Feels like im going through the motions

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Jrcbball92, Oct 2, 2013.

  1. Jrcbball92

    Jrcbball92 Member

    Aug 17, 2013
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    Alright so I have been with my girlfriend for quite awhile now (2 yrs in December) and it feels like I am just going through the motions, especially during sex. Our relationship started out very complicated. She had a long distance boyfriend of two years and I was just coming out. So it was a first for both of us. She is a lot of firsts for me, my first kiss, my first girlfriend, the first girl I didn't deny liking, my first sexual experience (Btw we are both seniors in college). I just don't know what to do. She thinks I don't want to have sex with her anymore and for me the passion that used to be there is gone. We used to text cute things and have sex almost every night before cuddling up and going to bed and now we kinda just get in bed kiss a little and then fall asleep. We don't even really cuddle anymore. We always say we need to go on date nights and get out of the house but when I ask her to go somewhere or do something she says no or that she wants to stay in. And nowadays when she wants to have sex and starts kissing me and what not I find myself zoning and like thinking of the way things used to be. Is there something wrong? Idk what to do... and advice would be greatly appreciated...
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Part of this is normal. The winding down of that initial crazy new love phase happens a lot. There is also something wrong and it is a big elephant in the room that neither of you want to bring up until circumstance, like the end of college and location change to force the discussion to open.

    It might be that you and your gf are not bonding in other areas where you start investing in a deep abiding love and partnership. That love will come across in loving making for couples who have been together a long time and have gone past that love-crazed sex- starved phase.

    The best thing to do is not fear how you feel but just address it with her with all the love you have for her. Let her know that you do need to do things as a couple because this scares you and you don't want to lose her and you don't know what else to do. It won't be easy because it will be a sensitive topic. I sure hope it goes well and that you find the passion you are looking for.
  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    You can address the immediate problem with some determination and creativity; the underlying cause will take more time, honesty, and bravery.

    When you "go through the motions" during sex and affection, you are bored. We are wired to pay attention to novelty, and zone out when we do the same thing over and over. So if you want to make sex better, do something new. Have sex in the kitchen (there's a wall in ours that I quite like); try out some toys; talk dirty if you don't already; talk about sex when you're not having it so that you can brainstorm some new things to try out. Wake up your partner with sex (you know, consensually); have sex before you eat dinner, as soon as she walks through the door, for just ten minutes before bed. Expect some of the experiments to be a little awkward, and be ready to laugh together when sexy turns silly. You want to surprise her and yourself with sex, remind you of the many ways that your bodies can work together for your pleasure and your intimacy.

    But that's a band-aid solution. It sounds like your honeymoon is over, and the rush of infatuation is over. Biochemically, there IS a difference between loving someone and being IN LOVE with someone. And during the honeymoon, you spend a ton of time together, have a lot of sex, and are very physically intimate because evolution is working to establish a long-term bond (and to get you pregnant, but we got you there, evolution!). During the crazy, you get to know each other and reach agreements and build something that will last longer, because you have more desire and patience with each other than you will have later, owing to the hormone soup.

    After the rush fades, it's generally replaced with slower, gentler hormones, mostly oxytocin, which is also present in the brain when we spend time with friends, give birth to and nurse our children, and hug people. Because obviously, people stay together longer than 18 months - it's all about what ways of loving you've created together that continue to sustain your desire and affection. Together, you need to take a look at what you have and decide whether it is what you want, without the neurochemical rush.
    - Do you support each other in meaningful ways?
    - Do you show affection in ways that is most satisfying to the other?
    - How do you navigate stress, busyness, and time crunch as a couple?
    - Do you fight (or avoid conflict) often? What ways do you repair harm or hurt - like after sex goes wrong?
    - Are there things that rekindle the passion? How often do you deliberately set aside time to restore affection and love between you? (My partner and I have some regular standing dates to talk about us, our plans and desires as a couple, and our love. By naming it and keeping it present, we sustain it.)

    If you want to stay together, because building these habits of loving seems worthwhile and what you want in the long term, you can do it. Two years into my current relationship, we overhauled the way we communicated - and with it our home life, social life, and sex life, because we realized that what we had wasn't going to last without that intentionality. But if that work seems hard, and you are indifferent to it, then you should consider an amicable parting, because it is okay to end relationships that are not working when you still have affection for each other.

    I hope a little of this novel was helpful, and good luck.

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