Getting mixed signals like crazy.

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by geekchic, Sep 2, 2014.

  1. geekchic

    geekchic Active Member

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    I've worked with this girl, let's call her Amy, for a little more than a year now. She's been in a relationship with a girl before, but she's currently dating guys. I've liked her for a while and i asked her out a long time ago, but she said she only saw me as a friend. We are still close friends, we have lunch together at least twice a week, and we spend a lot of time together outside of work.

    I started to notice a change in her about two months ago. She always has this smile that doesn't go away when she's around me. She started complimenting me in very specific ways, like the color of my eyes, the shape of my eyebrows; she once said that she loves my cheekbones. When we talk or text, every other sentence is "babe" or "baby" or "love" or "beautiful." She calls a lot of her friends babe, so I don't know if this means anything. She always has to be physically close to me. She's always finding something to brush off my clothes, or play with my hair, or fix my eyebrows, or grab my hand, or hug me. She's done this thing to me a couple of times where she plays with my lip ring. I called her out on it once, but she said that she didn't mean it to be flirty. But she still does it, and stares at me from my eyes to my lips when she does it. She told me that she feels the best when she's around me.

    This all started after she came back from a two-week vacation. The first time we saw each other after she got back she said that she missed me a lot and seeing me gave her butterflies. I wrote it off as her just being cute or silly, but I know I don't tell just anyone that they give me butterflies.She's always saying how good she feels around me, how amazing and perfect I am.

    So I need your help guys. Does she have feelings for me, or is she leading me on?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    If you didn't work together, I would give her a kiss and see. Or I would tell her that you would really like to kiss her right now. But you work together, so it could complicate things and get awkward whether it works out or not.

    Mostly she is just feeling good being liked by you and, not quite knowing that she is being selfish but figures what would it hurt if she basked in that glow of being liked and, also she surmises you'd like being close to her anyhoo. I don't think that is particularly mature or nice but I am guessing that's where she's at. Also, you can view it in a more positive light of her being open and friendly to you even knowing your feelings. It is probably more 20% open & friendly, 60% basking and another 20% mu, whereas mu = the possibility of some magic circumstances where two young people and a lot of electricity explodes into an affair, and whereas mu also feeds the 60% basking.
     
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  3. geekchic

    geekchic Active Member

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    So, we went to lunch a couple of days ago at this place I used to work. We do this thing where we pick places to go where one or both of us have never been. Since she'd never been there I picked it. So I was talking with our server to see who was still working there that I knew, and I found out that my favorite cook left (on good terms). When our server left I admitted that I had a little bit of a straight crush on that one cook. She paused for a couple of seconds then said "Oh, kind of like how you're my favorite at work?"

    Did she just hint that she has a crush on me?
     
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  4. geekchic

    geekchic Active Member

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    :shock:
     
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  5. Canuck8881

    Canuck8881 Well-Known Member

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    OMG!!!! You seriously need that question answered? Ummm yes. Favourite cook = crush. Favourite person at work = crush. She pretty much spelled it out. Just kiss the girl!!!!!
     
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  6. geekchic

    geekchic Active Member

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    I don't know... I feel like I should talk to her about it. I really haven't been myself around her lately. I've kind of had my guard up because I'm crazy about her. I don't know if I could jump from guarded to kissing her.
     
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  7. Canuck8881

    Canuck8881 Well-Known Member

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    Ok maybe that was more of a metaphor on what to do than to actually just outright kiss her. She just gave you the perfect situation to bring the topic up. All you have to say is "Remember when I told you about my crush on my favourite cook and you said just like my favourite co-worker.... were you flirting with me?" And if she backs down because she's scared to admit her feelings to you and she says that she wasn't flirting, your response would be "awww too bad, I was hoping you were".
     
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  8. geekchic

    geekchic Active Member

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    I guess I had it wrong. She just told me today that she's been seeing her ex for the past two weeks and everything is going well between them.
     
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  9. Canuck8881

    Canuck8881 Well-Known Member

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    Awww that's too bad. Chin up. Things still could change.
     
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  10. geekchic

    geekchic Active Member

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    new developments.

    HTML:
    
    
    Updates: I may have walled myself off too much, because she doesn't do the things she used to do or say what she used to say. I really pushed her away after a super intense conversation we had about a month ago that I didn't mention in my previous posts. About a week or two after my first post, to be exact. She was having a hard day, and I was cheering her up, and things turned kind of emotional. She said some things that I didn't know how to take, like "I love how we just click," and "you complete me," and "can I keep you?" Then she asked me to come over that night, but I had to be at work early, so I said no. I actually didn't talk to her for a few days after that. I think she noticed because she asked if I was mad at her. I said no, but I continued to get more distant. I didn't know if I should take what she said to heart, because I could say the same things. A couple weeks later, right after we went to lunch and it felt like she hinted that she had a crush on me, is when she started talking to her ex.

    Back to now: I don't think she is talking to her ex anymore. She said things weren't working out. We haven't spent much time together recently, but she has asked me about doing things together. We were talking at work, and she asked me what I was doing for the holidays. I told her I wasn't planning on doing much since my family isn't doing anything together this year. I said I would probably just end up working. Then she invited me to go to her family's. I don't know if I should say yes. I think I'm going to talk to her and spill the beans already. I don't want things to get any more awkward. In my eyes, asking someone to spend the holidays with your family is a big deal, especially when they live an hour and a half away.
     
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  11. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think regardless of whether it works or whether she has a crush or just intense friendship like, it is better at this point for you to let her know how you feel. Everything is understandable if you tell her what you like about her and what you think of her. You want her to understand why you distant yourself to begin with because you didn't want to hope too much for something that might not happen as you were getting closer. That you realize if you were just to be frank about it then the whole thing would resolve one way or another in a minute, but that is awfully hard to do for people are a friends AND colleagues.

    Yeah, I concur, spill the beans. If you are already worried about your friendship, the nondisclosure in this case is already making it weird.
     
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  12. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    I think first of all you are friends. So, as a friend, be honest with her. First, you do need to clarify for your own sake if she is interested in you. Why? Because every time she says something to you and makes a gesture you will be going crazy trying to figure out what it means.

    Second, your friendship is important for both of you so it is a shame if you distance yourself from her and she doesn't even know why. Good feelings should not be the cause of friendship casualties.

    If you decide to talk to her, let her know that your feelings won't change the fact that you are her friend, that you understand if she does not reciprocate the same way. Of course, assuming you are okay with that (I am not trying to put words in you mouth/post).

    Good luck to you.

    -- CA
     
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  13. geekchic

    geekchic Active Member

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    Every time I decide to say something the timing ends up being wrong or I wuss out. I have no doubt that she feels something for me, but I'm not sure what it is. WARNING: CLICHE AHEAD. I don't want to make things weird for us (even though there are mutually recognized, tangibly weird moments in the present anyway) or make a fool of myself.

    Sometimes I don't think she says everything she means, and vice versa.

    The other day, I had dinner and movies at her house. She lives with her roommate and her roommate's boyfriend. We were hanging out together after dinner and she started to look up our horoscope friendship compatibility. She sounded excited when she found out that our signs were the highest ranking of all pairings. She read the description out loud. We realized as she was reading a part that talked about our irresistible attraction for one another and our firework chemistry that she had really looked up our love compatibility. Her roommate was like "wait a minute, that's not a friendship horoscope. Why are you looking at a love horoscope??" She just kept reading and didn't answer. Disclaimer: although I get all the butterflies and fireworks, I don't believe in that astrology stuff. Then we snuggled and watched movies.

    But then yesterday, she sent me a meme with a quote that said "Does anyone else have that friend who you're pretty sure is your soulmate, but in a friend way?"

    Things like that make me want to continue to keep my mouth shut.
     
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  14. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    I hope everything is well for you and that you had a good holiday. I understand why you feel discourage to talk to her and your frustration. I wouldn't take everything she says and does too seriously (I know it is easier said than done) but maybe you can actually ask her why said something when she does. Like I said before you don't want every little thing to drive crazy. If you find the moment right then you tell her, if you don't then don't worry about it.

    You two share a closeness and intimacy that you cannot put into friendship or love. It is something that, I believe, is beyond that, and it doesn't fit into either category. She might be having a hard time trying to figure out what that feeling means? Thus the mixed signals. Whether these signals are intensional, I don't know, but let's hope not.

    Good luck!
     
    #14
  15. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Jesus wept woman. She likes you, but she is confused by your mixed messages. And she doesn't want to loose a friend, have things be weird at work, etc...

    If you have a serious career job thingy, stay away.

    If you have a no qualms about dating a coworker kinda job, then...

    For the love of all things Holy and Good, talk to her. Tell her all the flirting, declarations of love, snuggling, etc... are confusing.

    If she just wants a friend, that's cool. If she wants to date, that's cool. But you don't want to be this ambiguous friend / maybe placeholder / maybe missed your chance thing.

    She owes you a straight answer.
     
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  16. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I am beginning to think that this site's new slogan is "Jesus wept woman." ;)
     
    #16
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2014
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  17. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Crap. My instant read on this is that it's a no. I can't say for sure why. Instinct I suppose. And I think the fact that u like her that much in that way will crack ur friendship right down the middle if she finds out.

    I think you two are certainly involved in an intimate friendship, and she loves u, has fun around you and trusts u. That's a big one,trust...cause u are betraying her trust by having all these undeclared feelings for her. Not that u can help how u feel, but u can help how u deal with it.

    If she doesn't fancy u too, and was aware of how u felt...she probably wouldn't b so intimate with u. And she deserves the right to set her boundaries appropriately. As u can probably tell, I've had really close friends like me more than I knew and not tell me. And it felt horrible to find out. Not 'flattering'as most people like to say. Instead I remembered all the touches, cozy sleepovers and girly nights cuddled up on the sofa and knew how relaxed, happy and uncomplicated that felt for me. I also know what it's like to fancy someone and how different intimate moments like that are if shared with someone ur crushing on. So the likelyhood is that my friend (s) were feeling like that. And that made me feel gross and stupid and cheapened our friendship in my eyes. And the problem was that I didn't know and didn't have the opportunity to set my boundaries appropriately. You get where I'm coming from? U are lying to ur friend by omission. And probably, u are not her friend, you are someone who wants to date her...which is quite different from a friend in the way u think about her, the way u interact with her and the way u respond to her.

    Totz, what I've outlined is a worst case scenario sitz. It's unlikely that she will b as hard line as this, but if she is...u've put urself in a situation where ur friendship is fucked potentially. So...I wouldn't advise full disclosure.

    What do you need to do?
    1.U need to let her know that ur feelings are romantic.
    2.U need to find out if she likes you.

    What do u want to avoid?
    1. Losing the friendship.
    2. Making a show of urself

    How to achieve these?
    U pretty much have to tell her either in thought or in deed. BUT MINIMISE THE FUCK OUT OF IT. No big mad love declarations.

    If u decide to kiss her...do it in a fun (helpfil if ur both slightly tipsy way)...so u can be all 'oopps giggle giggle' if her face looks like she has just swallowed a rat. But it's all fun n doesn't appear serious and u'll get a pretty good read on stuff.

    If u decide to tell her, pretend it's only something that's just cropped up again for u. Keep it light and say u've started finding her a bit attractive. Even imply that ur not entirely delighted with it if u want as ur such good friends. Keep it light tho and allow for a subject change if she looks like....see above..rat etc.

    Alternatively, you could just tell her everything honestly. ..but it's a pretty big risk. I'm a bit of a fan of risk myself but not everyone is and u stand to lose a lot if it goes south. Basically this approach will b amazing if she likes u. If she doesn't, screwed. Of course, u can't continue to like ur friend indefinitely if she doesn't like u back...so u may have to distance urself from the friendship anyway urself. However there is the possibility that if u declare and u find out that ur feelings aren't returned, ur own feelings will diminish. That works going forwards for u, but only if she is cool too. Which is why I suggest the (am...dishonest I suppose) minimising method as it provides insurance for u both should worst case scenario occur.

    If she likes u, u can always confess the longevity of ur feelings later. She will find it cute. But eitherway, telling her is pretty much a necessity For both ur sakes.

    Oh and what r u? Gay/bi/ straight/ closeted/ undeclared? Have u said already? I ddidn't catch it.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 6, 2014
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  18. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Edit: I have just reread your original post. Sorry some time had passed and I got lost in the narrative. Well, you had already talked to her. You asked her for a date and she said no. She had already said that she sees you as a friend. You did call her out on her demeanor and she denied it and said she did not mean to be flirty. You had done what you needed to do and check and she had said no.

    As to your friendship. You can say something like, "I know you are not interested in me, but some of the physical closeness, the touching, had made me wonder if you had changed your mind. I don't want to keep asking you if you are interested on every little thing that happens, so I kind of backed off a little. I do like you as a friend." I am sorry I am clumsy as to the best words to put forth, but you get the idea. She doesn't mean to flirt, but whatever she does is messing with your head. If you say this to her, and she does really like you, then she would correct you if not immediately but maybe after some thought. If she likes you only as a friend then maybe she and you can work out how you can feel more comfortable in the friendship while carrying a torch for her.

    Yes, she can change her mind about you, the interesting thing to me is her going back with her ex and then going off and not anything else she had said that sounded flirty. I am guessing all this: she is processing your feelings for her but she is not completely picturing you two as a couple. Her demeanor around you is her showing you she is not afraid to touch you and be close to you even though she had already turned you down. If that is the case you need to let her know that is not what you need at the moment. She thinks if she ever gets involved with you it would be way too serious and she is probably not ready for that. So she has not really made the move to ask you out to test the waters but she does just enough to touch on that side of her feelings but not enough to make something a go. I know I am rambling but I have been thinking about this for a while today.
     
    #18
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2014
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  19. cheekybastard

    cheekybastard Active Member

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    I get the whole 'mixed signals'-thing, but honestly, I wouldn't read into it too much.

    I'm having a similar situation at the moment, and it's annoying as well, because we are really good friends.
    I've developped a small crush on her, but well, how couldn't I, she's beautiful and literally constantly 'flirts' with me.
    Like 'oohhh would you be my girlfriend' 'I love you' 'you're my absolute favourite' and she has kissed me multiple times when we were drunk. And she know's about my sexuality. But she's also crushing after a friend of ours (and kinda dating him) and I know that she doesn't really like me in that way. But it's hard to not read into it. I tooootally get it.

    On the other hand, your girl actually has had a relationship with a girl before... That does make it a bit more different...
    I don't know. Good luck anyway :)
     
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  20. bowtiesarecool

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    Hey all, it's geekchic. I couldn't get in my old account, so this is my new one. You have all listed my concerns so far. I still think that she feels something for me. It's a feeling that I get from her. It's how she says things. It's the way she smiles for me. She said she felt drawn to me. She said we understand each other in a cosmic way.

    But I never said anything, didn't even try, and now my heart is broken.

    I kept distancing myself from her, I kept pushing her away, and she began seeing someone else.

    She still smiles at me the same.
     
    #20

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