Getting ex back...is there a chance...mixed messages

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Lindsrose, Mar 28, 2016.

  1. Lindsrose

    Lindsrose New Member

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    Im new to the forum and I know I'm probably going to get a lot of backlash for my post but here it goes anyway...

    I was with my ex girlfriend for 3 years. We met when she was 20 and I was 29. It kind of just happened because I had been questioning my sexuality for a long time. Before her, I had only dated men; however, we just kind of started off strong right away. It then became long distance because I got a job 3 hours away.

    Everything was great and perfect except the distance. And the fact that I was still in the closet at my job and in my town (it's a small town and we both lived in a big city). It became really bad the longer I was here. We had only been in a relationship together for about 6 months before I moved...we decided to keep dating anyway because we were in love. Then I made life decisions that have brought me to this point.

    After 3 years in the relationship, I made a horrible decision and slept with a guy I knew. I had been faithful otherwise the entire relationship and in fact, have never cheated before. I felt so awful and the trust seemed to be gone from the relationship, so I broke it off with her because I wanted us to start from a place of trust and openness. I wanted the relationship to last. She then wanted to get back together and I didn't get back together with her because I still lived in this town and still felt like I couldn't' keep my job etc. It sounds all so stupid now, but I wanted it to be perfect for her and for us. I had severe anxiety and depression for living somewhere where I couldn't just live my life.

    Then we met up again a couple months ago when we weren't together to talk. She then, while i was sleeping, figured out my passcode and went through my phone and found messages from that guy. At this point, I had bought her a ring. So now she basically wants nothing to do with me. I emailed her to meet up again, apologized profusely and asked to see her and she said she still loved me but wanted "time and space" to figure out what she wants. I texted her 30 days later after giving her a break acknowledging that I understood why she was doing what she was doing and that I loved her. She responded with thanks for understanding and good luck to me in the future. After a few more texts she just said it was too hard.

    If I didn't think she was my soulmate, I wouldn't even bother her again. I just feel like I have to try one last time. My instinct (which I'm sure is wrong) is to propose anyway but I think in this case talk is cheap and action is the only thing that I can do to salvage this. I know I sound like an awful person right now but I know the problems in our relationship only stem from me being a coward and a horrible human being. I do love her and I don't want to lose her. I'd rather be out and lose my job then be without her.

    Anyway, I thought this would be the best place to ask advice.
     
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  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Before I say anything else, I want to say that I am very sorry that you are hurting, and that I understand your desperation to get your girlfriend back. Anything I say from here on out is said with as much sympathy and compassion as I can muster.

    Action - well, it was action that got you into this mess. You cheated on your girlfriend and broke up with her (did you disclose the cheating, or what the "trust being gone" just your perspective and she was in the dark? A little confused on that point.) Those were actions, and if talk is cheap, those are the actions that she is using to judge who you are and whether you are a good partner for her. Talk is telling her that you love her and want to be with her; action is telling her that you are capable of hurting her, cheating on her, and lying to her. She has used what you have said and what you have done to reach her own conclusions, and her conclusion is that you are not what she wants, needs, or has capacity to support as a partner. She is ending your association, and you do not get a vote. It takes two people to decide to be in a relationship, and only one to end it.

    Further action: you bought a ring for someone you were not currently dating, who you did not trust with the truth, who when faced with the truth decided that she wanted to end your relationship and friendship. While it may seem grand and romantic from the brokenhearted place you are right now, from where she is it will seem thoughtless, desperate, and a little manipulative. If she says yes, it will not be because she is of her own volition and freedom choosing you, but because you have emotionally worn her down and backed her into a corner, and the marriage you are solemnizing will be one built on a foundation of distrust and desperation. Whatever love holds it together, there are some serious cracks to address before this is stable, joyful, or sustainable.

    Brief sermon from a married lady with strong/complicated ideas about marriage: at best, proposal is not a surprise, one-sided decision, nor is it a band-aid on a broken relationship. It is, at its best, an exciting moment when you look at each other and say, "yeah, okay, I want to do this forever," and it is highly collaborative and personal and joyful. Proposing to her may seem to you like the ultimate proof of your feelings and seriousness, but those are actually things that you declare every day in how you treat, listen to, respond to, support, and celebrate your partner, and if you're lucky and she's on the same page that might turn into a proposal, a marriage, a long-term partnership. Marriage only makes formal and visible what you have already built together. So, in your three years, your cheating, your distance and break-ups and angst - what have you built that will sustain you through a shared life?

    I get that you believe she is your soulmate (*so many opinions on this word! which I will spare you for now), and I have sympathy for that, I really really do. She is also the injured party here(**not delving into why she was snooping on your phone - that's another flag that someone else may take up), and the most kind and honest and respectful thing you can do is listen to her when she tells you what you want, and take your medicine like a grown-up. That is actually the clearest proof of your feelings, your respect, your love for her: that you believe her and do your best to give her what she wants and needs, even and especially when it runs counter to what you hope for.

    So, concrete, what-I-would-do-next advice:
    1) If you need closure, send her a message saying you have heard and understood, and that you will be not be contacting her again. You can let her know that if ever wants to open the door again, you would be happy to hear from her, but that if she does not you wish her the very very best and hope she has all the happiness life can offer.
    2) Do not contact her again, even to check in, even to make sure she is doing fine. That is not your job anymore, because she has ended your relationship.
    3) Get yourself some support to deal with this fallout - from someone other than her. See a counselor. Get in touch with a friend who you trust, and with some more friends just to fill up the time and rebuild your social network.
    4) Take steps to come out, or to distance yourself from this environment that closets you by default. Your closet was a big strain on this relationship and on your own mental health, and while coming out will not resuscitate this one, it may help you to avoid the stressors that caused you to cheat, to lie, end a relationship with someone you loved, etc.

    I hope that your heart heals and that you are able to address what went wrong so that your future relationships can be healthier and happier. Good luck.
     
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  3. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    Even if you propose and she accepts, it's likely for you two to divorce later on (if you, by any chance, get married). Cheating's not okay-I'll spare you the lectures on that. It's your fault to cheat but it's her fault too to want you two get back together. It's unhealthy. You'll end up fighting because even if you two forgive each other, you'll subconsciously try to get back at one another (mostly her, because you cheated and you because she went through your staff, passcodes etc).
    I strongly suggest you move on. You got broken like a vase-you can fix it but you'll always see the parts when it got broken. Getting back together would be a mistake because of trusting issues and lack of forgiveness. Not only this, but you two will waste time when you two could just try to live it the best way possible and find what you're looking for.
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    First, @Lindsrose, I am not going to give you any backlash. We all make mistakes - I certainly have made some bad ones. I am not interested in 'shaming' you for your mistakes. Rather, I encourage you to take an honest look at what you did - and why. Only by facing and changing the 'why' can you get to a different result in future situations.

    To be straight up - I don't see that your ex is giving you any kind of mixed messages. She seems to be clear and consistent in ending things. She has said it hurts too much. Like @lorienczhiu said, one person can end a relationship. Sometimes people do so for 'good' reasons, others do it for impulsive or whimsical reasons - but, no matter the reason, if someone wants to end a relationship, they can.

    I think what you are doing right now is 'bargaining.' You know that there were problems in the relationship, you did things that you feel were wrong. You are hoping that by making 'amends' in the present, that you can save the relationship. Unfortunately, it doesn't really work that way. If the other person doesn't want to try and repair the relationship, then no gesture that you can make will 'fix' the relationship. She has said things hurt too much and no matter of calling her your soulmate, or presenting her with a ring is going to heal her pain.

    The truth is, big gestures don't fix relationships. What fixes them is communication, working through feelings, forgiveness, people changing their behavior, hard work and lots of introspection. She has said that she is not willing to go through this process with you - and there is nothing that you can do about that. You just have to accept that.

    What you can do, however, is work on yourself. You can look at the reasons why 1) you were closeted 2) you slept with a guy 3) you broke up with her rather than coming clean 4) you were unwilling / unable to commit 100% to the relationship until she broke up with you.

    I don't know your back story, but just calling yourself a 'coward' and a 'horrible person' isn't helpful to you. You sound like a regular human being, not a psychopath or a deranged pervert. Regular human beings make mistakes, but they aren't inherently 'horrible.' They can (and want to) learn from their mistakes and get better. But someone like a psychopath - they are horrible people and can not change.

    To be straight forward - I think you are really struggling with being gay. I think part of why you staid in the closet was because of your own inner turmoil. I also think that you slept with a guy in the hope that somehow you were actually straight. It doesn't take amazing perception to see that if you want to have a healthy relationship, you need to come to terms with your sexuality. There are lots of resources to help people come out, including online forums, support groups, meet ups and therapy.

    I am not saying that you have to come out to the whole universe. But you do need to accept your own sexuality. I am a big believer in being out, but I understand that not everyone can be 100% out. However, people can be 100% comfortable with their sexuality and then make decisions about how much / when to come out.

    I think you are bargaining - maybe if you make a big gesture now (a ring) you win her back. Sadly, this avoids the truth. You hurt her badly and she told you that she has had enough, it is over. You didn't hurt her because you are an awful person, you hurt her because you are struggling with your sexuality. But you can't avoid facing that by calling her your soul mate and hoping that puts a band aid on everything. You need to face your sexuality. You need to face your inner fears, sadness, disgust, whatever about being gay. Work through them and get comfortable with yourself.

    Good luck and post as much as you need.
     
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  5. becsgotswag

    becsgotswag Member

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    The other ladies are completely on point. There is no mixed messages. You are trying to salvage what you want to see but she is being pretty open and honest. I will probably sound like an A-hole but... It seems like the relationship has always been about you getting what you want. You cheated and then left because you wanted trust and openness, She wanted you back and you said no because you wanted things to be perfect.... Then after all that she finds messages which im guessing contain things that are inappropriate and you are upset because you have brought a ring? Maybe its time to give her what she wants because i dont think you are in a place to give her what she needs. I agree with the above, focus on yourself. You are kind of all over the place and its not fair to drag people's hearts on strings while you run around trying to work out whats going on in your head and heart. I wouldn't recommend proposing.. the foundation of your relationship is completely destroyed right now... if anything i would offer friendship and spend time working on yourself and proving that you can be the person she needs.

    I do honestly wish you all the best, its extremely hard working out who you are especially when you are trying to work it out around someone else. I promise tho that things get easier once you figure it all out. Dont worry what other people think, do what makes you happy x
     
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  6. JohnnyM0708

    JohnnyM0708 New Member

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    Me and my girlfriend dated for 11 months but then she told me she wanted to be on her own and needed time to find herself and be happy on her own without being tied to anything. She said there wasn't anything else she was hiding and this is honestly how she truly felt. She even said she still cared about me and loved me. I was accepting of the way she felt to make her happy but it has been killing me every single day and I feel disrespected of my own feelings. I want to get back with her but don't know what to do. We haven't cut off all contact. I go to the same gym as her and have talked to her a few times. A few times we talked normally without discussing the relationship, wished her goodluck on her new job, and wished her a happy Easter. The other two times we talked we discussed the relationship and she got aggravated explaining herself again. I'm having trouble seeing her at the gym and being normal Around her because I still have the pain in my heart and I can tell she's trying to be distant and doesn't want to lead me on. I told her it's tough for me to see her and be normal with her and she understood with the feelings still intact . I Know I should probably avoid the gym when she's there. We are still friends on Facebook and instagram but it's tough to not look at her stuff. I still want her back but don't know what to do and I am trying to be the friendly, nice guy but it's hurting me deeply inside to not be with her anymore.

    What should I do if I ever want to have a chance with her again?
     
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  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    This is a website for queer women. While men are welcome here, there are better places to get the heterosexual perspective.

    Honestly, when a girl says she needs space, it's just a polite way of saying she is not attracted to you anymore without hurting your feelings too badly. You stand zero chance of getting back with her.

    Irritating her by asking a bunch of times and making yourself miserable by looking at her social media will not change this. So take the message and the hint and leave the poor girl alone. Move on.
     
    #7
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