Girlfriend easily get so upset and wanted to kill herself...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by PurpleMist, Mar 21, 2016.

  1. PurpleMist

    PurpleMist New Member

    Mar 20, 2016
    Likes Received:

    I know I'm new here, but I've been reading a lot good forums from Afterellen to look for good advises and solution and so I decided to register open a thread to hope for a solution or maybe advice for my situation.

    P.S. : I may have an English/ Grammar problem... please don't hate/judge :(

    I have a girlfriend, which is 7 years younger than me and I work as a full-time admin and she is still studying in college. To be honest, I don't like the thing when people said wide age gap differences are many couple's problems. As for me, I thought as long as we love and understand each other... age shouldn't be a problem. We kind of living quite far apart (different states). We only meet each other 1-3 times per year and spend almost 1-2 weeks together whenever we meet (we are about to enter 2nd year together). I can say I'm quite an independent type of person and I don't really need much affection from my girlfriend as I understand we are living quite apart and she needs to finish her study first before we can proceed to plan to live together or anything.

    But there's one problem (which I hope it's not a problem)... she often gets pissed/mad/sulk/upset on tiny matter. Like when we are not beside each other (in our own hometown/states), when I am doing my stuff and reply her later, she will start to be emotional and text in a very moody way (We've been texting a lot, so it's very easy to read what is her emotion through her text) and so I just ask her "what's wrong?" she will just reply something like "I'm fine" or "nothing" but yet she keeps continue being moody.

    I would reply her, but I have my work and stuff to do and I do make sure to reply her once I get on my phone and sometimes I even explain to her I am being busy with some other things but I can still reply her whenever I can. She said "ok" but the thing still repeat and repeat... sometimes we even argued when I insist on knowing what's the matter or what's wrong when she's being emotional and she will always say "I am not sad, I am fine!" and when I decided to call her on the phone, she sounded obviously upset, but yet she still say she's fine... she even sometimes argue with saying I do not believe in her when she said she is fine and calm... when I go with her answer and continue doing my stuff, she will get more moody...

    Recently it got even worse... she will become upset and unreasonable if I don't say "I love you" back to her when she said it... and yesterday she said she wanted to end her life when I say she's being unreasonable. (I only that time didn't say it back to her) I've tried to explain and calm her down and she'll start to blame herself not being a good person and say's everything is her fault.

    I really love her, but I don't know how to make her understand when these things happen. Any advice/solution/critiques??

    I hope I didn't annoy you all with my long thread :oops:
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    I feel like this the answer for 50% of the threads here:

    You can't. It is her job, and you can't do it for her.

    Your girlfriend is being emotionally manipulative here. There are lots of reasons she might do this, intentional and unintentional; she is feeling unfulfilled by your relationship, insecure about your attention/affection for her, lonely or isolated for reasons outside of your relationship, experiencing anxiety/depression, etc. If you don't know what's going on with her, I definitely won't (stranger on the internet!), but I can tell you that the result of her behavior is an unhealthy dynamic in which she gets what she wants - not by asking or being clear about her needs, but through sulking and manipulation.

    Her behavior is not rational, and you cannot use reason to "get her to understand" and behave differently. Right now, she has a need - to get you to pay attention to her - and she has a method that works to get it - sulking, throwing a hissy fit when you try to read her mind, continuing her moody behavior. Negative attention, like when you get frustrated or call her to follow up or call her unreasonable, is still attention. She has no incentive to change her behavior or "understand" you because she is getting what she needs out of these interactions - your continued attentiveness and concern. (Note that perfectly nice and lovable people behave in ways that can be described as manipulative; I'm not using this language to castigate your girlfriend, but to be honest about what her behavior is.)

    If you want her to behave differently, you need to 1) tell her how this behavior affects you, and 2) stop playing this game with her.
    1) "Babe, I love you, but I can't always respond right away. How about I always tell you when I will be available and we have a scheduled time to chat, so that you're not waiting around for me or getting frustrated when I can't talk right away? It's really hard to know that you want something that I can't give you, and I don't really like the way we've been interacting when that happens lately."
    And then, 2) When she says "I'm fine" but you think she isn't? That is HER PROBLEM to resolve, not yours. The thing about being a grown-up is that it is your job to ask for what you need and be honest about what you feel. If you lie to someone and then they believe you and you get annoyed, that is not their fault, it is YOURS. So the only thing that you, as the partner of someone who is engaging in the mind-reading fallacy, can do... is accept her at her word, even if you think she's lying. Anything else is a terrible guessing game that teaches her that she does not have to ask for what she needs and can use short answers to keep you engaged in her emotional care-taking. "I'm glad you're okay. I can call you at six and I can't wait, and I hope you have a good afternoon!" Because... maybe she needs to work through this crankiness on her own. Maybe she needs some alone time to deal with the feelings of abandonment (and recognize that they are not fair to you). Maybe she needs to cultivate some other friends. Maybe she is just having a bad day. Whatever it is, though, if she will not tell you that she wants or needs your support, it is not your job to figure it out.

    As to what to do with her suicidal declarations, her feeling that she has no self-worth, and that everything is her fault... well. You are her partner, her friend, her lover, but you're not her therapist, and it is not appropriate or possible for you to try and change her mind her. You can tell her that you don't think she's to blame, but that you need to work on your communication and boundaries together; you can tell her that no matter what she says or thinks about herself, you think she's great. But you should also tell her that it sounds like she has some underlying fears and worries about herself that might hurt your relationship, and that you think she should have someone outside of your relationship to help her work through them. Then, as you are able to support her, do, remembering that YOU also get to be honest about your needs and capacity to help, and that when you cannot do something - whether it's saying "I love you" right away or something else - you get to say so too, and that has to be okay for your relationship to be healthy and long-term.

    And I really hope it doesn't come to this - but if she hurts herself in some way in order to keep you engaged or to deal with her feelings, that is her action, not yours; you do not "make her" do anything, even if she claims that what she does is in response to you. If you think that she is going to hurt herself, you should call the police or other intervention to make sure she is safe.

    [If SHE had written in for advice, I would tell her very seriously that waving a suicide flag when you are feeling abandoned or under attack by a partner is deeply concerning (and unfair to your partner), and if you are having suicidal thoughts the right way to deal is by calling a hotline and seeking therapy. As someone who has struggled with deep, deep depression and suicidal ideation, and who has manipulated my partners out of desperation and loneliness, it does not feel good to cope this way, and it does not feel good when your partner lets you do it, stays on the phone out of guilt, drops everything to rescue you even when they said they couldn't. It meets a short-term need, but wears away at a relationship in the long term and erodes the struggling partner's ability to take care of herself. One of the best things my wife ever did was say, "I love you, and I want to always be here, but I need you to get some help so that I'm not the only support you have. What can I do to help you find a therapist?" It took me months, but I finally was able to follow through and start to understand the automatic negative thinking that made me so anxious and needy, and to be a better person and partner because of it.]
    greylin and Emm like this.

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