Hating one your girlfriend's best friends

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by JEM, Dec 2, 2014.

  1. JEM

    JEM New Member

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    Ok so this one is a classic I know, but here's my situation.

    My girlfriend and I actually discussed this once before about this girl, her friend. They were acquaintances since high school and they started hanging out on a regular basis maybe 2 years after school, while we met. One day this girl assumes and therefore "admits" that she KNOWS that my gf is crushing on her but she wasn't interested. My gf tells me that it was such an awkward situation because it wasn't true and unexpected. So when she tells me this I get upset because I think, if she knows my gf is in a relationship with me but is hanging out with her with intentions of being more than a friendship, then why did she keep making plans with her. she ALWAYS asked my gf to hang out. Mind you, this girl is straight and was always blabbing away to my girlfriend about her guy problems. Anyway that bothered me and it made me feel like she was using my gf for attention. From that day on, they stopped hanging out because of what I told my gf and she agreed.
    Eventually, through a slow transition, I wasn't bothered by her anymore and I even willingly hung out with both of them. It went well and I was over all of it. she had also had decided to explore her sexuality and her boy problems turned to her, girl crush problems.

    Now, we fast forward about 1 or two years later. Me and my girlfriend broke up for about a month and they decided to go on a date. We're back together now but she tells me it was one date and it didn't work out. So they're back to being friends but this shit really bothers me. I feel like this girl is just using her. First off, i never really liked her based on her personality but I dealt with it and would hang out with them occasionally because I know they're friends. But now, I just feel shitty. Ive made so many assumptions, all negative but I need to somehow get over it. I hate having to bug her about this all over again but I don't want to have to tell my gf who to hang out with. I've decided that its me who has to work this out but its harder this time around because they've become good friends and I don't want to look horrible if I make my gf take what seemed like a break, from this girl yet again because then her friend is gonna hate me and eventually they'll speak again.

    So what I really want from anyone is a little perspective. Am I nuts? If so how do I deal? Is she nuts? is there absolutely no reason for anyone to be stressing over this?
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Work on what broke you two up in the first place and don't worry so much about this other girl. The girl sounds annoying, but if your relationship is strong, you should be able to handle any waves.
     
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  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Gosh ya, that would set my teeth on edge. If you can't stand the sight of her, it is okay for you to set boundaries for yourself. I met this couple who are friends with another couple and the wives could not stand each other but the guys are best friends. So one of the wives, wifeA, gently set some boundaries onto what settings she would participate if they were to hang out. Like, not going over to their place because it takes longer but eating out was fine. WifeA knows that she has control over her time and could completely withdraw from the socializing, but she chose some limits that she could live with instead.

    It is also okay for you to ask for more time with your gf and you know already you can't ask her to stop her friendship. But most of all, it is a real burden for you and that is the unhealthy part. So in a long way around, I am saying some of what Bluenote is saying, focus on something else, like what broke you up in the first place and do all the great things that were lacking in the first place.
     
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  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    I got worried when I read the title alone. I couldn't be in a position where I didn't like my girl's bestie or vice versa. Of course I read on and saw that this girl is by no means a"best friend." This girl is a manipulator and not a real friend. The important thing is that you and your girl keep talking especially about how this situation is affecting you, there's strength in solidarity. You can't make your girl do anything that's the kind of thing that'll cause a relationship unbalance. You are a partnership of equals, I imagine this 'friend' makes your girl uncomfortable, the whole "yeah she fancies me" even though she's in a relationship with you, rings alarm bells with me. Before I start going round in circles I'll just underline the point keep communicating with your girl and keep your relationship strong.
     
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  5. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    I can relate. Kind of. It was an open secret that GF's best friend had feelings for her but nothing came out of it. I knew she hated me when she found out about GF and I. They even had a brief falling out (but they're ok now.)

    I felt the same way you did when they hang out so GF and I talked about it like adults and we set some boundaries. The BFF, even if we don't get along great, I admit is a very good friend to her and knows her limits. And I think that is the difference with you. That "friend" doesn't know her boundaries. So be aware but really, best you can do is trust your gf and work on what you need to work on (like everybody said.) Also, if something makes you uncomfortable, it's ok to talk to your gf about it. Just don't let your emotions get the best of you when you talk.
     
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  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Relationships are never static -- there are things which may, from time to time, make you uncomfortable. But really, this isn't your call. I don't believe in telling someone who she can and can't hang out with -- stuff like that tends to border on controlling and well often leads to resentment later on down the road.

    So..that said. You should acknowledge that you're uncomfortable with this person, but you should also TRUST your GF. The one thing it seems from your post is that she's always been honest with you. She told the girl she wasn't interested. They didn't even date until during your break up (and it wasn't a given that you'd get back together). You have to have faith that your GF will make the right choices. If my girl told me that she was uncomfortable with someone in our lives, I'd be asking: why? And then I'd be very conscious about it. Personally, I'd never put myself in a situation to make the girlfriend uncomfortable, but even if I had to (and there have been occasions where I've had to interact with colleagues, etc. she doesn't particularly care for), I would go out of my way to be reassuring and completely transparent about the whole thing. If you trust your GF this shouldn't be an issue. If you don't trust her, well, maybe you need to reexamine your relationship as a whole (considering why you broke up in the first place) to determine if this is the right relationship for you.
     
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  7. JEM

    JEM New Member

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    Thank you! This definitely put a positive spin on my heat-of-the-moment rant. :D
     
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  8. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    You say your girlfriend's best friend is straight, so why are you so jealous of her? If she's straight, she's just into your girlfriend like a friend friend, not like a girlfriend. You say they went on a date. Who called it that? You or your girlfriend? Because if you ask the straight friend, I bet she just calls it hanging out like she probably does with her other friends who are girls.

    You seemed to have very low self esteem. Otherwise, you wouldn't be so jealous of your girlfriend's straight friend. Maybe you want a close friend of your own, but you can't own your girlfriend. You can't expect her to not have any close friends because you don't.

    Have you told your girlfriend how you feel? Maybe she told you she and her friend went on a date to make you jealous. If so, then maybe she's not as into you as she should be. Not that she's into her straight friend, but someone who really cares about you would reassure you of her love and faithfulness, not try to make you feel you're second best to her friend.

    Is the reason the two of you split for a time because of your jealousy? Maybe it's too much for your girlfriend. She probably gets tired of always needing to reassure you her straight friend is not in competition with you. It's hard to tell, but you need to stop thinking a straight woman wants another woman they same way you do. She doesn't.
     
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  9. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    Everyone here has given you great advice, and you seem to have a better perspective on the situation. However, I wanted to offer a different point of view as someone who has been in the middle, although under some different circumstances.

    If there is a history of friendship between your gf and her friend, it might be difficult for her, too. She might see why you can get upset when she makes plans with her friend, and at the same time she might have a hard time rejecting her friend. Sometimes, it is not as simple as telling to a friend "my gf has priority on everything" and you also don't want her to say "my gf doesn't want me to hang out with you". We all have heard bad things about our dear friends and we quietly ignore those comments because we think we know them better and we see mostly the good parts in them. So, my point is, it can be tricky for your gf to dismiss her friend and this does not mean she doesn't care about you.

    On the other hand, the friend is not the best person and you have reservations about her as a person. It is understandable, she seems to be confused about who she is. This is tricky for you because if your gf is somewhat like me, the more you tell me she is bad the more difficult it is for me to listen to you. I know I am terrible, but I tend to be protective of my friends and I don't like hearing some stuff about them, specially if I feel they are going through a hard time.

    Your time might be better spent on working things with your gf, on getting your communication stronger and your relationship better. My gf told me why she was uncomfortable about regarding my friend, she told me what I was doing that upset her. For my gf it was important to be able to share her feelings even if it was up to her to deal with them. I tried to be better at respecting my time and my relationship with her. I know how to deal with my friend but I need my gf to help me get better at handling our relationship (I hope this makes sense)

    I guess my advice is to actually talk to your partner. Tell her that she is your best friend too and you need to be able to talk to her. Let her know what you find upsetting and help her find a way to make it better. When you find a system to handle situations like this, your relationship benefits.

    Good luck and sorry for the babbling.
     
    #9
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