Don't Know What to Do

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by despicably-delirious, Jan 5, 2015.

  1. despicably-delirious

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    Usually I'm the last person to seek advice from strangers but I just feel so lost at the moment. My girlfriend and I have been together for a few months now. Its still pretty fresh and we're still learning about each other. But I've never loved anyone like I love her. She went away for awhile and when she came back she was so happy to see me. She told me things like she only wanted me and she tried to arrange a few future endeavours for us. We spent about six days together which is the longest we've ever spent together. After I left her,I sent her a brief text telling her how happy I was to have her home. Her response was she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me anymore. I was completely floored as the last few days had been really good and we were happy. So we texted back and forth for awhile about it (before I made her ring me because it wasn't fair to text this stuff!). I could feel my heart breaking. First she was telling me she gets scared with all the future talk that people have been making around us (we had been at a wedding) and then that she's not sure if she sees a future with us and that she needs to start settling down. I felt that was a bit contradictory. So all of this about two hours before I was due to go to bed. Didn't sleep a wink because even though she said she needed to see if we work together it just seemed like she was preparing me for a break up. This morning though I get a text off her to say the feeling of stress is now gone and that she knows we're happy together. She told me she was sorry for upsetting me. Now I don't know what to think. Is it possible that she was scared because of the wedding situation and big things happening for the rest of her family? Or is she just feeling guilty and trying to soften the blow? I'm really confused and right now extremely hurt. So basically I don't know now whether to just soldier on or walk away
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    At best she was scared and treated you badly (texting, really???). The world is full of people who do not know what they really want even when they are given what they absolutely love, they may not recognize it. I would confront her in person and tell her what I had gone through just the night before. If she wanted me back she would really have a lot of explaining to do. Otherwise I would conclude that we are not compatible on what we would want together. I am so sorry, I would find it upsetting too!
     
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Don't over react. Take some deep breaths.

    Society puts a lot of pressure on people about relationships. Like we're all supposed to get married, live a chic flick, have 15 kids and ride off into the sunset. But then it also tells us not to go to fast, to be cynical, not to loose ourselves in relationships, not to lead people on or use them.

    It can be hard for people to step back and say "what do I want," "what is right for me?"

    Instead they feel all this pressure - like they can't just enjoy dating someone, they have to know - instantly - if they'll marry that person.

    Your gf's freak out is understandable. You gals spent 6 wonderful days together and she was feeling intense. But then she put that intense against social expectations "get married," "love at first sight," "settle down." And she freaked out a bit.

    Because society doesn't really present the reality of dating as much. "Like someone and date awhile to see if it works.' 'Be really into someone and explore if you're long-term compatable.'

    So she freaked out, like - do I have to know if I'll marry this person right now?

    If it was me, I'd talk to her, but not overreact. What she did - feel pressure and freak - is understandable. How she did it - via text - is not. So I'd talk to her and say "It's OK to date awhile and see how it goes. You don't have to have everything sorted today." But also tell her - we need to communicate - call me or face to face - no texts.

    I don't think she's heading for a break up. I think the intensity of her feelings scared her. She wouldn't be scared if she didn't really like you.

    Good luck.
     
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  4. despicably-delirious

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    Thank you guys. I appreciate your insight. She wants to meet up later so I'll see how it goes.
     
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  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Stay calm, good luck and keep us posted.
     
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  6. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

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    One other thing is to tell to not listen to society. Listening to society brings nothing into someone's heart, society won't feed her and pay the bills, won't be there for her at her worst moments, society is like an angry dog in a leash barking at you everyday and must be ignored, she doesn't have obligations for society and she's not dating society. Society's only role is to try to make as many people as possible having the same average mindset and goals in life.
     
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  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Video games, the modern opiate for the masses.
     
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  8. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

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    Not at all. You'd feel disgusted if you stay long enough in the gaming community. There is no opiate for the masses, they just need to be feed with good food, but that is never going to happen. And if you think about it from a distant point of view, that is good because it challenges people and tests relationships.
     
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  9. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    The one thing that you say that sticks out in my head...your g/f and you have been together "For a few months now"...You also don't mention how old you are.

    That's the honeymoon period. Things seem great and wonderful and you can plan futures and you spent 6 whole days together, but in all honesty, if it's only been a few months and at the most you've spent are 6 straight days together, then you've not really lived a "real" relationship in the sense that you don't know what it's like to be a couple 24/7. That's the kind of pressure that can get to people...day in day out...stressors, etc. These things wreak havoc on relationships. The honeymoon ends, the rose-colored glasses fade and then there's the real day-in-day-out of relationships....

    Maybe your g/f isn't ready for that. Maybe it hasn't been long enough to consider a future together. What you do need to do is talk to her to find out if you're both coming at this from the same perspective...that is, if you both are ready to rise to the task of building a relationship...and I do mean building. A friend of mine once said that most relationships have a shelf life of 18 months to 2 years..meaning, about then the honeymoon really fades and you're faced with the reality of ...do I go on, or do I cut bait and leave?

    The point is...any good, solid relationship needs a good foundation. Find out if you are on the same page and want to progress in the same direction. That's a start. Then you can muddle through the mundane and getting to know each other in the ugliest of moments...once you've gotten through that and you find you still love each other?...hell, then you've got something to cherish.
     
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  10. despicably-delirious

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    The thing is neither of us have been looking to the future really. That kind of thing freaks me out a bit because I have been in the typical lesbian relationship where we're like lets move in together etc which ruined the relationship from my perspective. So future stuff scares me as much as it scares her. I constantly make a joke about it when people bring it up. The problem seemed to be other people around us making comments about it.

    But I really appreciate your response because that's what I need to say to her. Thank you!

    Anyway, update on the situation: We met to talk and basically she wants to give us a chance. I got to the root of it and it seems being at a wedding + the recent marriage of a family member has freaked her out. She also wants us to spend less time together on the weekends because we tend to spend all of our free weekend time together. I find myself on guard a little though after everything. I suppose that's natural.
     
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