DW has issues...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by minhaamor, Mar 1, 2015.

  1. minhaamor

    minhaamor New Member

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    So here's the deal. DW of almost one year, 5 together, has issues with alcohol as she is a recovering alcoholic of about 23 years. I am an occasional drinker, to which she SAYS she is fine with, but her action say something completely different. If I have a drink, no matter how small, she acts all kinds of strange, but still maintains she's fine with it. Clearly, she isn't. Not sure how to deal with it. I don't drink much or often, but she withdraws when I do. I've asked her to be honest about how she feels about it, but again, the actions and the words do not match. How would you handle this?

    Also, we have a number of issues regarding kids. She has three at home, I have three at home. She acts like she should be able to parent mine, but also gets defensive if I parent hers. Truth is, I cannot parent hers...she doesn't allow it. She's one of those over controlling parents, and gets jealous if I have any relationship with her kids that doesn't involve her. She has narcissistic tendencies on many levels. She likes to be the good cop...and sets up situations where either I or the other parent are bad cops. She has to always shine with her kids. If something is off, it's always the other persons fault.

    We own our house and the house across the street. I never thought I would see the day that I WISHED I lived in the house across the street but at times I feel like it would be best...

    Any advce?
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I would not have any alcohol in the house or drink in front of her.
    As far as the kids, it is her call whether you are to parent them. And it is your call whether she is to parent yours.

    Please talk to alanon, they can help in your situation. I think a lot of her behavior comes from her addiction to alcohol and you need strategy and understanding in this. Al anon has support groups for family and friends and phone calls that you can make and good people to help.

    Otherwise what do you enjoy about your relationship?
     
    #2
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2015
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    People often have a hard time being honest about what they need/want, especially when there's a socially acceptable "right answer." She thinks she should be fine with people drinking around her; she should be totally recovered, in control, and able to deal. It's embarrassing for her to admit that that's not true, so she gives you the answer she thinks she should be able to give. So, don't ask: she's telling you through her behavior that it's an issue. So don't drink around her. Don't drink in the house. Don't have alcohol around. And don't make it a big deal.

    As to the kids... for the time being, respect the distance she wants with her kids (and maybe be aware of their other parent's needs too), because you really can't do anything else. Work on having a relationship with them that does involve her. Ask her what she would like you to in situations where you feel like you should be able to or need to parent them - are there particular times when she's not around? things that come up only when she's gone? - so that you have the information (and partner-approved approach) to act independently when you need to. Depending on the ages of the kids, there may be more or less of those situations.

    In the long term, though, I would work towards being able to talk about the way you'd like to parent your children, and hers - less you as separate people but as partners. How is your family going to work? That's a question, and a decision for both of you. In order to even have that conversation, though, you need to be able to address the underlying tensions and concerns (several of which you seem to have already named in your partner - narcissism, dishonesty, control). Remember that she may have equivalent concerns about you, which may be driving and motivating her behavior (it's not just that she has issues! because everyone has issues). And if these are ongoing issues that you can't talk about, then you need to build the ability to communicate with one another authentically. Approach that work with an attitude of support - you'd like to be there for her and able to support her as a parent, and you'd like a kind of support from her that is different than what you're getting. People hate to hear that they're doing something wrong, but they are much more ready to hear that there's something that they can do to help (that maybe they didn't know already).

    And since that'll take a while, I agree with greylin: what's awesome right now, that makes it worth doing this work together?
     
    #3
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