Femme Visibility

Discussion in 'Advice on Meeting Women' started by Bluenote, Nov 29, 2014.

  1. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    OK, I'm actually kind of a tomboy, but stick with me here...

    I've heard a lot of gay women say 'I have a hard time meeting women / getting dates, because I'm femme and everyone assumes I am straight.'

    The counter, of course, is to 'signal' to people that you are gay. Like putting an HRC sticker on your car. Or wearing a gay themed t-shirt.

    I have to admit, I am woefully out of tune with current gay fashion. I still have rainbow colored rings from the 90s, but I don't think that is a good suggestion, lol. So, fashionable ladies out there - what can a femme wear to let others know she is gay? What other ways can a femme let others know she is gay?
     
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  2. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    I have no idea. But, I'm in the same boat. The only way another lesbian knows I'm a lesbian is if I tell her. That means I can only meet them online or at a lesbian function. Most of the time though when I show up to a lesbian function they all ignore me because they think I'm straight. I hate the discrimination. When I get to know some women one-on-one and they know I'm gay it's easier, but I'm still avoided like the plague in gay bars. Funny thing is though all the women I've dated liked me because I'm feminine, but they all said they never would have thought I was gay or approached me first.

    Once when a feminine friend and I showed up to an open invitation breakfast at a restaurant, when the other lesbians arrived they told us the table we were sitting in was reserved for their party. They were very rude until we told them where we heard about the breakfast and were there to join them. Before we finished eating they apologized for their borish behavior, but I'm sure it won't be the last time they treat other feminine lesbians the same way.

    So, my advice is to make the first move. It gets easier with time, but you need to be in the driver's seat if you want other lesbians to know you are one too.
     
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  3. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    There used to be such good topics on the old ae about this.

    I don't think I would have ever dated women if I never put myself out there. I'm sure when people see me and my fiancee around they think we're sisters because we both have the same color long hair.

    In short, mannerisms that most women who like women have. It just takes some paying attention to the person.

    -They don't look at men, but can spot a woman across the room.
    -Might sit in a chair different then "straight" women.
    -Might talk different (specially around guys, like they're one of the guys)
    -behavior/voice changes around woman. (sort of like how guys talk softer to girls they like)
    -The almighty PING goes off in the back of your head

    If only it was as easy as being born with a rainbow mark. Maybe peeps should be less concerned with labels and focus more on the community as a whole. I mean, there's a ton of straight women out there with short hair... You don't see them asking tips on how to look straight.
     
    #3
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  4. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

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    uhm..... I have hard time getting more visible being a bisexual Tomboy/butch since well everyone just automatically assume I'm into girls and only excursively girl... maybe the stereotype is fudging up with everyone else perspective but I understand how some Femmes who have hard time to get herself out there because they "look straight" and it is hard for them..

    I kinda talk about this with my femme friend and one of them said something along the line "its not hard for me to get notice as lesbian, its probably not they way you look its more of the way you carry yourself"

    but then again human is complex so yeah :D

    xx
     
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  5. nihonto

    nihonto New Member

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    I was once in the same boat, but now I find it rather silly.

    (1) just tell people that you are gay
    (2) if you like someone, let her know (flirt, ask out etc.)

    That's all. Just be less passive.

    I'm more femme than most straight women, but gay women usually know that I'm gay. I think it's the mannerisms, the way one moves and speaks, and the way how you treat other women.
     
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  6. Checkmate

    Checkmate New Member

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    Whatever you do, don't wear a feather earring. Even an alternative haircut won't make you look a hundred percent gay nowadays. wear something edgy instead. Don't go femme all the way up. Wear loose trousers and more fitted top. Get yourself a leather cuff bracelet. Don't style your hair like a princess. Wear make up in moderation. Focus on eyes or lips only and not on both or you will look like a confused straight lady. Hopefully your nails are short:) after all this work, you can proclaim you are a lesbian.
     
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  7. LiveInTheMoment

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    You girls are so cute lol
    If you are a gay girl, somehow, somewhere, your personality will show it to another gay girl, and she will pick it up. It doesn't matter how girly you are, there is always something about you that is different from straight girls. Your tone of voice, your personality, your characteristics, your charisma, the way you walk (THIS ONE IS FOR REAL) the way you stand, your non verbal gestures, the way you look at girls, the way you treat girls, etc ... welcome to lesbian world ;) ... you all will get it when you are out for more than 10 years and you are in your 30s ;)

    I'm very feminine and trust me, there is always something about me that other lesbians can spot from miles away ... like they can smell the gayness in me from a far distance haha
     
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  8. leighfrommex

    leighfrommex Member

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    I can totally relate! I am finding it hard to get out there, it's like, where are all the lesbians?
     
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  9. Thatbeautifulartist

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    I am still trying to do out how to gain visibility! When I wear my rainbow gear everyone assumes that I am a very dedicated ally! Omg. I have a pride necklace but guys still hit on me endlessly. It gets annoying! And the lesbians don't accept me because I'm not butch but this is just high school mentality. Hopefully it'll be better in college next semester.
     
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  10. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

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    I'm the negative one. Usually I don't look around wherever I am, not that I go out and search because there isn't any gay bar here, but if I see an attractive woman on the internet (never saw one where I live) my first thought is "she must be stupid", I'm not narrow minded, I just can't control what comes first into my mind and I can't get along with any type of person. If the woman is smart, then I will think "she must be straight" and if she is not straight, then "she must be in a relationship and worse, in love". Is like deep down, I'm begging to live forever alone. Those are my concerns. First of all, I need to know if the woman is smart and has a sense of humor. If she's not gay, I'm fine with that and we could be friends.
     
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  11. Thatbeautifulartist

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    Okay sooo I don't mean to be a bitch and I totally understand where you're coming from I had your frame of thought at one point as well. But the true down fall within that statement is you go based of of looks. You can never go off of looks. I'm African American and I speak Japanese, French, and a little Korean. Black people are not known to be fluent in Asian languages but we are in existence.

    So if a woman is intelligent it cannot equal heterosexuality simply by default that's just ridiculous I'm not trying to offend you I'm just saying that when you have that view of people you will be forever alone because it is an instant turn off when someone looks down on you simply for how you look and people can pick up on that and choose to constantly avoid you.
     
    #11
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  12. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

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    I'm not Japanese, Kaiden is just my gamertag. And I wouldn't have mind if you'd offended me, as long as you have an opinion to offer. I don't feel offended by strangers anyway, and is alright to express something negative towards other people.

    I'm not sure about the last part what you are saying and here "So if a woman is intelligent it cannot equal heterosexuality simply by default", so I will explain in a simpler way. I have some standards like any other person. I can't force myself to be attracted to just anyone. A woman can be the gayest person on Earth, beautiful, alpha woman, if she's not smart and has a sense of humor, nothing will happen. I don't see where is the turn off part.
     
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  13. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Ok. I know I'm probably going to be flamed for this and this is off topic, but in post #6 - I wanted to ask how can we be identified without looking like a cliche? Unlike what #7 has said, I am 30 and I've been out for over a decade. I still have awful gaydar, and a lot of people still think that I'm straight...
     
    #13
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  14. deLeishious

    deLeishious Member

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    There is a Youtube video about Femme Visibility. It's really sweet. It's nice to know that there are other girls out there who are like me. If only I had gaydar...
     
    #14
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  15. LumberButch

    LumberButch Member

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    I have no gaydar for women, esp. femme women. Really wish I did. However, I do, generally, respond to really really really obvious hints. (So I'm a little slow on the uptake.)
     
    #15
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  16. MLL

    MLL Member

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    Your not the only one ;-) am hoping this is something that can be fine tuned & applied better over time.
     
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  17. Lon

    Lon Member

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    I think women wait for me to make the first move but I am not good with rejection and scared to death to be told no or no thank you not interested OMG. So I pray that the right one will be where she needs to be when I meet her and until then I just keep my eyes open.
     
    #17

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