Ex girlfriend/friend issues... :/

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by pocketlesbian17, Apr 6, 2015.

  1. pocketlesbian17

    pocketlesbian17 New Member

    Apr 6, 2015
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    I’m a lesbian, and I started dating a friend/coworker in December. It was actually her first relationship ever, and she was clearly very nervous about it, especially since her family has no idea she’s bisexual. We dated for a month and it went okay, then suddenly in January, three days after our first month, she broke it off for several reasons. One, because she was afraid of everyone knowing she was bisexual; two, because she was afraid of her family finding out (they’re very religious); three, because she didn’t think she was ‘enough’ for me, because she claims that she has a difficult time showing emotion. She says she feels nothing overall about anything. She felt that she wasn’t romantic enough.

    That last one is a big one for her. She wanted to be ‘friends’ and we remain ‘friends’ now. However, I think there’s more to it. We still talk every day, and we still get into these deep conversations, usually ending in us talking about ‘us’ and her changing the subject. She tells me that she can’t show her emotions. She’s ALWAYS hinting to me about sex. She tells me she’s always going to be alone because she can’t show emotion. I try to tell her she isn’t going to be alone, and I try to help her with her insecurity, but it doesn’t work. It seems like one minute she’s cold and aloof towards me, and then the next she’s happy to see me. People have been flirting with me and asking me out, and she gets jealous.

    I don’t know what I’m asking. It feels like she’s soulless. I know that I should just move on, but she keeps jerking me in so many directions. She’s definitely not my first but she was special to me because we were friends before we started dating. I guess I just need general guidance?
  2. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    It's possible to be friends with your exes but generally give it a few months for both of your emotions to settle down and get over yourselves. However since you work with her you may just want to tell her that... and say that she ended it because of her own personal excuses. You really want to be friends but you need to move on to someone who really wants to be with you etc. Just be honest (and tactful) because it sounds like she may not end up committing if she's too afraid of who she is and you deserve someone who actually really wants you and wants to be in a relationship with you.
    greylin likes this.
  3. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

    Jul 23, 2013
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    I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. It sounds to me that your ex is confused, she does not know what she wants, hence her on and off thing...and you are in the middle of it. I think her "I can't show emotion" motto is an excuse, more over, it is symptom of her confusion.

    It is nice that you want to stay around and help her with her insecurities. However, her volatile behavior causes you some confusion as well and it is important that you also take of yourself, for your own mental and emotional health.

    Take it easy with her. If you need some "distance" to have perspective and compose yourself again then do so. Unfortunately, we cannot save them all.
    greylin likes this.
  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    In this kind of situation, boundaries are very important. It will be hard, because you want to be kind, and you care about her, but it's not good for you or for her to continue this quasi-relationship, quasi-friendship.

    It sounds like you're doing a lot of caring for her emotional needs - reassuring her, managing her jealousy, being there for her - and letting her maintain control of the situation. She wants to be friends. She changes the conversation from "us." She gets jealous when you - not her girlfriend! by her choice - are interesting to other people. You, meantime, are not getting your needs met, or even really considered. The best thing for you, I think, is some space and time, to heal, and to think about whether reestablishing friendship is a good idea for you.

    Coincidentally, and happily, this is also the best thing for her. Right now, she's closeted, emotionally unstable, and probably pretty anxious/depressed. She had something that she clearly really like and valued, and wasn't able to commit to it because of her family situation, her closet, and the emotional distance that creates. That sucks, and I'm sure she's mourning the loss in a lot of ways, and really not wanting to let go. But she isn't going to be able to be in a successful, secure relationship until she addresses the underlying issues, and she's not going to do that if you continue to meet her emotional needs without holding her accountable. At the end of the day, she's a grownup, and grownups sometimes need to handle their own shit. It's not your job to handle it for her, and she can seek support from other friends or a professional.

    I would, kindly and firmly, tell her that you care about her and want her to be happy, but that the current situation isn't very good for you, and that you need some space. Let her know that when you're ready, you will let her know what "staying friends" looks like. Thank her for what you shared, and for respecting you request now.
    Pump and greylin like this.
  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Great advice from everyone! When you said "soulless" it really made an impression on me. Sometimes people who suppress their true selves can only do it for so long before it seems like their own identities are no longer retrievable. Perhaps that is why she is only thinking of her needs, when one is so empty, it is a bottomless pit!

    Also, how are things at work that she is also your co-worker? I think the way you have been with her, even when you start setting some boundaries, you will do it in a nice way. Still, please watch that when you do so she is not in a position to stick it to you at work, document everything in a journal (electronic and otherwise) away from work.
    gr8dane likes this.
  6. RagsOBrien

    RagsOBrien Member

    Mar 19, 2015
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    I am coming from the other side of this because I'm sort of in the same situation as your ex insofar as being closeted goes, well for the most part. That is exactly how I feel but I don't have to see or work with my ex. She also feels like you do and doesn't really want a friendship, not now anyway. Neither do I if I'm honest as it is just far too difficult- it's a breadcrumbs thing really and the quality of friendship is always going to be lower and be plagued by jealously and underlying romantic feelings for one if not both ex-partners. She keeps reaching out to you and is struggling to adjust to the relationship or the dating side of it being over and she is clearly still very emotionally invested in you but cannot move forward and accept who she is or 'come out.' It is tricky as you have to see her frequently but I think distance and a lack of contact unless necessary (for work purposes) is all you can do to help you move on.

    She will have to deal with her own issues as time goes on if she really wants to and is probably depressed and lonely right now but you can't be one to console her!

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