Great First Date, Then . . .

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Liz, Jul 3, 2013.

  1. Liz

    Liz Well-Known Member

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    Great 1st date, now I don't know what's going on . . . need advice. Here's my story:

    Met a woman online, we had a lot in common (university, studies, interests). We met for dinner in the city, I offered to pay & she let me. She invited me to her nearby apartment, we sat on her terrace & talked, all nice. I said I would like to see her again, she said that would be great & she wanted to come out & see my place in the 'burbs. She walked me down to the street, initiated a hug & kissed me on the cheek -- great, right?

    I text her with a joke, she replies quickly. A couple of days later I text her and say let's get together, she says I'll text you about the weekend . . . then I don't hear from her until weekend! She wrote to me this past weekend -- apologizes, says she got really busy (she has a small child & a demanding job), she'll text me with a date for this week. I still haven't heard from her. I called her Mon night & left a message saying I'd like to get together, trying to plan my 4th of July long weekend.

    Is she blowing me off or is she really busy??
    If she's blowing me off, why was she so nice & receptive on the date? Does she just like the attention?
    If she's really busy, does she not care at all about being polite and letting me know when we'll get together??
     
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  2. Cazza

    Cazza Active Member

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    I think it's too early to gauge whether she is giving you the cold shoulder or not. She may well be too busy at this time to get back to you. If you like her and the chemistry was there during your date, I'd be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt. You've done what you can do in initiated contact with her. I'd wait a little longer to see if she gets back to you, the ball is in her court so to speak.

    I hope this helps!
     
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  3. Ladyninja13

    Ladyninja13 Active Member

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    Def seems like she's just busy. Especially with a little one, and it is the summer time. I know being patient and giving people time is frustrating, but sometimes we have to.
     
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  4. Liz

    Liz Well-Known Member

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    I hear you, but if she really likes me, wouldn't she send a note and say,"hey, I'm busy, sorry I haven't written, I'll be more free after next week" or whenever. At some point, shouldn't she be concerned about 'losing' me, so to speak?
    It take 20 seconds to write a note!
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    With the holiday coming up and probably having to deal with a lot of demands from family, friends and oh yes, the little one, she might be too drained to reach out to a new person in her life. You can show your supportive side by wishing her a good fourth and let her know to text you anytime she wants to get away a bit and relax and leave it at that. I don't know how single moms do it, I find taking care of a pet rock demanding.
     
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  6. Liz

    Liz Well-Known Member

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    I posted this on another site because the forums weren't working on AE until yesterday. The responses here are always the best. But the people on the other site thought overwhelmingly that my date is either 1) not interested, 2) stringing me along, or 3) seeing someone else.

    I do want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but as I said, I text takes 20 seconds!
     
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  7. D

    D Member

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    I was thinking that I just read this in r/actual lesbians. I have to say that I prefer their advice to anything on AE, but to each their own. There is no real way to tell what is going on because she isn't responding to you. She did apologize once, say she was going to text you but then didn't. I'd say it looks good that she texted you but then she didn't respond. If I was really interested in someone I would take the time to text them and let them know what's going on because like you said it only takes a few seconds. Just my 2 cents. I would not text or call for awhile since you have been doing all the leg work. Wait for a response or you could start to fall into the pushy/clingy category and with a busy schedule and child she may find that to be more of a turn off than anything.
     
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  8. Liz

    Liz Well-Known Member

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    What is r/actual lesbians? That was not I . . . I don't know what the site is.
     
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  9. D

    D Member

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    reddit
     
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  10. Marie-Claire

    Marie-Claire Member

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    Hola :?
    Attraction is something that grows. :)
    You went on a single date with that girl. She barely knows you. Of course, it's quite possible that she does not like you at this moment or that she does not make you one of her priorities yet. She could also be very busy or dealing with some personal stuff.
    It does not mean that she doesn't or won't find interest in you.
     
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  11. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    I'd probably not text or call again if she really is busy and you don't want to be seen as being demanding. If she doesn't text back after a few months then you can call but if nothing happens just let it go.
     
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  12. AussieGirl2

    AussieGirl2 Active Member

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    I agree with some of the other posters that she may be busy... however..at the same time i tend to think if you like a person you'll make time, especially since it takes what...all of two seconds out of your day to reply
    She could just be a nice person who doesn't like hurting people's feelings so doesn't quite know how to let you down gently... sp is instead saying shell text to organize and call but by dragging it out and stringing u along like that is technically just making it worse.( hate to sound cliched but sometimes it really is cruel to be kind)

    Also I have to say I don't really agree with the person who wrote if they don't text back "after a few months call her"
    To be honest why would you bother? After a few months of no replies that's a clear indicator they're not interested!! ( Someone seriously needs to write a "SHES just not that into you" book :p )
    Sorry for the bluntness..
     
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  13. Liz

    Liz Well-Known Member

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    It's been a week since her last text, and unless she picks up the phone and has a really good excuse, I'm done with her.

    When 2 people really fall in love, and there is the excitement, and sexual energy -- it's wonderful!!! Everyone wants that. To get there, at least one of the people has to be a little crazy at the beginning. I think we should be telling people to be a little more polite when someone likes them. If you're not interested, let the other person know quickly and let them down easily.

    After the 1st date, and with her other texts, she led me to believe she wanted to go out again. She could have dropped it after the 1st date, that would be ok. I think she's a jerk who probably just wants attention and wants to feel that someone 'wants' her.

    I have straight friends, male & female, who talk about bad behavior from online and casual dates all the time. The women complain about men who string them along, probably because they're not interested but think they may get sex out of it. The men complain about women who string them along and take free dinners but aren't really interested in dating. I think we have to stop saying this is ok and "to be expected" and call the mis-behaviors out.
     
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  14. Liz

    Liz Well-Known Member

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    So she finally called back, as if she hadn't blown me off. Didn't really even say 'sorry,' just that she was busy with her legal settlement with her Ex.
    What should I do?
     
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  15. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Time lapses happen when your life is crazy. She might be that rude that she knows she has not called in a timely manner and didn't bother to apologize or she really can't be counted on to keep you in the 1st, 2nd or 3rd tier of her thoughts. Either way, it might be too much trouble for you to pursue this. If she is compelling enough of a connection and you want to give it another go, I would bring up how you would like to be treated as far as her responsiveness. I would say to her, "I like you and loved our first date, but I have a hard time looking forward to something and stop, looking forward to something and stop. That was what happened when we were planning our second date. I understand that you were busy but I would have liked to receive a short text nonetheless."
     
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  16. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    If she was dealing with issues re her ex, that can be a pretty heavy load. Perhaps she thought of you and/or wanted to call you, but didn't feel in that happy, chirpy first date kinda mood. You know what I mean? Like, perhaps for her, you are something good and positive and in her future, and she didn't want to drag her bad mood from past shit into her interactions with you, so left it until shit was sorted a bit.

    Yea, it wasn't great that she didn't text, but she might not have known what to say or mightn't have wanted to get into an explaination. Like would 'I can't spend time with you at the moment cause I'm dealing with stuff' been any better? You'd have been like 'What stuff?' or 'Can I help?' etc and maybe she didn't want to get into it. The best advice I can give you is give her another go...if she f**ks up again and is all hot 'n cold, then maybe you can decide if that kinda buzz is for you, but for now. I'd say give her a second chance. Also Greylin is on the money with her suggestion that you gently let her know that you would like a text or whatever if she is going to be unavailable for whatever reason. Perhaps her life is too full to be able to give you what you want, but you won't know till you ask.
    Good luck.
     
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  17. Liz

    Liz Well-Known Member

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    More frustration . . .

    I ended up going to her house for our 2d date. The evening was pleasant, we talked a lot, she was very open. She said that her Ex had left her over a year ago, and that she had been very broken up about it.

    As I live outside the city, I took her up on her offer to stay over. She gave me 2 options where to sleep: the couch, or in her bed. So I said, "where would you like me to sleep?" and she said her bed would be easier. Her toddler was in the room in a crib, so I knew nothing would happen. We had a nice 'goodnight kiss,' she kissed me hard twice on the mouth, but then rolled over. No chatting or hand-holding.

    The next morning, it turned out her Ex was coming over with the older child, and she wanted me out before the child came. She hadn't told me this the night before. So I was rushed out of the house. Over the next week, she texted, but never called. It has been 3 weeks since that date, and she has only texted me, no calls.

    Am I being used here? I feel that she's not ready for a relationship, and is using me so when her friends ask, she can say, 'Yes, I'm over my Ex, I'm dating Liz.' On paper at least, I look good -- educated, professional, thin, well-dressed.

    It's so hard to find smart, professional, educated women, and add-in the fact that I'm not attracted to women who look too butch. So this woman checks a lot of my boxes. If she is really having a busy time, then I would wait, but I don't want to waste my time if she is just using me. How can I tell???
     
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  18. lilly2

    lilly2 Member

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    I think you are a bit frustrated because you like her a lot, and she fits many of your requisites as 'your type' However, to be honest the feelings don't seem mutual. Not because she doesn't like you as a person, but because as she has been very clear and honest about the residual pain from a previous relationship, I think you may be right by assuming she 'may not be ready for a relationship' as i think she has insinuated. I think she is dealing with many personal issues, she may need time to sort her self out before she can truly figure out how she feels about you. I think she is trying to get over things, and may feel like she needs companionship, but i don't think she is quite ready to see beyond just sharing the present moment. I think its best for you, to just date her casually, be open to her advances, date other people but don't fixate on her, i think you will set your self up for disappointment as well as run the possibility of scaring or frustrating her, since you both may want to move at different paces. She does like you, but i think she has a lot to still figure out.
     
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  19. Liz

    Liz Well-Known Member

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    So I didn't see her after that. It's been almost 2 months. We've had a few texts, but per everyone's advice I haven't chased her. She is still on the online dating site, she's active about once per week.

    I'm thinking about sending her an email next month (Oct). Am I crazy??
     
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  20. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    No, Liz you are not crazy. You are simply bewildered by your interest in her and her lack of interest in you. I would not say that she is using you, you probably check all the boxes for her too or you would not be in the same room with her and her toddler. I don't let just anyone stay overnight at my place with my impressionable pet rock and all. Well, it just sounded like she tried to have a life for herself after a bad breakup and couldn't do it. If she was using you she would actually do a little more to keep things warm. And sadly, if being with you is compelling enough she would have found many ways to get in touch with you no matter how shitty her life is. An off weekend is one thing, but it has been months.

    You have given it enough time and ample understanding for her. Writing a letter is not a bad thing at all. Tell her how you had liked her and when you did get together how it made you feel. Tell her though you don't think you are in her heart, you had enjoyed the dates.
     
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