Feelings for girl that i had a threesome with

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by lil_miss, Jul 25, 2013.

  1. lil_miss

    lil_miss Well-Known Member

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    Hi lovely peepz, need some advice here.

    sorry if the topic is abit offensive to some of you, i dont mean to offend anyone...

    but basically i met this girl on the internet and we started chatting and she was upfront with me that she wanted me to have a 3some with her bf. i wasnt interested in 3somes at all but continued chatting to her bcuz i found her attractive and eventually decided i actually wanted to do this. we both confided to eachother that we'd never been with a girl b4 and wanted to try. so i know she is not just doing it to please her bf, but i also got the impression that she does love her bf, she always talked about him lovingly.
    anyways so it happened and it was great, she was very shy at first, so was i. she is really sweet and geniune. and i felt that me and her were really intimdate, emotionally speaking. we'd always be looking into eachothers eyes, and asking if eachother's feeling ok. and afterwards, she still held my hand even after we all had our clothes back on and were just sitting around. i know her bf really enjoyed the experience, its easy to tell haha. and while me n her both enjoyed it, it wasnt the way he enjoyed it, we didnt climax and we didnt go all the way, it felt weird to me at the time and i asked her if she wanted me to do more and she just said she only wanted to do whatever i was comfortable with, so i just left it at that. afterwards she told me they had a lovely time and didnt elaborate and i didnt ask.
    at the end of the night my intention was to never see them again, to chalk it up to a good experience. we said goodbye and didnt mention a next meeting.
    but now i miss kissing her and holding her, and just been next to her. and would like to know her better since we were practically strangers b4 we hooked up.
    but now i dont know how she feels at all. its been like a week and i havnt heard from her since.
    also she told me that she hasnt been with anyone since been with her bf for 7 yrs, why would she tell me this? not that i asked. but it made me feel like the experience perhaps means more to her bcuz she hasnt been with anyone else for so long. we are also eachothers first girl experience.
    i dont want her to think that i dont want her bcuz i didnt go all the way with her that night or because i never indicated i'd like to do it again in the future.

    so now i dont know what to do, should i contact her? i dont want to be an annoyance if she's just focusing on her bf now. i dont want to come btwn her and her bf. but really feel quite emotionally attached to her and cant think about anyone else.

    thanks for reading, and comments appreciated. cheers
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    I think it is certainly ok for you to contact her and at least talk about your experience with her. You do have to kind of figure out what your intentions are with her. If you are thinking in the long run you just wanted to be in a monogamous relationship then you probably should be up front with it and she will know not to get on with you any further if she wanted to keep her bf. If you are okay with carrying on with her while she has a bf and she and her & bf are okay with it, then I think it is definitely fine for you to ask for some alone time with her in bed. She can always say no and it wouldn't be a big deal at this point. You can reassure her that you are not trying to steal her or her bf and that is the key. I think it is fine for you to say that you did wish you had gone all the way with her, and you were just a bit timid is all. However this turns up, it is fine for you to speak your mind.

    For you it is probably quite difficult to have an intimate relationship with one person if the 3some is the first thing you do, and to have it as your first time with a girl must be something. For her, she is not a swinger normally and watching you and her bf together had to be kind of apple-cart turning. So, it is good that you are giving her some time, but stay in touch so that she feels she can talk to you too. Being open and communicating what you want is very important, make sure you know your own deal breakers. And always, when, down the road, if you find that a relationship is not for you, it is healthy to stop.
     
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  3. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    Sorry to be harsh here, but read what you just wrote. You were an experiment, she doesn't want any sort of relationship, she has a bf for that. She might want another shag with her bf, but don't go expecting any one on one time or anything with this chick. Even if things did turn into something, I can almost say for certain it wouldn't work out between you two... So if you want to be somebody's play toy, carry on. But if you're looking for a girlfriend, than chalk that up to an experience and keep looking. Good luck :)
     
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  4. lil_miss

    lil_miss Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    hehe thanks Just Me, you are most likely right, a girl sometimes needs a good dose of reality! =S

    greylin, thanks for your thoughtful and insightful response. im not really looking for anything serious, i just want to spend some time with her and get to know her better as a person. i'd like to stay in touch, at least for a lil while but dont want to appear clingy

    im a lil hurt that she hasnt contacted me, i feel like its common courtesy. u dont just sleep with someone and never speak to them again?! its like a bad teenage movie. but like you said, i prob need to give her sometime. hopefully on the wknd she will think back on what happened last wknd and think of me!

    she is def not a swinger and told me its her first time doing this and i believe her. i thought about whether she'd be jealous of seeing me and her bf together, he was quite focused on me but she seemed alright with it at the time from what i can tell.

    i think ill contact her next week even if just to check that she's feeling ok and things r going strong with her bf, that would put my mind at ease
     
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  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    Don't fall for the girl from the threesome.

    A. You're either going to get crushed, or be a home wrecker. Or both! Oh joy!

    B. You don't want to contact her because you want to know if she's ok. You want to contact her because you have a crush and miss her. Now, go reread A, above.

    I'm not trying to be mean or harsh. Actually, I'm trying to save you pain, heartbreak, guilt.

    You kept the training wheels on (boy in the room) and tried it with a girl. You also enjoyed the kissing, hand holding, talking emotional part. Time to kick the training wheels off and find a real queer girl who is not in a seven year relationship. One who will hold and kiss and spoon and even love you back. Or at least call you back, like you deserve.

    Ps. 'I've never had a threesome before' is the second oldest line in the book. It is usually used as 'I bring home girls for my bf, we use them like meat and discard them,' tends not to work.
     
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  6. lil_miss

    lil_miss Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    ok i get it now
    since i had a bit more time to think i have come to realise it was comparable to a one night stand, even though i've never had one before and dont think i ever would. but i imagine this is what it feels like. just thought a girl would be abit more emotional about sex and care a bit more, no?
    even though i didnt expect an on-going relationship, but it would still be nice for her to say hi after and show at least she liked me.
    anyway i feel used i prob wont contact her now, just let it be.
     
    #6
  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    You haven't called her either or said hi since, right? Does it mean you were just using her or her guy? You sound like a caring person, but why would you not call then? You have your reasons, right? While I am not encouraging you to form a relationship with her, I am not so sure they were just out to use you. The guy was really into you in bed, and got a good thing going with you, if they were out to use you, they would not be done so quickly. I imagine it is difficult for couples to find a third to hook up with which makes you gold to them.

    You did ask why they would say it was their first time. I forgot to reply to that but my initial feeling was that it may have been a line that made them look safer. But thinking about it, even if the first time thing was a line, they don't sound like they are swingers. I think she was really shocked how she had felt when she saw you and her bf together. I could be totally wrong and naive. It is just that even when I put on my cynical glasses on them, it does not jive with them being old hands at this. I think you are not getting a call because you are simply a threat to their relationship. I think she is one of those women who got all surprised how much into another person her guy could be in a threesome.

    And...in case they are swingers, get yourself checked out because there are things, like HPV's that you can catch even using safer sex.

    However, please, call or not call, do it for yourself. Just know that you don't owe her anything. Good luck and please take care.
     
    #7
  8. lil_miss

    lil_miss Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    Well I didn't mention it before but the day after I did text her to ask how she felt Bout it and that I had a nice time. She replied that they had a lovely time with smiley and asked me if it was what I expected. I replied it was less awkward than expected so better. So basically that was the last communication we had. Very positive from my side right?

    Can you please explain what u mean by " if they were using you they wouldn't be done with you so quickly?" Isn't that the definition of using someone

    I honestly believe it was her first time. Not sure about her bf. Me n her were so awkward we sit there for 3 hrs watching movies without touching at all.finally it took her bf to get us to hold hands, it was a big deal to just holding hands! Then we talked about how if felt abit weird but agreed that we both still wanted to try. Then she asked me if I wanted to try kissing. It was all very innocent n cute. When her bf walked in and saw us kissing he was like ' honey that is big step for u!'

    I really hope she doesn't see me as a threat to her relationship, but I understand if that might be a reason for her not calling me :(

    Thanks for giving me more perspective on the situation.
     
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  9. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    seems like the boyfriend was exerting a bit of pressure there. I wonder if she wasn't just doing it to fullfil her boyfriend's threesome fantasy?
     
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  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    Lil_Miss, I was just making a point that I didn't think they were swingers and feeding you a line just to have a one night stand.

    Thank you for the added info.

    It does sound like they were just a couple experimenting and I do not like the sound of the guy at all. The girl is not in a good situation with her bf to begin with and getting a hold of you again would only make it worse for her. You sound like you are grieving an experience and you are going through the stages of it. You did not do anything to their relationship, please don't guilt yourself on anything that happened. And I agree with Bluenote, don't fall for the girl of the 3some.

    I think the guy lit up when his gf mentioned something about women and nudged and cajoled until it really happened. She had probably fantasized a threesome before but found out after that she had bit off more than she could chew. You already said hi after, if I were you I would leave it, get tested anyway and move on.
     
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  11. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    I don't think threesome couple used you, but I think there was a 'failure to communicate.'

    More generally I would say - don't assume that everyone shares your views and feelings on sex, dating and relationships.

    I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or judged. I am saying it to try and save you from heartbreak, confusion and maybe even STDs down the road.

    What I mean is pretty straight forward. Not every girl has feelings for everyone they have sex with. Girls can (and do) use other women for sex, have encounters that are no strings attached sex, lie to get sex and on and on. Not every girl, of course, but enough of them.

    It is better to ask someone what they want (one night stand, friends with benefits, just to date and take it in steps, etc...) rather than assume. Its no fun to wake up the next day and be told to get your shirt and get out. :shock:

    Then you can judge for yourself if you are on the same wavelength. If you had talked with threesome couple 'hey, can we still be friends after' and they had said no, maybe you wouldn't have had the threesome. Or maybe you still would, but you would feel a little better today.

    Of course, people do lie. So you have to talk to people about what they want (sexual and dating expectations wise). Then run their answer through the old bullsh*t detector. (or post it on DSLM).

    You sound like a sweet, thoughtful person. I think you can find a nice girl. One who will like you for you. One who will want more than just the sex part.
     
    #11
  12. lil_miss

    lil_miss Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    Thanks you guys, you guys are so sweet and caring and made me feel so much better =) i am almost over her, after all its not like i knew her that long or well.

    I think that most likely she is fully straight and not into me that way. She only wanted to experiment with a girl and after she did, realized it wasn’t her thing. cant do anything if she doesnt swing that way *sigh* curse of the straight girl crush. I mean I don’t think I did anything wrong for her to not like me. Unless her bf started requesting me after that time and she got mad.

    on a slightly related note, what do you guys think of the line "it was nice meeting you" at the end of a date/hookup/whatever. what would you make of that? if anything
     
    #12
  13. lil_miss

    lil_miss Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    ok so i caved and texted her again. i was upset about something else and thought i might as well get all the bad out in one go so i texted her. i know stupid reasoning, i feel like ive let myself down.
    so i said ' hi sweetie, how r ya? how u been?'
    and she replied a whole day later ' yeah being pretty busy how about you?'

    i know her reply looks really bad...but bare in mind during the month or so contact i've had with her, even when she was trying to get me to meet up with her she's always been slow with texting, replying my texts the next day happened a few times and i dont miss a beat when she takes half a day to reply. when i hung out at her house for like 6 hrs, she didnt check her phone once. i have adjusted my speed of reply to match hers. i think that is just her style, she's not very 'up' with texting etiquette so to speak.

    having said that,i dont know...im starting to think maybe im too naive and she is not as great a person as i thought. what do u guys think? should i text her back or forget it?
     
    #13
  14. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    Lil_Miss, you couldn't help it. You went in expecting something more casual and you even left that day not wanting to look back, you said you intended not to see them again. But, you had some intense and intimate moments with her. She gave you something to think about in sexual and emotional intimacy. I think you are more curious than anything how she really felt and never got the answer. I will never know what's truly in her head, but you can assume her silence is an indicator that she does not want to go down this path with you further. It could be that she just needed the experience and she has not found love in it, or she simply doesn't want to change her life.

    I hate guessing about people and I usually say what's in my mind and let it go. I might get pangs about a connection lost from time to time when I don't get an answer but had to shrug it off. In your case, I worry that you will say your mind and there is some muted response or none and you will wreck your mind over it. You did text her after and reached out again. If you don't hear from her it really is a kind thing for you to go out with friends and put this behind you. You are young and it may even be summer where you are, please enjoy this time. I think you probably have learned a lot about what you want in a relationship with this experience and I know you will find what you are looking for. Yeah, she wasn't right for you, but don't lose hope.
     
    #14
  15. lil_miss

    lil_miss Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    Greylin, you summed up my feelings pretty well, I really am more curious than anything else and a part of me wants to see how far I can take it.
    I agree it sucks really bad to be left guessing/wondering and im the type to wrack my brains too, but I know I will be ok. Even though its not summer but winter here in Australia I can still find some sunshine
    Overall I don't regret the experience at all n still think of it fondly. Thanks for talking me through my confusion :)
     
    #15
  16. lil_miss

    lil_miss Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    guys, im so confused please help.
    b4 i decided to move on, i sent her a text yday asking if she wanted to catch up, basically i said i thought she was nice, but no pressure its totes up to her.
    this time she replied ' hehe so do you ;) when you wanting to try to catch up? x "
    have to say im really surprised, why did she not contact me for a week, then seem stand-offish when i contact her, then now seem like she did a 360?
     
    #16
  17. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    I guess you really won't move on till you see, as you have said, how far you can take this. I have trouble getting together with my best of friends at times. Everyone's busy, and she said she was busy. So, you can take that at face value or keep guessing. Why guess anyway, just meet with her and find out what you really want to find out. I think in general people here are a bit concerned you would get hurt. And I think you probably would somewhere down the road with her. You will at least at times wonder why she doesn't text you right back or call you.

    I have nothing against you dating a couple or half of a couple if that is what you want, but the incompatibility I see here is that you probably need a lot more in a girlfriend. You need that intense sizzleness that a good lesbian love affair can bring. You need her to say yes before you can finish your sentence. You need...oh where was I? You need more.

    So, I am going to confuse you further after giving you that warning to ask you to just go to her. Meet with her and figure things out on the fly. You can do it, you can take charge and be direct. Just mind, and I do suspect even if she was single, she won't be enough for you. Hope I am wrong though.
     
    #17
  18. lil_miss

    lil_miss Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    ok lesson learnt, this is basically a rant.
    so basically we texted back and forth and she asked me if i was free sat night or sun to catch up. i told her busy on sat but free on sun, what would she like to do? and surprise she NEVER replied. its now 6pm on sunday. why the F*** ask me out then ignore me!!! my guy friend tells me that girls pull this s*** all the time. sheesh i miss dating guys =(
    so upset for half the day, but its just not worth it. she has no respect for me at all. i cant believe i thought she was the nicest, sweetest person in the world! and always gave her the benefit of doubt that she was 'phone challenged'! argh
    just wish i could give her a piece of my mind, say some not-so-nice things to her face. yes im really mad so i sound spiteful.
    well at least hurt was short n to the core, lesson learnt will be life long. thanks guys!

    p.s appreciated ur last post greylin, very good advice as always but seems irrelevant now. didnt really get the point about the "her not being enough for me" though.

    x
     
    #18
  19. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    She is not enough because you need someone to share a great romance with. Not someone who goes AWOL in texting or setting up a date. I hope you can move on because you deserve better. And if you don't move on, think of it this way, her guy could be the one who have gotten a hold of her phone and tried setting you guys up. Unless there was some emergency, she is not behaving in a way that she wants to have this continue.
     
    #19
  20. lil_miss

    lil_miss Well-Known Member

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    Re: Feelings for girl that i had a threesome ...

    so she eventually replied on sunday and apologised but i just ignored her.

    but something weird(or not) happened.

    so her bf texted me today, he said that she was away at camp (school teacher) but wanted to know if i had any plans for the weekend. i didnt reply for a long time, then i just said oh why cant she msg me
    and he replied that she has poor reception at the camp she's at. then he said he was thinking of me and wondered if i would like to go over, he has the house to himself.
    i was pissed off at this point but i wanted to suss him out, so i said 'what would she think of that?' and he replied that she suggested it bcuz she likes me and she is ok with it. i said i dont think she likes me that much. and he said nah she does, dw she replies to his texts really slow, the same way as well.

    is he completely BSing me?

    he texts completely the same way that she does (same way of speaking, same emoticons etc), im thinking some of the past texts were sent by him too. but still she has to be on board too....

    im not holding out for our "plans" for the weekend
     
    #20

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