Getting out of the straight girl crush habit?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by catnyc, Apr 5, 2016.

  1. catnyc

    catnyc New Member

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    I'm bi and I'm only out to a few friends, and have had a terrible time falling for "straight" friends who occasionally seem heteroflexible. A quick overview is below; and I'd love any advice or thoughts from people who've gone through something similar or see patterns.

    One knew I was bi and would occasionally decide to kiss me when we were out at a bar. She also loved to cuddle (even before she knew I was bi). At one point a few years ago, I hit on her slightly and she realized what was going on, and very gently and kindly turned me down. Then a few weeks later, we almost ended up in a threesome with a guy she was newly dating, but she got jealous of the other guy paying attention to me and freaked out (though she was fine with anything between us.) Nothing has happened since, and that was years ago. Since then, we've remained close friends and traveled together many times, but I still get a little heartsick when I hear her boy problems.

    The second is someone where we ended up in a threesome (my first actual one) the second time we hung out. It happened three more times, and then she and I would sometimes see each other one on one. She lived a few hours away, so it would always involve staying overnight. She identified as bi in her 20s, but then decided girls were too much to handle so backed away from them entirely. I started to fall for her big time. Although we weren't "dating" (and neither of us were out to our mutual group of friends), we became very close friends and intimate. After about 9 months, she said that ultimately she wanted to end up with a guy in a traditional relationship, and felt that she was leading me on. It hurt badly, but ultimately we ended up becoming good friends. (Though it still sometimes hurts to be around her.)

    The third girl is someone who is basically straight, but then we randomly kissed at a bar. Another time, we were at a party with a big group of friends, when she announced I was a good kisser and kissed me in front of the group. (Only one knew I was bi; the rest probably thought we were goofing around -- or they started to wonder about me) She has since moved a few hours away and I went to visit her this weekend. We had a great time, and when a guy I used to date came over I had briefly tossed out the idea of a threesome. She looked nervous and then open to it. (Turns out the guy had poison ivy, so it didn't end up happening) Nothing happened beyond that. She knows I've had a threesome before, but doesn't know I identify as bi.

    I think that a theme is that I ultimately end use threesomes as a way to try to get access to "straight" girls, which is probably messed up.

    Also, as background, I've also dated a few girls who were actually gay. None of them were very successful, but I don't always only go for straight girls. It just seems to be a theme.

    Logically, I understand that nothing will happen with the straight girls, and that their attn if anything is fleeting, but for some reason I crave it.

    Any thoughts?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I guess you are tired of the hookups but you are excited by them nonetheless? Perhaps whatever euphoria you are getting from the straight girls are lasting less and less and you are just finding things wrong with the whole experience afterwards. Then, like a habit, the next one comes your way, you start again.

    The good thing about bad habits is that you can most certainly see it coming. You can practice shooting down such temptations when the next straight girl start staggering towards you to use you for a thrill. Next time, you will be able to see it a mile away. Or, even better, maybe you can back out of the whole scene and into venues that are more relationship forming. Venues that you happen to like that do not involve people drinking and making uninhibited and at times, bad decisions.

    Sometimes, these things happen when you are just searching for the type of partner that you like. You may even be searching for the type of relationship or lack there of that you like. Some people are just not relationship people at all. But if you are looking for that special someone that you can build something good, intimate and fun with, you will find her. Don't let the past relationships discourage you. Good luck.
     
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  3. catnyc

    catnyc New Member

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    @greylin -- Thanks so much for the thoughtful advice. I think you're really spot on. I like the adventure, but not the downside. I think that since I haven't had many amazing relationships with girls yet, I'm sort of testing out waters with people who I know aren't relationship material so that I don't fully have to deal with that yet. But it's getting old, and I feel that I should just take the leap.

    I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts.
     
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