Don't know what to do

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Saar, Mar 20, 2016.

  1. Saar

    Saar New Member

    Mar 20, 2016
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    I'm with a problem and I don't know how to handle it. I only came out last year as a bisexual, but I feel more attracted to girls actually. Three months ago I met this really great girl and we hit it off great. We see eachother a lot and I'm in love with her and she's in love with me. But somehow she keeps thinking I only want her for sex or I'm gonna just run off with a guy and I don't know why.. I'm honest in my feelings towards her but for some reason I have the feeling she doesn't trust me. Also she keeps saying I should experience with more girls and when I say I don't want to she's happy and says she also just wants me.. But I'm not sure about that.
    Sometimes she gets angry with me all of a sudden and says she has to focus on her stuff and I should let her know when I want sex again.. And that confuses me a lot..

    How can I convince her I'm not only using her for sex but that I'm in love with her and not gonna go away with some guy..?
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    Spoiler: you probably can't. That's work she has to decide to do for herself.

    This is 100% her insecurity (assuming you're not weirdly manipulating the situation by talking about guys or only getting in touch with booty calls, which I think you're not). Therefore, it's 100% on her to tackle that insecurity and trust you and what you have together; there's not much that you can do to convince someone who is irrationally inventing reasons you don't really love them.

    Her behavior here actually sounds pretty manipulative to me. "I'm going to make an outlandish claim" - that you'll leave her for a guy or only want her for sex - "that requires you to reassure me and recommit to me, which makes me feel better about being loveable here." That's great for a while, but the feeling doesn't last; rinse and repeat to trick you into emotional intimacy via crisis of faith and commitment. Wouldn't it be so much better if your emotional intimacy came from, I dunno, positive interactions, shared adventures, free-will declarations of love - not ones that she has to trick you into making with false accusations.

    Here is what I would say: "I love you, and it hurts me when you can't trust me or make assumptions about what I am going to do based on your fears. Have I ever given you any indication that I would leave you for a guy or am using you for sex? I'd like to know what I'm saying or doing that makes you think that so we can work on communicating better." And then listen. She probably has a lot of insecurities (and I would guess some of them are around your bisexuality; both those tropes that she's trotting out are ones that lesbians often cite as reasons to not date bisexual women), and it's worth knowing what is triggering her anxiety. That doesn't mean that she's right or justified, but our emotional reactions are often not very rational, and understanding what is setting her off will help both of you.

    Once you know what is making her feel that way - past behavior, beliefs about bisexuality, some innocent remark that you didn't mean that way - you can strategize with her. "Okay. I'm sorry that I said things that you interpreted that way, but I need you to remember that I am (not your ex/not experimenting/not going to change my mind), and that I will always be honest with you about my desires and my feelings. If I say something that makes you feel that way, I need you to ask me to clarify in the moment, not shut me out." At the end of the day, questioning her lizard brained fear reaction is HER work to do, and it is not work that you can do for her; you can be patient and kind, but you cannot make her question this base assumption she has about you without her cooperation and effort.

    If she is not willing to have this conversation with you and challenge her fear on your behalf - well, I hate to say this, but your relationship probably will not work out (or probably will not be very healthy, because it will be based entirely on her false assumptions about your untrustworthy, exploitative motives). Do you really want to be with a person whose underlying belief about you is that you are using her for sex and will abandon her when something better (ie, an acceptable guy) comes along? That's going to make you feel terrible in the long run, and honestly sounds like a set up for a potentially abusive situation - one where you are constantly trying to prove that you are not this terrible, dishonest person and she is constantly holding the relationship hostage, where you just want to know how you can make her believe in you and she is always setting a higher and higher bar. This is a recipe for control and codependence, and I have seen too many of my friends stay with people who hurt them this way in order to fulfill their own emotional needs and address their own insecurities to not tell you that your girlfriend's behavior is a HUGE red flag for me. If it's not something she is willing to and able to work on, for your own emotional health and safety you should end this relationship.

    And - honey, it's only been three months. A relationship in the first blush of love should not be filled with fear and emotional manipulation already, and while relationships require work, they are not supposed to be so hard and confusing. I would have a really honest conversation about how her behavior affects you and what you need to change in order to make this a healthy relationship, and be prepared to walk away if she rejects your needs. Sometimes, even when you love someone, they are not able to be a good or kind or healthy partner for you.
    Bluenote likes this.

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