Dumped via text message...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Ooohwhatprettystars, Nov 19, 2013.

  1. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    So...
     
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    Last edited: Dec 9, 2014
  2. Frost

    Frost Active Member

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    Are you still happy with the relationship you are with? I think you should both sit and talk about those issues you have with each other which try to understand and work on it.....(it takes two to tango)

    Sometimes we think we are doing the right thing....everything is doing great....but in reality its not.....and sometimes other person will just lead on to end the relationship......better to talk it through and discuss how both of you can make the relationship work...

    better to be with no regrets....no resentment....
     
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  3. Maison Clicquot

    Maison Clicquot Well-Known Member

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    You are over 20 years old, she is over 30 and it makes her sad because you don't mention her on Facebook, funny :)
    My post might not help you much, but is a very puerile thing to let a social network website make part of a relationship. She needs time to calm down the storm in her head. I don't know on what is your relationship based on, because it doesn't look like is based on trust and confidence. From what I learned, I know that when you're in a relationship, you should feel relaxed, have confidence in you and take your time, not pull and push that person like a plush toy whenever you feel like. Your girlfriend should take some notes - take this author's girlfriend ! Ok, I know you will not show her this.
    If she used the final words to get your attention, obviously she doesn't know how to handle what's in her head and she expects you to be the engineer of the relationship, while she doesn't think twice if she's hurting your feelings with her immature gestures. I don't know how exactly you can make someone feel more important than is possible; some women expect from you to poof magic out of the ass, so is better if she'll better explain in better details why exactly she doesn't feel important, and not because you are not answering her on time (I guess is the type of woman who gives you 10 seconds to answer back :lol: ), you could mention that, is getting old the "late texting" reason for a fight. You can't take action blindly with this type of woman. Ask her then come back here or you will figure it out then.
     
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  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    So, this woman sent you a dramatic break-up text. She expected you to respond immediately begging her to take it back - to take you back - and in doing so prove yourself to her. You failed to do this (because your response to her dramatic text was more complex), and now she's mad that you didn't hold up your end of the script.

    This is some serious manipulation. She essentially baited you into affirming your commitment to her, and when you didn't take the bait, she got mad. Notice: she didn't say, "I don't feel like you're committed to me." Or, "sometimes I feel like you'd be fine with it if I broke up with you. Let's talk about that." Or "I'm not sure this relationship is working and that scares me." All of those things would have been honest gateways into the same conversation, without the traps. So for your sake I'm glad you're not playing her manipulative game; opting out gives you the freedom to actually address the issue.

    But let's assume the best about your girlfriend, and that this manipulative behavior is not intentional or malicious. Maybe she really doesn't know how to have the conversation any other way, and learned how to communicate in relationships from middle schoolers and romantic comedies (eh; it could happen). The things she's getting upset about - your failure to respond to her texts, your lack of facebook oversharing - tell me what she's actually feeling is unsupported and unvalidated. She feels ignored, unconsidered, and unacknowledged, and is probably worried that this means that you do not really care for her. When you don't mention her on facebook, she thinks that means you're not really thinking of her as a part of your life that your friends/networks should know about. When she's having a rough time and you don't text her, she thinks that means that you aren't willing to be there for her. And instead of saying "Sometimes, you don't support me in the ways that I expect," she's getting upset over each example.

    That said, you aren't supposed to read her mind. Her definition of support and care doesn't have to match perfectly with yours, and while it's always a good idea to give partners love in ways they understand, you're not obligated to turn your life upside down or cross your boundaries to do it. If she thinks you should, then I don't have a lot of optimism for your chances as a couple; if she can't express her needs clearly and acknowledge your capacities, you're going to lurch from mini-crisis to mini-crisis, and what you offer won't ever be right/enough.

    If she wants to actually deal, and ask for what she needs, and not be dramatic to get your attention, and accept that you can love her without posting all over facebook about it - then maybe you can work on it.
     
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  5. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I have asked her to spell out what it is that I need to do to make her happy, and all she can say to me is that I should know. That I should know how to act like a girlfriend to her and make her feel important.

    That's it, right there. This is not healthy relationship (/human) behavior, and the fact that she believes this means that you will continue to disappoint, fight, and be blamed. You're doing what you need to do as a partner - offering support - and she's tripping you up with tests and traps. No one is born knowing how to "act like a girlfriend" and what people need and want in partners varies immensely. You can't know how to love and support her in the ways that are most authentic without a little help, and her believing you can tells me that you're right to move on.

    I also notice that she's not that concerned about "acting like a girlfriend" to YOU - respecting your needs and expectations and desires around physical affection and intimacy. When one partner thinks they're doing it right and that the other is just straight-up Doing Relationships Wrong, it's really hard to resolve - because you're not wrong, just different, as I think I and many other posters have said on your various threads.

    It sounds like you have a good handle on the situation; I just wanted to be a sounding board, because these sorts of situations can be so lonely. Good luck, and let us know how you're doing!
     
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  6. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Is it normal to feel bad even if you know it was the right thing?

    Yes. Sometimes making a good choice means hurting yourself and the people that you love, and that's all the more true when it comes to relationships. The big pain of change is shocking, jarring, totally upsetting; the small pains of daily dysfunction demoralizing and crazy-making. In the short term, there's no good choice, but you know you made the one that will lead you out of the pain eventually.

    And breaking up - even when it's a "good breakup" - is hard to do. Your body and brain are used to her; it's going to be a while before your readjust to the other stimuli in your life and reach a healthy equilibrium. You will, though; people are incredibly resilient. And you're going to find someone who likes you as you are and wants to build something meaningful with you, not some imaginary idea of a girlfriend. It's going to be so worth it.
     
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  7. lynds126

    lynds126 Well-Known Member

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    Now you check your PM's lol x33
     
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  8. Brandy Alexander

    Brandy Alexander Well-Known Member

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    I keep thinking to myself, now what?

    As you know I posted on your last thread. What I suggest is seeking out a professional or someone unrelated to your relationship issues and talk. I say this because in both of your threads you make the following comment: I am not mean to her, and she is not mean to me. I'm no professional myself, however, this statement keeps popping up on your part. I think you have unresolved issues with a past relationship. These unresolved issues are subconsciously holding you back from having a "happy happy" relationship today. I think your past experience in a long term relationship was extremely negative and because of that you aren't able to fully open up and engage in a relationship today. With all that being said, I still don't believe you and your ex girlfriend were meant to be. Breaking up is the best direction to take because even though opposites are said to attract it doesn't mean they're right for each other.

    Good Luck
     
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