Friends forever, or...

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by 309, Nov 1, 2015.

  1. 309

    309 New Member

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    I´ve had a crush on a friend for years. We´re both divorced and we both have children. She used to be my teacher and after I left my course we stayed in touch. I was thrilled to get to be her friend as she is many years my senior and I never thought she´d be interested even in friendship. Whenever we meet I feel like there is something between us, but neither of us ever mentions it. We talk about personal stuff all the time and share a lot on a deep level. Sometimes our eyes lock for a little too long, and whenever we sit and talk, we usually copy each other´s body language. Sometimes we accidentally touch and we always hug whenever we say goodbye. She tells me very personal things about her ex husband, her problems etc, but hasn´t mentioned the fact that one of her children is gay - something I happen to know but she doesn´t know I know. The fact that she hasn´t mentioned it at all is making me think she finds the subject a delicate one. We have never touched upon the subject of homosexuality at all, but discussed a whole range of other matters and become gradually more open over the years.

    We go out to dinner and have some wine sometimes but it kind of stops there. Afterwards we go our separate ways as we live a couple of hours away from each other and never visit each other´s home. We text sometimes and follow each other on Facebook but that´s about it. I don´t know if I even think it could go any further. I know I´d like to get even closer but I also don´t want to lose her as a friend. I´m certain she´d never come out if she is actually bisexual, and I have no desire to come out either, but I´d be very happy to have a relationship with her that only the two of us know about. But how? I´d rather stay just friends than risk losing her altogether. Stupid and cowardly, maybe. I´m not sure what I´m trying to ask here - perhaps I´d just like to know if anyone else is in a similar situation? I´m happy to receive constructive advice but if you´re against the idea of staying in the closet, please move on.
     
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  2. Narley

    Narley Well-Known Member

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    Ok so maybe it's just the way you've written this post but I'm not really seeing any major signals from your friend that she's interested. All the bits and pieces you did mention could simply be construed as a platonic friendship, or should I say are more Likely to be completely innocent. I think the fact that she hasn't mentioned that her child is gay is possibly because she wants her kid to have a bit of privacy about it. Or doesn't feel the need to discuss it with you. I'm pretty sure my parents don't really talk to their mates about my personal life. If they do want to say something to someone, they've always asked me first. My point is it's more a parent child thing rather than an indication that she's gay. If you want to get a clearer picture of her sexuality then maybe you'll have to bring the topic up yourself. In a neutral sense, as in don't try and open a conversation about her kid. Maybe just mention that you've been wanting to go to try this gay bar/cafe and ask if she'd be opposed to coming along with you. See what she says.
     
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  3. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    Like @Narley,test with waters with convo.Put it out there and ask what she thinks of gay people or put on a hypothetical situation to say,a friend of mine is in-love with a friend etc.....Take it from there.What I do know is that if somebody really wants to be with you,then it won't take long.Good Luck!
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I am not seeing anything that says your friend is attracted to you. Friends can have a lot of emotional intimacy, without having any sexual attraction or desire. Eyes locking or hugs aren't exactly a sure fire sign of attraction.

    As for the closeted bit - obviously, it is your right if you want to stay closeted. People do have compelling reasons to stay in the closet - young adults financially dependent on homophobic parents, people who are likely to face physical violence if they came out, etc...

    That being said, there are down sides to being in the closet and to being in closeted relationships.

    One down side to being in the closet is, it isn't very easy to meet girlfriends. Which can result in falling for lots of straight, unavailable friends.
     
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  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Sometimes we see what we want to see. It's entirely possible that the locking of the eyes, the accidental touching is wholly innocent from her perspective and you could be projecting a lot more into those random moments than what is actually there. A sort of...wishful thinking, if you will. You might be holding onto moments -- noticed by you -- which mean nothing to her. There's really no way to tell unless you talk about it -- and even then, would she be honest?

    Your friendship seemingly might have more "intimacy" given the fact that you share a lot of personal stuff -- but that doesn't give me any indication that this woman wants anything other than friendship from you. We don't even know if she has a same sex crush -- let alone whether she'd ever act on one. Perhaps the both of you are so close by virtue of your respective divorces, etc?

    As for staying in the closet -- I don't begrudge anyone her choices (having had a tumultuous past myself with identity issues). If, however, you're feeling something quantifiable from her end that we're not getting from your post...then maybe talk about it, in a delicate way with her..i.e. not about your crush per se but the topic of same sex crushes in general..and see how she reacts. You can push the envelope a little bit and potentially learn a lot without exposing yourself or risking the friendship.
     
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  6. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    You situation sounds familiar, and not uncommon at all. This website is prof of it. I think maybe a better question would be ... do you want to do something about this? Do you want to figure out whether she is interested/curious? If you do, you could start by talking about gay issues/topics, and perhaps go from there.
     
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  7. 309

    309 New Member

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    Thanks all of you for insightful and intelligent and at least part compassionate advice and viewpoints. I really appreciate you taking the time although this clearly isn´t one of those nail-biting threads with a promise of a great entertaining love story unfolding.... I do realise that my OP didn´t give any reason to think that the crush is mutual. However in real life I do feel that she is very fond of me and my guess is that she does wonder sometimes if there is something more between us but that she would never in a million years venture out into the unknown by letting anything on. She is very happy on the safe side of the street and I am compelled to comply and just stay friends with her forever amen....because I just cannot bear the thought of being without her. She is extremely shy and keeps herself to herself, and her agreeing to see me after I´d left the course was a very welcome shock, I can tell you. Even now that we know each other fairly well I´m amazed to hear her confide in me and I feel so humble to have been graced with her friendship and trust. Our hugs are sometimes long and there is some blushing on both our parts. Sometimes we stumble upon words and on one occasion when I was bold enough to utter "I will miss you terribly" at the end of one of our nights out (after two or three glasses of wine), she looked at me and said slowly "so will I..." and kept looking into my eyes. Unfortunately I am an idiot and got really scared and said "Oh OK, good night then" and left....so, as you can see, hope is frail that anything will ever happen. I still enjoy her company immensely and I just want to have her in my life, even if nothing ever happens beyond friendly hugs.

    Her not talking about her gay child is odd because she shares private issues well deeper than that sort of thing.
     
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  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    8675...309, love is grand and the way you love this person is beautiful even though it may not develop into something romantic. She could be the one who is a precursor to that special someone who will return your attention. She may not talk about her kids to you perhaps because she feels embarrassed about something, probably not his sexuality but maybe her relationship with him was on the rocks. Maybe tell her about an old same sex crush you had when you were younger and see what her reactions are. Talk to her about your parent's views on gay marriage.
     
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  9. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    How wonderful,gracious and dignified you have been in all this.You have put her feelings first which is the bedrock of true love.Keep her in your life with your continued love and understanding,knowing full well your friendship will not go beyond anything.Clearly,you are not crushing but are in-love.I believe you will get your just reward in time....even if its with someone else!
     
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  10. kickjessica

    kickjessica Member

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    Well in this case i would love to believe that there is something going on between you two.
    Given the fact that your friendship is really intimate and stuff, and the whole avoiding-gay-talk thing, gives me the impression that perhaps there is a chance that she has feelings for you, though a clear picture is yet revealed. Since she is kinda shy and passive, I think you can initiate some kind of actions to see if she is into women, like pretending unconsciously touching her elbow or other body parts as physical contact is really natural among female good friends; and openly bringing up the gay topic or asking her for advice saying you are feeling like try same sex relationship after the divorce.
     
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