Ex gf afraid of distance when we were falling for eachother- I feel she wants us but is scared

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Estra, Nov 1, 2016.

  1. Estra

    Estra Member

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    New here, thank you in advance for any help or comments, hope you'll give me some opinion. I met my ex online 2 months ago, we got on so well, many similar values and expectation and same humor..., that we met for a week end 3 weeks later. After that she declared liking me too much and missing me. I felt the same. But she had some event where she fought with one of her 2 best friends and he wrote to her next day saying he was done with her. She told me it kept her awake but didn't say what really happened. I could feel our communication started to change. Next week she was extremely tired and got really sick so i accepted to let her recover by not being needy, but still present. Especially since she insisted right away that she wanted to stqy independant (because in the past she always had do'e what people wanted her to, not what was good for her) and had a busy life style. Next week end she broke up, saying she worried about the long distance thing and couldn't see a future. All this was never a problem mentio'ed before and I told her we needed first to meet and see eachother longer (I have that flexibility) before worrying of the future, but that in my side, immediate and long term plans were duable and I did give details on how, i didnt stay vague and was very honest and realistic in a positive way. She changed her mind because she said "i had showed her how much I liked her" for a week but didn't really give it any chance, hiding behind work, and the importance of getting in touch with friends. So of course our bound was being tested really hard. Saturday she says she can't hold on to the past and has to focus on the future, where is the present in that?! I sent her a last text with sweet words representing a last kiss between us. She totally freaked out after that (did she get scared of suicidal or something?I know her ex really messed up with her and she refused to go into details but said if she was dead she wouldn't care, big red flag right?), asked if I was ok, called 2 times in 2 hours (my wi-fi was off and I was out) then texted twice and called me on the phone. She totally insulted me for not responding and said she didn't want to hear from me again. I had in between sent her a text to reassure her and let her know i was out and would call the next day. She answered she didnt believe me and to never contact her again. I explained next morning that I never had been dishonest or lied to her and asked if it was ok that I call her around a certain time. She answered angrily that the world was not turning around me, to have a good life and never contact her again. I was chocked and stayed silent. 5 hours later she texts in 2 different places she was really sorry, didn't mean that, that she didn't undestand the text properly, that she didn't know what to do with me and then (because of that) she is a bitch, it's her fault and she hopes I can accept her apology.
    I let this rest for a few and called her as I said I would. No answer, then I get a text saying she's in bed with a bronchitis, took a pil and hope we can talk next day or later I the week. I'm just having a really hard time trying to understand, is it all because of her past experience and now she saw she was falling for me(she admitted that on an email) and she needs to keep control and invonturaly change our dynamics? I can't keep convincing her it couod be working out really nicely when all she focus on is the physical aspect. I'm not scared of moving if we realise we really get along (that week end was just perfect for both, we admitted that to eachother) so what to do for her to let her guard down and stop worrying about the future? She thinks it's easier to end it now, and yet, when she asks me to stop contacting her, she freaks out and comes back apologizing? I wish I would just manage to get her not tp freak out about the future yet and to give us hope AND time... any advice please?
     
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    Last edited: Nov 7, 2016
  2. Kaorin

    Kaorin Member

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    She sounds like a major drama queen that you're better off without, to be honest. I'd say forget about her, focus on yourself, and move on.
     
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  3. Estra

    Estra Member

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    Lol she just texted I'm removing the app and your pics hope'you do as well. Thank you for the great time a'day getti'g to k ow you a little, wish you good life, health, love. Bbye beautiful.

    I said I was confused, that if'we could finally talk on the phone that would be good for both. Damn so many misunderstandings, she said she thought I was only offering to meet for a week end in Paris while I had been cleared on my email I could come to Amsterdam for 1 or 2 weeks. Which meant for me coming to her place... she didnt get that. She said that would be better to go to her place lol exactly'what I had offered o'e week ago! Then there was the distance talk where she said she could find someone from her country. Yer ok, if you're satisfied with just anyone, sure, but for someone with a special bond, sorry but this time she is the unrealistic one, believe me I know, it's not easy! She also started with its not easy for me, i have a busy life... I said I had experienice with distance, and relationship, it can work only if you are BOTH willing to work, you have to decide what you want in life and if it's a good long lasting relarionship then yes, sorry, but it requires time, work, effort, conciliation. Think a relationship is easy at 31 years old then how could'she have been in a 5 years relationship before is just a mystery. I also think it's either you allow yourself not knowing where it leads for a while but being positive and just go for it completely or you just admit you're a negative and not comited person. She needs 2 days to think about it, I'm afraid that this time I'm the unbeliever and not'sure she'll surprise me the good way. Is it so bad to have a dreaming part where you just think where there is love, there is hope, no matter the obstacles? Wish she could see that...

    Thanks for your answer
     
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    Last edited: Nov 1, 2016
  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Eh, you get what you put up with. Lots of people are dramatic, manipulative, and prone to emotional antics you'd expect from adolescents (men and women)... and they don't give it up because it keeps working for them. If I can demand that people jump through hoops that make me feel valued and cared for, and they keep jumping, why should I stop?

    The way to get something different is to be really clear about what your boundaries are - with yourself, and with your partners. What do these drama queens have in common? What are some red flags that showed you this kind of behavior early on, and what are some things that you maybe did that let them think you would play the game? (There are a lot of crazy manipulative, gaslighting things I see in your original post! So I think you're well on your way to recognizing them.)

    And then... when you see that kind of nonsense, be ready to say, "well, thanks for playing, but I already know that this dynamic isn't my cup of tea. Feel free to call me if you want to try without hysterics or guilt trips!" You might get involved less, but it will be less headache and heartache, and more likely to work out, when you do.
     
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  5. Estra

    Estra Member

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    Hi, yes I have to admit I'm not inot gossip or drama, I'm also very tolerrant and ready to work on myself. Sometimes I go deeper in my thoughts, how for example past knowledge is important to understand how a person reacts today in some contexts and as an answer I got "the past'is the past". Sorry no, it's not as simple as that and that just proves you haven't delt with it. Anyway I really appreciate the comment and I see a lot of truth in it. Guess I am still learnino and have to put more boundaries. Take care:)


     
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  6. Estra

    Estra Member

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    Thanks, it does look like a lot of drama ;) i still hope people can evolve, maybe that's where imI'm being innocent. Take care!
     
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  7. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    People can evolve... they just have to want to and choose to, and if you are hoping someone will evolve without evidence that they are interested or willing in doing the work, you are going to end up disappointed. And sometimes change is very hard or slow, and so the interim state - what you get on the way to evolution - also has to be something you can live with.
     
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  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    She sounds kind of crazy, honestly. In a few months time she has cut out a best friend and has cut out you. She sounds psychologically unstable and like she just occasionally self destructs and turns on people.

    Your profile says you are 32. I am assuming she is close to the same age. A 30 year old who cuts someone out over one missed phone date?

    She sounds volatile. You are lucky you found out after just a few months and didn't waste years on her. Let her go and move on to someone less crazy.
     
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  9. Estra

    Estra Member

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    Hey bluenote, thanks for your insight.
    Indeed she is 31 and I thought it weird her best friend said he was done with her. I'm assuming she didn't want to talk about it because she was in fault (and wont admit it) and I'm ready to bet it's because it was always about her, helping her, doing this and that for her... and when he needed her more (breakup), he started to call her very often and she really got annoyed. I can understand that but I think that friendship and relationship work both ways and there is simple ways to explain to someone "i understand you're hurt and lonely but calling me 3 times a day is a little excessive". Anyway If I had a fight with a very good friend, which sincerely never happened in years, I would try to fix it, swallow my proud and act like an adult. It's all a guessing game with her and she said i kept asking about her past while the past is the past and she doesn't want to focus on that. I believe you are totally right, big psychological issues there, I don't know if her ex who hurt her big time (but again no details) is responsible but Im done with the guessing.
    Other funny thing, she was asking to text less on some days because she was exhausted after work. Ive always been understanding and told her to tell me when it was the case. Again, I got a reproach saying I kept texting her every day, is that so wrong to say good morning and good night to your gf? At least just that?! I just answered her that I couldn't guess when she was in the mood if she didn't speak up. Especially since she started to text longer text during her work hours so I assumed she liked it... haha funny funny.

    I've never been with someone so confusing, this is just insane I think. The more I think about it, the more I'm thinking you are all right, I want someome stable and mature, who is able to ask herself "what do I do wrong and why didn't she understand me?" And of course, funny how she insulted me saying the world was not turning around me... seems like this remark was aimed... at her. Human psychology, a whole mystery! Xx

     
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  10. Estra

    Estra Member

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    Lol an update, she was taking time to think until Thursday then Thursday night I text her to see if she was available for that phone call we had planned, I get a "can you call tomorrow"? I ask saying If she was still debating and she starts joking saying I was thinking too much, and when I joked it was mental manipulation, she jokes again saying I had to wait one more day to know, with silly monkey smileys at the end. Obviously drinking... next day, same story, she finally calls saying she can't do it (big surprise haha)... then 2 hours later I receive a text saying "good holidays to you, thank you!* with silly partying emoticons, like nothing happened, like she didn't act like a jerk with me at all, like after all that I had to wish her a good holidays?! Seriously wth is wrong with people... and this is a 30ish year old, oh yer... I know I should be happy to see this all now better then later, but I can't help but be disappointed and angry ; it's funny in some occasion, you just want to lash out at the person (hard to resist but I will play the mature card), i did tell her though making me wait one more day was pretty low.
    I'm mostly angry because she pretended to be someone open and adventurous while the truth is, she will quietly stay in her family business and live in that house next to theirs all her life. I just feel like an idiot for believing people can see further than what they grow up in. Family influences as always... I didn't ask but I can't stop thinking they might have played their role in the matter because suddenly, she said it would be better to be with a Dutch girl... of course it is better for the family who makes her work 10h a day in their business, didn't make her partner, and who didn't have the decency to give her holidays in years. We can't change people, I need to remember that!!

    Sorry about the little monologue here, just needed to vent ;)
     
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    Last edited: Nov 10, 2016
  11. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    There are plenty of people who setup shop on the internet to work or get to know someone but they are not ready for it. Once I needed a small job done and I looked up people to do it and it turns out, one after another, they were not really doing that type of jobs anymore. Yet, they posted a listing that deletes every two weeks so it is not like they had it up there for months. I mean, what is wrong with people. Vent away! But please don't go back.
     
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  12. Estra

    Estra Member

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    Lmao thanks, point taken!;)
     
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  13. T.S.

    T.S. Member

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    So recognizable, from the Dutch girl side.. (From how I can be, or some Dutch women with dating)

    Mmm, yes she is (possibly) having issues she needs to deal with and have help for. Sounds like she's possibly trying to be nice, likes you, is confused by the feelings she has and the practical sober side. It's a (Dutch) girl thing? In any case, sorry. We can be very open with sex, intimacy, but not fast too fall in love. Having grown up internationally, it can be a while to figure it out. There is a feeling of obligation to work, family, friends, yourself, while also wanting to stay open to new opportunities. Changes are she liked you and thought you were nice, just too much stress, or other stuff to see a way to make it work, possibly too damaged by past experiences (for now?), possibly being too sober, (practical) advice from friends or family. Some of us don't like romantic stuff without a solid backing sometimes (not necessarily money in that sense, but not just pretty words, for lack of better words), and if we have plenty of offers, then it is hard to choose, we can get overwhelmed, and 'crazy'. While the next day going out and doing fun stuff with friends, laughing and not even thinking twice, but feeling bad, if you are a good one, we will definitely remember and think of you fondly, and speak highly of you.

    What works for me in a case like this? Give her time to work out her stuff, stay friendly, sent her kind smileys and stuff, but move on, if it is really not working out, be honest, tell you want to date other people or need time to put this into perspective for yourself (with her help), and/ or need time for yourself, because this is too confusing for you. Tell her your concerned about her and hope that she sees a good doctor and help if needed.

    Her arguing with one of her best friends well that happens to the best of us unfortunately, but you don't know the reason and she is keeping the privacy of her friend sacred not to break that trust and be a good friend a very admirable quality or she is not ready to share that with you because she doesn't know you well enough, it's normal for here let me put it that way. The argument can be taking a really heavy toll, time, and/ or energy as best friends are something like family, for lack of a better description, and could stress her out etc., until she knows how to deal with it, and plot a course.

    The monkey smiles are a humor thing here.

    When you were accusing her, it sounds to me she was trying to reassure you possibly. You're possibly projecting too much of your own thoughts/ feelings on her, because of lack of understanding, and/or cultural differences. She might not know how to solve that, with everything else going on, and think the whole thing might be too much trouble, hence her saying she could date a Dutch girl. That could be something she decided, and she won't budge then, or if she sees a way forward together, then she could change her mind possibly.

    Some, if not all/most, of us are fiercely independent and strong, but we want/ need an arm around us every now and then, and feel safe and comfortable to not have to be strong, for lack of better words. If it was meant to be, she would have made it work, she would for example have swam across the ocean if needs be, and working to work it out if possible, if you put in effort as well, that is the other side. Don't take it personally.

    Work and stuff in the Netherlands can be really stressful, number of people having burn outs and stuff, I see it all the time around me unfortunately, she needs time to get back to a life she feels comfortable in and is normal for her for lack of better words, and the relationship with you is asking too much right now, or not matching at some level, don't expect anything, it might work in the future.

    "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" Cyndi Lauper in a way, it's way of coping with stupid 'guys' and we need to feel you are the right one, and when we do, we will go for you, and are your best friend, or really kind, and/ or she (wants) to have more fun, she could be thinking 'lighten up'. Maybe you're going too fast and too heavy. Maybe she is teasing you. If you'd said let's go get some beers and do something fun, she may have agreed, or she could have been thinking about your heart and long term happiness, or just be in a party time of her life. The drama can go away in the way discussed in this topic, when we really love someone, some of us just want the love story. Something like that. If she liked you she will remember you and don't be surprised if she contacts you some day.

    Could be just a phase. Something like that, please correct me if I'm wrong anywhere.
     
    #13
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2017
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