Emotionally abusive mother? Should I leave?

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by fgfb, Dec 3, 2013.

  1. fgfb

    fgfb Member

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    I think my mother is emotionally abusive. To me, her personality started deteriorating when I was 12 years old when we moved here in America. I don't know if I just started gaining maturity then and just came to realise how she really was or if she really just started getting worse. She's a good provider but she isn't a good emotional support.

    She became even bitter when she invaded my privacy and saw messages to my girlfriend back when I was 14. She was very upset that I was in a relationship with a girl.
    She started blaming herself and telling me how horrible it is that I was with a girl. She told me that being gay will ruin my future and its a sin (she's a hardcore christian) and all of that nice stuff you want your parents to tell you, unfortunately. That same day, she told me that she "knows everything" and that she's "the only thing I need". I don't even know what to say for that one. She made me sleep in her room for a few months and took everything I enjoyed as a kid after that. In the end, she decided that it's a phase and it's never been brought up again. I don't know if she's still in denial or she's just not speaking about it.

    Regardless, ever since then she has been worse to me. Ever since then I ended up being the worst child she has (she told me herself). She's so full of hate and anger that I can't stand it. She's so irrational to the point that she got mad at me for yawning. She's super controlling with my decisions even with my hair and clothes. She likes to berate me for my mistakes. When I make a mistake, she brings up all of the past issues she's faced with me and also those she assumed that I have done. She blames me for things that I have nothing to do with. I hate getting stuck with her in the car on those days where she is ticked off with me. She attacks my personality as we travel. In fact, I hate getting stuck with her anywhere. I hate travelling with her but she won't leave me behind. I remember when I was 14 or so, we went to Chicago to her friends'. We were in the train. I sat away from them because angry with me because apparently I always look like a boy and I had unintentionally dropped her camera lens prior to the train ride. She bashed me in front of her friend and everyone in the train. She told them how she caught me in a relationship with a girl and how horrible of a child I am. I felt so bad about myself. I just cried, covered my ears and hugged my knees. She used to use it against me too, threatening to tell my siblings and how they'll dislike me when she tells them. She also threatened to send me back to the Philippines(that's where we came from) in isolation if I was every "gay" again.

    Of the three children, I am the youngest. My family is a very traditional one. They taught me how to respect elders. But growing up, I've noticed that they don't give me respect at all especially my mother. In this house, I am expect to cower down when issues arise. I am not to speak. I am not to feel discouraged. I am not to defend myself. I can't believe people expect me to respect them when they give me no reason to. One day, I got fed up and I asked my mother if she could give me a little respect. Of course, she scoffed at me as if I'm not entitled to any respect at all. Then, she blew up on my face even further. It's awkward cause she always tells me that if I don't have anything nice to say, then I shouldn't say anything at all. But then she's a hypocrite and doesn't do what she preaches. I've never heard her berate my siblings as much as she berates me. I've never seen her belittle them either.

    I am now 18 and I feel shitty as ever. I am now in college, of her choice, with the major ,of her choice. She's still controlling. In fact, yesterday, she made me pack my clothes to put in her room because she plans to make me sleep in her room because she found a shirt on the floor of my room. Yes, she wants me, her 18 year old daughter, to sleep in her room with her because I left a shirt on my floor. I don't know how irrational this woman can get and I don't want to find out. She still ignores my feelings and opinions or everything I say. I'm getting to the point where I'm about to give up. I don't feel at home. I never did. I can't open up to anyone in this house because every time I do, I get bashed for it. I am discriminated in this house because of being different. I get nightmares where I ask her to give me support but her reaction is the same as when I asked her for respect. I don't have anyone to talk to in this house. I'm still technically in the closet as I've not officially come out. I plan to come out soon. And I know hell will break loose. When it does, I plan to leave. My friend offered refuge away from this house. My friend and her husband (who are both my best friends) offered to take me in until I can get up on my feet just so I can save myself from this madness. They told me that I can stay with them for as long as I have to and that they will help me to attain my goals (my plan is to work while I am with them while I wait to be enlisted in the military). I don't think I can stay here. I feel like my life is deteriorating as the day goes by. I feel like if I stay, I'll only end up dead.

    I don't want to say this but I dislike her. I can't stand to look at her. I can't stand to be near her. I can't stand to hear her.
    I am sorry. I know this is a long one, but I am really desperate for help and advice. I don't know who else to come to.I'm sick and tired and I want to save my life. Do you guys think my decision to leave is a substantial one?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Re: Emotionally abusive mother? Should I leav...

    You are an adult and you are lucky enough to have someone offer sanctuary to you, I would leave. Unless you are afraid of depending on a new set of people and eventually getting the same treatment. If these people seem eager to support you so you can be independent, then they really are good friends.

    I think despite everything that you have suffered, you have a good head on your shoulder to know this is not right. The confusing part is that there is some percentage of the time when your parents have the right idea about getting you to behave. Yes, they can encourage you to have a clean room and have good habits like not leaving clothes on the floor. But for your mom to make a grown up daughter sleep in her bedroom is way outside of over reacting.

    I am so sorry, no one deserves this. I would leave without a word and leave a note saying thanks for raising you but you will be fine and you will take care of yourself from here on out. I worry about their reaction so stay safe, okay? I wish for you that you find nurturing relationships here on out.
     
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  3. fgfb

    fgfb Member

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    Re: Emotionally abusive mother? Should I leav...

    Thank you for your concern and response.

    I do agree that she should encourage cleanliness and order in the house. However, she gets overboard about this issue. If she sees dust on a table, she will get extremely upset and start yelling for hours on end. And then she sees me and starts blaming me, telling me I'm an ungrateful and selfish child and that I need to fix myself. I do contribute around the house and perform my responsibilities. I just think that she expects me to do everything in the house. For example, one day, I got home from school a few minutes before she did. There were dirty dishes left in the sink due to my freeloading uncle eating and cooking for himself (he likes to leave his mess behind for me to clean up). So then she gets home and starts yelling at me, completely ignoring the fact that I am as tired and busy as she is and that her sibling doesn't do anything around the house but lie down on the couch and watch TV all day.

    That is what I plan to do, to just leave without a word. However, I know she will try to find me. I worry for my friends who offer to take me in. I don't want them to get dragged into it so I am trying to be extra careful about my current actions.
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Re: Emotionally abusive mother? Should I leav...

    It is scary leaving the home that you know. Perhaps it is wiser to go and work for someone and get room and board? Tell your mom that you are trying this out to learn to be more mature. I maybe hasty about leaving without a word because I really don't know enough of your circumstance. I said that because I worry that the abuse may turn physical. You can give her a good story to tell people that you have left to board and work for someone so she can save face and you are not disappearing out of her life. This may placate her enough to leave you alone.

    Your mom sounds like someone who is completely overwhelmed. Whatever she has signed up for, work, home, being a wife and mother, was not the way she thought it would be. She doesn't know how to handle stress and sounds like she can be just cracking up over the load or being a modern woman with traditional demands. I do hope one day you will have a decent relationship with your mom and I know you wish for that too. However, you do need to plan carefully as you say for an exit as soon as you can.

    Regarding the room and board: do screen the hell out of these people, there are a lot of female seniors who live alone and need a little help and they can be ideal. There are some registries (try AARP to look for links) where seniors are looking for suitable boarders and maybe safer than craigslist. Have your best friends accompany you to look them over on the interviews.
     
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  5. kay6

    kay6 New Member

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    Re: Emotionally abusive mother? Should I leav...

    I tried to send you a private message but for the life of me could not find it since the site has changed, also tried to log on a PC but got jammed every time. So I'm typing on my crappy phone so excuse the drunk typing style I can't fully see what I'm writing. I read your post and I HAD to reply. I went through the exact same thing with my mother before I left home. I felt like I was living in a madhouse of ocd. I got told off for taking the butter the wrong way out of the tub, ie: don't point the knife down, keep it smooth. Accused of breaking items in ways that you cannot break them. Her and her boyfriend would not talk to me for days sometimes, shutting doors in my face. Left me with ten £'s of my own money got £15 a week to spend on food whereas of course they were allowed about £30. I was blamed for everything. They were broke but always bought new things. My mother would lie to her bf about me, he called me every name under the sun and she let him, after telling him I told her to F off which I didn't. I have never swore at a parent I'd be too afraid to.He told me to get out so I did. Never went back. My mother was a good provider too she's even a carer. Nobody will understand unless they've gone through it. Don't listen to people who tell you.. your mom has a lot to do etc etc. My mother had me damn near suicidal. Now we are really close now that I'm not there. Please try and get out of there. Message me if you need advice x
     
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  6. jinxie007

    jinxie007 Member

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    Re: Emotionally abusive mother? Should I leav...

    How are you doing?
     
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