Healthy boundaries in a relationship?...what are they?

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by marg0, Jan 17, 2018.

?

Is it ok for you S.O to grab/touch you anytime

  1. Yes

    3 vote(s)
    33.3%
  2. No

    6 vote(s)
    66.7%
  1. marg0

    marg0 New Member

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    Mid20's, 1st "out" relationship...
    So I've been with this woman for a few months now, and she's my first "official" girlfriend. To say that I was inexperienced before would be an understatement. Things started between us very quickly, and she's got over 15 years of experience on me. Since the beginning, I felt pretty vulnerable due to the fact that she's pretty much done everything by the time she met me, and I had not. But she's always belittled that and brushed it off. Even making it seem like that was nothing compared to her body image insecurities. There were quite a few times when I was sort of... convinced to try/do things (sex-related) earlier than I would have preferred to, and after a while I've been saying no more often because I wanna make sure that we both enjoy what we do, versus me just going along with everything.
    We have good conversations, we vibe in other areas of our lives and there has been a strong physical attraction since day 1. I enjoy being together but what bothers me is how much I get guilt tripped if I say no to being sexual... is that normal? is it normal in relationships to expect the other person to always be down for anything? Because she says that she's not mad about me saying no, yet every since I did (6 days now) every conversation we have ends in her throwing in my face that i've "rejected her" and am "not into her anyway." She's my first and she knows this.
    Looking for advice...
     
    #1
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    No, it is not normal to guilt trip someone for not wanting to have sex. No, it is not normal to belittle or push someone into having sex.

    No, it is not normal to try and manipulate someone with “oh you don’t want sex right now, you must not be attracted to me at all...”

    It is normal for partners to have different drives and desires. In a healthy relationship, people negotiate that in ways that both people are comfortable with. It is not healthy to demand, coerce or guilt trip someone into sex.

    Think about it another way, would you want to have sex with someone who didn’t want it? Could you go through with the sex knowing that the other person didn’t want it and was only do it because they were pressured? Wouldn’t you feel guilty if you pushed someone into having sex with you?

    So what is wrong with your gf that she thinks it is ok to use you for her sexual needs? That she doesn’t care that you don’t want to have sex.,

    Personally, I think you should dump her. If not, at least talk with a therapist a bit. Lead with “my older gf pushes me into having sex...”
     
    #2
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    That's really not okay. Your boundary - sexual agency and the right to say no - is absolutely fine and worth enforcing.

    Your girlfriend is manipulating you into having sex you don't want to have. She is guilt-tripping you for saying no to sex. She interpreting your "no" to having sex as a rejection, which I get - it sucks to get turned down - and making that reaction your problem, which it is not. All of this suggests that she is going to continue to make her sexual needs/feelings about sex your problem to solve and adapt to, rather than listening to what you say, feel, need, and ask for. (It's also a worrying sign - what other issues/mismatches is she going to coerce/guilt trip you around? What else are you going to go along with, without really wanting it?)

    Address this with her now. If she isn't willing to hear you and work on it, this is not a good partnership for you in the long term.
     
    #3
    greylin likes this.
  4. Fix Society

    Fix Society Well-Known Member

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    I agree, totally, sounds bad. Whole nine yards, she shouldn't be doing that and you should have your boundaries be respected.

    But also, on the other hand, lesbians have a stereotype, and that's the U-Haul. By the third date you're practically married, that's how fast lesbians can go, I've seen it, and they move like Maseratis in their pick-up trucks, you'll have children in a month.

    What I'm trying to say is, she's used to that lifestyle, where everyone's already in a gay-established castle and things move really fast, she doesn't understand why you can't and need to go slow, and is definitely taking it personally.

    She's hurt. She's taking it to mean you don't love her.

    I wouldn't say she's in it just to jump your bones, obviously there's more to your relationship than that, so I would definitely sit down and have a talk with her to tell her your hesitations and discomfort - not because of her, but because this is all very new to you and you'd like to take the time to actually savour your first time and not run with the motions because this is very new, very different, very important to you, you need time to learn and process and you did not live in a gay-established castle driving fast cars.

    High wave of misunderstandings on this beach. Don't let it wash you guys out.
     
    #4

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