hard times

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Satine, Dec 15, 2015.

  1. Satine

    Satine Member

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    i dont really know when to start, and what to say. I have just lost. And tired and sick of.. life. Im sure someone have been there too. Im sure lots of ppl are in hardest situations then me. and i feel awful to complain. u know, when u see the movie about real poverty (like 'HUMAN' documentary movie) and see the pain in the eyes of ppl.. and u kinda have to feel not that bad as u think u are, cuz there are worst. Anyway i cant. I feel REALLY sorry for that peeps, but it doesnt make me feel better. I am a bad person i think. Selfish maybe. If u see me around - it seems like i m totally ok. I am not an addict to somth, i have a degree in architecture, i look fine(not great or ugly just FINE, like others) i kinda have the place to live. 2 arms and 2 legs, a girlfriend who i love. What else do i need? but u see.. im totally depressed. And i feel depressing all my life. (that is an explanation - my parents who broke up when i was 13. i hate them for leave me all by myself). But what is worse - that bad feelings inside me returns to kill me physically. I started being sick all the time.. one or another.. The last one there was a problems with my stomach, i felt pain all the time, couldnt work, quite my job(i never liked it anyway) and it was going on for 6 months. Then I stopped taking pills and took all my money and gone for a little trip in another country(its near). Then i felt better! i could eat again the normal food and the pain just gone.. miracle. But all the time there was some tough times, unhealthy relationships, brake ups, pressing from my mom (i d better call her 'the woman i came out from' i heard that words from one stupid tv series). And my body coudnt bear it anymore.. So i got sick again. Now its my back. Im googling how it sounds in english - well my disease is 'herniated disc on one's back'. I knew that about 5 years ago, but i didnt feel pain like ALL the time. And now it is. ALL the freaking time! 1,5 year just gone while i tried to fix it.. nothing helps. i quite my second job. I spend all the money on doctors and clinics - nothing helps! Its killing me. Everyday i go to bed and i cry like for hours.. i fall in really deep depression. the only person who r holding me up - is my girlfriend. but she has a tough time too, and totally cant help me more as she does. Anyway without her i coudnt make it at all. And now i dont know what to do. I tried so many doctors.. meds.. etc. but that pain doesnt go away. I bearly can walk. I cant seat. I tried lie in bed with my laptop and it isnt comfortable. And mostly i lie on the floor and do some exercises for my back.. it doesnt work but i do.

    I dont know what the problem is. Is it on my mind or my back really had broke down so badly and im half desable person? The other bad stuff is - i cant make my mind clear to work even in bed. Cuz i feel PAIN every minute i cant focus in what i do. Im a designer and its a creative profession it requires to use imagination, thinking.. HOW?? how can i use it when i feel terrible pain? non of painkillers (drugs) doesnt take it off! I am unemployed now. I m trying to work as a freelancer and i have time to time work. not much, i bearly could get some food and nothing else. Hopefully from my past life where i worked i got all stuff i need like laptop, phone, some clothes. I live with mother and the doesnt care of me like AT ALL. she just demands the money as a landlord for me living in HER place. That kills me. That she thinks that appartment she won in divorce process is totally HERs. And unfortunately in our country the law divided apartment only between mom and dad. And i become kinda homeless on papers. And she threating me all the time that she can kick me out! Nomatter what problems i had - i always pay her the price she want. but i hate her so much. and it hate kills me. and maybe killed my back... I really wanna see the therapist . but here in this homophobic country i m not really wanna do this.. cuz u know u starts with ur sick problems and doctor drive u to some dads issues in the childhood and tried to convince u are gay because of ur dad left the family.. hate it! cuz i have heard this ones and it has nothing to do with my sexuality. And thats why i dont wanna see the therapist here. Lots of them are super old-fashion (they grew up in USSR and in my opinion they all are sick . i cant express what i mean in english.. but if u ever heard about USSR living standards u know what i mean. They didnt respect the individuality of ppl. U are bad if u are not like others and thinks different.). And the second reasons - its of cuz the mpney. Therapists is very expensive.

    I dont know what i am talking about and what i wanna hear in response... im sorry for that mess i wrote. I have no friends now. I had.. but i ve cut them off. Cuz they are happy they have families who cares of them, and they have NO idea what i am going throw. Maybe i just got jealous.. cus i havent the good life as they do.

    well.. here i am. like self distract. And sorry for my terrible english, i know its painful to read.
     
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  2. Dizzure

    Dizzure Member

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    I am sorry that you have to go through what you are going through. I am a nurse and there's nothing worse than chronic pain. Herniated disc is very painful and I can only imagine what you have to deal with. If I were you, I would address urgent issues like pain first before seeking psychotherapy. Chronic pain can also lead you into a depressive mode so your depression may not only stem from your childhood issues. You are lucky you have your girlfriend by your side. Don't take her for granted. Good luck.
     
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  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Satine, I think you are facing your problems bravely and trying to find every solution to cope. I don't know if anything else is causing you pain other than the herniated disc. But if you can get away from anything or anyone stressful I hope it would help some. I am not sure if you and your gf live with your mom? That sounds pretty stressful and I am sure it is out of financial need. Perhaps if you can plan with her to get out of that and somehow maybe just making that plan will give you hope. Will be thinking of you, so sorry things are so bad for you right now. Your English is fine and feel free to talk more.
     
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  4. Satine

    Satine Member

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    thanks you both for response.it really helps to read the texts and understand that im not crazy yet.. and i have all rights to be depressed (i think) .my mom is a homophob . no she isnt throw eggs on us but she also isnt so excited about i am being gay and my GF come to me all the time.. But what bothers me a lot - is she dont approve my GF live with me here. And i need her so much around me. to help me to live.. Mom mom not just helps me, she makes thing a lot harder for me. in some ways she can , she do pretty stupid bad things to make me feel guilty that i am unemployed like she is. and she pretends like i am totally healthy and not sick at all.. when i was feeling really bad last year i couldnt even stand up i lied at the floor and cried and hoped she will call an embulance. she just said "ohh really? ur back is hearts? whatever - everyone feels the same not a big deal! what about ur work tommorow how do u think u will get there???" thats just all what she was worried about. anyway, she is really dont care of me she cares only of herself . i cant use a lot of stuff in the kitchen cuz she fills everything with hers stuff. i have no furniture in my room just the bad - that s all i could afford for now. but she has 2 rooms and the kitchen. And yes my gf dying to live with me and asked me to move in with her for a thousand times but i just cant. She has so low salary and so much to pay the rent. and i just dont leave anywhere cuz i wont be able to pay. and dont wanna her to pay all of that.. oh its so complicated. And also is another one thing why i cant move out from moms place. She told me she can do whatever she wants with the apartment and i m afraid if i am gone i will never have a place to live.. i am really afraid of it. here i have no rights as an owner but i can legally live in the apartment and if i live she can cut me off forever. I wanna to ask u , how it works in ur countries? USA, UK etc.. How ppl live the hole life by renting the place to live? what they are doing in bad times when they change the work and being unemployed for a while? maybe government gives some support or how it really works? cuz here in ukraine-shitty-place there is no support at all. Price of medicine is so high and the salary is so LOW. and i m living for 26 years and i still dont get it - how ppl here can bought their own appartment? i did some math and its like u need to keep 50 backs a month and it took 40-50 years to be able to BUY the place. SOME minimal place! it s scares me a lot... (Average salary is about $150-200.) Everyone who i know inherited their place to live from their parents or grandparents. I just dont get it.. how to live! how to live this life.
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Parental support is definitely a big help in someone's life no matter where you are. I am sorry about your mom and I want to say that with a lot of bad parents out there who really don't know how to reach their children, most of the time it is out of some twisted way of showing love and concern. Sometimes the child has to be the parent. You can start training her by just being a polite stranger, it takes time. Thank her for every little small thing even on things that she is supposed to do for you. You may not win her over but your behavior with her and the tone, at least on your part of relationship is under your control. So many things is out of your control at the moment, you may as well be in charge of your relationship with the one person you are stuck with and take the high road.
     
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  6. Lauren_1989

    Lauren_1989 Active Member

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    I can't give you any advice, I can see that the above posters have given you very good advice already but I just want to say that you don't have to feel guilty about how you feel. Depression can strike anyone, no matter how lucky or unlucky they are, it doesn't matter. I take my hat off to you for waking up in the morning and facing the day, despite your depression and the physical pain you are in.
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I thought a bit more about what you said, and if I may paraphase, that you didn't want to move in with your gf because she has very little and you don't want to be a burden. I then remembered that a friend of mine was living in a one bedroom apartment when she took in her own sister and two kids because they were being abused. My friend could barely take care of herself with what she earned at the time and yet they made do. That changed things for the whole family and everyone is doing well now. If they had stayed the result could be very different even though they would have been taken care of financially.

    If my gf were in your situation, no doubt about it she would be living with me. I probably would have to convince her by asking thousands of times but it would have been worth it even if I had to live on cabbage and water. Just something to think about.
     
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  8. ThenAndNow

    ThenAndNow Member

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    I know how it feels like, it can be debilitating - physically and mentally. You need to see a Physiotherapist, who can give you exercises that will help you ease the pain. Mild and careful stretching, massage and being in a good relationship, all of this helps. In my case, Herbal medicine / Ayurveda helped me finally. I have heard Acupuncture also helps.

    If I were you I would focus strongly on the following:


    • FIND A PERMANENT JOB. First try and be successful in your country, then you know you can be successful anywhere else.
    • FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Instead of focusing on living in your mother's house, you should focus and work towards renting a house and moving out. What belong's to your mother, let it belong to her. You have to build your life from the scratch. You be the designer of your life. And, thank God for sending your girlfriend, for she is supporting you through all this. Keep that love and draw some inspiration from it.
    • Try and REDUCE STRESS by not thinking about what you don't have, instead focus on what you HAVE in your life and that will help you heal your body.
    • BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Do not let frustration and depression control your mind. These two can weaken your body and can be another reason of pain you are experiencing. Again, your girlfriend can be of much help here. Remember, love can transform you, make you a better person if you got lucky in finding that person who wants to stick with you through all this.
    • Work out a good relationship with your landlord/mother like Greylin mentioned in her post. Cook something for the mother or buy her little surprises that she will like without expecting anything in return. Just do it and you will feel better.
    • IT TAKES TIME. Take everything one step at a time. I feel like you are thinking way too much, some into the past and then way into the future. This will weaken our mind and once that happen body will give up. The pain you are experience mostly is triggered by your mind.
    • LOVE A LOT. Spend romantic time with your love. Nothing is more rejuvenating and healing than this.
    May God help you with your pain.
     
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  9. Satine

    Satine Member

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    I haven't been here for a while.. and haven't seen these beautiful words.. and advices. thank u a lot for beeing patient to my long story. I will keep ur words in mind. And obviously i gonna read it a few more times, i hope it will helps me to see the problem in some different angle.

    Greylin, its good to see some happy endings like in the situation with ur friend.

    but so far i haven't done much. I tried some new circles of hell , I mean another doctors and medicine.. it just doesnt work. I feel like not only my mother who is abusing me but my own body is abusing me.
    I definitely need a therapy with psychologist.. I have even been thinking about suicide, but no im not gonna do this, i was just wondered if it would have been helpful.. no existence - no pain.
    I have cut out all my friends . exept one , and my gf. Yeah, luckily she's still with me. I can't even imagine how hard is to bear me.

    I am really appreciate u for listening..
     
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  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I am guessing she feels very powerless over your suffering. So, I hope you don't second guess and verbalize whether she should be with you. If you are at peace with her unyielding love, so will she be and she will gain power from it. I hope you can find joy in your relationship with her even with all this that you are going through.
     
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