HELP: I'm missing her sexual signals

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Rayne, Sep 11, 2013.

  1. Rayne

    Rayne Member

    Jul 5, 2013
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    Ok so my partner and I have been together a LONG while and things are great.
    Today she tells me that it seems like I’m not attracted to her anymore. This is soooo far from the truth. I think she is beautiful.
    She says she has been horny and trying to get me in “bed” for the last 4 days but I keep brushing her off. She said I do this all the time. Thing is, I had NO idea. (we made love 4 days ago and apparently she’s been looking for a repeat)
    My gf is shy and subtle whereas when I want her…I’m in her face dragging her off to the bedroom, or couch or floor…
    I am oblivious to gentle kisses and hugs. To me that says cuddling and snuggling. She isn’t the forceful type. Apparently that is her way to trying to initiate sex.
    How can I get her to be more…..obvious with me when she wants it? How can I make sure that I'm reading her correctly?
    I’m the type of person who needs you to just tell me. I can’t pick it up otherwise. I’ve told her this before and she says “I’m trying…”
    I don’t want her to feel like I don’t want her. We didn’t have this problem in the beginning because we were still in the sex-crazed stage. Now that we’ve settled down, I do notice it seems like I’m the only one who initiates sex, but now I’m thinking that its not that…but that I’m not picking up on it when she tries. o_O
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Rayne what a wonderful dilemma you have. It is a great break through that you realize she really wants you physically. I know her shyness can be frustrating at times, but if she hasn't changed all these years then it might be unrealistic for her to just change her stripes. But perhaps, if you take her to bed each time she does something that seems subtle? Could you maybe do something fun and try a reverse role play? Remember whatever solution you attempt, fun is the key and it should never be a chore.

    Happy hunting! (hmmm is that the right phrase to use...I dunno...)
  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    Rayne... am I your girlfriend? Because I totally relate: often feel like I'm putting myself out there an initiating sex but my fiancee totally misses it, and sometimes get frustrated/feel rejected because of it. My timidity is sometimes interpreted as low sex drive; it is not that.

    Awesome thing is, there are lots of ways around it. The first thing that you can do (which you've done) is stress that you absolutely find her attractive, and find opportunities other than sex to communicate it. (My fiancee will kiss my neck while I'm doing dishes, for instance, or express affection randomly, or leave love notes in my lunch. The end result is that I feel desired all the time, and so feel that when I'm ready for sex, the reception will be positive.) It ups our intimacy overall, and makes me feel that she's more available when I want to go after her.

    Thing two: don't try to get her to give YOUR signals. Learn what hers are, and help her boost them. It is totally foreign to me to pounce; if I have to start sex that way, I will probably start crying 10 minutes later because I feel that I'm putting on a show and feel very unsafe. When I want to initiate sex, I often start with kisses or caresses; there are a few things in particular that say "sex" to me instead of "cuddling." So I told my fiancee what those things are, showed her clearly, and worked on persisting if she missed the signal. We practiced, which was fun (to say the least). We're meeting in the middle - I'm still speaking a language that is authentic to me, just a little louder, and she's learning to translate.

    Thing three: ASK her. Is she doing something that might be initiation, but seems too subtle/sweet? "Hey babe, are you interested in sex? Because I'm there." It's awkward to ask at first, and she'll have to get used to saying yes (which I used to find SO embarrassing), but it opens the door to a healthy dialogue about sex and desire. Now, there's no guesswork involved, no mind reading, no uncertainty. If that's too direct, have a word - the opposite of a safeword - that's code for, yes, this is what I want (advantage: can be used in public to mean "tear my clothes off when we get home").

    Advanced tactics:
    Sometimes, we decide to try 15 minutes every night, or every other night, because I'm able to say that I want to be having more sex but find initiation really hard. So, initiation is a foregone conclusion, and after 15 minutes we check in about whether we want to continue. (99% of the time: we absolutely do.)
    We also use the idea of enthusiastic consent, meaning that both of us really want it, so that "going along with it" is eliminated from the fears we have around sex. Sometimes, when I feel brushed off or rejected, it's because I think she's just humoring me; by making sure that express and enthusiastic consent is part of our warm-up, I don't have to worry about what she's thinking (because she's going to tell me).

    I hope that's helpful; it's taken us a while, and we still hit bumps from time to time, but our sex is GREAT. It took a mindshift for both of us, and moving away from the idea that "if it's right, it'll just happen" to a more communicative, consent-based approach.

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