heart completely stuck

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by GreenBeen, Feb 21, 2017.

  1. GreenBeen

    GreenBeen Well-Known Member

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    Hey girls,

    I have a best friend who is very close to me. We've been friends for years. Both in our mid twenties.

    I have never thought of her in a romantic way. Until this summer she suddenly kissed me at a bar. I didn't think much of it, just drunkenness.

    Then we went on a trip. And while we were out she made out with me all night long. Up to the point in bed she made me have an organ.

    When we came back she made a move on me again and we almost had sex again.

    Then one night I tried to kiss her and she started saying how she doesn't want to do this every time we see each other, that she's not really into it. I was a bit upset but our friendship resumed as usual.

    We wouldn't have sex but we would sleep together and cuddle like a couple.

    However I started realising I had feelings for her when she started flirting with a guy friend of mine. I was jealous and hurt and it finally came out how i felt.

    She doesn't feel the same and wants me to be supportive of her dating guys. What mattered to me is our friendship and we resolved it and added some boundaries such as no more sleeping in the same bed.

    Our friendship resumed as usual. Although not gonna lie my feelings for her never subsided. Yes I try to look elsewhere for girls but I feel very strongly for her.

    We are currently on a trip just her and I together. And I realize how strongly I feel for her. We cuddle on the trip but once I layed next to her in bed and she didn't want me to sleep in it claiming we already discussed it.

    I really love her. We get along extremely well, have the same sense of humour, almost never fight. I know I feel there is no hope but I don't understand how I feel this so strongly and yet she doesn't feel anything. There is nothing I can do.

    We're having a great time on the trip but I just feel like kissing her all the time. I haven't said anything to her because I know there is no point. I know I will hear the "don't fall for straight girls" but with her she's the one who initiated the whole sexual adventure we had. I have a hard time believing there is nothing there for her at all.

    I feel that if I take some distance maybe she would miss me and realize that there is more between us. But I don't want to because she's my closest friend. But it has become torture at times because I feel my heart breaking whenever she talks about guys and if she were to get together with someone it would tear me apart.

    I wish I would not have these feelings for her.

    Sorry I just needed to vent.
     
    #1
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2017
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi Greenbean:

    I think you have made progress regarding this girl since this thread:
    http://forums.afterellen.com/threads/disastrous-situation.9995/#post-69625

    You have actually set the boundaries and she is realizing that she needs to stick with it. If you could move onto taking breaks from each other and focusing on yourself then you can start healing. You seem to want relationships with people who are fantasies instead of hitting a dating site and just try to go out with gay women. You might want to see if there is something to wanting straight women. Perhaps you like the chase in a fantasy. I know this particular girl is hard to let go off given you already have a friendship and a hookup with her. That must have given the fantasy a more reachable touch for you. But that's still an unreachable fantasy.

    When she said no, you have to respect that and please don't build any more resentment towards her about it. I do understand your resentment, as from where I stand, a friend should not use another friend that way without being clear about it being a hookup. That is pretty reckless. You are both in your 20's so I guess a lot of drunken reckless things get done at this age group. This is also the time for you to take note and develop into that confident gay girl who will invest in a good relationship. So hopefully you can invest time into yourself instead of nursing your feelings for her.

    Take care and I wish you the best.
     
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  3. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

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    Oh no, girl. In my experience, once you get to this point, you're not really going to move on until she's out of your life entirely...for quite a while.

    I know you're not likely to stop seeing her because I know how strong the desire is...

    Just keep in mind that you have to take care of yourself. And actually, I'm positive that you know internally what needs to be done.
     
    #3
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  4. GreenBeen

    GreenBeen Well-Known Member

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    Thank you gals.

    Thing is I am on dating sites. Multiple even.I am trying to put myself out there.

    It's not that I want to like her. Quite the contrary, I wish I didn't.

    I realized I must either put some distance or continue along as is. It's a double edge sword because we are very close friends. But I know that it kills me whenever she talks about guys, envisions a future without me.

    Today we had many drinks and I was drunk. She suddenly started saying how she hopes she is clear about boudaries between us. I told her I respected it. I eventually told her how I felt, basically that I loved her. She says she already knew that. But that we can never be. That she only likes guys and only sees me as a friend. She says the way o feel about uer is the same way she feels about a guy feiend of mime she likes. Ouch.

    Mind you, I was extremely drunk.

    I have to move on. I feel like almost I'm in a friendship with an ex who just wants to be friends. I feel foolish, and like a loving doormat to her.

    It's not that I want to have feelings for her. I just do. I don't like liking straight girls and like you said greylin, I cannot keep nurturing these feelings for her.

    That is why I decided to put my distance when I come back from my trip with her. I will initiate less, and just focus on myself fully and just completely immerse myself into myself, my goals and hobbies and not put so much energy on her anymore. She really doesn't give 2 cents about my feelings for her. All I want to do is move on.

    My heart cannot take any more wounds from her.
     
    #4
  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I think that you stay in the friendship because you're secretly hoping that one day she will wake up and realize that she really does have feelings for you. That maybe....just maybe....she'll come to her senses and you hold out hope.

    The heart...it's a strange thing. You can't help the way you feel, but you can help how you react to it. I don't think she's been fair in the friendship to you since she's the one who originally initiated the "more than friends" thing. At the same time you need to respect what she tells you no matter how much it hurts you. If she tells you that she does not have feelings, it's not up to you to question it. This is her absolute truth.

    I think you need to take a break because right now, she's not the one hurting you -- you're hurting yourself. Distance and time are the solution, and I think you should make it clear to her that you need space. If she respects the friendship enough, she'll understand.
     
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  6. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    If you take the "straight girl" part out of this, it sounds like common experience of two very close friends, who are relatively young, who crossed a line and became sexual with each other. After multiple drunken incidents, the one friend decided she wants to just be friends and she moves on to other possible interests....But the other friend has all of these feelings about her and is "stuck."

    In the romantic comedies, the girl wakes up and realizes she is in love with the friend and is returns to declare her devotion. There is a happy song playing in the background, and they live happily ever after...
    It seems to be the formula everyone wants, so Don't beat yourself up so much that you seem to be trapped in that hope or fantasy. It is played over and over to us from the moment we are little. It is understandable that you are holding out for the happy ending.

    Unfortunately, it usually does not work that way. If you engage sexually with someone, and she tells you that you are not who she wants, you have to accept it...no matter how strong your feelings for her may be. And no matter how many times she got drunk and kissed you. It sounds like, most recently, she has kept boundaries with you, even though you kinda wish she wouldn't?

    I know you don't want to lose the friendship, but for your own heart you need the space. She is your friend. She will understand, and accept it. Since she compared it to a love that she can't have, she does get that it is painful to want someone who does not want you back.

    And we must not really take out the factor that she is Straight. She keeps telling you that, especially recently....even if she did play around with you before...she has since identified that she is not gay or bi or even curious at this point. It sounds like she has said clearly that she does not have those feelings for you.

    I am much older than you. So, I have had the experience of deeply loving someone who does not love you as much you love or in the same way that you love....it does not feel good to be looking for the tiniest signs that your strong love has finally won the heart that person. I have also experienced when someone you love Just Loves You, (without you convincing her or proving to her or waiting for her to wake up and realize it)....
    IT IS SOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER!!!!!...without a doubt! and the LOVE just grows and grows and grows in a way that is simply unimaginable!

    Everyone deserves that experience. It pales in comparison to any unrequited love. Don't cheat yourself out of that by waiting around for her to "wake up" or settling for what you get from the friendship because you are afraid you can never feel so strongly about someone else.

    Space and time from her. Keeping Boundaries even when it is hard. And some soul-searching. These things will help you.

    I recommend no more one-on-one vacations that "mimic" a romantic get away minus the romance! That seems frustrating and confusing to me. And just painful! Ouch!

    Good luck letting her go.:( And come back here for support or just to let us know how you are doing.
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    And there is the mad chase to stop the train, plane, bicycle and whatnots so they can be together at last. I love this perspective.
     
    #7
  8. GreenBeen

    GreenBeen Well-Known Member

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    Thank you so much for the advice.

    You have no idea how much it helped me.

    Logically I already know that it is a dead end. I wish I can stop liking her. And trust me I've had my fair share of straight girl experiences and I hate them. I wish never to relieve them. I have had girlfriends in the past whom I met on dating sites. So I am hopeful for the future that as I keep putting myself out there some other lovely gay lady will come my way.

    Update: the day after we both got very drunk she was upset with me. She would ignore me and not look at me once. Finally she opened up and told me she felt that I was trying to get with her during the entire trip. I didn't understand because I didn't try to kiss her, or anything of the sort. Just a few times we cuddled but we'd always do that. She was saying that she felt that I didn't respect her boundaries. It really hurt my feelings when she proceeded to say that it grossed her out if I touched or she felt I crossed the line and felt uncomfortable.

    I told her I know she doesn't feel the same way and that I wasn't trying to do anything. The only thing that happened was when I mentioned how I felt when we both drank too much to which she brought it up first but other than that I didn't try to do anything. I even told her how I wished I never had these feelings for her. But I can't help it.

    We didn't talk for a day and I told her in the evening that we had a misunderstanding, that I wasn't trying to get with her and that we should move past this. She agreed and said everything is fine between us.

    The next few days we had a great time. She goes to university a few hours from me and we talked and I was sad and cried that we had the fight and was just worried about it. She told me our friendship means a lot to her and it means a lot more than trying to be romantic and what not.

    We are on good terms. I don't understand why she'd suddenly freak out on me the other day. I think she just really wanted to be clear even though I already know how she feels.

    I can't explain how I feel now. I am trying and will move on. I know I will. I have to her friends to focus on, hobbies, work and family. And I know distance is key. Which in a sense is what we do since she is a few hours away from me and we usually see each other a few times a month. But it's a double edge sword because I can't not see her at all. We are too close friends and she will be needing me also a in a few months since she is having major surgery. I will try though to initiate less and i must heal my heart. I really do love her. And she knows at least. But there is really nothing I can do but move on.

    Not gonna lie. I do wish she would realize her love for me. But I don't think I can wait for that.

    As for her sexuality, before the trip she started mentioning how she had a crush on a female teacher. And more than a few times she has mentioned how she'd have intercourse with a girl again. One of my friends thinks she is confused about her sexuality. I told her about the freak out she had a few days ago and it doesn't make sense that she gets over dramatic about it that much if she's so sure of her sexuality. Also when we had that fight she would deny that anything sexuality happened between us when clearly we did go to orgasm.


    Regardless, I can't wait around for a confused/denial/girl who rejected me. As simple as it is...if she'd love me we'd be together. That's it.

    I have to kill any hope within me. Hope just prolongs suffering.
     
    #8
  9. GreenBeen

    GreenBeen Well-Known Member

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    Also I have never tried to convince her to be with me. All I ever done is tell her how I felt. I never mentioned any convincing at all.
     
    #9
  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    You have done nothing wrong. She freaked out because, 1. She was re-interpreting everything you had done on that visit with you confessing once again your feelings. Every touch, every hug have become something different. Not saying that was your intention, but that was how she saw it. 2. She also was drinking and that can color things for her and her reactions could also be different than if she was sober.

    I wouldn't bring it up again with her, your feelings, nor what happened that day she freaked out. As far as needing space, sure you can stay away! I know you want to help her but make sure it is truly something she wants and more importantly, you want to do and not something you are obligated to do. You will need your boundaries as well. I would stop pretty much all touching if you have to spend time together and certainly no more drunken sessions.

    You can't help the way you feel, but changing behaviors will help rewire your brain. If someone is ever grossed out by my touch I would never see that person again. I don't want to even be seen together and risk some kind of a doubt that everything is consensual. Be proud because you don't deserve that kind of reaction even if it was a misunderstanding.
     
    #10
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  11. GreenBeen

    GreenBeen Well-Known Member

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    Thank you so much for your response. You really helped me.out guys. I feel better actually.

    I have anger towards myself for letting myself slippery say my feelings as she brought it up when we were drunk. I feel like an idiot because this whole argument could have been prevented. She also said that she feels that it's good that we can talk about it. But that's what I think hurt me the most--how she compared me to feeling grossed out as a guy who currently keeps pestering her.


    As I read this I realize more and more how I want to distance myself and how hurt she made me feel. Mind you, she was upset so people do say things without thinking when mad.

    But still I'm very hurt of that comment.

    We agreed to move passed the argument. But I think I've been left wounded.

    Anyways distance is the best. I need to focus on myself. I don't think she realized how much she hurt me.
     
    #11
  12. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, that comment about being grossed out by your touch was concerning. Personally, if someone said that to me, I'd stay away from them for good (even if I thought I was in love). I'd hate knowing that's how somebody felt about me..

    Don't be angry with yourself. Announcing your feelings is the best way to gain some clarity and some closure if needed. Never feel badly for taking that step.

    The reality is that she could never feel for a woman what you feel for her. She may desire some physical attention from time to time when she's lonely and drunk but she'll never be able to give you what you need. So no, don't wait around for her to fall in love with you. It's not going to happen. She doesn't have the capacity.

    Please stay distant. That also means stop watching her on social media. You can tell her that you need some space to move on if she doesn't understand the distance. If you change your scene a bit (new hobbies), you'll come across many other beautiful women from time to time that you'll start to notice...and you'll find yourself moving on.
     
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  13. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    ^^^@GreenBeen - my apologies for the confusion in my use of the word "convince." I probably should have chosen a different word. I did not mean it as in arguing or persuading someone by literally "talking" a person into loving us. Sorry that it sounded like that.

    I meant it more in the way that many of us, in general (not necessarily you, specifically), have hoped that by being the most understanding, the most loyal, the most reliable, most patient, etc., the object of our love eventually would become "convinced" that she loved us back. Too many people do that, hoping their own love will be powerful enough to wake a person up and she will reciprocate the feelings. It doesn't usually work; most often, the feelings are there or they are not. Waiting it out for someone who may or may not be confused about her feelings is painful and often disappointing.

    In any case, from your follow up posts, it sounds like it has become clearer to you that it is better and healthier for you to take some space and time away from this friendship. I am sorry that your talks with her have been hurtful. Be sure to give your heart the time it needs to heal.
     
    #13
  14. GreenBeen

    GreenBeen Well-Known Member

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    Hi everyone,

    Update-

    After the trip, our friendship resumed as usual. We didn't talk about it anymore, and I just told myself to accept the close friendship which is more inportant.

    However, our friendship just naturally is intimate. While she was a few hours away for school we would call each other on facetime for over 6 hours, when she comes back to town we spend everyday together. Of course, i try to meet other girls on dating sites. Eventually we became physical again, just naturally the physical boundaries just blurred and we cuddle. We went out dancing and we dance very close and she grinds all over me.

    A very major update was about a month ago, we were out having a beer and out of nowhere she brings up how she honestly thinks we could be together but that what is stopping her is that she wouldnt want to ruin our friendship if it doesnt work out. I didnt really respond anything to not push anything but simply said, if it could work it could be worth it. she also brought up how she would date a girl. She also mentioned how it would be awkward when we get partners, and what we would do. She even mentions how she hopes id pick her over my future girlfriend.

    Later on that evening we joined friends, and one of our friends teases us how we should get married and belong together. She laughed about it but it could be alcohol, as we would walk outside to go smoke she held my hand. She looked at me and we almost kissed. As we drove home that night she mentioned how she liked ot that people think we are together.

    After that night we never brought up what happened but somehow one night i got emptional because she saw a picture of a guy friend she liked and talked about how she liked him. She makes comments how she likes men and not women, and that i would need to be supportive when she gets a boyfriend. That i know where she stands.

    Its just confusing because she flips back and forth, one time saying she does like me and then another going to opposite direction. Im thinking when she meets a guy how i just know it will cause major damage to our friendship and she asked me howd i feel and i just know it would really hurt me.
     
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  15. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    She is already hurting you. She is not really your friend, she is the object of your affection. You have a part of you that is damaging to you but has this romantic notion that it needs to live and keep pursuing this. It doesn't. This quacks like an addiction.
     
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  16. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Your friendship is over. It was over as soon as you developed feelings for her, as soon as you advanced to a physical relationship, as soon as you started to feel actually jealous of her other interests. It was over as soon as she dropped the bomb that she might be interested in you and then withdrew that interest (honestly, I think this was a tactic, deliberate or no, to keep you on the hook). It was over as soon as you started spending 6+ hours on the phone together and talking every day (because this is NOT friend behavior! I have had some best friends in my time, but no one has ever gotten that much of my obsessive affection and attention). It has been over for a long time.

    What you have instead is an incredibly unbalanced romantic relationship: intimate & unacknowledged on one side, desperate longing on the other. You have a crush who is aware of your interest, ramps it up in private or when she is drunk, and then 'lets you know where she stands" to crush that interest. I call BS on the notion of this being a "friendship," because in friendships people take care of each other, are honest and courageous, and do their damn best to avoid causing hurt.

    Is there any situation in which you will not be (more) hurt by this person? Let's look at a few possibilities:
    1. She agrees to date you (oh happy day!), but she is actually super not ready to be queer and out. She struggles (and probably just refuses) to come out to her family, and engages you in some kind of closeted "just for now" nonsense with mutual friends. She hates being stared at on the street, so no PDA, and keeps socially flirting with all these guys. You end up doing the lion's share in bed, because she's not sure she's actually into it. Sooner rather than later, she flip-flops again, and tells you it was all a mistake and she just wants to be your friend. The crisis passes, but you are nervous and shaken. Eventually, you come back to us asking "why won't my girlfriend introduce me to her friends?" or "how can I get over my gf's ex-bfs?"
    2. One of these boys turns into an actual thing, and she drops you - except when she needs emotional reassurance about her new relationship, to process their sex life, or to gush about the relationship elevator's progress. You are heartbroken, and ask her for space, and she feels betrayed and hurt that you can't be there for her in this exciting time in her life. You end up being the bad guy, with a broken heart.
    3. You try to bring it up, and she is so scared and embarrassed that she freezes you out. You lose your friend, and she makes you feel as though you are crazy for even thinking that she might be interested. She insists, forcefully, that she has always been only interested in men and she thought you understood that kissing you was just to pass the time between boyfriends, she never meant anything by it, and this is a normal way friends interact (hint: it's super not!). You lose your close friend AND your sense of what is expected or appropriate in relationships.
    There is some 0.05% chance that this ends well, GreenBeen, but I would not hold my breath. And I would be really honest about what is happening here: you are in an unacknowledged intimate relationship with a woman who will not admit her feelings or reciprocate the way you want her to. Who has told you as much, but who also has engaged in highly manipulative behavior to keep your attention and desire focused on her. This does not end with a tandem bicycle riding into the sunset.

    Your next move is to set real boundaries and move on. It is the only thing that will bring you peace, self-respect, and love in the long run. Leave this woman and her closet to be someone else's swamp to get stuck in; get yourself free.
     
    #16
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  17. GreenBeen

    GreenBeen Well-Known Member

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    Thank you guys so much for your input.

    Lorenzchiu you are spot on. You really went to the depth of what our relationship consists of.

    I know in my mind how it is so bad on so many levels. This past month we have spent everyday together and our putings are almost like dates, she pays for me one time and another I take the bill. It's like a template of a relationship.

    The last I saw her was 2 days ago. She went to another state for 2 weeks to get a major knee surgery.

    When we said goodbye we couldn't stop hugging each other. She was crying and I kid you not, we embraced each other for over 20 minutes. I have never hugged someone for that long, other than my ex-gf one time. Everytime I was about to leave we'd hug each other again, we couldnt let go of each other and held hands. We kept going back and embracing each other. I was almost kissing her neck. She then said "I'll never be able to say goodbye if you don't leave" as she was crying. It could be she needed comfort and she was really nervous for her surgery.

    I don't know what that was all about. It definitely was not platonic. Things like that just make me think that she must have some kind of feelings for me. That night again she brought up how it's gonna suck when i get girlfriend because she won't see me as much. Why would it bother her if she doesn't want to be with me?

    Also I forgot to mention, about a month ago, she was getting annoyed that my ex gf who I was friends with kept liking my posts. She really didnt like it. And really didn't like her. She wanted to even tell her jokingly to leave us alone.

    It's very confusing. We even exchanged rings. She has a ring that i wear all the time, that is very special to me and im wearing a ring of hers that she wears all the time. I just feel like im in a double edge sword. The past two days i have just been letting her initiate and giving her space. These two weeks give me tome to think and evaluate all of this.

    I tell myself I must either just enjoy it while it lasts but I know if i do that I will be in tremendous pain when she meets someone. Or I can forcefully make myself forget her now. But also I am trying to meet other girls, I am actively on multiple dating sites and look around. Or when I meet a girl who will knock my socks off I know it will be easier to forget her.

    Reading my post and your replies has gotten me feeling mad. She really isn't being fair with me. I feel like a rabbit with a dangling carrot. Im almost having enough. This is not fair for me. I don't deserve this. This constant back and forth flipping, a week ago we were having a conversationand she starts saying mid conversation why am I staring at her. There is only so much i can handle.
     
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    Last edited: May 1, 2017
  18. Beau_amc

    Beau_amc Member

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    Oh how I can relate to this! My story is quite similar where I fell for my best friend, told her about my feelings, told her I was seeking counselling to deal with it and that we couldn't be affectionate with each other anymore because I was getting mixed signals, im not sure if she identifies as bi, she has just said she has known she likes men and woman since she was a kid.

    After she knew I was seeking professional help, she decided to confess to me that she had a crush on me months ago and never really got over it, but knew she would hurt me and ruin our amazing friendship, and that she isn't relationship material, (red flagsville rift there), that confession and false hope did me no good at all, a few weeks after that she kissed me and that lead to other things, it was all sorts of mind fuckery.

    The ladies on this forum have honestly helped me so much. I'm still currently depressed and heart broken and the worst part is is that we are no longer friends and she blames me, says I hurt her and can't expect everything to be ok.

    I'm sorry for what you are going through because I know how painful it is. Everyone here and even the counsellor I saw said I need to distance myself from her and let her go. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The thing is I have no choice because she mostly ignores me, I get a half smile and wave when I see her, she won't reply to my text messages and is starting up an online relationship with a guy, I've been replaced as her best friend already.

    Honestly I think you need to not see her anymore, I know for me that even when I meet other woman, I still only want her and I don't give them a fair chance. I did meet one lady that I thought I could like but she wasn't into me so that sucked.

    Please keep us posted, good luck with everything
     
    #18
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  19. Canuck8881

    Canuck8881 Well-Known Member

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    You need to tell her what you're telling us. She can't cross the line between friendship and relationship (which she does all the time) and still say she's not interested. You need to tell her how you feel truly about her and tell her you either have to be friends or partners. No grey lines. And when she says you are just friends, like i think she will, you stand your ground. I think she will say she just wants to be friends but when you enforce that, she will be forced to realize what she has been taking for granted and change her mind. Good luck.
     
    #19
    GreenBeen likes this.
  20. GreenBeen

    GreenBeen Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2013
    Messages:
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    I agree 100%

    Im actually looking forward to meeting a girl who is available and knows what she wants. I will no longer invest myself emotionally romantically. Yesturday we spoke briefly and I had went out with a friend for a drink, and she started asking questions like a girlfriend such as what's her name? changing subjects arent you? Is this a new girlfriend?

    It was just a friend but obviously it seems to bother her.

    Regardless I know what i need to do. i cant invest myself like this is a relationship. Not unless she figures out that she really does want to be with me.

    I appreciate the support and the feedback tremendously, you guys really help me see things in a real perspective.
     
    #20
    Canuck8881 likes this.

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