finally she´s pregnant...but i´m jealous of him

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by c.j, Apr 10, 2015.

  1. c.j

    c.j New Member

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    hi everyone i could really use some advice....
    "sorry for my english"

    so finally after 3 long years my girlfriend is pregnant. we are together since more than 4 years. from the beginning of our relationship i told her that i want more kids i already have a daughter from my ex husband."was married to a man and soon realised that guy´s are not what i want so i changed the sides"
    she´s been with women who had kids too but she never really thought about haveing some of her own. so we talked and i told her it would be great if she would have a baby with me and our family would get bigger. she loves kids so we found a gay friend that would help us out. we tried it almost every month. but it never worked. we asked the doctor if someting is wrong with her so she got checked out and everything was ok. shes 38 years old so she totally felt her clock ticking to get pregnant very soon before its to late. we decided to look for a new gay couple. maybe our first guy just wasn´t right. eventhough he got checked too and his sperm was ok.....pretty soon we found a gay couple and we got to know eachother. well not that good...we saw us 2 or 3 times. after he got checked out from the doctor we tried it with him. they seem really nice and it always accured to us that our baby needs to know his father and that the father should be a part of his life. so after the first attempt it finally happend. i came home we ate breakfast and she showed me the positiv pregnancy test. at first i was so happy that it finally happend. we tried so many times... she cried a lot because she thought it was her fault that she couldnt get pregnant.
    but than i realised that i started to get jealous of him. it really drives me crazy to have those feelings. i know that two women can´t have a baby on their own and that there needs to be a father or donor. but it really hurts that she has that connection to somebody else. i know she´s not with or into him and that he is not into her...he´s happy married with his huband. their connection is because of the baby but i just can´t stand it. i don´t know what is wrong with me. i told her my feelings two months ago. she already felt that there was someting wrong with me and we talked about it. but we somehow don´t agree. she understands that im feeling this way but it was my decision to know the father. if it was up to her she would have taken a anonymous donor. but i couldn´t do this to the baby. i grew up without knowing my dad so i wanted my kids to now their dad. its totally crazy but somehow i feel betrayed. i just can´t stop those feelings. a couple days ago we had a doctors appointment. and we saw the little baby in her belly. she´s 4 months pregnant. it was so exciting to see...but as we walked to the car i thought about him....how happy he will be as soon she´s sending him those pictures with her phone....at least he won´t be showing up for those appointments i thought. i know that he and is husband really want to meet up and talk about a few things but right know i just can´t be in a room with him. i even deleted him from facebook. its so frustrating to have those feelings. i can´t shut them off. everybody tells me that there is no reason for me to be jealous of him. that i will spend more time with the baby. hear the first words...see the first steps...be there when she gives birth. that the baby wouldn´t exist without me or us. but that just doesnt seem to help. its pretty hard on our relationship right now. we dont talk...i´m pretty much to myself. we argue so much. its really not got for her and her pregnancy so i just shut down. i love her so much...i would say she´s the love of my life. i really want to fix this. but i don´t now how...and to tell you this, i don´t even have the right to be jealous. i had a husband. my daughter was made the original way if you know what i mean. he lives across the street. we don´t see him much but he is there. and my girlfriend is jealous and i totally get it now. at the beginning it really got on my nerves because she always got jealous about him. but i always tell her that this is different. when we met she knew from the beginning that my ex husband still is a part of my life because of our daughter.
    i on the otherside had her 4 years all to myself and now it feels like i have to share her....
    what do you think?
     
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  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    You have MAJOR issues. And you'll be lucky if this doesn't push your wife away. You're acting extremely immature and should've thought of the consequences before you went down this road.

    Seriously, what did you THINK would happen if you decided to have a baby with someone you knew? YOU wanted that baby to have involvement with the father. YOU wanted to know the father, so now you have to live with the consequences. If you're acting this way now, then it's only going to get worse. Maybe you should get some kind of therapy or something because this man will be part of your wife's life (whether you are or not) for at least the next 18 years or more. You're being totally irrational and maybe you weren't ready to have kids with this woman if you can't handle that the baby came into being with the father being known. I won't even get into a discussion of the legal implications here....

    There's no other way to put it delicately. Get a grip and get yourself help or you risk losing this relationship. Personally, jealousy is a huge turn off for me. Your wife deserves better because this is not her fault.
     
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  3. noedee

    noedee Active Member

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    I agree with Spygirl. You need to step it up BIG time.

    You have decided to have a baby with your girlfriend, you are going to be a parent again, so stop thinking about yourself and start thinking of the baby that you are bringing into this world. Get some therapy to help you, but in the meantime just stop sabotaging your family in the making. By acting the way you are, you are endangering your relationship and therefore endangering the environment your baby is about to be born into.

    If you love your wife like you say you do, you really need to start thinking about her more and about yourself less. She is carrying your baby, she will be going through an emotional and physical roller coaster, she does NOT need you to make things harder for her.

    Shape up, do what it takes to work on your issues, and remember it's not just about you anymore!!
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I agree with everyone else. It's pretty straightforward- you feel possessive about your gf. Now that she has been with someone else, you are rejecting her. You are treating her like damaged goods, or like she has been 'ruined' by all this.

    But you wanted it. You wanted a kid. You wanted the kids' dad in your life. You wanted her to have the baby.

    @Spygirl is right. You need to quit being an immature drama queen and step up. You have a pregnant gf and a baby on the way. Yet your concern is about blocking the baby daddy on fb. Really? Really?

    This isn't about you anymore. You don't get to say 'oh, oops, I didn't know this would upset me. I'm gonna deal with it by checking out on my family.' You get to suck up your feelings and go support your gf and kid. Yeah, get some therapy.

    But you need to change your mindset as much as you need therapy. You need to start acting like a parent- someone who takes responsibility- emotionally, not just $ for your gf and kid. Maybe you regret the situation now, but you don't get to just walk away. You have to suck it up and deal with it. Quit using "jealousy " as an excuse to bail on your gf and kid.
     
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  5. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    Didn't you guys talk about this before you decided on everything? And when I say 'you guys', that includes the donor and his husband.

    I agree with everyone, you are being unfair to your gf and the donor couple. I strongly recommend you talk this out with a professional before it's too late. This problem is not only affecting you but everyone's. Including your baby.
     
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    From the way I am reading this, C.J., it sounds like you know you have a big problem with your feelings and you just don't know how to deal with it? Perhaps the only way is to assure your gf first off that you will deal with your feelings and you will always be with her and the baby. You can assure her that even though you have a crisis it is only in your head and it will fade as you take steps to deal with it. You and your family is healthy, and you are acknowleging your feelings and it is a good first step. You have been through a pregnancy before, right now it is all about your gf, her health, her happiness and her state of mind. Tell her that you sometimes just need a minute to yourself to regroup when these feelings trigger. Tell her that if she needs you even in those minutes you will be right by her side.

    This is fixable, going to a professional if they are available is a really good idea. I think you guys had thought it all through but you just didn't expect to feel this way. Sometimes when I have a really bad thought, I know it is temporary and I know sometimes it is intensified by my hormones and I tell myself that I would worry about it later. That helps me a lot and I tell myself, hey, I will do all this fun thing first and I will give myself the permission to worry about it afterwards. Then later, I may push it off even further until my anxiety or bad thoughts dissapate. This is good for having anxiety and bad feelings when there are no real basis or cause to them. You know your gf is doing nothing wrong and this is all in your head and you can deal with it. I met a priest once who is like the happiest guy on earth even though he gets crud thrown at him day in and out minstering to people. He deals with real issues the right way but when it is his own anxiety, he does a simple chant. Maybe you can sing a song that is a happy song in these occasions when you are anxious, it would fit into the delay, avoidance, letting it dissapate and not take root kind of strategy I am suggesting. Good luck, C.J., my best wishes to your family and hope you can truly find joy and happiness with this very soon.
     
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  7. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    You think sharing her with a donor is hard? You're going to be sharing her with your baby soon, and that little mofo is going to be monopolizing waaaaay more of her time and energy. But that's what you wanted, right? You wanted to create a family, a wider, richer net of love. In your case, that's you and your girlfriend and your child and your donor and his partner. So, you're getting a family, and you're losing control and privacy.

    That's what parenthood is. It's deciding that the bigger thing is more important than your own individual wants and needs. It's deciding that you want to start this journey, without knowing exactly what's around the bend. It's deciding that you're in it, when it's hard, when it seems scary, when it hurts. You decided that, so it's time to trust yourself, your partner, and follow through - and to let go of and dismantle the irrational jealousy that is keeping you from committing to and supporting your family.

    Get to a therapist. Tell your girlfriend that you are going to deal with your issue, and that you love her and won't let this get in the way of your happiness. And then deal with it, so that you can greet this child with happiness - and deal with your jealousy so that the other people who will care for and about this child can greet them with happiness, too.
     
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  8. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    I see that you are going through a lot of distress right now, not only because your feelings but also because you want to be okay with your partner and you don't see how to make things better.

    I think that the first step is to acknowledge a problem and you are doing just that. That is a great start! Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and just breath. I think you have identified some issues already but you just need to put the puzzle together. Like some people has mentioned, getting help from a professional (therapist or counselor) would be best. However, if you don't have that available you may need to find someone you can confide in and talk things through. Don't try to solve everything at once, address one thing a time (at least that works for me), don't beat yourself up.

    Try to concentrate on real thing. Your girlfriend, the baby, the love you two share, not how you got there or who is around. Those things don't matter, just you and your partner and the love that made possible a baby. Remind yourself that she is having a baby with you, not with the donor. She is making a life with you, no one else. You will call the baby your daughter or your son, s/he will be your daughters baby sister or brother. Those things are the most important ones.

    Like @greylin said, when the jealousy or bad thoughts come to you, make a pause, see why is that, note that they have not foundation and don't give them more thoughts and move on.

    Perhaps a big part of your anxiety is the thought of sharing your girlfriend, what you call her connection with the donor. Do you think your connection with your girl is less strong than your connection with your daughters' father? Both relationships exist, but they are very different.

    I hope you can find the right perspective that will allow your to enjoy this amazing time of having a new baby.

    Best for you and good luck .
     
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  9. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I hope you can find someone, a therapist to talk to where you are at. I do worry about that because I know not every city has therapists in plenitude and not every therapist will work will blended families and not every blended family therapist will work or work well for lgbt couples. Trust me, I am not discouraging you in finding one, but I want to make sure you are not amping up in frustration in case you hit some obstacles on that. Plus, you do need to find good ways to be a good partner in the meantime. If anyone knows of a good therapist online for the OP's situation please speak up.

    I did a search for lgbt and blended families. I was hoping to find some forums that is a merge on the two topics, but I didn't have any luck. I found this site: http://goodbyecb.proboards.com/board/59/blended-families there are people there posting about their relationships with the birth mother or birth father so it is interesting. There is also a column on lgbt, perhaps you can make a topic there too. People can bite off more than they can chew. Expectations are not always accurate, even on one's own feelings. I think it is great that this community is expressing a lot of concerns about your relationship with your gf and your future child. There are plenty of people who are so overwhelmed by their choices they become dead beats to their partners, to their children. I like that you are here, telling us your private thoughts and dealing with a language barrier besides to handle your problems.

    Also, here's an article about expectations on blended families:http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art20173.asp

    I further suggest that you read up on being in a blended family so you can get some practical advice on co-parenting with this other couple. I understand that you have some experience already from your marriage and divorce in co-parenting; however, this is, as your feelings are already in attestation, quite a bit more involved.

    Finally, Coffee said something that is quite important, don't try to solve everything at once. After all, we are talking about you feeling in over your head and quite overwhelmed by your unexpected feelings.

    P.S. Rather than deleting your fb connection to the birth father, maybe suspend your fb account in entirety so you can just say you need a break from the social media. I mean, give yourself space to figure out your feelings, but please be as polite and considerate as possible about it.

    P.P.S. Sorry folks for the multiple posts.
     
    #9
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  10. jellohead

    jellohead Well-Known Member

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    All great advice, especially from greylin, bluenote and spygirl. One quick tip: open up to your gf, NOW, and do not cause her any stress or unhappiness during this pregnancy. An old jewish custom holds that one is judged by the number of tears that they cause a woman to shed. Hold her close and get your emotions under control. PS- life is not mastered on Facebook, my child. Good luck!
     
    #10
  11. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Now, I will always remember that old Jewish custom. Thanks for that!
     
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  12. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    I think therapy is in order indefinitely. Your girlfriend does not need any added stress from you while she is carrying this child. Honestly, if I were your girlfriend and you were acting like this it would cause me to take a huge step back and wonder if you are even ready for a child. And that would be a make or break situation for me. There should be no reason for you to be jealous. My girlfriend and I at one time were going to use a gay friend as a donor, and if he wanted to be in the child's life as a family friend he would absolutely be welcome to, and we still may do that if we end up meeting someone suitable to be a donor before then.

    You actually were with a man before this relationship and had sex with him to have your daughter... all your girlfriend has done was get sperm from a friend to have a child with you, no feelings involved,... that's selfish of you to be jealous. Has your girlfriend ever came to you and said "I'm jealous of your ex-husband because you two have a child together?..." Just a bit ridiculous..

    Take some time and really reflect on whether this is going to be an issue forever or if you will be able to get past it. Because especially once that child comes along, you don't want the child to see you act the way you do about the father. It will continue to cause problems for your girlfriend and furthermore will cause problems for the child in the future if you don't get over this.
     
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  13. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    Absolutely!!!!!
     
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  14. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    She's jealous of your ex living across the street and you're jealous that she's sharing her child with another man. Easy. You both need therapy. It's not as if the gay couple will be moving in across the street. In fact, they'll probably take the kid off your hands every now and then when your ex has your kids, so you and your wife can have some alone time together. Think of them as an asset to your family, not a hindrance to your relationship.
     
    #14
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