Finding women to date

Discussion in 'Advice on Meeting Women' started by TheeeBecca, Jul 19, 2013.

  1. TheeeBecca

    TheeeBecca Member

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    Ok, so I don't know about you but I am having the worst luck at finding girls. My love life for a while now has been non-existent. I'm beginning to think that maybe it's because I'm femme- now hear me out. 1. I have basically zero gay dar to begin with so that's not really helpful 2. Most people when I came out to them were shocked to hear that I'm gay because I don't "act or look gay" , which I have basically taken to mean that girls will probably not approach me because they assume I'm straight? I don't know... I've tried OkCupid (I know. I know...it's kinda awful, but I really am getting tired of being single. it's not really fun anymore) and no luck there so far. I was wondering if there are any other free dating websites that are decent or places you might know of (in the Chicago land area specifically) where I could meet other lesbians? Or just any advice would be appreciated.
    Thanks!

    (Also, I should note, I'm not 21 yet so that does tend to limit things)
     
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  2. ImaKnuff

    ImaKnuff Active Member

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    Why didn't I reside near Chicago :)...
     
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  3. Smash

    Smash Member

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    Just give it some time is the best advice I can give you. I've been single for the last 3 years and when I did have relationships, it was always some internet mess haha I get the whole "you don't look or act gay" thing too....and you know, sometimes things don't always end up going your way, i.e. folks going up to you and saying, "hey, let's date!" So I say, you take the steps necessary and going up to folks yourself. You don't have to go to bars or clubs to hit up the ladies, I'm sure there's a hotspot somewhere. haha Heck, I live in California and having the worst luck still! Just gotta hang in there.
     
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  4. Landi

    Landi Member

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    I am not a femme or a butch. I'm somewhere tastefully in the middle ;) Buuuuuuut, most people I meet still assume I am straight. So I don't exactly have women approaching me either. Annnnnd, it IS really hard to determine whether another girl is straight or not (I like feminine girls), so I try not to approach girls I find attractive. It's a really touchy thing... like, why can't we all have a label haha But, there are other things that you can do. Internet dating IS one of them. However, there is going to areas where mostly lesbians hang out... you could probably find those things online. There's also hittin' up the GLBT center in your town or at your school. I wish you luck! But remember, sometimes we are single because we need to be. You've got to be a go-getter in our community, unfortunately. The love of you life doesn't fall into your lap for everyone!
     
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  5. alarminglycharming

    alarminglycharming Active Member

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    Chicago has a lot of LGBT friendly meetup groups. I haven't actually been to any yet because I travel constantly and never seem to be in town when they happen so I can't vouch for them, but one of these days I'll make it.
     
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  6. bpressler

    bpressler Member

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    I'm totally with you on not having any luck. I don't seem to have any sight on if a person is gay or not as well, so that doesn't help...along with the fact that I live in a small town in Texas. I shall keep hoping that one day someone will come along!!
     
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  7. falfal

    falfal Member

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    I am having the same problem and I live in LA!!! I also am girly and don't look "gay" I guess so it's hard for me too because I don't get approached randomly by girls. Even when i'm in known gay places like bars and clubs I will get looks but never really approached or if I do it's not by someone I would really be interested in.

    Very frustrating, I tried online - okcupid, but still with no luck and I am just not into the whole online dating scene...it's just not for me. I'm tired of going to the West Hollywood typical lesbian places and having no luck. I have horrible gay dar so meeting someone in a 'regular' place is kind of impossible but luckily I am more into studs so it's kind of easy to spot them out but not all the time.

    I'm starting to think that all the good women who I think are attractive & would want to date are taken. Sigh.

    xo
     
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  8. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Maybe random, waiting, and bars work for some people; shared interests have always worked for me.

    Meetup.com. Search "queer" or "LGBT" or "lesbian." I guarantee you will find queer crafters, dancers, hikers, singles, beer lovers, book nerds, and bicyclists. Not to mention every other hobby under the sun! (My local meetups for queers include: contra, tango, knitting, charity work, trail running, and support groups. And that's just what I can think of right now. I'm sure that in Chicago there will be plenty to choose from).

    Choose a group that interests you; gird your loins (metaphorically), and show up. Not only will you meet queer women who maybe you'll hit it off with, you'll make friends with shared interests and grow your gay network.
     
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  9. jaysea

    jaysea Well-Known Member

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    I have the same problem as well. I'm in LA and have been single for quite some time. I've tried the whole online thing several sites and several meetups and I've concluded that its just not for me. I'm not really butch or femme I fall in the middle but it's 50/50 as far as people assuming whether I'm gay or straight. Some get it right some dont. My gaydar is horrible so I don't really approach women cause I can never tell if they're into girls. Also I feel like I'm not necessarily anyone's type. I feel like the girls that I'm into are either into super femme girls like themselves or they're into studs and I don't fit either of those categories. It sucks :(
     
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  10. Brandy Alexander

    Brandy Alexander Well-Known Member

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    I'm unable to sing the praises of "online" dating with that being said a free dating website you may want to check out is Plenty of Fish at www.pof.com I will spare you the warnings. I will sum up every misgiving I have with PLEASE practice caution!

    I truly wish I lived in the Chicago area! There are tons of women from the Chicago area looking for love. Although, I'm only 4 hours away in Mid-Michigan for a serious relationship that's too far.

    Don't expect miracles. Take your time and build a friendship first. Any woman worth her weight in salt will take the time to build a friendship. Good Luck!
     
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  11. EmilyB123

    EmilyB123 Member

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    Hard to know whos straight, gay or bisexual

    Hey,

    I would like to point out that this is my first forum post ever. I'm a lesbian in what I think is becoming quite a lonely England, I'm not one for hitting the bars and not a huge fan of the scene because of all the incest and shared personal adventures. I'm a femme girl and always get shocked faces when I say my ex, she did this and she did that. I guess in the world we live in today sexuality is very open but yet still frowned upon and so many feminine girls that do not look fit the gay stereotype stay indoors and dont shout from the roof tops thay they love women. Is it just me or is there more non stereotypical people can i say the right side of normal.. out there that fear if they do not walk into a gay scene that they be alone for a while? I guess we all talk about being gay and loving women and idealising celebs that have come out but still inside of us we fear that we wiill never be accepted in the eyes of onlookers? When i watched ellen and portia in live interviews it actually filled me with hope, hope that real love between women does exist and that the connection we all yearn for is for the majority of the time about the person not the body they live in. I feel like this is becoming more of a philisophical rant but I just wanted to see if i was in fact alone in finding it hard to meet like minded lesbians that dont shout to the world that they are gay and end up more in straight bars with straight friends then putting themselves out there in a situation where you could meet someone who shares your story.
     
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  12. Lucie

    Lucie Member

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    Hey!
    I'm in the same boat as the rest of you. There are two things that make my single life bearable: a gay meet-up group in my city and an app called Brenda.

    Here is how it's working out for me:

    1. I used to be on the committee of an LGBTQ society when I lived in England so when I moved to Prague almost 2 years ago, I also wanted to continue being active in a local gay community. The first meeting I went to was dreadful. It was a room full of guys, no one said a word to me, I had to sit through a 3-hour long black and white movie in Polish and before leaving, someone subtly mentioned their meet-up group was not for girls. A couple of months later, I came across another society and have been an active member ever since because the members were lovely and took me in. Although I am the only girl there, I get to be myself and I have also made many great friends. So my advice here is to contact a member of a local LGBTQ society and ask them if you could join.

    2. There's an app made by lesbians for lesbians called Brenda. It shows you people near you, you can send messages to people who you like and it's free and user-friendly. Now, my longest conversation was about Lost Girl and lasted all of three messages. I also get far too many "Hey!" messages from girls in their underwear (nothing against girls in underwear but I don't even know you, please put some clothes on!) - but, you know, better than no messages at all.
     
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  13. Redwings32

    Redwings32 Member

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    I go to college in the UP, so I understand not being able to meet women. It's hard when you live in a small town and go to a school that is mostly guys. You just gotta keep trying, even if it does get frustrating at times.
     
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  14. Chrystele

    Chrystele Well-Known Member

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    Well it seems that the "you don't look like a lesbian" is a universal plague : same for me in Paris region, France.

    At new year's eve party, the party was organised by a couple of friends. I got eye contact with a woman : cute, feminine with an attractive smile. But I caught a piece of conversation and guessed she was straight. Most of the women there were lesbian girls from the same LGBT group (included myself) and their friends, only one guy with his girlfriend and very few straight girls...

    More eye contact, smiles... and after a while she's dancing next to me and asking for my name. I started to have a small hope that I might have misunderstood and that she might be... well interested in me... Her next question is "You seem to know a lot of people here ?". - "Well almost everybody since we are part of the same lesbian group, and I know some people from the Gay and Lesbian Centre". Then she is really, really confused and she rambled on "I... I only came with a friend, I'm not gay. So you're a lesbian, but you're so feminine you don't look like a lesbian". I reply, showing a friend of mine who's very "femme" : "Well Laure is feminine too and she is gay". Answer was : "No with her you can tell" (assuming that you can't with me...).

    So that was it : she wanted to talk to a straight fellow, feeling alone in a gay party... :|
     
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  15. Brandy Alexander

    Brandy Alexander Well-Known Member

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    I envy the ladies, who live in a city big enough to have LGBT bars or clubs where I always envision acquiring the ability to just ask a beautiful girl what her dating preference is, however, in all honesty that scenario isn't going to happen. I'm back to the drawing board...looking for answers.. I seriously think we here on AE need to come up with a universal saying to identify other lesbians...especially when they're feminine. Remember back in the day of "The L Word" and how they tried to start "A big coffee drinker" as code for being gay? We certainly don't have to use coffee as a reference point. That might prove confusing with Starbucks on every other corner, however, something would help. Think of it as a spy movie. One spy asks a specific question and the second spy replies with a specific answer thereby identifying both parties as family members.

    Seriously, AE needs to come up with a list of possibilities and post them for us to vote on them. Or it could be a two posting process where AE users submit possibilities and then we vote on the best options.

    *Redwings32: are you at Tech? I love the Tech area! I've spent many nights crawling home from KBC.
     
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  16. leah224

    leah224 Active Member

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    I guess I'm kinda late to this thread but anyway, I've got the same problem (too feminine to seem gay) and am stuck in a very small town. I go to a local community college where the lesbian dating pool probably consists of 3 people, maybe. Am pretty much resigned to biding my time until I can transfer to a college in a bigger city to even try looking for girls to date, but these posts aren't giving me much hope for that either.
    I don't dress too femininely, and I always feel that my personality radiates 'sapphic vibes' but I may just be delusional. Also I get very nervous even talking to a girl I find attractive in normal everyday settings.
    This is my first post on here and it feels like a train wreck, but anyway, if any of you find the mysterious hidden big secret solution to finding women to date whilst "looking straight", please let me know.
    Sincerely,
    A Big Coffee Drinker[highlight][/highlight]
     
    #16
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  17. summer_flower

    summer_flower Member

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    I hear from a lot of my straight friends how hard it is to find someone to date, so I think it can be difficult no matter what the circumstances. I think it takes a lot of effort to find someone, and you need to give it 110%.

    Join every LGBT club there is on meet up, or anywhere else you can find something. Go to bars, even if you hate it, join every dating website out there. And most importantly, be out! We all need to be out and show the world we do exist (unless of course you are putting yourself in danger). You never know who has a friend or sister who is also sitting at home trying to figure out how to meet someone. Maybe even someone you know is gay, but afraid to be out, and you could be missing an opportunity.

    Make it a priority to meet as many people as possible, both gay and straight. The more people you know, the more chances you will have to meet a love interest. Join clubs, go to networking events. and when someone asks if you have a boyfriend, just be honest and say something like "no, but if you know of any cute girls that are looking for a girlfriend...". Hardly anyone cares anymore if you are gay, especially in the younger crowd. And if they do care, perhaps you can change their mind!

    As a femme, I am mistaken for straight all the time, but I try to be as open as possible about being married to a woman. We have come a long way, but we still have a way to go. Let's not rely on "secret signals" to show we are gay, just be open about it :)
     
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  18. darkslyrose

    darkslyrose Well-Known Member

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    I might not be of much help in this situation cause I'm basically in the same boat, my straight girlfriends want to take me to gay clubs and whatever but I think I'd rather try it on my own. My suggestion really would be to just see what's out there, online dating sites are good for talking to girls though I just get wary since it's not in person and you don't know if who you're talking to is who they say they are, um.. definitely seeking out the LGBT center. Things like that, I totally don't look like I'm a lesbian but I don't think you need to actually have a specific look for going off to try to meet other women; just my opinion.

    Bit of a weird ramble, but that's alright.
     
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  19. irinimaria

    irinimaria New Member

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    I am really jealous of women in big cities... i live in an island in Greece where being gay is just not an option...although we welcome gay tourists nobody here is gay (at least not out). i could really come out and nobody would actually understand what i am saying.. That of course makes finding the other half a bit difficult.. i have tried some dating sites (i know) but they are so disappointing.. it makes even more difficult that my appearance and attitude is completely str8, when i came out to some friends there were <<ok this is a joke>>. i have considered moving from the island but my work is high earning and money might not make the world go round but it sure pays the bills. Even when i was studying in Athens i was not confident enough to go to gay bars by myself, all my friends and circles are completely str8. I would love to live in a city like San Francisco.. just to be me
     
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  20. WaterBaby

    WaterBaby Member

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    I can definitely relate to everyone on here. I'm in CA and yes, it's still difficult. If you were to see me out in public, you wouldn't get the vibe that I'm into girls. Do I need to put a sticker on my forehead?? Haha I never had a girlfriend, so I'm not exactly sure on how to even meet women. Sure the gay bar/club, but that's not my scene. And there's a LGBT group on my campus, but I'm always kinda shy at first so it's weird to just pop in the middle of semester and not know anyone. I tried phone apps, but they can be sketchy. I want to actually meet people, like in person.
    -Clueless :?
     
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