First date regrets

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Sisterseven, May 5, 2015.

  1. Sisterseven

    Sisterseven New Member

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    Hi all.
    I was in a 7 and a half year relationship until this year and so have finally got myself out there. I met literally the most amazing woman online and after a week of constant talking, we finally met up for lunch. I did no flirting whatsoever (think I've forgotten how to) and apart from the general chat flowing, it did feel uncomfortable. I don't know whether she just didn't fancy me or whether I was giving the wrong signals. Basically, I was pretty damn useless!
    Her message after was that she felt there was 'no chemistry at all' and when suggesting maybe another date in better circumstances, she just said she's going with her gut instinct.

    I literally cannot stop thinking about her. She's my actual perfect woman in every single sense and after all of our talking, i honestly think we would be perfect togther. I'm annoyed at myself for not being a better date and ruining my chance.

    Should I just leave it and move on? Should I leave it for a while? Should I ask if she found me attractive or if she wasn't interested from the start?
    Any thoughts?

     
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    Last edited: May 5, 2015
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Jesus. If someone sent that to me it would creep me the fuck out. That's like jumping from first date spark to U-Haul intensity.

    I think it's fair to email and just say that you were really nervous and ask if you can see her once more. Pick something low key, like coffee and a stroll around the artsy part of town. Tell her if the chemistry isn't better this time that you gals can agree it's better to just be friends.

    She might say no. She might say - ok, 1 more chance. But honestly, she might not have been attracted to you from the moment you met in person, hence the lack of chemistry.
     
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  3. Sisterseven

    Sisterseven New Member

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    Haha bluenote.. You made me laugh out loud. Totally get that. I've been accused of not being romantic in the past so I suppose I was just trying to be for once. I wasn't going to send it her. Just maybe get it out there somehow.
    I said about another date which is when she said about going with her gut reaction but I didn't say why I was so bad or how I went wrong. If it was no attraction then fair enough, it'd be nice to know though. She's honestly the perfect one for me and I've met a good few!!
     
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  4. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    Well she obviously likes you enough to give it another go. That's a really great sign.

    Maybe go out for a drink (or a coffee if you don't drink). That was my go to first date. It casual, relaxed, there's a small time limit if things don't go well but a casual hint at the possibility of dinner if things do go well.

    Try not to be so nervous, I know it's hard when you really like someone. And try and flirt just a little, it can help open up the chemistry :)
     
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  5. Sisterseven

    Sisterseven New Member

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    Thanks gabby. She hasn't said yes to another go, unfortunately. Sorry if I've confused. She said her gut instinct was no.. I was hoping to be able to convince her otherwise though.
    The first date was lunch with no drinks and felt quite formal and a bit like a work lunch :(
     
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  6. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    Ah sorry I must of misread :( let it go then. It's annoying when you think you've found someone great but they just aren't feeling it.

    I'd use it as a lesson learn of what doesn't work well for you and to be honest, perhaps she sound good on paper but wasn't the right for anyway!
     
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  7. ThoughtsAnonymous

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    I'm sorry to hear it didn't go as you'd hoped. I was in the exact same situation a few months ago, and I have to say kudos to you for asking for a second chance! Hopefully getting the courage to do it this time will make you feel braver in similar (hopefully better resulting!!) situations in the future. Good luck with everything!
     
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  8. fridolph

    fridolph Member

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    Don't loose hope. It was only your first date. If you are really serious about that girl then, do more effort to see her again. Prove that her gut instinct is wrong.
     
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  9. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I'm going to put it a little more bluntly. She said there was no chemistry. That could be her nice way of putting that she's just not into you, period. How you acted may have had very little to do with her perception of you. And you said it yourself: it did feel uncomfortable.

    That after 1 date you think she's the perfect woman for you is also very weird and could have been another red flag for her. You almost seem desperate for another relationship (that would send me running too).

    The point is...take what she says at face value. Pressing the issue when she doesn't want another date may make you look a bit stalkerish.
     
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    Last edited: May 6, 2015
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  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    I've been thinking on this.

    I agree with @Spygirl, if she says no chemistry then respect her decision to not want to pursue it any further. Move on and date some more, learn from your previous mistakes and you'll start to feel more comfortable when dating.
     
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  11. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I do agree with @Spygirl that it is a bit weird to think someone is perfect after chatting with them online for a few weeks, then having one uncomfortable date.

    I didn't bring it up because I gave the op the benefit of the doubt. Like that she meant 'oh, this girl is perfect for me on paper,' or 'we share a lot of intrests, hobbies and goals.'
     
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  12. Avatar Korra

    Avatar Korra Member

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    There are people that you can't know them as much as you like to believe, even after living together for years.
    "She's my actual perfect woman in every single sense " I am not telling you what you should feel, be my guest and call her the oxygen of your lungs, but you don't know her after several conversations; for example, how she would handle you at your worst moments or she might have sided with Floyd Mayweather and if I were you, I won't date such person :))
    Lots of people have a bright smile and a warming voice if you understand what I'm saying, they are nice, almost anyone is nice in the beginning because we are strangers, but many turn out to be just lessons in life. My point is: do not rush into such beliefs because in a week of chatting and a date, you haven't been through many things together and see how she is and if there's no chemistry, then is just a huge waste of time and a chance to get yourself hurt.
     
    #12

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