Drunk Sex with Best Friend of 17 years

Discussion in 'AfterEllen Community Forums' started by apat1103, Jan 21, 2020.

  1. apat1103

    apat1103 New Member

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    Over the weekend I had a drunk hook up with my best friend of 17 years. I have known her since we were 5, I was her first kiss in high school, she is the person I feel most comfortable with but our relationship has always been platonic.
    We were away on a ski trip over the weekend and got far too drunk one night and we had sex. Overall I thought it was really nice. We cuddled and talked a little bit after, she seemed to be totally fine but when I woke up the next morning she was no longer in bed with me and had moved to the couch in the living room. Later she asked if we were okay and told me that she wasn't bi (shes always been bi-curious, again, we had make-out sessions in high school). I said it was fine and we seemed to be okay for the rest of the weekend until the car ride home.
    On the way back from our trip she was pretty much mean to me the entire car ride home. She was dismissive and hostile toward me in front of her friends who I had just met that weekend. I assumed she was just tired because it had been a long day of traveling. When she dropped me off at my house she asked to speak with me on my front steps and said that she was "uncomfortable" with our hook up and regretted it but wanted us to "just be friends". I was really taken aback because she seemed okay while we were having sex and of course we would still be friends, I've known her since I was 5. I said I was sorry if I did anything to make her uncomfortable and then she left.
    I waited a couple of hours and mulled over how I was feeling and reached out to ask for more clarification and to express how I was feeling. She went on to tell me that she has never had sex drunk before and that she was very conflicted the entire time we were having sex. She then went even further and said that the reason she was so mean to me in the car was that she didn't know if I had violated her consent. This really killed me. She never once said "no" or "stop" and I had checked in with her multiple times during and asked if she was good.
    I just don't know what to do. We have been friends for our whole lives and this is the first fight we have ever had. I am finding it extremely difficult to express how I feel without invalidating her feelings. I feel that because she regrets hooking up, she chose to villanize me for some reason. I just feel very small and something that I thought was a nice moment between lifelong friends is an event that she may never get over.
     
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  2. Writer23

    Writer23 Well-Known Member

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    I think this is a reason why it is really really bad idea to sleep with someone who is drunk, especially when one of you is openly gay and the other is questioning his or her sexuality. * takes lecture hat off*

    Now, it is clear that you were both drunk, but she still feels the need to put the responsibility on you. I am sure that is difficult for you. Sometimes people play the drunk card in order to not take responsibly for his or her actions. In the same way, sometimes people, even those who we believe are our friends, will try to take advantage of people who are drunk.

    No matter the case, take her feelings as her truth. Then, let her know what your intentions are and were for that night and tell her that you will give her time and space to process how she feels about the whole ordeal. Then make it clear to her that if she wants to talk to you, at any point, you will be there.
     
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    Spygirl likes this.
  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I am so sorry you went through this. I have only found your post just now. I hope you have found some solace in the last few months over this. Hooking up drunk is always dicey and it is the easiest way to have buyers remorse. Obviously I wasn’t there and cannot really judge but I think at worst it is a mistake for both of you to consent to have sex with each other while impaired. At this point it is probably good for you to sadly not confront her anymore and give her space.

    You must have such a hard time sorting out her bad reaction with your feelings. Do you feel a bit used and then discarded? It does not sound fair. I am so sorry.
     
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