ex has breast cancer

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by hollythecat, Oct 24, 2015.

  1. hollythecat

    hollythecat New Member

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    a woman I was deeply in love with (and broke up with me 3 years ago) emailed me very recently to tell me she has breast cancer. things didn't end too well between us, for reasons I won't go into, but we couldn't be together because of stuff to do with her. anyway, we've stayed in touch through the occasional email, altho I haven't seen her in 2 years at this point. i'm happily in a relationship with a new gf, but i'll never love anyone like I love this girl. I still have very deep feelings for her, but I know that ultimately nothing has changed.
    I did wonder if her sad news might be making her question her decisions in the past, and maybe want to reconcile, or maybe even consider it. I emailed her yesterday asking if she wanted to meet for a coffee before her mastectomy, but in her response, she didn't even mention it. I don't want to appear selfish and hurt because she's going through some life changing trauma, I just wish she wanted me to be more important in her life. the fact that she's suddenly been emailing me so frequently the last couple of weeks, I wondered if her heart was softening towards me again? maybe she just likes that I ask questions and show her support? I can't stop thinking about her and what we used to have. the most intense, spiritual, passionate relationship ever. i'm confident she'll make a full recovery, she's still young, in her mid 40s. I guess I don't understand quite why she's telling me so much if I don't mean anything to her anymore? help!
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    You're dating someone new.
    Your ex is fighting a potentially life threatening disease and has a very tough and scary road ahead of her (mastectomy, chemo, etc...) Young or not, she really has a battle ahead of her.

    And your angle is wondering if you two can get back together?

    Really?

    No, I mean, seriously, really?

    I try not to go off on posters very often, but I am having a hard time restraining myself here. There are times in life when all you should worry about is being a decent, good person. Not worry about yourself and what you want.

    You don't want to appear selfish, but you are being selfish. You have a gf and you are trying to meet up with an ex, whom you hope to rekindle things with. That is a pretty lousy way to treat your current gf. Your ex is fighting a scary and life threatening disease and your concern is 'does she like me, is there an angle for me to get back in there?' That is a pretty rotten way to treat your ex. She needs support right now, not drama and agendas.

    Because it is all about you, right? o_O
    Maybe she is telling you so much because she is scared, she is sick, she is staring her life in the face, she feels the need to make peace with some things and she needs tons and tons of support. I can't stress that last bit enough. People who are really sick need all the support that they can get, so it is healthy for them to turn to as many people as they can. Don't put it all on one or two friends, reach out and get a whole network of support.

    If she wanted to rekindle things with you, she would have taken up your offer for coffee.

    Take a step back and just focus on being support for her. Don't read into things and don't minimize what she is going through. And don't try to rekindle things with an ex while you have a gf, that is just sleazy.
     
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  3. Emm

    Emm Well-Known Member

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    I honestly don't know who to feel more sorry for in this situation. The ex dealing with undoubtedly what is an incredibly scary and life examining time who just wants support, or the current girlfriend who is coming in runner-up in your affections for someone who broke up with you years ago. With a nasty ending to it, so I'm guessing there was a decent, painful reason why it ended.

    And you're asking if she wants to meet for a coffee? When you have hopes of reconciling and she is about to undergo a mastectomy??? I cannot even imagine how that awkward cafe conversation would go....

    She needs support, she needs people to bring her dinners and clean her house and let her bitch about how everyone calls it 'a journey' and hold her hair back while she throws up and feels fucking awful. She doesn't need the girl she broke up with trying to mend fences and jump her bones again. @Bluenote was right....you are being selfish.
     
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  4. hollythecat

    hollythecat New Member

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    I feel quite saddened by the responses on here. I don't feel I did a good job of writing my thoughts. Firstly, I love my girlfriend very much and I would never intentionally hurt her. I also would not cheat on her.
    Secondly, my feelings for my ex have always been there, I just learned to not let them stop me from living my life and being happy with someone else. She was my first real love, and I think lots of people always have a soft spot for their first loves.
    I'd also like to add that I have never had any intentions of "jumping anyone's bones." All I've wanted to do is hold her and tell her everything will be ok. My heart is breaking for her. My feelings of love are not fair to my current gf, that I understand, but I'm just trying hard to not be overwhelmed with such sad news. I want my ex to be well. I'd rather never see her again and have her be healthy, then see her once or twice because she's fighting a terrible disease. I'm not a bad person. I just want her to be ok.
     
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  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    OK, so why are you trying to meet an ex gf, that you are still in love with? If I were your gf, I would be pretty hurt by that. You seem to have a skewed definition of what it means to "not intentionally hurt someone."

    So happy that you are trying to find a way to get back with your ex? So happy that you are hoping maybe your ex is reconsidering and wants you back? So happy that you are angling for lunch dates with exes? So happy that you are on After Ellen asking for advice about what is going on with your ex.

    Because last time I checked, that isn't the definition of 'happy' or 'deeply in love.'

    Let me restate: asking for relationship advice about someone other than your gf, is not happy and deeply in love.

    Funny how you left that out of your first post, rather glibly being like 'ah, she is young, she will be ok.' But then spending a lot of time musing about if maybe she still had feelings for you and maybe you gals are getting back together.

    Seriously, can you not see that wanting to go for coffee right before her mastectomy is tacky? "You are getting half your chest hacked off, oh, so maybe you will reconsider having dumped me. I know this great little lunch place..."

    Yes, maybe facing death will change how she views things. But there is a time and a place. And right now the time and place is for her to fight like hell for her life. It is not really the place to worry about if she likes you or not. And it is certainly not a the time to be trying to have little dates with her.

    Your opost depressed the hell out of me. I don't have a lot of faith in human nature, but this is a new sort of low for me. I dunno, somehow I thought that the fight against cancer would bring out the best in people, guess I was wrong. :(
     
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  6. hollythecat

    hollythecat New Member

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    [Comment Removed By Admin]
     
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    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 25, 2015
  7. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    It's sad that you've chosen to respond to the previous posts with such language.I think it would be wise to take a step back and reflect on people's responses.They mean well and I believe writing down your feelings and saying you'll never love anyone like you loved your ex wouldn't go down well with your current gf. If you told her so.Yes,you feel for your ex.That's good but to want to rekindle something in her current state,you will agree,is disrespectful to both women......
     
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  8. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I read your original post like 3 times after reading all the responses here. Seems to me like you can't handle the reality of the objective responses people are posting. And the reality is that the truth hurts, doesn't it?

    Here's my observations -- and you can tell me to fuck off all you want but it's not going to change the reality of your situation. But don't come here seeking advice if you can't handle what people will tell you...

    First: Your current girlfriend is your consolation prize. Your own words betray you, because you wrote this: "i'll never love anyone like I love this girl." Love. Not Loved. Present tense, not past. Simply, you got dumped by your ex -- a woman with whom you are still in love and for whom you have many unresolved emotions. You haven't moved on at all. If you had, you wouldn't be acting this way. So, with that -- you're being totally unfair to your present girlfriend -- don't you think it would break her heart to know that she's not number 1 in your life?

    Second, you write: "I did wonder if her sad news might be making her question her decisions in the past, and maybe want to reconcile, or maybe even consider it." You also write: "I just wish she wanted me to be more important in her life. the fact that she's suddenly been emailing me so frequently the last couple of weeks, I wondered if her heart was softening towards me again?" Which brings me back to my first point above. You're WAITING for something to change, and you'd reconcile in a heart beat. Don't you think that maybe she's just bringing closure to her life by being open about her condition?

    Lastly, you write: "I can't stop thinking about her and what we used to have. the most intense, spiritual, passionate relationship ever. i'm confident she'll make a full recovery, she's still young, in her mid 40s. I guess I don't understand quite why she's telling me so much if I don't mean anything to her anymore?"

    She broke up with you remember? And you might mean something to the extent that you were an ex, and you might've had some good times. You, however, still pine for a relationship that does not exist anymore..and will never exist for her. People break up for a reason.

    Do yourself a favor. Break up with your present girlfriend because you're not giving her 100% of yourself and that's totally not fair. Then get your head out of the past. It's okay to keep fond memories of your ex -- but everything...EVERYTHING you've written is completely selfish on your part. Your ex deserves better as well.
     
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    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 25, 2015
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  9. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    Okay I think people are being a little harsh. Yes, her ex girlfriend has cancer. She's probably sad, scared, lonely...struggling. I work in an industry where I see breast cancer patients daily. I've had family members have breast cancer. It's terrible for everyone around. However, I do see why hollycat is confused to why she is reaching out. This girl broke up with her awhile ago. They have both moved on or at least have tried to. They don't communicate and now she is reaching out to her often. Hollycat- does your ex have a large support system? If she doesn't have much family and/or friends then she probably is reaching out to you for help.However, if she does have a lot of family and friends and has dated others since the break up then yes I see why you may think she is reflecting on her life...relationships...break ups...things she regrets..etc. So I understand the confusion and perhaps the hopes. it's natural.

    Also, in regards to people saying you are disrespecting your current relationship. Yes, I mean if roles were reversed you would be saddened if your current gf is thinking about how much she loves her ex and how she is hopeful her ex wants to get back together. But people come on now, Hollycat is not the only one that has an ex she will always love and perhaps more than anyone else she dates. This could change but for now thats how she feels and she is not alone. There are plenty of those that feel there is one that "got away". So don't be too harsh.

    You can give the ex the support she needs- listen to her, give her strength, and a shoulder to lean on but focus on your current relationship- don't ruin it!
     
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  10. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I disagree in that there is a difference between feelings and actions. Sure, a lot of people have feelings for exes / that girl that the timing was never quite right, etc... But there is a difference between having a crush and actively trying to go out on coffee dates with that person.

    The harshness thing is relative. Were we harsh? Was the op too harsh to lash out with (now moderated) vulgarities? Opinions are going to vary on that.
     
    #10
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  11. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    Like Bluenote,I disagree.I've tried to see where the harshness has come from BUT I've failed to see it.If the shoe fits,then wear it.What if the tables were turned,wouldn't op feel cheated on?People come here to air their feelings and that,I get.I'm sure if both YOU and the OP go through every response,both of you will realise that being a good person in a meaningful relationship is far better than living in an unfulfilled past with lots of wishful thinking......
     
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    Last edited: Oct 27, 2015
  12. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    Ever heard of cheating Emotionally and Not physically?Though Emotional affairs are for another thread.The point here is that....you cannot give your ALL emotionally to your current gf if your feelings for your ex are stuck in third [email protected] back to the thread so that we all agree to disagree .....
     
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  13. ithaki

    ithaki New Member

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    Well if Hollythecat does not come back to the thread I totally understand. She came to this forum with an issue and was judged as a criminal just for being a human being like any of us. Who are we to throw the first stone? Did we not at one point or another of our life behave in a conflicting manner? And what is all this fuss about inviting for coffee a friend in distress who reached out with a life threatening problem? That's what any decent person whould have done (and should have done, by the way), regardless of any unresolved feelings. The OP came for advice on a specific matter, so let's give advice on that matter.

    All you can do, dear Hollycat, is support your friend and stay strong for her. As you understand, it is not the right time for talks about any unersolved or open issue between the two of you, unless she raises this topic. And be sure, if she reached out to you in her most difficult time, it means that you are, or have been a key part of her life and your support will to some extent help her bear her fardel.
     
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  14. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    Yes I completely understand. I said if roles were reversed the OP would be very saddened by her gf having feelings and hopes to get back with the ex. HOWEVER, the OP's hopes and thoughts regarding her ex and her ex coming back into her life is understandable- she misses her ex. that won't change. She came here for advice..everyone bashed her for being a terrible person for wanting to be with her ex who has caner... so instead I gave my two cents... understood she had feelings for her ex and you will see I said make your current relationship a priority, don't ruin it.

    I respond to many people's posts on this board and also love reading the advice and opinions of others. I respect everyone's responses and the OP's opinions. I don't like to attack people and tell them they are terrible.
     
    #14
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  15. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    Reconcilliatory note missed,fuel added to fire.......sadly so.I wish op all the best with her feelings and those of her current gf and her ex.You can't help whom you lOVE and HURT in the process.Some of us have never been in a situation where you are with someone BUT still want to be with an ex.If it ever happens,Ill learn from the advice given to the op by those percieved to be harsh(myself included)......Case closed,on my part!
     
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    Last edited: Oct 28, 2015

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