harmless crush

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by FarieyNurse, Sep 9, 2015.

  1. FarieyNurse

    FarieyNurse Member

    Nov 12, 2013
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    hey all :)..
    Be warned this is a long post. LOL:cool:
    First of all, I have no idea where I should be posting this, but I just want to share my thoughts and feels in here and if there is any advice,comments or violent reaction feel free to tell me :)

    I know that there is no chance between me and my girl crush because shes had a boyfriend of 8 years and its a long-distance affair. She was a co-worker of mine. I wasn't attracted to her back then, my feelings were just "looking forward in working with her for the next 6months so lets just have fun". But then, one day after work, she invited me and another co-worker to her house where we met her mother and sister who prepared lunch for us. We slept in her room which is nice.I remember that time where we were talking outside their balcony while rain is pouring and its cold. I was sitting crossed-legged seeping my green tea with a view of her small beautiful garden, I remember thinking its a good moment to fall in love.
    Suddenly, I cannot help but noticed small details about her, like how attentive she was, warm and overally awesome.I wouldn't find her pretty in a typical day,her eyes though, very expressive. Shes flawless and slim. When I come back home, I cant stop THINKING about her. And I was like, 'oh oh' not a good sign.

    From that night on, I have decided that I must get to know and be close to her for the satisfaction of my curiosity.
    It took me not too long to get close to her, cause my strategies in getting girls attention is to simply make them laugh, know their interest,tease them a lot, and make them laugh some more.Chicken feeds. LoL. So I knew shes into gardening, an anime addict, coffee lover, she has a very good work ethic, she likes art. When I mentioned one time if she likes to travel her face lits up. Shes wanderlust just as I am. haha! From then, we would go to massage spa together, watched attack of the titan, ate at fast foods.Also, she introduced me one time to her group of high school friends and they seems to enjoy my company.( I was just trying to impressed her and her friends :) She also mentions that though she loved her boyfriend but still dont want to settle down cause she still wants to travel the world. She has fears in getting pregnant.

    To make my long story short, I always have the feeling that I have to make her laugh or smile.I want to challenge and invigorate her. I want her to experience the feeling of getting drunk (I know, my bad!) I want to show her things, like to attend a band concert, be my jogging/zumba partner, I want her to take her to Japan or Cambodia, I'd would very much like to make her dinner.Do weird/odd things with her. Go on a road trip together. Watch art-films with her,I want to probe her mind and figure her deepest thoughts,fears and hopes.Do little things for her. We talk a-lot about friendship and about traveling. I feel that in some ways, Im influencing her. What I like about her these days is that shes very attentive to me.She makes me feel giddy and cute, shes makes me feel loved.Shes saying how she loves me jokingly, she would laugh at my jokes,she tried drinking green tea one day and bought honey, she even watched and enjoyed a korean drama and romantics movies with me*,(tho,she used to mention shes not into it alot.) This afternoon, I died when she mention something about japenese ramen, miso soup that I love.

    I know, I am overeacting but what a smitten girl can do? :/ feeling GIDDY
    I've been checking her out every now and then,afraid she might catch me glancing her although she seems oblivious to me and my growing infatuation. I've been acting passively these past few days but then I realized that we only lived once and I rarely get attracted so what the hell.Tomorrow I'b be more flirty and teasy haha!Although Im only settling for a harmless crush, I will embrace my feelings, its not like we would be staying forever, we still have another 3months to spend time with.
    To the boyfriend, according to her he sounds like an overall nice guy and its a bit petty to feel envious,I want her to be happy most of all, but I keep hoping that there's something he cant offer to her,that there is something about him shes fed up with, or that she just need a changed.It probably feels impossible.

    I have decided to kept my feelings to myself and just enjoy every minute with her.
    And possibly deal the broken heart later.
    I will be nice to her,joked on her,cherish her attention to me,
    and be contented look for her in afar with no expectation.

    I guess that would be all and thank you all for reading :D:p
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2015
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Honestly, I find your post a little creepy. It is like you want her so bad that you are trying to be too good to be true, in the hopes that she will fall for you. But you aren't stopping to think about what that really means. You are using your friendship as a way to try and seduce her. And you are using it as a way to try and undermine things with her bf. Yeah, you are doing it all passively, but you are doing it.

    It's like you have gotten so obsessed with 'having her,' that you have forgotten why you want her in the first place. Namely, to have an honest and caring relationship. It's not honest if you have hella ulterior motives. And it's not caring if you are trying to break up her existing relationship.

    Lots of people have unrequited crushes. What concerns me is the amount of effort, premeditated and calculation you are putting into pursuing yours (making her laugh, getting to know her interests, being a confidant about her bf).

    Personally? I think that you should back off. Go find a girl who is gay and available. Then spend this kind of time and effort forming an actual relationship with them. Like - a mutual, healthy, both people want it relationship. Instead of putting this much effort into manipulating someone unavailable so that they will want you.
    Ferdy and sela9 like this.
  3. FarieyNurse

    FarieyNurse Member

    Nov 12, 2013
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    hi Bluenote :)


    I just want to make myself clear that I am not obsess with her. I dont used our friendship to seduced her to like me. I feel that that she genuinely liked me already as a friend and that's good enough for me.I just put a lot of effort in it (like making her laugh, etc) because its what I want to do, its not because to manipulate her. Like I said, we only lived once and I rarely get attracted to people, so I just do what I want to do to get it out in my system be get over with it:)

    Honestly those post about things that I want to do together, its all just in my head. I understand if you find my post creepy. My feelings is too vivid and detailed but aren't we all? especially when we like someone?
    I forgot to mention genuinely I consider her to be really good friend, I admire and truly respect her. I can say that we have honest and real friendship. That why I am doing this sort of stuff ( making her laugh, whats wrong with making your friend/crush laugh? you know. Could be mean that shes is extra special)
    I have no expectation or whatsoever. Thats why I keep in my mind that I just have to enjoy every moments with her.

    Also, I dont have an ulterior motive for them to break-up. Its just one of those feeling, like, if you have a BFF and then one day she got herself a boyfriend and shes dont have time with you anymore. That sort of feeling. Im happy for her but at the same time jealous. There is ambivalence.

    Anyway, thanks for the comments bluenote, I keep on my mind everything you said. :)
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Except that is not what you said in your first post

    So you admit that before you were interested in her, you didn't put a lot of effort into your friendship. It's not as though she was your bff and then you fell for her.

    And you admit that after you had a crush on her, you thought out a strategy to get close to her. Even comparing it to training an animal "chicken feeds." Which is a lot different from what you are trying to say now "oh, I am just nice to her because I want to be, not as part of a strategy to get to her."

    A lot of how you describe being with her is similarly condescending. Like she is an inexperienced little thing that you want / need to mentor and coach. Not as though you see her as an equal "I want to travel with her to Japan," "I want to share things with her like a band concert..."

    And you admit that you hope things don't work out with her and her bf of 8! years. This isn't "ambivalence" - you plainly say that you want her and the bf to break up.

    8 years is a long time to invest in a relationship. Even if they were to break up, it would be very painful and difficult. You don't break up from a relationship like that without a lot of hurt and anger and sadness. Wishing that on someone is not "ambivalence" it is "selfish" and "mean."

    You admit trying to keep your attraction to her hidden, to using your friendship as a way to check her out and to being afraid that she will catch you. If everything is so up and up with your friendship, then why are you doing things secretively and why are you afraid of being caught?

    And you admit to planning out how you acting passively and are are going to reel her in. "Ahhh. Tomorrow I will up the teasing!!" Trying to reel in a friend who is in a ltr is pretty much the definition of "ulterior motive."

    Further, you try to use your emotions to justify all of this. "I am smitten, I rarely get attracted, etc..." OK, fine, you rarely get attracted. But does that really give you the right to make calculated efforts to get really close to someone, to secretly hope that they break up with their nice bf of 8 years? Why are all of your justifications about you - with no reflection of what this might mean for her.

    Why are you scared that she might catch you checking her out?
    Why do you plan ahead how you are going to behave around her "tomorrow I will tease and flirt!" Instead of just behaving spontaneously in the moment?
    Why do you describe want to make her like you "chicken feeds," instead of letting things happen naturally?

    When we like people we can feel very vivdly about them. That doesn't mean that we put those feelings into actions - trying to get close to them, calculating when and how to tease them, etc... It is when you cross the line from crush into lots of calculated action that this got creepy for me.

    How would you feel if you had a lt girlfriend and discovered that one of your friends had been secretly getting close to you, hoping you and the gf would break up, trying to get you to like them, trying to impress all your other friends?Wouldn't that feel weird and creepy to you? Wouldn't you be angry that someone hoped your ltr would fail?

    Honestly? Your second post is so different from your first, that it just gave me further creepy vibes. I mean, your thoughts / actions are all there in black and white, yet now you are trying to sell it as a totally different story.

    Post one:

    Post two:

    What I am trying to do is to get you to quit thinking just about yourself and to put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if you were her?
    • How would you feel if you knew that someone was hoping you would break up with your 8 year lt gf? If they didn't stop to think about the pain and loss that that would be for you?
    • How would you feel if they described getting to know you as leaving out "chicken feeds?"
    • How would you feel if you knew that they were sitting there pretending to just be a friend, but secretly checking you out?
    • How would you feel if they were planning to tease and flirt with you - while you had a nice lt gf?
    • How would you feel if they wanted to get you drunk?
    I know that if I found that out, I would be really, really upset and angry. I would feel like my whole friendship had been really fake. I would feel like I didn't know who my "friend" really was. I definitely wouldn't trust them anymore and I would want to keep my distance from them.

    Quit trying to twist your words around to justify your feelings of attraction to her. And think about her - y'know, this girl that you supposedly like so much - and what it would be like to be in her shoes.
  5. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

    Feb 19, 2015
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    You are okay with dealing with the possible heart break when that comes...but I think you should quit whats going on right now and get out before it gets even harder. It's not that easy to just deal with a heart break...you'll regret all the time you wasted, and you'll wish you invested in someone that can actually give you a relationship.
  6. Toni

    Toni Well-Known Member

    Jul 3, 2013
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    The first words that popped into my mind when reading your posts were: Indenial and calculated.
    Perhaps you were trying to come off as a little romantic, then cool and funny and you just happen to pick poorly chosen words to describe your thoughts and feelings - which seems kinda all over the place to me.

    I have to say the part where you write:

    "I have decided that I must get to know and be close to her for the satisfaction of my curiosity.
    It took me not too long to get close to her, cause my strategies in getting girls attention is to simply make them laugh, know their interest,tease them a lot, and make them laugh some more.Chicken feeds. LoL."

    It just sounds so cold and rather condescending.

    I mean sure, most of us has probably had crushes on people we shouldn't have feelings for at some point, and sure it feels good when the person in mind laughs at your jokes, smiles at you, hugs you etc. But when it is someone that is seriously involved with someone regardless of what kind of situation their relationship is - you don't actively try to play the person like a puppet on strings.

    This whole thing makes me wonder "Who broke your heart?" or "has she ever truly been inlove"?

    Do some soulsearching it would do you good and please be honest with yourself.
    The "put yourself in her situation" way of thinking like Bluenote mentioned is a good way to start.

    Remember in a relationship it's not all about paying attention, making someone laugh at your jokes, do everything to keep someone smiling and make them happy. Like with friends love should be honest, respectful and balanced - meaning give and take - not means to an end.
    Bluenote and sela9 like this.

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