Help me. My relationship is ending...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Jane Doe, Sep 25, 2013.

  1. Jane Doe

    Jane Doe Well-Known Member

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    If anyone can give me advice, please do. I badly need one right now.
    My girlfriend and i have been together almost 5 years. We moved in on our first year together. Just this year, after our 4th anniversary, i moved to another country for work. So right now we have a long distance relationship. When we were together, yes we have our ups and downs but we always seem to fix things. Now, it's been pretty difficult. We always fight because of time. I mean she is busy with her work and she seems to be having more time spending with her friends than with me. There are times that she would blow me off at the last minute to go out with her friends than to talk to me online knowing i have been waiting for hours for her to come online. When i text her sometimes she won't reply and if she does it would take hours. I wonder why she can post/comment on her social media accts than text me back. And when we get time to talk we always argue even the smallest things. Really, it's putting a strain on our relationship. We are thinking of breaking up. Honestly, I don't want to but I also don't want to feel this way, like shit. I don't know how to work this out. Do we still have a chance? Or should we or i let go of our relationship? I mean, i love her but sometimes i feel she's putting me aside.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Jane, this really sucks and I am sorry you guys are fighting like that long distance. I think some of the more mathematically inclined folks can come up with a formula that factors into a long distance relationship. Since I am not good with math, I will just list out my pseudo formula:

    difficulty of an LDR = the function of time, distance, difference in time, inability to just stare at your partners face on a digital screen and imagine yourself there, resentment for you moving away (even though she said it was ok), inability to resolve issues in text or written chat, resenting your expectations when you were the one who left (even though she said it was ok), and mysterious factor mu

    I don't envy you, distance magnifies everything. If you have really some serious issues, try to find a way to resolve in person or at least in visual mode. It makes all the difference to be able to touch someone you are trying to get pass all the misunderstanding with. Other than that, I suggest that you can't be very rigid with your expectations on her time. She is avoiding these meetings for a reason and I am not sure why. Maybe it is time to set it all aside and just ask her if she just doesn't like to meet up that way or be a slave to texts. Perhaps just do an experiment by texting her random thoughts you have about her, good ones, good memories and not expecting a reply. When you do have a chance to meet in person, talk about how you can set up dates that she can handle. I am assuming that this long distance thing just can't be helped and is there a light in the tunnel of when it may end?

    I want to make sure you know that your needs are important and it is not okay for her to ditch you and be dismissive. However, somethings are just difficult to fight about when not in person. Good luck to you both.
     
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  3. Jane Doe

    Jane Doe Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Greylin. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.
    I have talked to her on skype and like you said, it is difficult for her to handle this LDR. It's her first time and she told me she is having a hard time for us not together. It's not easy for me too. It's also my first time with LDR. She said that maybe we should just take this one day at a time. That she loves me now but don't know what the future holds. I am not really sure what she meant but I guess that's what she wants. A lot of things have crossed my mind when she said that. I guess i will let her do what she wants. And maybe she is right about taking this one day at a time. I am sad that i feel she is putting aside our plans. Anyways, I find this hard to accept. I love her that is all i know for now.
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Ouch, Jane! I would have the same reactions you had hearing that. You are right, this is hard for you too! The thing is, when I am invested in a relationship, I shore it up during hardships like separation and keep up the communication. I also make commitments and assurances that I would stick with this relationship thick through thin. I am thinking that there are a few possibilities of what is happening.

    One is that you and your partner are very bad at communicating and this is getting worse with distance. You and her might not have had a clear plan or idea of how this would work before you started. This is the more fixable possibility.

    The other two would be negative feelings on her part about the relationship. She could have been growing tired of the relationship over the years and didn't really put up a fuss about you leaving and now she is trying out her new life without you. Or, she could be resentful of being left behind and she is very angry right now but would not express it as such.

    I think if I were in your situation, I would really want to find out what is clearly in her head no matter what would become of our relationship. That is just me. I can live one day at a time, but I would need a clear understanding of the one I love.
     
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