Feels like I am losing it

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Thirdtime, Aug 24, 2015.

  1. Thirdtime

    Thirdtime New Member

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    So I am not sure where to start exactly. In high school I met a girl who soon became my best friend. This occurred after she basically terrorized me for a bit, made fun of me and tortured me about the boy I liked. We obviously worked things out and became really close. I realized that alot of what she did was to get my attention. We she got it. We became close quickly and then suddenly she pulled away from me and told me that she felt we became too close too fast. Things went back to her torturing me. We went to a small faith based school so everyone knew one another and was in everyone's business. She made it her mission in life to tear me down and made several comments insinuating that I had feelings for her and I did not know it then but I did...but I didn't show it. At all. We spent about a year apart then we came together and reconciled. Then it happened again, she pushed me away after I had spent a family vacation with her and we left HS on bad terms. So much happened between us, little things, comments made, but nothing physical and we never talked about feelings. That was not her thing. After HS she came looking for me again and we briefly spent time together but things quickly fell apart. We didn't talk for several years....but then she came looking for me again, two months before I was married. We picked up like old times then. This started a run of almost ten years of us growing really close. Spending nights together with our kids for sleepovers, dinners, meeting late at night, and the list goes on and on. We never talked about our feelings and never were physical. A couple of years ago she let me go again, which is standard for her pattern. This time it was bad and I reacted as if it was a break up (and it really was). At this time both of us were married, with kids and well things I think got too intense. My husband picked up on things, told me I had to stop any communication with her (at that point I didn't have any) and told me I could not speak to her again. Ever. After how she treated me I didn't want to talk to her again but my heart still was broken. Then I met someone online. A woman. I began a connection with her. Not intended but it happened. We talked for a year online, texting and via the phone. I developed strong feelings for her (and yes I am still married) and recently she said some awful things to me, made me feel like I had made the entire connection up in my head and broke my heart. So here I sit, married with kids and I should be happy but I am not. I have to force myself to care about my marriage sometimes and cannot get away from really really wanting that connection again with a woman---a girlfriend. I have struggled with my sexuality. Raised religious. Taught that I was to marry a man and have kids and live happily ever after. But it didn't include falling in love with your female best friend at 14. Or discovering at almost 40 that you have a strong attraction to women. I thought I was bi for a while, and maybe I am, with a strong preference for women. My relationship with my husband has not been fantastic and we have struggled since we have been married for various issues. I love him as he is the father of my children. But sometimes I wish that he wasnt here...that he would leave to make things easier...I almost don't know how to be in my marriage without having a female "counterpart" I guess you could say. I don't know if I want to be here but this is all I know. I am lost and Lonely, afraid I am wasting my life away, afraid that what I truly want and desire is a woman, that connection that partnership. I am Stuck. I have no idea what the heck to do.
     
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  2. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    I'm sorry. I wish I could give you some help or advice but your situation, husband and kids and all. I'm not experienced in either. All I can say is, figure what it is you want/need to be happy and start from there.

    Everyone deserves to be happy.

    I wish I could give you better advice :(
     
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  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I wholeheartedly agree with, "Everyone deserves to be happy."

    I know you have kids and you think just him leaving will make it easier. I think as long as you don't think you are in physical danger, you can talk to him. Maybe letting him know that it has taken you so long to figure yourself out then it could be a relief to him as to why things had not worked. I have watched my mom stuck in an empty marriage for no good reason and she didn't find her happiness when she could have. Of course I would have been fearful of any changes then, all kids would, but looking back, I knew my mom was not happy and I wish so much she could have been. You know better now and you can do better and show your kids how grown ups can take care of problems.

    All your life you have endured half-hearted women who treated you like a play thing because you think you were wrong. You are not off, not even one bit. You are just you. You are a mom and you wouldn't let your kids be treated like that by anyone without breaking out some momma bear whupass. So, fix your current situation first, and once you are free and have found your healing, there'll be a good woman out there waiting for you.

    And lastly, please look into therapy. If you can find a gay friendly counselor where you are at, then great. Otherwise, see http://www.lavendervisions.com/. I found an article on AE that talked about them long ago. I think she was on Oprah. I usually put out this link for married women in the same situations like you. My mom is not gay but she was stuck too so I have developed some empathy for women who feel stuck in a relationship with kids.

    Best, and please be happy.
     
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    aussie_gabby likes this.

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