Help!! Need advice

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by M.m.w, Dec 15, 2016.

  1. M.m.w

    M.m.w New Member

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    so recently my girlfriend of 6 years dumped me said she isn't in love with me anymore.. i don't have a lot of people I associate with that isn't her friends. My question is how do I get over this?? And do I just let her go? Says she is straight now what does that even mean?! Also how to I put myself out there and get to meet more people!?
     
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  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Getting over devastating breakups is not complicated, though it is difficult.

    1. Give yourself time. Your brain and body are used to your relationship, your ex-partner, and the way things were; it is going to be hard, physically and emotionally, to re-write those habits and expectations. (The good news: your body and brain are very resilient, and can and will re-write those habits and expectations!) You are going to miss her, and feel sad, and probably be angry, and all of that is expected and okay. We don't get over a long-term relationship in a minute.

    2. Distract yourself. While you are waiting for healing and closure, get your mind off the hurt. Try something new - take a class or join a team - or pick up an old hobby that you put down when your life got busy with this relationship. These things will help remind you of how great you and your life are, with or without a partner, and help you re-calibrate to life as your awesome, single self. As you are looking for distraction, look especially for physical activity, opportunities to hang out with people or animals, and chances to be outdoors; these things will especially held your brain reestablish pre-breakup, pre-partner levels of the hormones that are responsible for happiness, closeness, and reduced stress.

    3. Be honest. There are going to be times - lots of them - when all you want is your ex back. At those times, look at your relationship and breakup with honesty: she ended your relationship, because she was not happy and no longer wants to be in a relationship with you. That sucks, but the best case scenario here is both of you moving on and finding happiness, not a return to a relationship in which one of the partners was unhappy.

    4. And, be kind. Moving on is really hard, and you are going to have days when all you want to do is cry and watch sappy movies. That is not a failure, it's real life, and you should treat yourself with the same compassion and patience that you would treat a friend in this situation.

    Yes. You just let her go.

    It sucks, but it takes two people to agree to be in a relationship, and just one person to end it. You don't get a vote, a veto, or filibuster rights. Your partner has said that the relationship is over, and so it is over. Doing anything else - "fighting for" her, trying to talk her out of her decision, refusing to accept it - is manipulative at worst and at best disrespectful to her. She made this decision, and you don't have to like it, agree with it, or understand it - she has the right to break up with you for any reason, up to and including "I just want to."

    It could mean a lot of things:
    - She is not interested sexually or romantically in women at this point in her life;
    - She has been noticing attraction to men and wants to explore it, and so is ending your relationship;
    - She is having a hard time with being in a same-sex relationship, and wants to pursue straight relationships because they are more socially acceptable;
    - She wanted to hurt/confuse you and thought that this would;
    - She felt needed to give you a reason for your breakup that you could not negotiate around.

    I have no idea what it means. But it doesn't actually matter, because she doesn't have to give you a reason beyond "I want to" to end your relationship. This could be truth, excuse, construction, or her attempt at a kind white lie; even if she identified as queer in the past or does sometime in the future, she is ending your relationship now.

    Say yes to invitations to parties and shows. Join social groups - book clubs, sports teams, dinner clubs. Try out trivia night. Hang out with coworkers. Sign up for meetup.com.

    And, don't assume that you cannot still be friends with the people who are also her friends. Six years is a long time to know someone, and your friendships are probably pretty solid. Try reaching out to a few people you feel particularly close with: "Hey, I know that this might be awkward, but I've really valued your friendship over the past few years, and even though Ex and I have ended our relationship, I am interested in still hanging out. How about we see that movie we were chatting about last month?" They might not say yes, but many adults (my friend groups included) have found ways for communities and social groups to survive breakups without schism.
     
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