HELP- family do not accept sexuality and relationship with gf

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by jos98, Mar 16, 2019.

?

What is best?

  1. to keep lying

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. to be honest about relationship

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. jos98

    jos98 Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2019
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hi all,

    I'm freshly new here and found out about this page through my girlfriend whilst going through an almost breakup when coming out to my family.

    I'm going to try keep this short as i possibly can because this situation is very intense. So pretty much i got into my first relationship with my girlfriend at the start of 2018. I always questioned my sexuality beforehand but would always say to myself i just haven't met the right person or haven't met my type and would deny it or brush it off. Everyone would always ask me whats your type? or why don't you go talk to him or hook up with him? i hated it so much and i hated the thought of someone even having or wanting to set me up with someone. Sometimes i feel like because I never knew or saw my type or because i was just really insecure about myself. Anyways so then i met this girl who funnily enough i thought was my type and someone that i've always pictured to be in a relationship with, she made me so much more confident about myself, she made me realise a lot of things etc.

    Basically, this whole relationship was a secret until the new year entering 2019 which was the most horrible experience ever. My family accidentally found out about my relationship due to my overwhelming thoughts. i pretty much bottled up all my feelings for the past year and it eventually spilled out, i couldn't even tell my best friends that i was so into this girl and even when i did i would lie and say i'm not gay we can't be together etc. I was actually planning on keeping it a secret and then i would come out when i was like 30 which is not quite realistic in this day and age. Me and my gf tried to breakup a few times because we knew that it wouldn't work out which was so tough. i even had a month of not talking to her to figure myself out as i was confused etc. The reason for this is because i come from a strict catholic middle eastern family and they would never agree with my "decision" to be a homosexual or even marry this girl or be in a relationship with her etc. I'm kind of scared even typing this but i just really need some help. I would not accept breaking up with someone i really and truly loved over the fact that just because she was a girl. If i couldn't have her than i wouldn't want anyone else because she is honestly all i've ever wanted. I don't want to sound like a girl whose blindly in love because its not the case i mean i'm 21 and i may i not know everything an experienced a lot of things but i felt really certain about this.

    So few months after the whole mental family crisis breakdown of them finding out me coming out i'm lesbian etc, we decided that they would give me a certain amount of months to spend time together, get closer, they wanted to try and understand me more the way i feel, what happened to me when i was younger etc etc and then after that time i would be able to "decide". I am still currently in touch with my gf and we techinically are still together as i do know that i want to be with her. This still really upsets them knowing that i've already made my decision. And now i can't help but think and doubt everything. I mean ever since i came out i was gay and told people the truth about everything i've felt like the happiest person ever and felt so much stronger. I won't talk much more about what happened how i felt but i guess why i came here is coz i have so many questions and was wondering if anyone would be able to help me or clarify things because i really do love my family and have such a good relationship with them and now that all this has happened i can't help but think;



    what if im doing the wrong thing?
    what if i will regret this later?
    what if something happens to my parents and how much they are going to suffer?
    am i even making the right decision even if i think i am?
    how is one so sure?
    is it bad to destroy or weaken the relationship i have with my family by facing or doing this?

    i have my doubts and certainties but its gets hard when i have everyone at my face saying stuff like, in ten years time you will look back and say wtf was i thinking bla bla. Which i do acknowledge but i told them to let that be my responsibility as i'm choosing this. I guess i'm just really frightened of my family suffering and how they will take this, and i guess this is the process of it all but i can't help but think all of these things :( Her family knows and are supportive and are supportive of me too which is helpful, it feels like i'm battling two wars in my head. i currently do live with my family and i'm not in the best time or state to leave, i'm unemployed, finishing my last year in my degree etc. I'm also receiving help from a psychologist as things at home are pretty heated. There was a month or so where we weren't talking about it and i had thought that we made things clear, but then conversation arose again we've been constantly arguing yelling crying anything you can imagine and which is what has led me to come here.

    i'm certain about wanting to be with her and my sexuality and i know what i'm going to have to move out eventually etc , i'm just unsure of the future i guess and if theres anything more i can say to my family to help them deal with it better?

    if anyone else knows someone in a similar experience it would mean so much to me to reach out or even give any advice :(

    Thanks
     
    #1
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    633
    Likes Received:
    590
    Your family's feelings about this are not yours to deal with. There are no magic words you can say to make them okay with it, and no way you can manage your sexuality to change the fact that they want you not to be gay.

    That sucks, but it's actually really freeing: your whole job is to take care of yourself, because their actions - and their beliefs, and their acceptance - are on them. You are not doing this TO them, and everything they are experiencing is 100% their choice. All that pain, all that stress, all that suffering - Not. On. You.

    So, here's a principle my mother taught me that is the cornerstone of my adulthood, including of relationships with my parents: Other people's shit is not your responsibility. The worst thing you can do - for yourself and for them - is to bend over to take on their problems, or to insist that they take yours. Your family's homophobia, and all the resultant suffering? Their disappointment, their fear for you, their grief for their imagined Straight Daughter Who Never Was? Their shit, honey. Hard, toxic, mean, painful shit - for them and for you - but if you try to make it better for them, you will actually just be deferring the pain of taking on and working through those feelings.

    If you want something to say (when you're ready to move out - more below), try: "Family, you raised me to be intelligent, self-aware, and to take care of myself. That is what I am doing by being honest about who I love. Please respect that this is what I need to do and it's what you taught me to do... in other news, I finished my degree with honors, let me tell you about my coursework! (or other appropriate subject change)." And then, if there is screaming and yelling and guilt-tripping, set boundaries by leaving. Hanging up the phone. Make it clear that you respect yourself so much that your honesty is not up for debate. When that boundary is firm, if your family chooses, they can have a relationship with you that is about so many other things.

    Steps:

    1. Finish your degree. Do whatever you need to do to stay safe and stable while you finish.

    This includes lying to them. I know, that's hard, but your family has shown that they do not respect your choices or your honesty, and that they will punish you for that honesty with screaming and crying and stress. So you don't owe them honesty. You don't have to tell them that you and your girlfriend are together, that you will always consider yourself gay. You can say "I've really been thinking about everything we've been discussing." You can say, "You're right, maybe I do need to stay open to other options." You can say whatever you have to shut it down so that you can focus on the necessary step of getting your degree - which will give you independence and control over your living situation.

    2. Separate your finances from your parents. Open a bank account that no one in your family cosigns on or is aware of. Transfer your savings, and keep saving.

    3. Reach out to your network - friends, supportive family if you have it, old teachers, whatever. Invest time in your girlfriend's family, which is supportive. Start cultivating a family of choice.

    Because, in the upcoming period, your family is not going to be there for you. That might not be forever and it might not be all of them, but you deserve love and support that doesn't come at this price.
     
    #2
    Spygirl likes this.
  3. jos98

    jos98 Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2019
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    woah, thankyou so much i really appreciate your reply that means alot to me. i agree with everything your saying its just so hard not to feel guilty and overthink all the time but i guess im getting better at that :( I know i may have to lie its just i feel guilty and annoyed that its making them "hopeful" again that ill be straight or that i won't be with my girlfriend etc or sometimes i wonder what is the point of even lying if im gonna be with her and itll only make them hopeful? I guess its just the better way to do things as opposed to if i was to just leave home and end things badly with my family.

    Im currently trying to focus finishing my degree and find a job to support myself and get my mind off things. All your advice is definitely something i'm considering and have been doing. Thanks so much for that its made me look more forward to the future and be hopeful about everything i needed this :) thanks alot!
     
    #3
  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    633
    Likes Received:
    590
    The point of lying is making it possible for you to survive this period, finish your degree, and establish your independence. The point of lying is that you don't get screamed at. The point is YOU, and your safety.

    Your family's hope - or lack thereof - is not the point. People who are not reasonable and respectful do not earn your honesty. Them being hopeful, and then disappointed down the road, is the consequence of THEIR BAD BEHAVIOR - that screaming, fighting, crying, guilt-tripping you into being someone you are not. It is not the consequence of your sexuality or your survival strategy.

    Look, I get that we spend our whole lives worrying about other people's feelings. But you are the president of the Taking Care Of You Club, and nobody else is stepping up, and you owe it to yourself to execute that duty without putting (unreasonable, yelling, mean!) people's feelings before you.
     
    #4
    jos98 likes this.
  5. Jessi B

    Jessi B Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2019
    Messages:
    163
    Likes Received:
    222
    You got to do what is best for you! If your family see's that your happy with the person you are with they will eventually come around and accept it! It might take time but do what is best for you first!
     
    #5
    jos98 likes this.
  6. jos98

    jos98 Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2019
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0

    thats true i agree with everything you are saying :( its just at the same i wonder aren't i making this worse by making my family or parents more hopeful and make them to believe that "i've moved on" or that "im not gay" when this whole time that isn't the case? I dread having to bring it up again in future that i am dating her and that i am gay i fear that it will feel like me coming out to them all over again i know it will be less shit than the first time around.

    Im also in fear that in this time "im lying" they will find out i've seen her or if word goes around or even if they see me with her in public then they will find out i have been lying this whole time etc etc and then having to admit to my lies again will just be a massive blowout. They will get so angry and hurt knowing i've done it again. They were already so upset that i lied the first time. Sometimes i wish honesty would be the best thing i hate having to be in a secret relationship all over again with my family, but i know i'm not in the best position to tell them im dating her again either and these things need a hell lot of time. When is even the right time to even bring up again that i am dating her ?
     
    #6
  7. jos98

    jos98 Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2019
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0

    They know i'm happy with her now, but they don't see me being happy in the long run and think i will regret this in future. They also don't believe that i'm gay so everything is kinda heated :( All i want to do is prove how happy i can and will be with this girl, but yeah i guess time heals all wounds and eventually maybe they'll come around even though they have told me and assured me that they will never accept "my decision" or any of this at all.

    Surrounding myself with friends who are supportive aswell also doesn't make them happy and rather makes them sad that i would rather spend time with my friends than communicate with them and i have explained why. This needs a really long time....thanks for replying!
     
    #7
  8. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    633
    Likes Received:
    590
    Maybe a middle ground would be helpful - don't tell them you've broken up. Just don't talk about it with them.

    There have been a bunch of times in my life when I've let other people's hopes and/or assumptions closet me. It sucks. But sometimes it's the safest thing to do.

    And... sometimes it's important to say that your family being happy or accepting you might not be on the table. We all want that happy ending, but it's not always in the cards.

    A lot of what you are saying is focused on their needs and happiness. I get it - you don't want people who you care about to be upset or angry with you. And it takes time to shift your perspective, but it will probably be helpful to notice when you are putting their happiness and comfort before yours. Because the kindest thing to do, for them if you can't do it for yourself, is to let them meet you where you really are, down the road.
     
    #8
    jos98 likes this.
  9. jos98

    jos98 Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2019
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Yeah your right i guess. i just don't when the right time to bring it all up again and for how long i should be going on like this :( I'm preparing myself that might be the case and i won't have the exact happy ending to them it's like im choosing this girl over my family which is not the case no matter how many times i try to explain.

    My perspective is definitely starting to change especially since coming out, i just don't like the feeling of being closeted all over again :/ Yeah your right i think the conclusion for all of this is just time. Thanks for your reply :(
     
    #9
  10. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    633
    Likes Received:
    590
    What about shifting from "choosing this girl over your family" to "your family is choosing their homophobia over their relationship with YOU"?

    Keep things quiet until you are safe and independent. The closet is a necessary defense in a lot of situations, and being out has a price for a lot of us. I never actually came out to my extended family, to the point that I got married and took my ring off at family events. The price - to my parents, who are supportive, and to me - was just too high.
     
    #10
    jos98 likes this.
  11. jos98

    jos98 Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2019
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    things have escalated a heap since a few days ago. i had to leave home because i felt trapped at home with anything i would say or do we would not come to an agreement or understanding, to the point where i couldn't even go back to work. it was putting a massive strain on the relationship with my girlfriend and i couldn't handle it anymore so i was honest and told them that i was finding it hard to not be in touch with her or see her etc and that just set my family off forcing me with no option but to leave home :( i know everything needs to heal and needs time but this is my current situation right now i feel like what i've done is right for now. theres no way my parents will ever come around, well atleast not for now its all i hope for but i don't see it happening :( everyone keeps stating that leaving only makes things worse which it kind of has, but its interfering my happiness with this girl and i've realised being at home makes me more stressed and in more mental anguish as much as i'd never want to leave my family because this hurts me:( they state they accept me for who i am yet don't accept the relationship as they believe i can still have a relationship with a man no matter how many times i try to explain that it would not be a healthy and fulfilling relationship, aswell as religious beliefs and values there angry about that i have gone against. They think im too young and rushing my decisions and want to move out and leave which isn't the case. i don't feel stuck and im mentally doing fine the only thing that is making me stress is how my family are dealing with it all. im trying to stay future focused by finishing my degree go back to work and better my future so i don't end up on the wrong path. i just hope im doing the right thing (i feel like i am) and don't what else to do to make things right or okay.
     
    #11
  12. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    633
    Likes Received:
    590
    Hey, it took a lot of guts and integrity to choose to tell the truth here. Even if your current relationship doesn't end up being forever, I think you made the right choice.

    Your family is fine. They are adults, who can seek resources to deal with their feelings, support groups to mourn their imaginary straight daughter, etc. You are not that resource, support group, therapist, confessional, whatever. Please stop worrying about their feelings, because there is literally nothing you can do to make them feel better without gutting yourself.

    They might never be okay with it, but don't count them out yet. Right now they are deep it shock and bargaining, and there might be something on the other side of all this anger and fear and grief. It's not your job to wait around or talk them through it, but know that there might be a relationship there.

    Hang on. You're going to be okay.
     
    #12
    jos98 and greylin like this.
  13. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,117
    Likes Received:
    954
    @jos98, I hope you have found a place to stay and you are doing ok. Do you have local LGBTQ center that can be a resource for you to find funding for school and such? Sometimes there are grants or government help when your circumstances change. If your parents don't come around soon, please do get your ducks in a row. I admire you in your courage. I hope to hear from you soon on how you are doing.
     
    #13
    jos98 likes this.
  14. jos98

    jos98 Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2019
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0

    Your right. I am so slowly starting to get the courage to not worry too much about how they are taking things and how i feel because i know at the end of the day i can't change anything.im starting to become stronger at doing this and im glad that i am! I have been in contact with them and they have said they would like me back home and promised and assure me they won't talk about it anymore or raise anymore arguments-although i do find this hard to believe because i know in time this will happen again and if it does i'll just have to leave because even though it has only been 4 months since i have come out there are times when i can no longer stand being at home coz it is so mentally exhausting not just on me but everyone in my life and it affects the relationship with everyone in my life too. Thanks so much for your kind words and reaching out to me it really does mean a lot.
     
    #14
  15. jos98

    jos98 Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2019
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0


    I have for now but i do have to go back home just because my parents are not coping well without me and they promised that we wouldn't try argue or fight again. I know it is probably bound to happen but if it does i will just have to tell them that i can no longer carry on and try to find a place to stay permanently if its for the sake of my family relationship. They said they will choose to ignore this part of my identity and try to carry on with the relationship at home of the family. Which is fine for me for now as it doesn't put so much mental strain but i know i won't be able to cope like that forever and will eventually have to leave. This time away from home for me has really helped but to everyone else it seems as im running away from my problems and not communicating which is exactly the cause of the problem for me to leave. i have just been able to focus on myself my studies and not have to think so much about what is going on or how people are feeling. i still keep in touch with them everyday but it only makes me more overhwhelmed and i have communicated that but the believe this isn't the best thing to do especially as no one out of my siblings would do such thing which i don't like when i compared. There are definitely government funding i can access for help in my situation for now i'll just have to see how things play out at home. Thanks so much for your support and your reply it really does help me. I hope everything works out eventually :(
     
    #15

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice