heartbroken

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by florence88, Sep 16, 2015.

  1. florence88

    florence88 Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2015
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    8
    Okay so, this is going to be quite long. I'll try and condense it as much as possible but try and include all the vital information.

    Basically, my wife and I have been together for 8 years. We have had a pretty amazing, hectic and emotional relationship. When we first got together we kept it secret for a couple of years until we eventually came out to close family and friends. Everyone was wonderful and accepting.

    Fast forward a few years, we were living together and finally decided to get married as it became legal in the UK and it was simply the next step in our relationship.
    The year leading up to the wedding it was very stressful, lots of opinions and fall outs from various family members (not to mention us arguing a lot over decisions!)

    The wedding day itself was wonderful and I couldn't believe I was marrying my best friend and tag team partner (thats how I referred to us being).

    Anyway prior to this I developed an eating disorder. I only recently admitted this to myself. My wife asked me if we should postpone the wedding so I could get help, but I refused as a) I really wanted us to get married and b) I couldn't really see that I had a problem.

    My wife told me several times if I didn't get help, she would leave as. I just saw this as a tough love approach.
    After we got married the eating disorder got worse (really limiting food, feeling immense guilt after eating) and I also had, what I can only see now as being mild depression and bad anxiety.

    My wife got a job, which meant her commuting almost an hour away and spending ALOT of time at work. At first I understood as it was a promotion into a general manager role and, my wife being a workaholic, wanted to make sure she was doing a good job.

    After a few months things got quite fraught, we weren't really seeing each other despite living with eachother, and my mood swings got worse (I would get angry if she wouldn't come home or she would sometimes go into work on days off). I know I was pressuring her and nagging, yet I just couldn't stop and calm down.

    She ended up developing a really close friendship with a colleague, texting almost all day morning and night (even when we were having an evening or morning together). Jealousy reared its ugly head and I became confused about their relationship, not understanding why shewould chose this person over me.

    Naturally i'm a bit of an introvert and I quite enjoy my own company, I have friends but my wife would constantly tell me she was worried about me as I didn't have close friends (I did, they just didnt live nearby). Due to the eating disorder I did lose vibrancy and became tired and irritable.

    Anyway this continued for a while, my wife once again telling me if I didn't seek help, she would leave. Eventually I did get help but I was placed on a 12 week waiting list for CBT sessions. It tipped my wife over the edge. She became more and more distant, choosing either work or her colleague over me.

    One evening my wife told me she didn't know how she felt about me anymore and after a lot of tears, she said we should take time apart (she tried to do this a few times but I refused knowing space wouldn't help).
    She stayed at her colleagues parents house for a week, whilst I lived alone. It was a pretty awful week, we set some rules but we kept in touch however she wouldn't respond like normal, simple one worded answers.

    After a week we went for dinner, the mood was tense and I could tell something was different. She didn't seem herself and she kept looking at me in disgust, telling me I looked too thin (due to the stress I hadn't been eating properly).

    We went for a drive and it was then that she told me she loved me, but was no longer "in love "with me. She felt like a carer more than a wife and she needed time to focus on herself and get herself better. For almost 2 months I lived on my own in our house. She moved in with her parents, with the notion she would move closer to work, in her own house with her own things.
    Her idea of marriage was that she thought it would be a magic wand and it would fix our issues. I couldn't believe it. I married her because I loved her and she was now telling me this. I felt hurt and incredibly upset, like our marriage was a sham.

    As I couldn't live alone anymore, I needed support to get better physically and emotionally I had to move back home with my family (1 and a half hour drive from our home). She felt we simply "ran our course" however wanted to remain friends.

    As soon as I moved back home she has virtually stopped all communication. At first I believed time away might make her realise her mistake and she would want me back. Before I moved away she told me divorce was likely and, although I told her the door would still be open, she said its closed shut.

    She claims there was no romantic feelings for her colleague dispite how close they became. She helped her through a breakup and that's where their relationship grew.

    I've decided the best option is to cut all ties to my wife (ex should I say). She has been cold, distant and got her way during this whole process. She changed her profile picture to her and her colleague and it tipped me over the edge. I have been crying almost every day over her. So now, I am trying to think I am better off without her and its time now for me to be happy and healthy again but its easier said than done.

    She has threw away 8 years (11 months of marriage) without a care in the world and I just don't know what to do. My heart aches every day and I just don't see how it's going to get better. I feel like I have failed everyone and my eating disorder caused my wife not to love me anymore.

    I don't want to be a martyr. I know its been hard for her but from what friends have said, she doesn't seem all that fazed by it, dispite us being together for so long. We were so devoted to one another and like a switch, she said she couldn't do it anymore.

    I am lost xxx
     
    #1
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    Oh, honey.

    It's really hard to face having a serious mental health problem, and it is so much harder when your support system dissolves right in the middle of it. Getting help is hard, and slow, and frustrating; you are doing it anyway. (I'm in the middle of treatment for anxiety and depression, and it's been months, and I still feel "meh" most of the time.) The only way we can enter into these struggles at all is that somewhere, under all the crap, we believe that there is a better life on the other side, where we aren't in such constant pain and doubt, and it takes immense strength to believe that with minimal evidence. I think that you're doing the right thing, and I think that even though you feel lost, you have a firm path beneath your feet. It's hard to see - in the fog of depression, anxiety, disordered eating, and control - that you are strong, you can trust yourself, and that you are lovable.

    And, as someone who also has some mental health issues and has dealt with some real crap: your wife did not hold up her end here. It's not like it was a surprise to her, after so many years, that you struggled with disordered eating; she agreed to be with you, to marry you, and to love you regardless. She had many opportunities along the way to cut and run; she did not take them. An optimist would say this was because she decided she loved you enough to love you scars and all; a pessimist would say it was because she was minimizing the seriousness of the issues. Either way, she had the opportunity to do something emotionally mature and responsible: identify her capacity to support and stick with you, and act accordingly. She did not do that. (And it would have sucked, it she'd ended your relationship then too - but it would have been kinder and more honest of her.)

    And then when you decided to pursue treatment, that's when she leaves? Moves out? You have to move home? You, on the verge of actually getting help and getting better (3 months feels like a long time, but it's a BLINK in the span of your life) - that's cold, and that's what tells me that no matter how much this sucks, you dodged a bullet. There are women out there who understand that being a human being in a true marriage to another human being sometimes are going to be caretakers. People get sick, and people need help sometimes. Sure, she didn't sign up to be your nurse, but anyone with half a heart and access to google should know that recovery is a long road, and that there would be some bumps along the way.

    All that to say - you didn't do anything wrong, in the end, because it's not wrong to need help and care. You deserve both, and you deserve love, and you deserve someone who won't cut and run when things are hard. The first step to all of those things is to let yourself mourn the marriage and partner you lost (even if all you lost was your belief that she was someone different). That's going to take time, and it's okay to be angry and sad and lost for a while - just as long as while you're sad, you know that you did not create this situation by struggling with an eating disorder, and that you are as deserving of care and love.

    Is there anything in particular you want to talk about? Want ideas about? Because it seems to me that you have a pretty clear sense of what happened and what went wrong, and I'm not sure - other than an friendly shoulder - what advice you are looking for.
     
    #2
    Nancy likes this.
  3. florence88

    florence88 Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2015
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    8
    Thank you for your kind reply.

    I think I just feel confused still and in many ways, writing seems to numb the pain for a while. I feel like I irritate my family no end constantly going on to them about it (although they would be kind and tell me otherwise).

    Just wondered really if anyone has faced a similar situation. I dont quite know how to overcome the illness and I feel like I am taking a massive step backwards in my recovery.

    I want to prove to myself that I have the strength to fight but I feel weak and exhausted. Moving home meant I had to stop counselling as it was too far to commute back and forth for the sessions they wanted me to attend.

    I've not yet had the courage to find any support groups here in my home town.

    I have moments of clarity and "yes I can do this!" And then suddenly everything seems cloudy and painful again xxx
     
    #3
  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    Yeah, that sounds like depression - moments of conviction and competence, surrounded by fog. That's normal, and not at all a failure. It's how mental illness - which is a actual thing that is happening in your brain - operates, affecting pretty much every system in your body and making you feel like not quite a person.

    I think your first priority is to get into treatment - not even for your eating disorder, but just: therapy. There must be a queer- and disordered-eating competent therapist near where your family lives, or close enough that you can ask a friend for therapy roadtripsl (I would totally do that for a friend of mine who just went through a terrible breakup), so that you can begin to talk to someone whose whole job is to be kind to you and help you identify ways to move forward. (In the time since my first message, I actually went to my therapist! Who was funny and sweet and helpful, and doesn't care if I cry while answering her questions. I still am depressed, anxious, and kind of a mess, but that's okay.) A therapist you trust can help refer you to services, classes, etc, without you having to do all the legwork, and can also help you process the genuinely traumatic situation of the end of your marriage. Even without anything else, that's enough of a reason to seek help; I didn't seek help for a long time because I didn't think my problems were severe enough, but eventually coping mechanisms aren't a good enough way to live life. You have an opportunity to get help and heal in a healthy way from this real wound, and while it's really hard to do, you will be stronger on the other side.

    Calling a hotline, googling providers in your area, calling that counseling service to ask if they can help you locate services closer to you - that is a good enough step forward. Don't try to think past that, and ask for help from your family if you need to, even if it seems silly to ask them to find a phone number for you.
     
    #4
  5. Emm

    Emm Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2014
    Messages:
    488
    Likes Received:
    484
    Hey there,

    Your original post totally nailed my exact situation right now.

    My girlfriend and I were together for 13 years. There were, of course, ups and downs, and I had supported her through the better part of 10 years of recurrent health problems. She helped me through a couple of severe anaphylaxis events, and blatantly ignored an untreated eating disorder I've had for at least 8 years. But when I got really bad depression and anxiety.....it took her 6 months of half-hearted support to drop the ball and call it quits.

    The funny thing was that I was just starting to get really decent treatment, after months of trying to deal with half-assed doctors and therapists. I have a great a psychiatrist, had a new psychologist lined up and was taking my meds, working out regularly and trying everything I could to cope with just being ok, just getting through each day in baby steps.
    She broke up with me three weeks before my first session with the new psychologist, at a time when I was most vulnerable, by saying she 'just couldn't do it anymore' and 'something was missing' (it was, I had stopped doing all the cooking and cleaning and fussing over her) and it took me the better part of a month to just get over the shock that she had actually done it. There's more to it than because I'm depressed, but it happened to be a great time for her to throw down her cards and walk away, she had the excuse she needed to do what she had to do I guess.

    We initially agreed we would keep living together in my house, for at least a couple of months, that I'd go stay with my parents for a week until we felt calmer about things and had a period apart. But it didn't turn out that way.

    I'm still staying with my parents who are incredibly supportive, push me to do my therapy homework, try not to ask a million questions about depression and anxiety and eating disorder things, give me my meds, remind me to not overdo the work outs and hug me every single day. Sometimes I feel like I'm grinding on them, or letting them down by not getting as much better as I need to be right now. They tell me I'm not, that they understand its a process, and I somewhat believe them most days.
    The house, where the ex currently still is, is close enough I can go by on days when she's not there and see my cats, check my mail, and get things I need. We have met once in person, it was awkward, painful, confusing and cathartic all at once.

    Depression sucks, big time sucks. And you need those that can support you best, something i can see in retrospect she just wasn't capable of.

    I wish I had some magic answer for both of us about how to ride out the storm, but unfortunately I don't.
    I just wanted you to know you're not alone with this. That it hurts and sucks and is zero fun, but there are so many people here who can help with advice and rants and support. And hit me up via pm if you want a shoulder to cry on (I'm good with the cat memes :))
     
    #5
    rac, Gentry, lorienczhiu and 3 others like this.
  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    I pretty much second what @Emm says. Your wife fell in love with her colleague and used it as an excuse to dump you. It's much easier to say 'my ex wife wasn't taking care of her issues' than it is to say 'I had an affair and left my marriage.'

    Of course it is hard to stay with a sick partner. But staying is what marriage is about. You stay through the sucky bit and through the great bits and the meh bits.

    I stayed with my wife through a career change and Med school. She staid with me through wicked ptsd and depression. It really sucked at times. But we both kept (and still keep) fighting to make it better.

    Your wife lied to you and kicked you when you are down. Try not to take on the guilt and just keep fighting to get better.
     
    #6
    Emm likes this.
  7. florence88

    florence88 Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2015
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    8
    Thank You for this.

    I just don't understand why, after promising she would love and care for me, she would call it quits.
    Her excuse was that she was weak and my mood swings beat her down to the point where she had to leave.
    My change in personality meant she simply "fell out of love" with me. I know I will never get answers, but its just confusing. For a while she couldn't tell me the reason as to why her feelings changed, all I got was "I don't know", which was the same reply when I asked her what her idea of marriage was (until she eventually told me it was due to my personality change and eating disorder).

    She changed dramatically after dropping the bombshell. I would ask her to meet to chat about the situation and was also met with "I don't know what i'm working ", and when she did come over it was very clear she didn't want to be there, yet she could still make time for her colleague after work. The very last time we saw each other she expected a hug, I simply could not do it. She finally showed emotion and got upset but I refused to give her that after the way she acted. She stood by the door for a minute then left. We haven't spoken since.

    I know it's not her (her colleague, let's call her C to make it easier) fault, my ex wife gets very attached to people very quickly almost to the point of obsession, I don't think the feeling is mutual between the two of them as C isn't gay, although my wife was very quick to shut me down telling me that doesn't mean anything as I dated men before meeting her. Looking at it now I do believe my wife found happiness with C that she didn't have with me. My wife even told me C made her happy and forget about everything - like an escape almost.

    Anyway I am ranting and I apologise. Every thing is still so raw afrer 3 months. I am trying to heal by writing but I just needed advice from like minded people who may be in similar situations.

    I know a divorce will be looming soon, I honestly don't know how to handle that if/when it happens.

    Sorry ladies xxx
     
    #7
    Emm likes this.
  8. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    Don't be sorry; we all opted to be here, read, and reply to you. You get to feel exactly how you feel, and how we feel about it is totally irrelevant! Concentric circle of care, here, and you're in the middle.

    I don't know why she would do that either; some people don't keep faith with their commitments, because they aren't strong enough or aren't willing to put in the effort. It sounds like the coworker was definitely an escape for her, and served as a foil to your relationship - letting her imagine an ideal situation, which was even easier to daydream about because the coworker is straight and unattainable. Once she let herself ask for an out, she was all the way out, and didn't prioritize your care even a little bit. And you do NOT have to take care of her feelings, even if she wants things to be all hunky-dory and full of hugs; you don't have to make her feel okay about a marriage she dropped out of.

    At the end of the day, she broke her marriage vow - presuming the whole better or for worse thing was in there. It totally blows. It's the thing that I (with absolutely no cause but insecurity) worry about re: my wife and my mental illness. But I try so hard to remember that even though some people fall through, lots of others don't, and that even with all my crap and history I still get to hope for and work for a healthy, loving marriage. However crappy this is, and it is totally crappy, on the other side maybe things will be better - for your wife who can't provide what you need, and for you, who deserve a lover and partner who can.
     
    #8
    Jane Doe likes this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice