GF wants kids, I don't...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Techie23, Nov 23, 2013.

  1. Techie23

    Techie23 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2013
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    0
    My gf and I have been together for going on two years now. The entire time I have been very honest with the fact that I do not want to have kids. Nothing against them, I love them, and I'm actually very good with them but I just have never wanted kids for myself. For the first year my gf has been ok with this but in May my sister had a baby boy and since then, she has really made it known that she does want to have kids and she really wants to have kids with me. For a brief time, I considered it, but ultimately stood by my no kids choice. I didn't want her to have any false expectations that 5 years down the road, I will want to have kids, and then be mad at me when I don't. I understand that she wants to be a mother very badly and I think she would be a great one, but I just don't want to have kids. Usually when the conversation comes up, it always does, it ends with her saying that she would rather give up being a mother than being with me, which makes me feel incredibly guilty because even though I love her and want to be with her, I do not want her to give up something so important as being a mother just to stay with me. I feel like she would spend the rest of our relationship resenting me because she could've been a mother. I don't really know what to tell her anymore. This will probably end up breaking us up but I don't know what else to do. She wants them and I don't and I don't think children are something that someone should have unless they really want to have them, and I don't think someone who really wants to have them should have to give them up.
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,147
    Likes Received:
    963
    Techie, you are wise and absolutely right. This thing really can be a deal breaker. The best I would tell her is that you can't live with guilt and she needs to find out via counseling if she really can't live with no kids. You are her bestie/lover and she is venting a desire that is not attainable for you as a couple, I get that. But she is also making you feel like you are less of a mate every once in a while and that is not ok at all.

    I admire your clarity about this and hope she can come to some real clarity too.

    One more thing I will say is that I have seen people change their minds about kids when there are no pressure to have them. She probably is hoping for that but what she is doing is putting a lot of pressure on you.
     
    #2
  3. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2013
    Messages:
    159
    Likes Received:
    31
    For me, that is ultimately a deal breaker, I say that because I know myself well enough to know that I want kids, I love them and for years have had that urge to be a mother. But being 25, I don't feel the time is right yet, and of course I'd like to be in a relationship with someone who has similar plans for the future, etc.

    I think you are very smart in realizing that it would cause a problem down the road. There is that small chance she would change her mind, but it would be a risk you would have to take. I think the best thing to do would be to make a clean break while you can and hopefully be able to remain friends and have a strong friendship with her (if you want to remain friends).

    If you were to stay together, I think it would ultimately cause problems for both of you in the end. You would always be feeling guilty for her not having kids, and she would always feel empty in a sense having not fulfilled her dream of having her own children.
     
    #3
  4. Techie23

    Techie23 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2013
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    0
    I feel awful about it, like I can't give her what she wants. She loves me enough to want to give up having kids to stay with me, shouldn't I love her enough to change my mind and think about having kids with her? Do I not love her enough to make that sacrifice?
     
    #4
  5. Maison Clicquot

    Maison Clicquot Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2013
    Messages:
    335
    Likes Received:
    0
    I wouldn't call that a "sacrifice". Children are the flowers that grows out of your love and you should have them if you also wish that. Imagine if those children will ask if you wanted them, what would you tell them ? "I couldn't leave your mother so you are the chain that keeps us together" and you can imagine how bad it would be for everyone, if you wouldn't change your mind. You couldn't fake it everyday how much of a mother you wanted to be, children will feel that and there are many reasons why you shouldn't see them as a sacrifice. It will not be only about you and her anymore. You have two options :
    1. She gives up on that dream and you love each other for the rest of your life.
    2. You break up and each one of you lives the other dreams.
    The third one doesn't count if you really don't want children.
     
    #5
  6. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2013
    Messages:
    159
    Likes Received:
    31
    I have to say I completely agree with Gabriela. It's definitely not a "sacrifice", its not like giving up a new pair of shoes to buy her something she likes.. this is children. Human beings that need care and love. In my opinion it would be a disaster.

    It's okay that you don't want kids. I think you would be better off with someone who has the same idea for a future that you do. She is clearly taking a different path, one that if you try to fake it and go along with, you will hurt others in the process and will be back in the "do I breakup" boat all over again.. only this time it will affect children as well.

    Children are a hugeeeeeee commitment. You're either all for it, or you aren't. There's no middle ground.
     
    #6
  7. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    When I was growing up, the lesbians across the street had an amicable-but-heartbreaking breakup over this. They were both in their thirties, a great match, had a bunch of dogs, had lived together for 3+ years, and got along great. And then one day, they split. It was a dealbreaker. There was no compromise. Their love, affection and mutual respect didn't change the fact that what they wanted was fundamentally opposed: one of them wanted to be a mom, and the other wanted to be child-free and have the flexibility that that brings. Both were good, honest, respectable needs; both had strong arguments for their preferences; there was no middle path. It was eye-opening to me, as an adolescent, who had thought that all you needed to make a relationship work was love and wanting it bad enough.

    With a lot of things in relationships, there is a way to work to reconcile both sides. (I eat meat in restaurants but keep a veggie kitchen; my fiancee gets monthly hikes in national parks but we live in the city; I go to meeting on Sundays and don't mind the various hippie crystals guarding the windows.) But kids is not one of those things; having them fundamentally changes your relationship and your life, no backsies, and it's not something you do to placate a partner. Raising children is an amazing commitment - and so is building a family and a loving home without children. Either way, it's something you agree and commit to out of mutual desire.

    It sounds like your girlfriend thinks a)her wanting to be a mom will go away, or b) you might change your mind, and c) all that she needs to make a relationship work is love, compromise, and wanting it bad enough. It's just not true, and continuing a relationship on the hope that one of you is going to change your long-held desires around family is a pretty shaky foundation. I think it'll lead to a lot of insecurity and conflict and resentment in the long run - and the last thing you want thrown at you in 3-5 years is "I gave up having a baby for you!" Much better to respect her desires and your own, and reach an agreement that values both - even if it means that you're not able to build something long-term.
     
    #7

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice