Feeling proud - and sad

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by Emmarose, Aug 21, 2015.

  1. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

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    I have just ended a 4 yr relationship with a man - sad
    I'm trying not to feel guilty but I do - as soon as I realised I didn't want to be with him anymore I then realised I was gay..
    ( but writing this I realise I feel guilt at ending it not that I'm gay - I have realised that we can love the wrong sex !
    I've always known I had bi sexual tendencies ( and he knew that - but my denial was strong-
    Well when I finally woke up I was astounded at the yrs of denial and funny thinking . Suddenly my whole life in this department made sense.
    I've told a couple of people and one friend who was in exactly the same position when she came out -
    I'm looking forward to being who I really am in the world and I feel proud already :)
    Denying my sexuality has been quite hard work !
    I love how gay girls can look the hairstyles - clothes -
    I like the self surety that can come across and the expression
    I can't wait to tell my friends up north but I shall wait until I see them face to face
    For now it's me feeling good about my sexuality for the first time - no shame
    Feels good
     
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  2. slayerbeans

    slayerbeans New Member

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    Congratulations on coming out!
     
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  3. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

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    Thank you
    I kinda want to do something 'gay' but not sure what to identify -
    I still am looking at men ' old habits die hard'
    I am not able to give any sexual energy to anyone as I'm in recovery and have made a pact ' no relationships for a year '
    Maybe reading a good book would help - of people's experiences of being a gay women - or a website - not sure where to look
    I'd like some intelligent identification not just about sex and short hair ( if u see what I mean )
    I'm 42 yrs old so not a young women coming out -
    I feel I want / need to develop as a gay women but just don't know where to start
    Any ideas appreciated :)
    What does it mean to be a gay women in the 21st century ?
    Thanks for listening is good to help me see what I would like
    Maybe some activist work would suit me - being around other women who have a cause -
    Um food for thought -
     
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  4. anonymous25

    anonymous25 New Member

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    My journey of discovery was not dissimilar to yours - in a relationship with a man and broke it off when I was in my mid 30's once I realised I was gay. I can only talk about my own experience and certainly appreciate that everyone will approach this situation differently. The realisation came that being gay is only a small part of who I am and not necessarily the most interesting part! Therefore I chose to focus on other elements in my life such as work, study and new business opportunities with the thought that the 'gay' part will develop organically. And it did.

    Congrats on coming out. Hope you find a pathway that brings you happiness.
     
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  5. slayerbeans

    slayerbeans New Member

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    Emmarose - I suggest joining local LGBT groups. Volunteer in your community. I volunteered before during pride and joined NoH8 parade.
    I suggest not stressing out too much to be identified as a lesbian - you are still the same person before you came out. Your hobbies are probably the same so I don't think there's much lifestyle change to do. I'm a lesbian and people I just met do not know my sexual preference until I tell them.
     
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  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Oh it's exhilarating, isn't it? To have this "new" identity, which probably was part of you all along. We all go through it to some extent....but my caution to you would be not to get lost in the label. I prefer to live my life honestly and quietly open -- I don't need to fly a rainbow flag or prove my gayness to anyone. Instead, I just go about living as I always have done -- but when at functions, I introduce my wife. Having lived openly for so long, it's almost a non-issue...and short hair and such..well, that's great but it doesn't make you any more gay than you were before a hair cut and dykey clothes (and I mean that in the best way possible).

    I guess, though years of reconciling who I am with who I thought I should be, I realized that it's not the clothes or the hair cut that makes us identify more with the gay community (and my clothes and hair have been across the spectrum). There are some aspects of the gay community with which I disagree...My point is this: find out who YOU are comfortable being without feeling like you need to live your life by what you think "gay" should be.
     
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  7. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

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    Thank you for the replies and yes I understand what people are saying about don't - over worry about it and I don't need to 'look or be gay ' in order to identify ...
    But I do feel there is a point being missed --
    Just like a teenager exploring new territories that's how it is for me -
    I can't develop as a gay women ( and yes I know I'm more than my sexuality) until I make movements..
    I may join a voluntary thing or go on a walk - something where I can meet other gay women and listen to what they say and hear what I have to say also
    I want to explore and identify to integrate from being a hetrosexual women who has had flings with women ..to a gay women who is secure in who she is and feels a growing sense of liberation
     
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  8. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I totally get what you're saying. There's definitely a desire to present yourself as a member of the queer crowd, in whatever way feels authentic to you - because the flip side of altering your appearance to "fit in" is the power and promise of belonging. We're more than just queer or gay, sure, but we also ARE that, and it's a thing worth exploring and defining and learning to navigate. And while there are risks, there are rewards: I really love being recognized by other queer women in public, the smile of recognition, the occasional family discount when my wife and I are out and about, the subtle ways that queer family reaches out and affirms and supports.

    I would spend some time exploring different queer resources and lifestyle sites - autostraddle is a good one, for lots of different kinds of queers and queer issues. I was part of a queer knitting club for a while that was super fun and relaxing, and took some of the stress out of entering new social situations. And while I'm mostly the same person I would be without my queerness, I actually think that is has made me more aware in ways that have affected my choice of career, my politics and feminism, and the communities/hobbies I participate in. So you might find that your identity adds a dimension onto the life you already have.

    So I say - do and try the things that you want to. Any change comes with a pendulum swing before you find your center again, and that's okay; just like it's important to not get the haircut just because you're a lesbian, don't not get the haircut because you're not just a lesbian (if you want the haircut, or whatever equivalent affirming step you want to take).
     
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  9. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

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    Thank you Lorien I find your post very helpful and balanced :)
     
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  10. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

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    I saw the women I like tonight - was nice to see her and chat :)

    We have a lot in common

    Important I take it easy and make friends first ..
    I am not in the right time for a relationship
    The future looks bright !
     
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  11. Jadams53

    Jadams53 Member

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    Hi Emma,

    I was totally where you are when I began to "un-repress" my gayness, especially when it came to still looking at men. Makes it all even more overwhelming. Eventually it will stop, or at least it did with me. And there's no harm in admiring a good looking guy. I can appreciate a well formed male human lol. I just don't care to date them. Congratulations on coming out and good luck!

     
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  12. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

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    Thank u :)
    Indeed ... It does feel really odd the old behaviour _
    However I went to a dance class last nite and the premise was the men led the women -
    I couldn't breathe and opted out - yuk being led by a man and that energy that was flying around made me feel quite ill :)
    I mean what do gay girls do to keep the men away ? Or does that come with time ?
    It's strange I want to cut my hair and shout from the roof tops - but that feels premature :)
    It does feel though relavant to tell people - yet because it still feels sureal- there seems a sense of its not integrated in me yet -
    How do integrate ? Or is it a case of time ....
     
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  13. Jadams53

    Jadams53 Member

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    Being a person that doesn't care for the male species in general I find a nasty scowl keeps them at bay most of the time lol. Plus I dress slightly on the masculine side but not in the extreme. I see what you mean about wanting to shout from the rooftops. I'm only partially out myself. My issue with that is because I'm not super obvious people tend to not believe me. How infuriating! Just when I feel confident enough in myself to speak it society comes back with a punch in the gut. I think integration will come with time. Doing what we're doing now for instance. Getting involved in the community and making friends. Eventually the old will pass away and our new lives will be second nature. I just wish it would hurry up lol.

     
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  14. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

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    Indeed - yes I know that scowl well - ah ok I'll keep using that one then ..
    Interesting - what do people say to not believe you ?

    I bought a boyish top yesterday ( I have always had a side to me that loves wearing more masculine clothes and def indentify with feeling like I've always been a bit Tom boy - when I was younger I liked climbing and cars not dolls and frills - it's just interesting isn't it how society influences both pos and neg -
    There is also a part of me that is a 'lipstick lesbian ' I feel the boyish is coming through and I like it !! :)

    I've made a new friend recently and feel he may be the next person I tell - it's good when it feels safe and supportive to share it with someone - a relief and proud moment -
    Yes it says a lot Doesn't it when ' people don't believe it -.. I haven't had that yet but it prepares me for when it may happen - thank you.
    I mean why wouldn't someone believe it ? What does that say about sexuality and identity ?
    It's so fluid that's what I'm learning -
    I was looking at a girl on the train yest and found myself wondering 'is she gay' all because she had short hair - then I related image is a part of it of course not the whole - a girl may have short hair and look gay and be the most hetro in the world and another women may be so feminine and be 100% gay - all obvious stuff I know - but new exploring for me
    God I love being in this place of 100% gay :) whatever I look like ...
    Was a huge relief when I realised I'll never be with a man again !!:)

    Yes I agree getting involved in the community ... I joined a meet up group and also have just said to a friend that I'll go there for pride next year which feels fab - she lives in brighton UK our gay capital :) :)

    Quote ' the old will pass away and our new lives will be second nature '
    Yes indeed ... It feels all in the future but as I'm writing this I realise it isn't it's what I do today that counts - small things add up --
    Transition is unusual in this sense so I guess feeling some unease is only normal --
    Maybe I'll just go for it and wear a 'I'm a gay women t shirt :) save all the hassle :)
    I know what u mean though part of me wants it to hurry up to ...
    Writing on here helps though I wish the forum was used more by people - it feels a bit slow ...
     
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  15. Jadams53

    Jadams53 Member

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    Well when I tell people they act surprised, which is warranted considering I'm not the most obvious person in the world. But then they start mentioning my past, what about this guy and that guy and whatnot. They don't realize that I've spent the last 23 years trying to find that right guy that would keep me from being gay. When you're told from such a young age "gay is bad gay is sinful etc." It's only natural that one would repress it. So because I've repressed it so well they treat me like a teenager going through some phase. I suppose it's part of the adjustment period for them and I should be more understanding but it's hard. I have a very young looking face and so many people don't take me seriously. I would love to be able to put on a shirt that says LESBIAN and just wear it. But in the American South that's still a bit of a dangerous move. Like you I want to just surround myself in the community with people who understand but I don't know many people. I'm volunteering at our pride festival next month so I'm hoping that changes things. The forum isn't very populated you are right, but I think it's because it isn't widely broadcasted. I only learned about it a few days ago from a YouTube video. We need to get out there and spread the word! ;)
     
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  16. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

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    Quote ' trying to find that right guy that would keep me from being gay '
    Yes :) now I'm on 'the other side ' I can see that's what I was doing - when things were wrong such as lack of emotion - male traits - sex etc I would blame them -
    I thought when I woke up ' how come I loved men and then realised I'd just been loving the wrong sex ..
    No body fitted the bill for me and it left a deficient that I didn't know -
    I love being in the space I'm in right now just being with it 'being a gay women '
    Am not searching or denying just being ...

    Sounds fab that u are volunteering at pride event - I can't wait for pride next year - to be celebrating and proud

    It's still a strange time though I sometimes get a thought 'am I really gay ' but I know I am - it is the truth

    Liberation is a wonderful thing and even if others don't share it - I know who I am -
    Just predijuce is here in the UK too - brighton is our gay capital and I just heard last wk of trouble at pride this year of anti people - fear based no doubt -
    On the plus side gay marriage is now legal here and so is adopting children - times are moving on
    So that each person can live free to be who they really are -
    Thanks for sharing - I really appreciate being able to talk about where I am at and listen to others experience
     
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  17. Jadams53

    Jadams53 Member

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    I was that way as well. I would almost immediately find something wrong with a guy the minute things got serious. I was putting my heart and soul into the wrong thing. I still find myself doubting my sexuality sometimes too. Sometimes I hope I'm wrong just to make things easier. But that's not probable. I've enjoyed sharing my experience with you too. I needed a good open conversation about how I've been feeling lately lol.

     
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