Girlfriend will tell everyone but parents about me..

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Ell, Oct 22, 2016.

  1. Ell

    Ell Member

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    I have been in a relationship with my gf for over 9 months. We have a great relationship and we are both grateful to have found eachother.
    I am 28 and she is 29.
    She is very open about me to her friends and sister and nephew. They all know about me.
    Her parents live interstate and they have no clue that I exist. I left this for a while. I didn't introduce her to my parent until we had been dating for 6 months. However I have a few reasons why this makes me sad (and also angry sometimes- I hate this trait so I need some help!).
    - we are moving overseas together in 4 months.
    - she talks to me about getting engaged, what rings we would have, getting, married, having children, how we would have children, she's so happy she found me. Things like that.

    Here are somethings about her as to why she is hesitant. Her parents are old. Her father is 90 and her mother is 69. They are Catholic and have have not been around "gays". So I understand I will be a heard thing to say but I really think they will be uneducated in the matter and that this will obviously be something that will need to be explained and something that will take time for them to understand. I fully understand this.

    I feel that a. I am moving to another country with her and she has not started the conversation.

    I need some advice on how to be patient as I do not want to push her (as I think it's a tricky thing. Been there done that) but I feel like there are so many important milestones coming up. I also make me feel unloved and not worth it.

    On the weekend her grandmother passed away and she travelled interstate to see her parents (where her grandmother also lived). She was obviously upset and would have loved for me to be there however I couldn't because they do not know who I am. She said to be one night I am going to tell me parents.... However the weekend ended and she came home and nothing was mentioned. This make me sad and angry. Sad that it didn't happens and I can't be there to comfort her in times like that and also angry and she said something and got my hopes up but didn't follow through.

    Need advice. Good or bad I don't mind..

    Ell x
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Well, it's probably wise that she didn't come out right after a death. That's a lot to lay on the family. She may also be hesitant to tell her father, given how old he is.

    I guess it is up to you if you are willing to invest more time and risk into this relationship, or if you want to give her an ultimatum for before you move.

    I would advise you to protect yourself financially, but I don't know enough about your situation to know what that would look like.
     
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  3. Ell

    Ell Member

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    I agree that it is not wise to reveal this to her parents after a death in the family. I wasn't the one who brought it up and I never pushed her. I said if you feel it is right then do it. I guess she rethough it and realised it wasn't a good idea..

    Do I give her an ultimatum?? Would that make her resentful?
     
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  4. mariannek2u

    mariannek2u Well-Known Member

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    I would leave it for a couple days and then talk to her about your future. If she really want to get married have kids etc how she would she the relationship between you and her parents. Is she even planning on telling them? Amd if not are you okay with that. Especially when you are talking about kids in the future someday its good to have this resolved
     
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  5. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I am not out to all of my family.

    My parents, yes; my parents are the progressive black sheep of the family, and it was always safe to be out to them. But my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on my mother's side - nope. Didn't tell them I was queer when it was an open secret in my teens and twenties. Deflected questions about the boyfriends I didn't have. Didn't tell them when I got engaged, and took my engagement ring off when I visited my grandfather. Got married without inviting them; still put my wedding ring on a chain under my shirt for family events, while my wife stays home.

    It makes me really sad, to do this. I hate thinking about what happens if my grandfather is still living when we have kids, whether he will meet them, or whether my wife will be able to come with me to his funeral when he passes (he is 96). But the price is too high - for me (in rudeness and open hostility), for my mother (who will probably be written out of the will if they knew). It's the way this family is, and I hate it, and I made my peace with it.

    All of this to say: not every family is safe. If this woman is talking about moving with you, picking out rings, having children, having a life - well, I'm prepared to bet money that she has done the painful emotional calculation and determined that her family-of-birth is not safe for her, and in some moments is imagining a life and family-of-choice that doesn't necessarily depend on them knowing. You (both) seem to be operating under the assumption that they need to know. I'm saying: maybe not. At least consider that your relationship and its seriousness does not have to be contingent on how her family knows or feels or approves, and that her planning and excitement about you is not belied by her hesitancy to come out to people who will probably want to squash her plans and cast her excitement as delusion or a "phase."

    Her deciding not to come out, to move forward with her life with you - that's an okay choice, and it doesn't have to be permanent. You do not have to put your plans and life and love on hold while she grapples with it, and there is no line on the marriage application asking if your parents are fully aware of your queer status.

    Does this suck? Yes. Does it hurt, to think about a wedding and starting a family without your parents there? You bet. Is it sometimes the safest, kindest option? Yeah, it is. Only she knows whether that's true for her, but when you have this conversation (which you should), I really encourage you to make it okay with you, whatever she decides, so the decision to tell them is about her relationship with them, not her relationship with you.
     
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I don't have an answer about if you should give your gf an ultimatium, or demand that she come out. That is different for everyone. I do think that you should protect yourself financially.

    If you are moving with her, combining finances, becoming finiancially dependent - then it is reasonalbe to want some type of commitment from her. But if this move is not such a big deal - you aren't combining finances, you can move back if you need - then you can let things play out a bit if you want. I don't really know your financial and legal situation, so I really can't give you much advice.
     
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  7. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    When I started dating my gf, she was not out. Even to our mutual friends. She came out eventually, gradually. Until one day, out of the blue, she told her parents about us. Waiting for her to come out was stressful, even painful at times. But I'll do it all over again because she is worth it. Because I'd rather be with her than not, even if it means being in the closet.

    But that's me. I think the question you need to ask yourself - is this too much of a deal breaker for you? I know how stressful this can be but think about how she feels about all these. This is not easy for her, too. I know she'd rather tell the whole world about you but maybe she thinks the fallout will be too much to handle right now. That rather than deal with the fallout, she may find it easier to let you go than to see you hurt by her indecision. The point I'm trying to make is, if you do decide on that ultimatum, make sure it is because you no longer want to be in that situation.

    Maybe she'll eventually come out to her parents. Maybe sooner than you expected, maybe later. But she has to make that decision when she is ready, not because you're twisting her arm.
     
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  8. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Serious question: does "commitment" = her family knowing about the relationship?

    I totally agree that combining finances with someone, you should be pretty sure that they are committed to you. But I also really think that the wisdom/safety of coming out to family really varies, and that it is not a fair measuring stick of commitment. Me telling my mom I'm dating a woman is an awkward moment and a weird 70s-era lesbian joke or two; I've had friends for whom that is being disinherited. My willingness and seriousness at that point are not the same as theirs.

    So maybe the question is: what other ways can the GF show she is committed and ready for the OP's "milestones"? Because maybe being out to her family is not a good, safe, realistic, or fair prerequisite here.
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I can't really define what commitment means to the OP. I really don't know what this move interstate means to her financially, legally, risk wise. So yeah, if she is making a big financial or career sacrifice, she needs some type of protection. But I don't want to assume or speculate any further.
     
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  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi Ell,

    If I were in your situation I would just assume she will never tell her parents. BUT, I would not say that to her, because she may have been boosting up her courage to do this each time she saw her parents and it would be quite demoralizing if you were to tell her that you are giving up on her.

    You are doing something very brave with her which is starting a new life with her overseas. Is this a place she has connections and you do not? Like, she may have family there and you don't and you will be a secret there to some people there? If that is the case, the resentment you feel now would only go exponential every time you tell yourself that you are doing this for her and she is not getting you acknowledged by her parents. I understand how painful it is for you and I am sure it is very painful for her too. If you really want to stay with her, I would suggest that you see this as a burden for both of you. And if you can drop your expectation on this, you can let her know that you want to switch from a demanding position to a supporting position. If and when she decides to come out to anyone, including her parents, you will be supporting her. That you will no longer ask her about a timeline. She is in a time of grief now and if I were in her situation I would get a little upset that coming out is something I would have to think about at this time. I would feel pressured enough to have a little resentment of my own. I understand that she was the one who said she would do it but didn't. But I hope you can see things from her end too.

    Your desire to be acknowledged fully by her parents is valid, the thing is that you need to figure out if this is a deal breaker. Also, I wonder if you are that enthusiastic about the move to another country.
     
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  11. mariannek2u

    mariannek2u Well-Known Member

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    @Ell Where are you moving to?
     
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  12. Estra

    Estra Member

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    I do believe it is her choice and she is probably enouh stressed about it, there is no hurry, it's not like she has hidden you from the rest of her siblings and friends. In all honesty my ex had hidden her sexualité until she was 25 and met me, it took her 8 months to tell her parents and she did because there was a family reunion and she wanted me to do the travel there with her and present me the right way. If it wasn't from that event, she wouldn't have find the courage to do so that fast. It all depends... and she came out to the rest of the family way later. But she was really lucky her family was really ok with it instantly. Boy, on my side, I knew my family was more traditional and I had to come outo because we were long distance and instead of staying at my brothers I stayed with her. No choice. Well my mom and bro didn't talk to me for months, I was away from my country,and didn't know anyone but my ex. Hard times, I can tell you that. Give her time, focus on the 2 of you because at the end that is what matters. You're not building a life with her parents but her. Also, realise, i was feeling the same, it is a constant weight for her I'm sure, and she might feel better when she opens up, if she decide to ever do it. But she is the one to know her parents and could feel if yes or no, they would accept it. I knew my mom would have an issue with it but I also knew with time, she would love me no matter what.
    Good luck to both of you
     
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  13. Ell

    Ell Member

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    Hi @mariannek2u !

    She has said she will tell them. I guess I just don't know when or if she even will.
    I will not end the relationship because of it but it is wearing me down and I do not want to feel worse.

    We are moving from Australia to London.
     
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  14. Ell

    Ell Member

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    Thank you for taking the time to respond to me @lorienczhiu .

    I think her situation is a gamble at this stage. She doesn't really know how they would react. Her father adores her and she is his only child. I think perhaps he might find it difficult to get his head around it at first but because he has so much love for her I think he would get past it. Her mother may find it more difficult.
    But who's to know how they would react until they are told. It's all just an estimated guess in her situation.

    I'm just trying my hardest to be okay with it if she never tells them. How is your wife with it? How did she make peace with it?
     
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  15. Ell

    Ell Member

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    Hi @Bluenote !

    The move overseas (Australia to London) is a big deal but I will not be combining finances with her.
     
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  16. mariannek2u

    mariannek2u Well-Known Member

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    @Ell I just got back from london! Great city
     
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  17. Lauren_1989

    Lauren_1989 Active Member

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    You must have known when you met her that she wasn't out. You took the chance, you accepted her situation. Understandably you're upset, since you're taking your relationship to the next level but at the end of the day, this isn't about you. She's thinking about her parents, who are elderly, who have raised her and whom she loves. Their relationship has been life long, you have been together for 9 months. If you need validation from her in the way of coming out then maybe you should think about whether you're secure enough in your relationship to move to the other side of the world. Ultimatums are unfair, you're forcing her hand and potentially you're making her choose between you and her parents.
     
    #17
  18. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Honestly, it's not even a thing. It doesn't mean anything to my wife that there are members of my family that don't know about our marriage; it has no deep significance, secret meaning, dealbreaker status. She never "accepted" or "made peace" with it because she never expected it to be different. It's just one of those unchangeable truths, like the weather or the width of the Atlantic: my extended family is not safe for us.

    The problem here is not that she is not telling them. The problem is that you (and probably she) believe that her not telling them has some meaning beyond its actual fact, and that she has to tell them for your relationship to be real, committed, and to move forward. (That might be true! But it is not necessarily true.)

    And it's only pretty recently that coming out to family was expected or universal; queers for years have had "roommates" and "great friends" with a permanent, see-through closets erected around them for everyone's comfort and denial. We (by which I mean lady-loving ladies, not me personally) got married before Windsor, before Pride, when that shit was taboo and illegal and dangerous; it was no less real because mom didn't know. It's not the best case scenario, but it doesn't stop you living your life and committing to your love.
     
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