Help!

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by Complicada, Mar 12, 2015.

  1. Complicada

    Complicada New Member

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    Hello to all!
    I really need some input on my current situtation...
    I´m 35, married with 2 kids, and have never had an experience with a girl before this.
    I´m well aware that I´m cheating and it´s horrible, but I´m also not sure how I feel about any of it, and what it actually means.
    I´ve a friend who I started hanging out more and more, we have kids the same age, and she would invite me to her house and all. She started hitting on me, at first I thought she was joking, but I also started enjoying it and going along too. The flirting was fun, and I realized that having crushes on girlfriends was not new to me, but rather something that has happened all my life, but it never went further, maybe because I´m an introvert.
    Fast forward a few months into this, we went to a party and she followed me to the bathroom and kissed me. Not once, but twice. It was like she opened a door, that I could not close again. It kind of ruined our friendship, because I was so lost and confused, but also into it.
    Then yesterday she invited me to her house. She was alone, and things went even further. I feel it was planned, and I felt kind of lost and inexperient, but I also enjoyed it so much.
    Am I in love with her? Is it just her or should I assume I like girls?
    I´m even more confused because we´ve so little in common, and would never have a relationship or anything. I feel this is just my understanding the bigger picture.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think it is your sexuality surfacing. Unless you find cheating itself exciting then you would need to distinguish between whether it is a sexuality thing or just a plain ol' roll in the hay with someone else.

    If you are ambivalent about the person you are cheating with, then end it and don't be alone with her again. A lot of married people can get attracted to a 3rd party. You don't really care for her romantically, correct? How do you feel about your current spouse? Are things good with him? If you could have any coupling situation open to you, what would you want? Do you want to be with just a man or woman or both a man and a woman? Try picturing it, without your friend specifically but any woman in general. Give yourself time to figure out and have her give you space. Don't feel the urgent need to fess up to your husband unless you think your sexual behavior would give him an STD. Do take a step back and spend a good amount of time (without the cheating) to figure this out, this is not an urgent situation. If you can get to some counseling, especially if you have an LGBTQ center nearby, do it.

    I know it is hard, what you are going through and you have your family depending on you. Take a breath, and you can face this. There have been so many women who have gone through this. You are not alone.

    I have talked about this author I read about on AE before. I think she has a lot of information specific to your situation:
    http://www.lavendervisions.com/
     
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  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Great advice from @greylin, I agree with the get some counseling sentiment. Work through your issues with an independent party. Keep yourself safe in all meanings of the word, emotionally and physically.
     
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  4. Complicada

    Complicada New Member

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    Your words mean more than I could describe. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and giving me advice, both @greylin and @Nancy.

    I´ve been reading it over and over, and already read some of the articles and sent a request to the Lavender website. Unfortunately, there are no support centers anywhere near me.

    I feel she has the upper hand on the situation, since she has dated other girls, and mostly that this is a game to her.
    But deep down, it´s not her fault either. It just stirred up something that has been there for a while, I believe.

    My relationship hasn´t been very good for a while. But I don´t like cheating and keeping the truth.
    Maybe one thing is connected to the other?

    Your words are wise: I have to slow down and think.
     
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  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Even if you don't have LGBT centres nearby look into having some counselling.
     
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