getting out of the friend-zone, is it possibl...

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by crimson14, Oct 16, 2013.

  1. crimson14

    crimson14 Member

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    so i was recently friendzoned by my very close bisexual friend of almost 4 years (let's call her J.)

    so a little background info. J and i first met freshman year of college, back then she was still with a boyfriend. middle of said year, they broke up, of course she was heartbroken 'cause they've been together for 4 years, so as her first and close friend i was their to be her support, and i guess this is also the time i started to have feelings for her. a few months later and end of said year, she bounced back from the breakup with ex-boyfriend and was being courted by a lesbian (let's call her A). by this time, my feelings for her as well as our friendship grew stronger.
    Sophomore year of college. i knew i was in love with her, it took me a year to realize how much i love and value her as more than a friend. despite our close friendship, i was already planning on confessing to her but then i found out that J and A are already together for 2 weeks (just fucking unlucky me). I saw how happy A made J, so i decided not to confess and let them be, continued to be close friends with J and move on.
    By Junior year of college, i'm pretty sure that i already moved on from her although i was still there for her whenever she needs me. i had lots of crushes, i gave flowers and chocolates to almost all the girls i had a crush on but strangely enough, it never went beyond a crush, i suddenly just lose interest in them
    By senior year of college (present time), it hit me as to why i never like any other girl as more than a crush. I realized that i am still in love with J. but with her relationship with A and our now even stronger friendship, i somehow kept the feeling inside to the point that i, myself, isn't even aware of it anymore.
    I just realized this because an incident involving another close friend (let's call her P) triggered said feelings of love.
    By august 2013, J had broken up with A because they somehow grew apart months ago and just decided to end it while they are still in good terms. her break-up with A 'cause me to rethink that maybe we have a chance but during this time, i haven't realized how much i'm in love with. but then a week later, i find out that close friend P is making her move on her and J is slowly falling for it, although still not to the point of a deep crush, more like an attracted crush. I felt betrayed because i actually asked P to be my wing girl and confidently gave her J's number because even though i knew she finds J attractive, she wouldn't dare betray my trust. Anyway, after sad moments and talking and fixing things with P (she fully acknowledge her mistakes, said sorry and we managed to save our 2 year friendship), P decided to give way to me to make my move on J. although P does have a crush on J, things are still complicated with her ex, (there's still an even longer story about P and her ex, because P's ex is a classmate and close friend of J and I, but i won't get into it).
    back to J and I, on Oct 12, i decided to confess my feelings, which surprisingly enough she already has an idea of.
    J thought i just liked her but i said, "I don't like you, i actually love you", she looked at me and let me continue to speak, so i told her all the things she need to know, since freshman year up to now.
    After that i said, "now that you know my feelings, can i get an answer? because if you don't like me as more than a friend, you can reject me here and now, so that it'll be easier for me to really really move on"
    J's answer? "here's the thing. you're my true friend, i give so much importance and value to our friendship that i don't want to risk losing it and losing you by being more than friends, because being in a relationship doesn't guarantee that we'll always be together, but let me get this clear, i'm not closing the door on you, because who knows, 5 years after graduation, i meet you again and then i realized that i actually like you more than a friend, at least i can act on it because i didn't reject you, but right now, i think it's best if we just stay the same. very close friends who lean on each other"

    that basically screams "FRIENDZONED" right? before we went our separate ways, we promise each other that nothing will change, we even pinky-sweared. i'm 100% sure that she wouldn't treat me differently because that is just the kind of girl she is, proof? a guy friend once confessed to her, she was flattered and also offered her friendship. right now, she is still good friends with said guy friend, and guy friend even asks her for advice when he has problems about her current gf.
    J's number one worry before we separated is that what if i change and treat her differently, for reassurance, i told her that if she noticed i changed, she could hit me on the head without saying a word and she joked that she wouldn't just hit my head, she would also push me down the stairs, we laughed and i felt that maybe J is worried about losing me as her friend. this confession happened on a saturday.
    we met on monday and sure enough nothing changed, she's still that sweet, clingy, smiley, has a high sense of humor girl that i fell in love with.

    we didn't have classes on tuesday and wednesday, so i'm gonna be seeing her again on thursday, during these 2 no school days, i caught myself thinking, could i get out of the friendzone and get together with J or is that all she's ever gonna see me as? only a very close friend. If she only sees me as a friend, although i am in love with her, should i just move on?
    what do you guys think? can you give me advice? insights? i would really appreciate it, thank you! =)
     
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  2. Omglol

    Omglol Well-Known Member

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    Re: getting out of the friend-zone, is it pos...

    oh my gosh..

    she sounds like a cool, mature and reliable person. so cookie points for her for remaining calm and honest and being ur true friend.

    ur story reminds me of Ted Mosby from how i met ur mother. why? because it's a classic tale. it sucks, it's stressful, it's hopeful and helpless. it makes u smile but it also makes u sad. 9 years this character tried to move on, if u know the show then u know all the hilarious and heart wrenching ups and downs he went through. u have bonded with her, have an emotional and mental connection with her and here you are finding urself yearning for more.

    Congratulations for sharing ur feelings with her. It's huge. whatever the outcome may be I think u did the right thing. you have set yourself free now everything's out in the open more or less.



    "here's the thing. you're my true friend, i give so much importance and value to our friendship that i don't want to risk losing it and losing you by being more than friends, because being in a relationship doesn't guarantee that we'll always be together, but let me get this clear, i'm not closing the door on you, because who knows, 5 years after graduation, i meet you again and then i realized that i actually like you more than a friend, at least i can act on it because i didn't reject you, but right now, i think it's best if we just stay the same. very close friends who lean on each other"

    I don't understand this line, there are so many possibilities here and mind reading is very unhealthy because we don't know what goes on in her mind. is she saying i do have feelings for u but i dont want to take it to another step, or i respect our friendship, or im not attracted to u but who knows... etc.. I'm sorry! Anything but a Yes or No is going to put you in a situation where you are constantly going to wonder 'what if'. you may go on many dates but by the end of the day ull wonder what it would be like, she never said No!.

    I don't know the dynamics of your friendship, but i can somewhat understand why she might say it that way. i mean there are tons of why, how, what ifs here... it could be because she doesn't want to lose you whatsoever, or she just wanted to let you down easily and or maybe she needs time to process the "I am IN love with you part"

    u said she kinda knew u had a crush on her but did she expect the full blown in love feelings? did she say she needs time at all? or any clue that she may needs time to think etc..?




    so here's what i think:

    - things will get a little awkward at times. ( that's ok it's natural). things will get awkward and may stir up some emotions if she starts talking about her love life with you. ( so be mindful of that.) if something like that happens just ask her not to go into so much details because you are still having deeper feelings for her and need time.

    - u cant force moving on from her. Massive dating won't help much either.

    -3 years of loving someone is a long time give urself time to recover. you know, re evaluate urself, see who you are as a person without her in your life.

    -be blunt and ask her if she can give u a more clear answer because 5 years from now gives u some hope and that's just not fair even though you really want to give it a shot. if you must move on now you need to be rejected (that's just my opinion)so at least u wont cling to an idea anymore( i know sounds horrible).

    It's great that she wants u in her life and you want her in your life and you both are willing to work around it and get through this. That's true friendship.


    u said ur friend also has a crush on J.. would she pursue her now that she knows u were "friend zoned" if so be prepared, jealousy and resentment plane will be landing shortly after. I would say focus on yourself and stay mentally healthy. i understand the whole sisterhood code but u know they don't owe u anything. it sucks but if 2 people like each other then nothing u can do about it. ( I rly hope i didn't scare the crap out of u right now! if so i apologize lol) Take it easy I really hope it works out for u whether she ends up ur best friend or girlfriend. :)
     
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  3. crimson14

    crimson14 Member

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    Re: getting out of the friend-zone, is it pos...

    Omglol, Thank you so much for replying! and the advice you gave is spot on and really really helpful

    she really is great and mature although sometimes silly haha!

    and i'm actually a really big fan of how i met your mother, so i kinda feel flattered that my story is somehow comparable to Ted but actually knowing his story from the very beginning, it actually really sucks! haha!

    yeah, i did feel really good when i got my feelings out on the open, and it help that she didn't gave a negative response
    and about that line she gave me after i confessed, she really didn't say yes or no. that line is almost exactly the same line she said to me, that's why i said to her that if you have to reject me, might as well do it now, because i also have a mindset that in order to move on, you need to be rejected so feelings of hope won't come up but she replied with that line instead.
    but my understanding from it is that, right now the only thing she can offer is friendship but she doesn't know what the future holds so she doesn't have the final say on things

    "u said she kinda knew u had a crush on her but did she expect the full blown in love feelings? did she say she needs time at all? or any clue that she may needs time to think etc..?"

    she only knew that i only have a crush on her but not in love, so she was a bit surprised when i said i love her. and no she didn't say she needs time to think, she never said that throughout the whole conversation

    "u said ur friend also has a crush on J.. would she pursue her now that she knows u were "friend zoned" if so be prepared, jealousy and resentment plane will be landing shortly after."

    I actually bluntly asked her about this, i told that friend that i was friend-zoned and if she wanted to continue what she already started with J (J is actually giving her a good response when she makes her move, although not enough to actually say that she really likes her but i guess they're getting there?), it'll probably hurt a bit, but i'll be okay with it, as long as when they do get together, i don't want to hear stories, details, even problems about their future relationship (if there is one), out of respect for me. i also mentioned this to J. and J said it'll be really difficult (she can't almost do it) for her to do that, because she just got used to sharing everything (and i mean everything) with me, so there's that, but i blatantly told her that she have to do that out of respect for my feelings, at the end, she unwillingly agreed

    And my other friend (named P), said that she'll only just be friends with J and she'll stop making her moves on her. P really respects me and looks up to me as a close friend (she's also a year younger), we have this friendship where we can talk about anything under the sun and not have secrets, P's sister also treats me the same way, P also jokes around by calling me "lord" because i tend to know answers to almost all her problems.
    when i told P about my feelings for J and asked why she did what she did, i saw and felt the sincerity of her words. She said she thought that i only wanted to see if i still have a chance with J, and didn't realized that she was already making her moves on J. She actually cried and said sorry a dozen times, she even said, "of all people i could hurt, it had to be you. i would rather live alone for the rest of my life than steal a girl you're in love with, that's how much i love you as a friend".
    and gave her promise that she wouldn't make a move on J and just be friends with her.
    J also has her doubts if she want to take a chance with P (she said this before i confessed), because of our classmate and also a close friend (named L), who also happens to be P's ex-gf. L clearly still have feelings for P, and J sees that, so she feels really guilty and feels like she's taking a way a chance of L and P getting back together but P is really sure that she doesn't want L back although she still cares for her (this is another long complicated story, which added another complication to my story, so i wouldn't go into much detail)

    Honestly speaking, I said that i'll be okay if they (J and P) continued what is already started because they are both my close friends and if they happen to find happiness with each other, who am i to intervene? i'm willing to give way to them, although it would honestly hurt, i love them both to probably overcome that hurt. i just really need a blunt reason to really move on. i guess i'll see what happens this following days, and i'll update when something important happens

    again, thank you for the really helpful advice! =D
     
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  4. Omglol

    Omglol Well-Known Member

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    Re: getting out of the friend-zone, is it pos...

    I'm glad to hear it was somewhat helpful :)

    that's great u are on top of things, u are prepared, and you know where you stand! thumbs up

    ya ur story keep reminding me of himym haha!

    I mean u want her, P wants her, J kinda wants her but then there is u, then there is A,X, T,K, B coming into the picture. it can get hectic lol. Well logically she will be thinking about this because u dropped a bombshell. she's dealing with all sorts of thoughts and feelings coming at her. ( which we don't know what they are really so we shouldn't assume!)

    woot! good for u for telling her straight up you don't want her to go into crazy detail. there is no reason for that, it will take timeeee for u to adjust and take that time indeed.

    idk im still with that Yes or No thing. Ted waited so long for Robyn to change her mind about marriage or whatever, again it's just clinging to that idea. ( psychologically speaking cause that's just a fictional story obviously lol) but these things do happen.

    in my opinion falling for a real best friend is the most natural and easiest thing because you are half way there already . emotionally and mentally connected and bonded. and then u blink and watch her randomly do something and ur like oh crap im deep! it's more organic than say a person who has sex with the same person more than 3 times, emotions will rise up and fuel things and then it becomes a mess when there were "rules" for no romantic feelings. it's just biology. ( get it ? i just referenced the show a lil here! lol). anyway... u are welcome :) and keep us posted!
     
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