on how we're doing in comparison to others etc. But really, the only person you need to ask is yourself. If you are where you want to be in your life, than you're on the right track! You have no one to compare to but yourself because it is your life and you alone need to decide how to live it. I believe if you do this, you will be very happy and satisfied with yourself ^^
     
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  8. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    I think I really could sit here and talk to you all day about this.. lol! I don't really have any friends around to just socialize with let alone rant about things. I guess I should have updated this post before posting my new thread. So.. we ended up breaking up..

    New post: Dumped via text message.

    I feel like crap about it, but I know it was the right choice. We had a fight basically.. and what started it was a completely random text sent to me, well 3 texts, then I took a day to think about things... and decided it was what was best. If you want the full story, I promise its not a long post haha.. you can just click over to that thread.
     
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