Don't know who/what I am

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by Del99, Jun 29, 2017.

  1. Del99

    Del99 New Member

    Oct 5, 2016
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    Last edited: Jun 30, 2017
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Are you in a hurry to completely figure yourself out? I understand it can be frustrating that you have turned 30 and probably feel like you just need to get it right already.

    First off, I would like to say, if you don't know then treat each person you date as individuals and see if you can find someone who turns you on in all the right places. 2nd, if you truly cannot forge a deep relationship with a man, being in a superficial relationship is not "easy". Something will give.

    The lady that you are emotionally with but not attracted to seems like a no brainer. She insults you, that's not okay. You have to find someone who respects you and your choices, treats you right and not someone you have to figure how to measure up to her standards. I can see why she should not get involved with you too deeply because you do not know whether or not you would really be into women (and you were upfront about it). Also, you are not even attracted to her. It is not about just looks because it can fade, but there is this deep attraction that you can have with someone that pulls you in on the physical but stays with you with the way you look and talk to each other that can last and last.

    The guy is a no brainer too. He checked all the right boxes but there is no spark. I would end it and part friends. Go shopping with him though.

    She will always be a significant person who has entered your journey and maybe there is friendship in the future but you gotta just first learn to be okay about yourself. Treasure this singleness for a while and keep dating when you feel stable. If you are happy just being by yourself then it is easier to truly find what connections you have with the people you date. Now, there is this hanging cloud of desperation to figure yourself out then you can easily lose perspective when you are with someone.

    You have time, and you have every right to be any kind of person (well dressed, not well dressed...) in the spectrum of sexuality you want. I wish you luck in finding the right person for you. :)
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2017
    Vie likes this.
  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    Your relationship with this woman seems... not the healthiest. Or very respectful. Or like it is a great fit. All in all, ending it with a person who (a) breaks up with you every third day, (b) thinks you are superficial, and (c) is not ready or interested in something casual right now - that all seems like a solid choice. You learned a thing - that you were capable of a new, exciting, enjoyable kind of emotional connection - and that is a wonderful thing to walk away from this experience with.

    But I'm not sure why the only other option to this first go-around in the sapphic skating rink has to be "there's a socially acceptable dude, guess it's heterosexuality for me." Relationships with other women don't have to be "tumultuous." There are lots of women with good jobs who are kind and great conversationalists. There are women who you will emotionally connect with who will not be breaking up with you right and left. If you want to meet some of them, I think you should. I think you should uncouple your idea of queerness from your idea of drama and tumult. I think you should hold out for someone who you feel tingly when you kiss, and who you can imagine emotional intimacy with, who doesn't jerk you around and is prepared to respect your needs and desires.

    AND maybe, maybe, you are not the most sexual person! At least right now. You really enjoyed that emotional intimacy, and no one - not your ex-girlfriend, nor this guy - is very sexually interesting to you right now. You do not need to have a sexual relationship, or pursue one if it is not a thing you want or need or feel. (There are honestly times when sex is not a priority for me, and there are lots of ways that I still engage in partnership during those times that feel important and worthy!) I think you should also make some time to sit with that idea, or imagine what relationships might be like with sex de-centered, and if that is a thing you are interested in building.

    I also hear in your post a lot of anxiety about "committing" to lesbianism and giving up the ease and comfort of straight relationships. And it's a thing, that you give up privilege by being queerly committed. The thing is, though, that it's not like you are getting an indelible tattoo declaring your orientation on your 31st birthday. You get to say, "huh, maybe I like men AND women." You get to date both, either, neither. You can explore queer spaces and queer culture (such a gorgeous part of my experience of not being straight) even if you're not dating anyone, and you can lay some claim to queerness if you think it is a part of you - which, I would say, having loved a woman and experienced that attraction is part of you, regardless of what happens next. And you can think about what the benefits are, why people like me, who do date men, still choose to live our lives in this liminal, queer, othered space (hint: because it's great! I wrote about this here:

    I am 31. I know lots of lots of amazing people my age, who are embarking on first relationships, or coming out, or trying polyamory, or otherwise still very much figuring it out. They are all, god willing, only some 38% into their lives, and there is SO much time left to not settle. I have other friends who have married and divorced already, and are beginning exciting new relationships or intentional beautiful singledom. Point being, life is not over or decided at 30, and you have time - to really figure out your choices, to try not being in sexual relationships, to meet men and women and actually imagine what it might be like to choose either life, with less pressure and more data to build on. When you come right down to it, I don't know who/what I am either. I know that I am happy, queer, satisfied by my relationships; I know I could have pursued different things, made different choices, and maybe been more or less or equally happy. Many roads not taken and all that. But I also know that I always have the opportunity to recognize and shift my path.

    So maybe ask: why do you think it's either/or, and that there's a deadline for deciding?
    Vie and greylin like this.

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