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Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Mabel Thomas, Sep 17, 2016.

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Should I tell her how I feel?

Poll closed Sep 17, 2018.
  1. Yes. She already knows and wants to hear it.

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. Yes. She might be happy to be loved.

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  3. No. Wait until you meet her. Then you'll be able to tell if it's mutual.

    3 vote(s)
    60.0%
  4. No. You're crazy. You don't know her only from a blog.

    2 vote(s)
    40.0%
  1. Mabel Thomas

    Mabel Thomas New Member

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    #1
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2018
  2. Kaorin

    Kaorin Member

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    I think you may have overly romanticized the situation in your own mind. It's important to acknowledge that, when writing to one another, you have plenty of time to think about what it is you say, how you phrase it, and so on. People are extremely different in person, as it's impossible to pause, edit, and really take the time to think before you speak. Face-to-face interaction also comes with a number of other ways to communicate, such as facial expression, tone of voice, overall demeanour, eye contact, and whatever else.

    What I'm trying to say is that people aren't perfect, but it's a damn sight easier to be perfect behind a screen. You may indeed truly fall in love with the person she is, but at this moment, I think you could possibly have fallen in love with your idea of who she is. It's hard, but try to view the situation as logically as possible, and take a little step back. I'm telling you this from a bit of experience. I've met a number of people through the internet, some of which I overly romanticized myself. After meeting them in person, I began to see the whole of them, and it'd often turn into a simple friendship.

    My advice would be to start from the beginning. Maybe start by confiding in her that you're interested in women, and judge her reaction. You can propose meeting up as friends, going for a coffee, and truly getting to know her.

    Best of luck to you :)
     
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  3. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    Nope. Don't profess your love for someone you've never even seen. Never even spoken to.

    Our imagination tends to run away with us when we're lonely. We imagine what someone looks like, what they sound like, what kind of partner they'd be, but it's just your imagination, not reality.

    This reminds me of the mid 90s when the internet was in it's infancy. We finally had a way to interact with other women like us, but no way to post photos, no digital cameras, no skype. So, we posted personals saying what we were looking for and someone would respond and tell us they were exactly who we wanted. The only problem was we tended to keep our relationship online long enough to make us believe we really knew the other person. Then, we'd finally talk on the phone and being already convinced we found the woman of our dreams would discuss a future together. The problem came when we met in person because we'd never seen so much as a picture of each other. No matter how much someone describes themselves, you will never be prepared for reality. Rarely, is it better than you thought. Then you spend a little time together only to find she's not at all what you imagined. She irritates you. You can't see a life with her. But, you've already professed your love to each other so you now have to break up.

    You're experience is even worse because you have no idea if she's even gay. I've seen women fall for other women online only to find out they were corresponding to a man all along.

    If you can't find someone in real life to hang with, tread lightly on moving forward with this online romantic idea. Give her your phone number and ask her to call you. After talking a few times you might find out enough to know if she's into women or into you. Send her a pic of yourself and ask for one in return. If you decide to meet do so mid day in a busy place, Never profess your love for her until you get to know her well. It's easier to stop something before it gets started, if need be.

    But, honestly you should try to get your mind off her by finding someone in real life who you know is a lesbian.
     
    #3
  4. Emm

    Emm Well-Known Member

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    Yeah...do not give some heartfelt confession.

    Mainly because you're not in love with her, you're in love with a version of her that exists solely in your head from snippets of her life.
    Which in no way shape or form is an accurate depiction of who she is as a person.

    She's a voiceless, faceless entity that you've given life to and for all you know she could be a 75 year old cat lady with a hat made of tinfoil and a voice like fingernails being raked down a chalkboard
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    She might actually want to hear it, but she might be the kind that wants to hear it but gets uncomfortable when it is real. Being liked is very flattering even when it may be displaced by awkwardness soon after.
     
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Don't get me wrong, the awkwardness could replace your friendship. What I meant was that I have seen straight women flattered by the attention to the point that they would seek confirmation and then back off and run away. But you know, you have a lifetime of experimenting with talking to and engaging with women who interest you. Speak you mind as freely as you are courteous of her reception and expect consequences good or bad.
     
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    You've said that you rarely meet people that you like -- even after joining a dating site. This is telling...you've romanticized her in your head, and right now she's completely safe because you are going by an idea of her; a snippet of her versus what she is day in and day out. There's only so much you can truly know about a person until you've experienced the good, bad, ugly and mundane.

    Think about it...what I write on here or anywhere for that matter is selective and subjective...not objective. I censor what I want to portray about myself...as I'm sure she does in what she writes and you do, too. It's human nature. Though you seem to have many things in common -- you do not KNOW her..you only KNOW what she WANTS you to know about her. You don't know whether she's gay, straight, bi...and she certainly has NOT told you that she likes you any more than as a friend.

    Most importantly: You've also said that you think she knows how you feel....which is HUGE when you also said she's backed up on meeting you. If I wasn't interested in someone and figured out that someone had feelings for me other than friendship..and that person was wanting to meet me, then chances are, I'd pull back on a real life meeting too. If she were into you or thought that this was truly a good friendship, then why the hesitation? It certainly seems to me that in not wanting to meet, she's telling you all you need to know about where she stands. She's avoiding an awkward encounter and having to tell you that she's just not into you. If I were in her shoes, I'd do the same thing. When your terms of endearment and compliments once went over fine (and who doesn't like to be flattered and receive positive attention every now and then?), she's probably figured out that there was more behind them...what's perceived as platonic can quickly go to awkward and even creepy once true intentions are known. In my mind, a meeting would NEVER happen. It's bad enough when someone we know in real life develops feelings that are not reciprocated...

    When I first read your post -- which was a few days ago -- my initial reaction was that you have an obsession and lust for this woman that is just not healthy. You're in love with an idea -- until she gives you any indication (and she has not) that she likes you, let it go.
     
    #7
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2016
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  8. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    I personally think you're in love with the image she presents to the world. That may or may not be her and that's tricky. I feel like you like certain things she gives you but that's not love-more like attention that feeds one's Ego and replaces our loneliness temporarily.

    I don't even believe one can fall for someone whom they've never seen. Let's be real here-looks do matter and whoever tells you they don't matter even a bit is lying. What if she ends up being someone you can't possibly be attracted to, looks-wise, even though they might be normal loking (not ugly but nothing breath-takingly beautiful). I suggest you ask for more of her if possible and see how it goes.
     
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  9. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    It is not impossible to fall in love in correspondence. I am not sure that falling in love in person doesn't fall into some traps of presenting the best of oneself. But definitely, meeting someone in person gives you addtional data points that are missing like looks, mannerisms and scents. If she is backing off from meeting then I find that skittish behavior and it would make me think twice, thrice.. before spilling my guts about feelings. And that is something I would rather do in person. If I were to tell someone like that my feelings it would be to say how someone's words has made me swoon. It would solely be something I do to get something off my chest and I would not expect anything out of it except to unload and hopefully the recipient at least find that flattering.
     
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  10. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    Perhaps ask her to take it to the next level-Facebook, or whatever and take it from there. If possible, actually meet for real-sit down for a cup of coffee or whatever. :)
     
    #10
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  11. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I quoted your words back to you...so I didn't make assumptions. You explicitly stated to @greylin "I honestly think she knows about my feelings..." Moreover, I can only go by what you originally post..and from your first posting to your lengthy explanation, things have changed. Perhaps you're rationalizing...perhaps what you say is also true...but if you had posted these explanations initially, I might have given you a different response. But seriously...your post is titled "in love" with blog friend..and you recant the "in love" part with a later explanation....

    But you can't expect honest advice if you don't give readers the full story. I stand by my previous opinion because it was based upon the information I had available to me at the time...and...particularly given that a lot of what I do for a living is deciphering what people say..deciphering truth from lies...then you will understand that I can easily surmise as much from what is not said. When people tend to omit things, that's huge. A lot is said by people in what they do NOT say..but also by their actions. She's not brought up meeting you again...I'm not being mean -- I'm being real. if you think I'm being mean then you're being entirely too defensive. You came here asking for advice...I gave you my honest opinion from a strictly objective point of view based upon things YOU stated. Typically if people are interested and want to meet...there's no questioning about it...(and yeah, I too have a very public position in my real life...so I get it)....

    For what it's worth -- if you are unwilling to dismiss vantage points differently than your own as potentially credible pieces of advice, then perhaps you shouldn't be seeking advice. For you automatically to assume that someone is being mean based upon a scenario YOU originally posted, yet now claim was incomplete...and now I'm supposed to understand the whole situation that you conveniently omitted but just recently amended....then that's your issue not mine. Sounds to me like you're rationalizing here....and fine, go ahead and do that.

    Lie to us all you want....change the facts if it makes you feel better, but at the end of the day, you're the one who has to accept truth from fiction -- and if she's backing up from meeting you? There's a reason...if she's not discussing it...well, again, a lot is said in the unspoken..I wish you no ill will....but how dare you make accusations toward those of us TRYING to help you when you tell one story and after we give opinions, your story then morphs with each response?

    You've not seen me be mean by any stretch of the word. Moreover, I have no reason to be mean to you.
     
    #11
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2016
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  12. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I have said a lot of things online, yap, yap, yap, you know and I don't remember if I have said that particular thing. These things are dynamic and it all depends what the situation is. Sometimes, you just gotta blurt out and say you want to be with that person. Sometimes, you want to give that person time to get used to the idea because they might have some interest and you want them to think it is their idea. :) I would not joke about the e-girlfriend thing, it feels like a desperate thing to do. It feels like a verbal advantage, you know. It is very different than saying "I love this about you." That is like a wholesome heartfelt thing, and is a good way to connect with someone. I know, because I have done desperate things when I thought someone could be the one who would take away my specific loneliness.

    I think if you really want her know how you feel, then find a way to say how you feel about her. Let her know what she does that moves you so. I am not sure anything will come of that but it will be practice for the person who will respond to you one day. Sometimes you find people who are close enough who are not interested or not available and it is a glimpse of what it could be. It is so frustrating to have that glimpse and not have it develop into the thing you want.

    I know it seems that we are nay saying a lot here on your situation, I think people just want you to not put all the eggs in this basket and go and try harder to meet other people. If you write, maybe start your own blog, and post a link on here or *cough*au*to*cough* s*cough*trad*cough*dle. Let people hear your thoughts maybe you will find a person that blows this lady away.
     
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  13. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    This is why text can get confusing because tone and intent get frequently lost here. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt -- but believe me when I say, I was not trying to be snarky or mean. Many posts on here other than yours need a good reality check. Many people simply want to ignore reality and live in a fantasy world -- which is when I tend to come off more harsh. But your post and now that I'm understanding MORE that wasn't said initially, I don't think you have an unhealthy grasp of the situation (compared to your initial post when you said you cry for her).

    The point is...just as you and I have gotten off on the wrong foot via writings, only you really know what this woman says to you, whether she's backed off from a meeting or whether there's something there. Maybe there is...maybe she's in the same exact boat as you. Perhaps there is a way you can steer conversation toward more personal topics other than pushing the issue of you with her...i.e. if meeting truly is in the cards for you, then why not something real...like getting her to talk about relationships, etc...or are those topics too taboo for the friendship?
     
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  14. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I say don't tell her how you feel, try to spend much less time on the blog and try to connect with someone in your day to day non-virtual life.

    I say this from practicality, a bit of experience, seeing others' experiences and based on what you have said about her.

    Let's look at things practically:
    She lives far away
    You have never met her IRL
    She is grounded in her career and unlikely to move
    You are grounded in your career and It could be hard to move
    You only know the person she has presented online, not the full rounded picture

    From a pracitical standpoint, pursuing this would put you in a really tough situation. At best, the two of you would wind up in a long distance relationship. LDRs are rough and many more fail than suceed. Lots of money on traveling, rarely getting to see each other and what is the end game?

    Some people are happy being in an LDR long term, but most people try to eventually move closer (or move in together). That means one person has to be flexible enough to move and has to take that risk. It can be a big stresser on the relationship with lots of guilt and resentment creeping in. Of course some people have the flexibility to move and it can be a win - win (sure, I will move to Chicago to be closer to you). But win-win situations seem to be the exception and not the norm.

    I have had friends who were in an LDR. They were really close with their families and / or very established in their careers. They are at a stalemate - neither one can move. They were together for years, but rarely got to actually be with each other. They missed each other all the time, felt heartbroken, stressed and resentful that they couldn't be together. Even if one of them did move, it would be a huge risk. How do you know it will work day in and day out, if you haven't really been around someone?

    Believe me, loving someone in a pure and unsuperficial way goes out the window quick if they dump all the chores on you and let their personal hygiene go.

    I say don't pursue this. Treat this like you would any other unatainable crush - don't feed it. Back off. Engage in other parts of your life instead - hobbies, exercise, social groups. Distract yourself. You will find your feelings for her fading.

    As a ps, I am good friends with @Spygirl . I know at times she can be blunt and plain spoken (I get accused of this too, honestly). But I can vouch that she is not a mean or judgy kind of person. She really does intend to give 'helpful' adivce. If she is harsh it is because she thinks someone needs a 'wake up call' and a more subtle approach won't get the message Through. Of course, she isn't always right about who / when to break out the tough love.

    Speaking philosophically, AE seems split between people who think some situations merit harsh advice and people who think advice should always be gentle and supportive. I come from the generation and background that says sometimes a verbal hammer is merited and it's not good to always be supportive or to be too much of a snowflake. I just can't support some situations (like the young woman who was having a secret affair with her 62 year old Aunt).
     
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  15. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Thanks @Bluenote.

    And Hey...I DO get it wrong sometimes. Perhaps my approach in this thread was wrong, and I own that and apologize for it. I still stand by my original advice based upon the information I had available to me....however, my opinion has changed as the OP comes across a much more thoughtful and intelligent person than for which I originally gave her credit. I have no issue admitting when I'm wrong. Much like constructive debate (which rarely happens anymore in politics, for example)...I may not agree with a person, but if i UNDERSTAND why someone thinks the way she/he does...then I'm okay with that and will respect that stance.

    My approach is practical and direct and I keep it real. Anything I've EVER said in these forums I'd say to a person's face. Sometimes I'm more gentle and sugarcoat only when it's absolutely necessary -- but sometimes people do need a wake up call. I value when my friends are blunt and give me the occasional reality check, because sometimes people need to hear the hard truth.
     
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  16. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Just when I thought I have heard of everything.
     
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  17. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    @greylin ....yeah, that was real. I can't "unread" that one....seriously.
     
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  18. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    The creepy factor was off the charts on that one.
     
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  19. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Absolutely she can change her mind. She's basing her opinion of you in the same way you're basing your opinion of her. So many intangibles and unknowns remain.

    For all you know, there may be underlying extraneous factors going on...i.e. maybe she does't want to set herself up to like or even love someone who lives far away; maybe she's got her own insecurities which allow her to be this person online and she's fearful of what she may be perceived as in real life (that you might not view her the same way in real life as you do online). You've already admitted you don't know what she looks like, etc...Maybe she's afraid that she'd lose the friendship with you if a relationship went awry. And maybe she isn't into women...or if she is hasn't come to terms with it yet. Maybe she's in a relationship? Who knows?

    The best thing you can keep doing is being you. Be confident in who you are and if the time comes that you meet her, still be that same confident person regardless of what happens in real life. Keep the friendship what is is unless she gives you more of a direction. Maybe the reality of you versus the online person may open her eyes to possibilities she never considered.
     
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  20. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    She is very, very unlikely to change her mind. Think like 0.0000000001% chance. She said 'loves you like a sister' to drive that point home- what is the chance that you would ever sleep with a relative? Yes, that is the -intentional - message she is trying to send.

    Don't pine for her. Don't wait years hoping for her to change her mind. Cut back on how much time you spend with her. Take up jogging and cold showers. Your feelings for her will fade.
     
    #20
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