First girlfriend/love....back again.

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by u-45597280, Sep 16, 2016.

?

Should I continue the relationship

  1. Yes

  2. No

  3. I'm on the fence with this one.

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  1. u-45597280

    u-45597280 Member

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    I'll try and get to the point fast here.

    About 6-7 years ago I fell in love with my first girlfriend, all was well but unfortunately she had a bit of a troubled past that she couldn't seem to escape from no matter how good I felt my comforting & patience was and although I still had feelings for her the on again off again, lack of contact (talking one message a week), and inability to make her feel comfortable in her insecurities ensured our departure from each other's lives for four years until recently (we dated for 2yrs) Throughout the 4yrs not seeing each other there would have been the odd message or two, mainly from her.

    Recently we were messaging and resulted in us seeing each other again and becoming intimate again with one another. I had apparently been discribed to her friends by her as the one that got away and she even admitted herself that she had a tendency to run away from me and that this time she wanted to make it work.

    I'm all for it because to me she is the love of my life and id like nothing more than to live a long and prosperous life with her. About 2-3 weeks in and I've got the feeling that already those signs of running away are back. She requested that it's going to fast and to take it slow, to which I agreed. She doesn't want to become intimate again for a while, again I agreed.
    I've given her some space and ceased contacting her for a few days, but the initial enthusiasm of the relationship messaging has gone and (thanks to the power of social media) I know she's read the messages I've sent or been online and again takes a day or two to reply.

    I suffer from anxiety and this has me in complete paranoid mode.
    Part of me wants to end it because I feel that I'll never get the kind of commitment I want from her, part of me wants to be patient (yet again) and try it. It's still early days but I dunno advise me please!
     
    #1
  2. Gyldenragg

    Gyldenragg Well-Known Member

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    Cut her loose. A relationship should be give and take, but to me it sounds like you've done most of the giving. Both in the past and yet again now. Of course everyone will have their issues and periods where they require more support from their partner, and I'm all for being supportive/patient etc, but still within the dymanics of an overall healthy relationship. This, to me, does not sound like a healthy one.

    Do yourself a favour and focus on yourself rather than investing all that energy in her. Eventually you'll find someone who loves you without making you feel insecure, pushing you away or any of that unnecessary nonsense you are now 'taking' just because you think you have to.
     
    #2
    greylin likes this.
  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Okay. Realistically, she may never be able to give you the commitment you are asking for. Your past patterns are strong; the habit of you giving her chances and her running away sounds pretty well established. Your fear about what she is going to do - and the resulting anxiety and paranoia that this relationship is already causing you - is built on history and habit. So, I offer you what is quickly becoming my favorite question to ask people in sticky relationships: If this is the situation in a month, in a year, in five years - her being reluctant to commit, you being afraid that she's going to run again - is that okay with you? If this relationship is one made of your patience and her conflicting desire to stay and to run, if that is the storm that is hovering, is that okay with you? Are the good and joyful things that she brings you worth it if this situation doesn't change - or does your happiness and desire to be with her depend on a stability and commitment, an absence of "signs of running," that she may not be able to offer you?

    Your answer may be different than mine. You may say no; what you want from being with her might require this to change, and the possibility that it won't (which is real and present and affecting you deeply) might be too scary and painful. Or you may say yes; time with her is worth it, even if this isn't the long-term and committed lifelong partnership that you were imagining, and you are willing to imagine something different. Whatever your answer, make sure that you are seeing the relationship as it is, since it's not reasonable or fair to ask people to change or compromise their needs. If she wants to go slow, wait on intimacy, have lots of distance and space, and that's a pattern that she needs to build into this relationship, she gets to ask for that - and you should only say yes to it if it's something that you are really willing to do.

    The other thing that I offer is this: that wanting something to work - believing someone to be the love of your life - and it actually working - that person offering you the kind of loving partnership that will sustain and support you - are two different things entirely. I hear very much that this first love of yours was serious and mutual, but the thing that draws us into a relationship and the things that allow us to sustain one are very, very different. The former is there, but the latter is missing, and without building those skills and habits and understandings, love and wanting it to work is just not enough. So what is going to make this time different than last time? The feeling that draws you together, your desire for it to work - that's the same. The difference must be in the actual partnership you build.

    The difference cannot just be in you - more patience, more understanding, more accommodating her needs and histories and issues (though there may be ways you want to be different this time around). She also needs to think about you, and how she loves and supports you, how she is there for you, how she shows you that she will not run, how she asks for what she needs, how she deals with crisis. Those are changes you can ask for, and they are reasonable and good, and she does not have to say yes or may not have the capacity to say yes. But before you decide to get on the merry-go-round again, look very hard at whether you are just repeating old patterns. Think about it yourself, and talk to her about it, and let her think about it. What is different, about you, her, and you and her together? If your honest answer is "nothing," then I think your instincts to back off are good.

    And a final caveat. If that uncertainty, that not knowing, that worrying about her running - if that is so paralyzing that your experience of being with her is more anxiety-producing than joyful, that is a perfectly okay reason to go "Yeah, you know what, nope." Even if she is trying; even if you love her. Your mental health and emotional state and stability matter her, and you don't have to endanger yourself just to gamble one more time.
     
    #3
    rainydaze and greylin like this.

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