haunted because ex-girlfriend got with a guy

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Insisterous, May 28, 2016.

  1. Insisterous

    Insisterous Member

    Dec 28, 2014
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    My ex and I broke up for over almost 3 months now. I wasn't very clear on why she wanted to break up with me. All she gave me is that she couldn't see me being in her life but still wanted to remain friends afterwards because she still loves me. It was rough for the last few weeks of the relationship. I didn't feel that she's fully present when she's with me. She said that she tried her best but it wasn't enough for me. Since she works 2 hours driving away, we rarely see each other. I would make trips to see her when I'm off. She would come home when she's off. Otherwise, she stays at a friend's during the work week. Less than 1 week after we broke up, she told me that she might be pregnant soon. That was her way of implying that she slept with a guy unprotected. Not too long after, I found out from a very close friend that she introduced him as her new boyfriend. I knew who that guy is. He is a guy in the group of co-workers, she usually hangs out with. When I first met him, I could see that he wanted something with her but I have never doubted her. I'm a pretty open-minded and understanding about sexuality. I could understand that people want to explore who they really are. Reasonably speaking, she did not cheat on me, but I couldn't help feeling betrayed. I have haunting images of her and it's still hurting. It wasn't necessary for her to tell me what she did or indirectly inform me of her new relationship. Given the history that we have, (we have known each other for over 10 years), and whatever love was still there (according to her), I don't see how a short period of complete distance for grief can be so hard for me to have.
  2. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

    Jan 15, 2016
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    Well, you said it yourself-she didn't cheat. She deserves to be happy but so do you. You can't erase her-10 years of knowing her means having memories with her and erasing them means erasing yourself, in a sense.
    I really think that not seeing each other would be a good idea. Still talk every now & then but avoid seeing one another (unless by chance). You need some time alone. Recharge your batteries and figure where you stand.

    Find out what you're looking for-something more permanent, family, kids etc or you're still up for hook ups every now and then.
    Last but not least-you need to learn how to feel whole by yourself. Find content with yourself, your own company. having others in our life is important but we also need to be self-reliant. Once you learn how to do that, your heart will heal and you'll be ready to let someone else in and not be dependable on them to make you happy :)
    greylin and Plane Jane like this.
  3. wonderlust

    wonderlust Well-Known Member

    Jul 20, 2014
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    I remember the first time I found out my ex was sleeping with a guy, a day after we broke up. My imagination was relentless and images of her with this person kept playing back in my head for a while.

    Eventually, gradually they started to get less and less though. I had to make a conscious effort to take charge of how I would move on. I cut her off completely, in the beginning I was demanding for some sort of explanation but then I realized... hmm, that's just me trying to keep her around. She did what she did, she made a choice and it wouldn't make a difference anyway if we spoke about it further.

    Anyway, I guess all I'm trying to say is, it may feel like crap now but it does get better. I would recommend not talking to her too for a while, just coz it'll still stir up feelings instead of allowing you to work through them on your own.

    Hang in there.
  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    ....Less than 1 week after we broke up, she told me she may be pregnant soon.

    Think about that for a second and let it sink in. If I were a betting woman, I'd bet she probably moved on with her life before you broke up and she just wasn't being honest with you. It's likely that she wasn't present in the relationship because she probably had her mind elsewhere....and on someone else.

    This is a girl who is trying to soften the breakup by telling you she still loves you and wants to remain friends. She's selfish in that regard. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.

    If anything you should be angry. She doesn't deserve your grief.
  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Exactly! Your feelings over this are valid and you have to trust them. Just like if you have an injured limb, you have pain. You would need to take care of that limb and favor it for a while. The good thing is, you are hurt but not maimed, and your wound will heal and if you treated the injury correctly from the beginning, it will not be a hindrance in your life in the future.

    She dragged her feet and cheated either physically or emotionally for whatever reason. She could not have had the courage, she could have been in denial, she didn't know how to tell you, whatever. I would have wanted a sit down with her and confront her before her new life and let us both clear the air and move on. Some couples opt for exit counseling. I would want to tell her off and then in time forgive her but how could I be her friend with all that in my heart and the 10 years, (10 years!) that was us and now it is not?

    Be well, my thoughts are with you.
    Frazier, rainydaze and Spygirl like this.
  6. Finkie

    Finkie New Member

    Jun 8, 2016
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    I had a similar experience. My girlfriend left me after two years of dating but said she still loved me and wanted to remain friends. And we have stayed friends but know I found out that she's been dating a guy and it's killing me. I thought I was over her but now I feel even worse than after the break up. I'm thinking I can't be friends with her anymore.

    It's hard because I don't want to lose her but I just can't be her friend anymore. So I think I should take some time off and see if there are chance for us to be friends after some time.

    And I agree with spygirl that she already moved on during your relationship. As did my ex. And I wish I would have kept distance right after the break up because now I feel like I'm reliving the break up and it's worse than before.

    But now I've decided to not be in contact with her anymore. Which is hard because we work together. But luckily I'm starting my summer holiday soon so I don't have to see her for 5 weeks. I hope that helps.

    So I think you just need to keep distance no matter how hard it is. I learned the hard way. And maybe after some time has passed you can be friends.
    rainydaze and greylin like this.
  7. Insisterous

    Insisterous Member

    Dec 28, 2014
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    Thank you all for your kind response and encouragement. I've given much thought about it and actually realized her actions showed the person she really is, or has became. She is not the same girl I've used to know 10 years ago nor the same woman I've been in love with. Even when she wanted to stay friend, she wasn't being a friend. Knowing that the wound was still fresh, she could have came to my father's funeral by herself, but she chose to come with her boyfriend, now is fiance and her baby's father. (My father has passed shortly after my initial post). I still try to be kind and supportive of her pregnancy when her seldom texts come to complain about pregnancy sickness. For the past 10 years, even when we weren't together as a couple, I still made effort to stay in contact as friends regardless of distance. I don't think there is any point now. The one thing that saddens me the most is not the loss of a lover, it's losing a 10 years friendship.
    rainydaze likes this.
  8. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

    Nov 22, 2015
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    I'm sorry you are going through all of this. The break up. Your father's passing. This is all incredibly sad and difficult stuff. It just sucks.
    You need to look out for yourself right now. I can't imagine you have the energy or motivation to have conversations with your ex about her pregnancy woes. That is incredibly selfish of her to expect that from you.
    You have every right to be angry with her and to need some distance. Not so much because she is with a man now...I mean, would it really be any better if she was with a new girlfriend and telling you all about their baby they are having together? It is the betrayal that hurts, the timing,..the fact that she had started something, physical or emotional, before she left the relationship with you, how fast it all happened, the loss of the 10 year friendship, and her insensitivity demonstrated by bringing her new lover to your father's funeral.
    Let yourself be mad, sad, whatever you are feeling. Take your space. Let yourself grieve all of your losses. And hold the hope that you can let your heart begin to heal.
    Check in here for support if you need it. Best wishes to you as you cope with all of this.

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