Give me the strength come out to one of my be...

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by J, Aug 21, 2013.

  1. J

    J Well-Known Member

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    So I've posted about this before, but of course the old forums got deleted (a fact that still boggles my mind ). I would love any sage advice since I've been feeling quite helpless lately. Apologies for the length of the post but I feel like I need to give context to demonstrate why it's so hard for me to do this, even though every fibre of my body wants to.

    Anyway, I met my friend, I'll call her A, a year ago during an internship abroad. It didn't take long for me to fall for her. I've never had this kind of a connection with anyone before in my life. It was the first time that I felt this strongly for someone, and she was the first one to break my heart. Man, she cut me deep. It's weird because I would never expect to have such a strong bond with someone like her, but that's how it is isn't it, that many times people who you hold dear to your heart end up being somebody you would never expect? It's actually quite beautiful how people can surprise you or how you can surprise yourself. The time during this internship was the most emotionally draining and intense time of my life, mainly due to having feeilngs for someone who didn't feel the same way but also due to many other things happening in my life. It was a rollercoaster, so many ups and downs, it was fucking insane. I'm still on that rollercoaster actually.

    A is 'straight'. I say it in quotations because there has always been this weird tension between us. Her behaviour, the things she would say to me. We would look into each other's eyes a moment longer than necessary and I'd be the first one to look away because eye contact has always made me uncomfortable. It's like someone is staring directly into your soul. A is not a touchy person generally speaking, but when she would get affectionate, it felt like something more than friendship. For example if we both had some alcohol in our system, sometimes we would hold hands, and it didn't feel like a playful, friendly way. When she had alcohol in her system, my god, she could get very touchy. The first time we went out together with a few friends, I swear she was coming onto me, flirting with me, touching me. At that time I didn't like her but she piqued my curiosity because a girl had never shown me that kind of attention before. Me and my other friends dont interact in the same way. I guess after that night, she 'snapped out of it', scared herself with how she was acting with me and stopped acting so aggressively flirty. We can sit on the couch not saying anything to each other and it would be comfortable. Although she says that she's 100% straight, she has mentioned on a few occasions her curiosity towards women. It's no secret that she loves men and I know that she will probably never get into a relationship with a woman, but it still drives me crazy to think there's a possibility that she may have some genuine feelings towards me. Many people would make comments on our relationship, jokes (half serious) that we were dating, saying how close we are and that they couldn't imagine one without the other. Sometimes people would ask me, "Where's A?" when I would go out without her.

    Anyway, during all this time. She has seen me breakdown emotionally many times, either really angry, sad or a deadly combination of both lol, and always wondered why this was. Of course this was because 1) I have unrequited feelings for her and seeing her with guys and 2) I am still in the closet. But I always told her that I couldn't tell her why I was so damn upset. I believe that deep down she knows the truth about me but she is too afraid to face the truth. I think the fact that I like her scares her. Our friendship is very important to both of us. In fact, many of my friends that I made there already knew about me. They never said it to me, but I know for a fact that they know. My feelings for A wasn't easy to hide and I rejected every guy that approached me. I would always get weird when the subject of guys was brought up. This was confirmed by my friend who told me some people wondered about my sexuality.

    As I said I am still largely in the closet, only two of my close friends who I met them abroad know. No one at home knows because my friends here are homophobic and my family are too. They're not intensely against homosexuals, yes they make mean comments from time to time, many of them would freak out to know if they knew, but they interact with gay people sometimes and it's fine. When it comes to someone that's close to them however, it's a different ball game. I'm pretty fucking terrfied of telling people at home the truth, although I know that some people will be ok with it.

    After the internship ended, A and I both went back to our respective countries. It's been almost three months since it's ended and we still talk almost every day online, which makes it harder to get over her, but at least there's an ocean between us. The distance makes it easier and harder at the same time. Sometimes we go one or two days without talking, but usually, we talk throughout the whole day and we never run out of things to say to each other. For me it feels weird to not talk to her even for a day.

    I know she's not homophobic, she has gay friends, some of them mutual, but they're all guys. Still, she doesn't have a problem with lesbians or bisexual girls. But I am sure you can see why I am still afraid to tell her. She can deny my feelings for her (internally of course since I never told her about my true feelings), but once I come out to her, it will be that much harder to deny it. I don't want to ruin our friendship or for it to get weird. We spent a lot of time alone together. I want so badly to talk to her about it and get all of these feelings out. Not that I have feelings for her, but just that I am gay. I am going crazy. Sometimes I feel SO alone because I can't be honest about who I am, so I cry in the shower, or before I go to bed or when I'm home alone because no one can see me. It would help to be able to tell one of my best friends about it, but as you can see it's quite complicated. I feel the words on the tip of my tongue. I feel like I'm almost ready, like I'm on the precipice of coming out, but my fear is still holding me back. It's like I need one final push to finally do it.

    If any of you wonderful people have any advice or have gone through something similar, please share. I don't know what I'm doing over here.
     
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